If someone would open a dictionary in search of the definition of wallflower, this is what they would see:
noun
1. A Southern European plant of the cabbage family, with fragrant yellow, orange-red, dark red, or brown flowers, cultivated for its early spring blooming.
2. A person who has no one to dance with or feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party.
And if that person continued reading, they'd probably see a picture of yours truly, Meghan Carter.
Yes, it's spelled Meghan, not Megan. So many people get that wrong.
See, while I don't fit the first option, since, you know, I'm not a plant, I am shy, and awkward, and I typically do feel excluded, although that doesn't just stand for parties alone.
Although, I guess I wouldn't really know. Even though I am a senior in high school, I don't really go to parties, and for the few I have been to I've only stayed for short periods of time. Barely enough time to see how I would fare in such a situation.
I can't imagine it'd be any different from how I respond to life in general, so maybe it doesn't really matter. I don't like unexpected change, and with situations like that, anything can happen.
But regardless of that, I'm just socially awkward in general. Making conversation with people I don't know is change, and that's far outside my comfort zone.
It doesn't exactly help that I'm kind of a klutz either.
Bad luck follows me everywhere, and it takes the form of either word vomit or a lack of balance.
But that's another story.
++++++
Being as awkward as I am, I'm far from popular. But despite that little fact, I'm not entirely friendless. I just kind of fell into step with the other wallflowers.
So when I get to lunch I'm not surprised to see the rest of the misfit gang huddled around our table in the corner.
Once a wallflower, always a wallflower, right?
"Meghan!" One of the girls, Corinne, exclaims as soon as she spots me.
I grimace slightly, sinking down into the seat across from her with a gut feeling telling me I won't like what she's about to say. "Yeah?"
"We were just waiting for you to get here." Suddenly she gets very serious, her voice solemn. "Meg, we've got some news."
Bingo. My gut was right.
Alarmed, I lean in a bit and grab the apple off my tray. "Um, okay. What kind of news?" I lift the apple to my lips.
"We've decided that we're tired of being wallflowers, and so, for that reason, this year all of us are stepping out of our comfort zones."
I nearly choke on my mouthful of apple as my eyes pop out of my head. I cough loudly, trying to clear my throat, as the other four bodies at the table watch carefully.
"Wait a second," I manage after a brief coughing fit. "Did you just say you're all basically going to change your personalities?"
Corinne nods her head. "And so are you."
It's only fitting that the water I took a sip of splutters out of my mouth now.
"Say what now?"
"We, as in all of us, are going to branch out for our final year of high school. You know, do something different," Corinne explains.
"But we are different!" I squeak, my jaw working silently.
"It's time for a change," Taylor, my best friend, pipes up oh-so-helpfully.
I turn my sharp gaze on her. "Seriously? All of you?"
"It's time, Meghan," Corinne tells me somberly. Uh-oh. None of the girls ever call me by my full name unless they mean serious business.
I swallow hard, my pulse speeding up with my nerves at the nature of this discussion. "But-"
"No buts, Meghan," Taylor interrupts me. Oh boy, two of them now. "Aren't you tired of being invisible? Of being passed over by everyone? None of us have been in a relationship, or been on a date, or any of that. We're missing out on all the things that typical teenage girls go through, and at an age much younger than us. I don't know about you, but we've all come to a mutual conclusion that it's time to put ourselves out there."
My jaw works again. I feel like a fish out of water. I really don't know how things escalated so quickly, but now I have no grasp on how to handle this. So I settle for the best thing possible, and put the focus on the other girls.
"Zoe?" I ask timidly.
The girl in question locks gazes with me, brushing her short bangs out of her face. She bites her lip, dropping her gaze down to the table. That's all the answer I need from her.
"Eden?" I focus on the other girl at the table, sure that she'll be against this...movement. Out of the five of us, she's the most timid and shy, her mousy brown hair always tucked up in a stiff braid or bun.
But she can't even meet my eyes. That's when I know that I'm truly all alone on this. Everyone else is all for changing, and I'm...not.
I like specifics. I prefer a constant balance, something steady and unchanging. Switching what I know for something I don't is not an okay thing for me. I need to know the outcome before I go for it, otherwise I freeze up and make a fool out of myself. It's like swimming in the ocean. If I can't see the bottom, then I know I've gone way too far out.
"Really guys? Are you sure?" I swallow hard again.
"Positive," Taylor says firmly.
Another hard swallow. "Uh, okay, well, if that's what you guys want..."
"It is," Corinne interrupts me, fixing me with a pointed look. "And we want you to try changing with us."
Because I don't know how else to react, I snort, lifting my bottle of water up to take another sip. "I don't think so," I mutter once I've put the bottle down.
Taylor frowns. "Why not?"
"Why not? Maybe because we're all wallflowers for a reason. Seriously guys, we've always been like this because of who we are."
"Senior year is the one time to make a change, and try something else for once. This is the perfect opportunity," Zoe argues suddenly, her voice strong, steady, and unwavering.
"We need this," Taylor points out, raising an eyebrow. "All of us. That includes me, and it includes you, Meghan."
I gulp, starting to sweat from the pressure. "I don't like change. I don't do change, guys. You all know that better than anyone else."
"Yeah, and the sky is blue, Meghan," Zoe snorts, crossing her arms over her chest. "We're all like that, not just you. But we actually want this. The question is, do you?"
"No. I don't know. Maybe." I sigh, raking a hand through my loosely braided hair. I'll have to braid it again after this stressful lunch.
"We won't force you, Meg, if you really don't want this for yourself, but you can't stop us either," Taylor tells me. "This is what we want. You can join, or you can stay the way you are. It's your call."
My pulse is fluttering like mad. I can't believe that my friends, the silent wallflowers who panic at the thought of being anything but, are willing to step out of their comfort zones while I'm way too scared at the thought of doing such a thing. I don't want to be the only one left behind, because then I'll truly be alone, but I can't see how this will work for anyone else.
The other four girls watch me closely, both concern and determination etched on each of their faces, as I have my mental debate with myself. I know I should say something, anything, but I'm not sure what.
So I stand up, my lunch and appetite forgotten. With white knuckles I clutch my empty water bottle. Sometime during the whole debate I had chugged the whole thing. I'm not quite sure when, though.
"Meg?" Corinne gives me a look of genuine concern, her eyebrows laced together in worry.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, barely voicing the words out loud. "I've got a thing. I need to go."
And I make my escape like the good wallflower I am: hardly noticed by anyone except for my friends, who's curious stares burn into my back like hot knives as I scurry away as fast as I can go.
######
So here's the first chapter of Awkward Firsts. This chapter is basically setting you up for everything, so it's not the best one, in my opinion. Sorry for the long wait, but I have been planning and writing this out for the past few weeks, so there'll be more to come soon. Anyway, let me what you think! Any kind of feedback is welcome. If you liked anything about this chapter or idea, vote/comment/follow. Thanks lovelies <3