Reaction to being told they're the chosen one:
Kyle: I will not let you down.
Sam: Sounds fun.
Eteled : K.
Spoon: No, I'm fucking not.
CM: Do I have to be?
Ally: Please god, I am so tired.
*Ally and Spoon are planning to break in somewhere*
Ally: We need to distract the guards.
Spoon: Right.
Ally: What are we gonna do?
Spoon: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.
Ally:
Spoon:
Ally: Deal.
Sam: Ally, I am questioning your sanity...
Spoon: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.
Sam: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Spoon...
Ally: As you should be.
Sam: No, for real, they're kind of-
Ally: As. You. Should. Be.
Spoon: My stomach growled super loud in French.
Spoon: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.
Sam: Bonjour.
Ally: Le growl.
Kyle: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.
Spoon: What's up with Sam? They've been laying on the floor for like....an hour now?
Kyle: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Spoon: Why?
Kyle: Ally smiled at them.
Ally: God, give me a will to live.
*Sam crashes into them*
Ally: Jesus Christ, OW.
Sam: IACCIDENTALLYFELLASLEEPONTHECEILINGIMSORRY!
Sam: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Ally: I wrote you a poem.
Sam, already crying: You did?
Ally: Sam and I don't use pet names.
Spoon: I see. Hey, what do bees make?
Ally: Honey?
Sam: Yes, dear?
Ally:
Spoon: Don't ever lie to my face again.
Sam: Hah! 69! you know what that means?
Ally: What?
Spoon: That you're a child.
Kyle: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!?
Ally: You're just being paranoid. Again.
Sam: When have I been paranoid?
Ally: Um, when you first met Kyle you thought they were an undercover cop...?
Sam: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera!
Ally: And last year you were sure Spoon was a mermaid!
Sam: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?!
*Later, when Sam's theory is proven wrong*
Ally: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Sam: I still think Spoon is a mermaid.
*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*
Sam: Rude.
Kyle: That's fair.
Spoon: Not again.
Ally: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?
Kyle: What do you want then?
Spoon: Er... something work related.
Kyle: What department is this?
Spoon: Sorry?
Kyle: Well, if it's work related you'd obviously know what department this is. What department is this?
Kyle: *looks at Sam and Ally* Some sort of homosexual department?
Kyle: What do we think of Spoon?
*pause*
Ally: *sighs* Nice pal.
Sam: I think they're gay.
Sam: It's time to turn this into a real business.
Spoon: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
Ally: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
Kyle: I handle our accounting.
Spoon: I'm bored.
Sam: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Spoon: Sure!
Ally, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Kyle down!!
Sam: *Gasp*
Spoon: wHAT??
Sam: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?
Spoon: *inhales*
Kyle, in another room with Ally: Why can I hear screeching?
Cop: You ran a red light.
Spoon: So did you, hypocrite.
Cop: I was following you.
Spoon: That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.
Cop: Get out.
Ally: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
Sam: It was me.
Ally: ... be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.
Spoon: And you wonder why people think you're dating.
Ally: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
Kyle: Okay.
*later*
Austin: Kyle! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
Ally, whispering: Deny everything.
Kyle, loudly: That isn't a chair.
Austin: You're giving me a sticker?
Henry: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying "me-wow!"
Austin: I'm not a preschooler.
Henry: Fine, I'll take it back-
Austin: I earned this, back off!
Spoon: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Ally: Only if you also don't ask why.
Ally: *pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag*
Spoon: ...
Spoon, grabbing a skull: This one will do.
Sam: What am I supposed to do?
Kyle: If I were you? I'd try and make peace with whatever deity, pantheon, or Divine Other you believe in.
Sam: I'm an atheist.
Kyle: Then just get ready to die I guess.
the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered*
Spoon: You're acting pretty carefree for someone who's life's at stake. Who's to say you aren't the killer?
Ally: It's a murder, not a tax audit. I'll be fine.
Kyle: What about Sam? Nobody ever suspects Sam!
Sam: Well what about Henry? They have a gun!
Henry: Spoon has a knife.
Spoon: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Kyle in the arm*
Ally: Are you ready to commit?
Sam: Like, a crime or a relationship?
Sam: I owe you one.
Ally: That's ok. You can just date me and we'll call it even.
Sam, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Kyle, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids.
Spoon: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Sam: Playing systemic oppression.