Dedicated to @xxBluexxflyxx
Happiest Eighteen!
(P.S. I know another 22 hours are remaining, but...)
Sahil
My eyes travel across the vacant garden and impatiently roam toward the stairs. I tap my feet precipitously, and unconsciously my knuckles pat the thick brown bark of a fully blossomed tree in the garden that connects the hall and the gravel stairs.
A few minutes later, a fragile figure appeared gingerly from the stairs through the tree's foliage and the luminous artificial lighting.
She looked around with bright eyes but then slumped, disillusioned. With a heavy sigh, she set towards the now beautifully lit hall, holding a large white flower in one hand and the other holding a frill of her dress.
Then, I moved behind the tree slightly, my body partially hidden, my eyes traversing till her receded figure entered the hall's back doors and followed another gravel footpath leading to the hall's entrance.
******
"Hey! Sahil!" A feminine voice echoed for the second time.
I halt in my movement and look behind.
One figure I vaguely remembered was one of the volunteers I had met the morning, her name being Avanti, "Hi!" She said, her voice glued with heavy breaths.
"Hey," I replied.
"Aren't you staying back?"
"For?"
"The event? The minister must be on his way; it's quarter past seven already. The event is merely for an hour and a half maximum. And we have a campfire afterwards. " she revealed.
"Oh. As much as I want to stay, I am afraid I must go. I am slightly unwell."
"All okay?" she asked instantly, visibly petrified.
After a brief pause, I reply, "Yes, "
"Okay then. " Avanti said, not fully convinced, "I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am sure it's going to be a blast. Isn't it?"
"I should hope so." I smiled uncomfortably.
*****
Ayesha
I smiled vacantly as I stood behind the dias. My eyes searched for an empty figure through the rows despite Ahalya telling me he had left early.
"Why?" I had asked.
"Eh, how can we ask that?"
"But, why wouldn't he stay back for the event? It's atypical of him to leave things midway."
"Well. You both were close friends. Not us. If you do get an answer, inform us. Now, we have the campfire in a few minutes. Will you?"
******
The fire crackled periodically amidst the velvety serenity and against the ruffling breeze, composing an eerie melody. Ruddy tips of the fire arose, rubbing each other, competitive and energetic. Grey smoke, visible and apparent, swam across the raven sky, printing patterns as it made its way to the enigma of the monochromic night.
The children constituted a circle around the fire, seated on the ground; hands held out to feed warmth and their smiles bright as the merry fire reflected in each of their eyes.
We five, Sonali, Ahalya, Avanti, Shalini and I, were perched on plastic chairs, in a semicircle, with me in the corner. All five of us engaged with our mobile phones, typing replies to the day's messages and immersing ourselves in social media.
"The event was terrific, right?" Shalini asked, referring to our enthusiastic magic show in the morning.
We all murmured in consensus.
"I am surprised at that mind-reading thing. How fascinating is that!" Ahalya whispered.
"I'd say it's scary," Avanti countered. "Imagine, someone can sneak into us...our thoughts...and reflections..."
"Well, we all hold back something within us that others are not aware of. " Ahalya said thoughtfully.
We all smiled, stealing glances from our phones before returning to them.
"I am very excited about tomorrow. Do you think Sahil will sing?" Avanti asked everyone eagerly.
"I didn't know he was such a fantabulous singer until his two solo tracks released along with The Apocalypse. " Shalini added eagerly.
"I know, right?" Ahalya agreed. "His voice is lovely. There is something in him, I feel, that accentuates his voice—that edge on the pronunciations...or the stature in the pitch... I don't know...but I'd love it if he would sing."
All three of them looked expectantly at Sonali.
"Well, I can't comment on that, as I am unaware." Sonali scrolled through her social media feed, "But our organiser said that he might, so you may as well keep your hopes at bay."
"Who is the organiser?" I asked abruptly.
"Well...I am not supposed to reveal it to outsiders -"
"Sonali!" Ahalya hissed.
"Wait!" Sonali hissed to Ahalya, "But since you are now a part of us, I don't have any qualms. " Sonali smiled warmly. "I hope you are aware of Kavita Tiwari of Mehra Infrastructures. "
Blood drained from my face.
A big businesswoman financially sponsors this event...
I opened my chapped lips to speak something, but a word wouldn't be uttered. "Y-yes. Yes, of course." I managed to talk.
"She has hosted this event." Sonali smiled. "It's so kind of her, I'd say. A nation-comprehensive event with so much money spent to see children happy... it's something I don't think anyone can do these days."
"Mehra Infrastructures is one of the world's leading businesses, Sonali!" Avanti laughed. "Of course, they have the funds!"
"Yes, but having and doing are two different things, Avanti." Ahalya smiled warmly. "Not all rich people can give... And not all people who give are rich...To give is a blessing...and it is not differentiated between poor and rich... It takes inexplicable compassion to give, which not everyone is lucky to have. "
A brief silence followed her words, only perturbed by the cracklings of fire.
"How come it's a Tiwari managing Mehra Infrastructures? Shouldn't it be a Mehra?" Shalini asked curiously.
"Well...some family drama, I guess. Their personal history is very well guarded, and things rarely get leaked to the media. " Sonali revealed. "Last I read, it was an estranged relationship between the two brothers. And then, the ownership got transferred magically to a Tiwari. But she is not a stranger, I believe. She is a distant relative to the Mehras. "
"Is it?" Avanti asked curiously.
"Yep. And then, the Mehra Infrastructures reaped such profits that the media now focused only on the company business and Kavita Tiwari. If the rumours are correct, she is dating Rahul Arora. "
"The Rahul Arora?" Shalini asked, stunned. "One of the leading businessmen in the country?"
"Yep, that's him."
"Wow." Was what Shalini said, while the other two maintained a shocked look.
Meanwhile, I had stiffened brutally over the crude revelation. My hands hovered over my mobile phone aimlessly, attempting pathetically to look busy, but my mind was ruthlessly chaotic.
Mehra Infrastructures...Kavita Di hosting the event...and Sahil being present here... weren't a random coincidence...how couldn't I think of this before?!
"Hey! What a coincidence! Ayesha's name ends with Mehra too!" Avanti pointed excitedly, and the other four looked at me, surprised.
"Yeah." I managed to laugh after pausing for a sudden instant. I had no intention of revealing my convoluted family history in a pathetic frame of mind to anyone, not even Ahalya, who had been my close aid. I might have as well agreed to count all the stars in the sky. "A weird coincidence...Funny, right?"
All of them laughed aloud except for Ahalya. She narrowed her eyes at me for a moment as if figuring out something and searched my face before giving an unconvinced smile in response to my frown and joining her companions in their laughter.
"Avanti, did you ask Sahil why he didn't come?" Shalini asked, twirling a dry twig before tossing it into the hearth of the blaze. "The campfire?"
"Oh yes. Sahil said he is not well." Avanti replied.
"Not well?" The three of them chanted in unison, alarmed.
"Yes, yes, but nothing to worry about," Avanti said alarmedly, "I hope at least. He didn't look seriously unwell, just disturbed and troubled...as though he were sickened by something. "
My eyes rise to the flickering flames before traversing to the ground again.
"Should we check on him?" Sonali asked worriedly.
"Well, I think we should." Avanti agreed, standing up from the chair and stretching her sides. "I know he is not unprofessional, but we should check for a safer side; you never know."
"So, who is going to go?" Sonali asked again.
"My choice would be Ayesha. " Ahalya said lightly, standing up and copying Avanti. "We may come across as interfering crows, but since Ayesha and Sahil are friends, she would be a perfect choice."
The others nodded in approvement, murmuring roughly with words of concurrence.
"Hang on!" I said, bewildered. "I am supposed to have a say too!"
"Are you going to say no?" Shalini asked, mildly separating two dry leaves.
"Yes!"
"Don't be silly, Ayesha. You will meet your friend in person, and have some we-time with him after ages! You can catch up on lost sojourns and have a good time, you know?" Avanti said.
"He has to perform tomorrow." I reminded them irately.
"Oh! Then you can talk to him tomorrow evening; he will be all yours!" Avanti winked.
"Oh, please! You four have fangirled on him in the past few hours, more than I have ever in my lifetime!" I said indignantly.
"Point." They all agreed unabashedly.
"Ayesha, as much as we believe YOLO and ZNMD more, we are exhausted for tonight. " Ahalya yawned.
"And do I look like I am up to weave a hundred sweaters?" I demanded.
"See, Ayesha. The thing is, I have heard he is extremely reserved. And we don't want to come across like interfering fans or make him think of us weird and stupid-"
"He never thinks his fans are stupid." I cut in angrily, "He has the highest respect for his fans and is grateful to them, as he sincerely believes they have brought him to such great heights."
"See? My point exactly! You understand him better than all of us present here. And we just want you to check on him to see if he is okay and needs any help, medicines, or anything else. Please?"
*****
I don't even know why and how I agreed to this.
I knew I would be nervous if my eyes collided with his brown eyes. I didn't think I would start palpitating so severely the minute I was outside the door.
Wrapping up the maroon shawl more tightly against my frame, I waited with bated breaths until he would open the door. I wished with all my heart that he might have gone to sleep, and I could use this excuse and escape from here altogether.
He opened the door.
His eyes frowned as he surveyed me with a dispassionate sneer, dressed up in a relaxed black T-shirt and black pants.
"You."
"Me."
"You want something?" He asked.
"How are you feeling?"
"Sorry?" He raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"
"Eh-I didn't mean it like that, " I blushed, knowing that he was getting the wrong reference, " I meant, Avanti said you were not well. "
"Oh. Yes, I was tired. I mean, I am tired." He said, leaning back on the door, and then met my eyes without hesitation and said truthfully, "Mentally."
My eyes scorched as I understood his context. His face, relaxed and very well composed, could not act as a veneer any longer to his brown-black eyes that now looked disastrously vulnerable and defenceless.
"Okay, I'll just go then," I said quietly, wrapping the shawl more tightly, feeling moisture pool in my eyes, "Sorry for disturbing you."
"It is raining brutally; how do you plan to go in this heavy rain?" He inquired after a moment.
I blinked.
Under ferocious furore inside, I had not paid heed to the background noises till now. And now, I could hear the continuous bombardment of droplets fiercely whipping the Earth, accompanied by frequent thunder growls.
"I'll manage," I said; despite my heavy resentment to go out in this bitter rain, I'd instead go than-
"How?" He queried, raising his eyebrow.
"Well...I'll need to examine my options, but I think I can go-"
"You can stay here until the rains stop." He cut in, rolling his eyes.
"Thank you, but I can manage. I'll book a cab, and I can reach my hotel too-"
"Well, you can try," Sahil said dispassionately. "I'd like to see who would risk their lives in this brutal torrent to help," he said mockingly.
Feeling extremely stupid under his mocking sneer, I optimistically raise my mobile and begin to search for cabs.
I didn't give up until I had tried five times. And by the end, I was almost in tears feeling a weird, unbearable pain choking... It wasn't pain caused by a single emotion, but multiple emotions, all chained one after another, desperate to unleash...
The pain of seeing him...the pain of seeing him right beside me...the pain of my existence...the pain of my heart dancing against an unopenable prison...
"I can wait for a few minutes in the reception until the rain stops. " I said, attempting to sound bravely unfazed with an unclear throat. "I'm sorry for disturbing you. Good night."
Sahil gazed at me with clouded eyes.
"I insist. " he said, his voice much softer than before, "You can stay inside until the rain stops."
I looked at him through blurred orifices. A flash of inexplicable tenderness had broken into those cold brown-black orbs. And I couldn't refute the compassion in his voice.
"Thank you," I murmured, my eyes lowered. Choked by an intractable pain, I couldn't raise my eyes to meet his.
Sahil waited until I had walked in, and then he closed the door.
*****
Sahil
She awkwardly distanced herself to the corner of the room, looking out of the room. Her eyes were moist, and she made a significant effort not to cry. Her arms shivered more as she hugged herself tighter, draping the shawl more fiercely.
"Coffee," I said, and she instantly turned her black eyes to mine, startled. "Eh, I am going to have some coffee. Would you like to have some?"
"No, that's okay." She whispered, her voice quivering.
"Hey, " I murmured. "I know this is hard for both of us; it's not easy. But let us just not let it get too much into our heads, okay? Let's try again. Would you like some coffee?"
She inhaled a sharp breath and nodded after a particularly long moment.
I smiled and reached to the landline to dial the reception. "Two coffees, yes, Room 908. Both sugarless, yes." I smiled again in her direction.
******
I observe her stir her coffee for a longer time than necessary.
Her eyes were anywhere except on me.
She took a small sip and then resumed her stirring.
"Is your coffee okay?" I asked politely.
"Huh?" She jumped, startled.
"Your coffee? " I repeated reasonably, "Is it okay?"
"Oh yes, of course, it's great!" She smiled uncomfortably.
She glanced at the ceiling-to-ground windows in my room very visibly to check if the rains had stopped. But, well, she did have some bad luck.
I lean back on the couch, resting my head on the headrest and taking a gulp of the steamingly hot drink.
"Nice room, " she opened up, cradling the cup.
"The credit goes to your sister," I said, raising my legs to place them on the table. "As much as I told her I could arrange my accommodation, she wouldn't listen."
She maintained a smile, despite her face becoming abruptly pallid.
"She misses you, " I smiled sadly, "She is worried sick about you. She works day and night to find the teeniest information about you. You should give her a call. "
Her eyes travelled to the carpeted floor.
"You are aware, I hope, that your company, Mehra Infrastructures, is hosting this event?" I asked lightly.
"I am." She said quietly.
"Then?"
"I-" she started helplessly. "I am-"
Quiet anguish raged inside her.
After a brief minute, she spoke, trembling but firm, "I will soon, but please don't reveal anything to Di right now; I promise I will talk to her as quickly as possible, but till then, please."
Countless possibilities could unfold the minute I set foot in Mumbai... I was certain Kavita would approach me for any information about Ayesha and lie to that innocent, eager face when I did have some treasured information...
"Okay," I said.
"Thank you." She said softly.
"I don't think the rain is going to stop." She said, looking at nature's fury through my window.
"Well, I guess the universe wants you to stay." I smiled.
She chuckled. Her laugh was mellifluous.
Minutes passed, and silence dropped between us. A silence that wasn't welcome but not unwelcome either. Somewhere, between the polar ridges at the right spot.
"I'll-I'll be there in my room," I said, standing up, "I am tired, and I think I would like some sleep."
""Oh-oh r-right, of course." She sputtered.
"Call me if you need anything," I said.
"Sure."
With that, I walked towards the main bedroom and gently slammed the door shut.
*****
I closed the door behind her and made my way to the bed.
I lay on the soft mattress on my stomach. Resting my cheek on the comfy pillow, I watch the falling droplets of rain on the glass windows.
Rain swims in intimidating ringlets, like a heartbreaking, beckoning serenade it sings for the Earth. Each driblet bequeathed itself unto the cooling air - surrendering itself to each morsel of soil.
Flashes of bygone memories stirred up in my brain, but I let them pass steadily, unwilling to decipher them. The stirring of my brain seemingly seemed audible as it whizzed with multiple emotions, which I did not want to contemplate.
But my pace reduced as a very recent memory came upon me.
It brought a wave of vehement anger and a ripple of comforting solace.
It was funny how a human heart experiences two dominant conflicting emotions simultaneously, each trying to dominate the other and the heart swinging helplessly on either side like a broken yo-yo.
I examined the beautiful face that seemed to be etched in my memory with ruminative introspection.
How many times had I visualised this face searching for a quiet solace...
If I had known how screwed up I'd be in a year and a half, I'd have probably cherished every moment I led with her, including our silly fights.
It was hilarious to speculate that a twenty-four-year-old myself was acquainted with heartbreak after Rhea. But that seemed like a two-minute trailer to the eclipse I now experienced.
Over the past few months, I learned to disconnect myself from the world. To be present in the moment yet be distant. It seemed like my life was unfolding like an unending painful cinema, waiting for a silver lining to appear. And I was a spectator to this infinite cinema.
It seemed like I was an actor in my own life, pretending to be someone else when the actual me had probably died the night I had the terrible accident. On that fateful night, along with broken bones and drained blood, I had lost something that defined my entire existence. I have become a walking corps since then.
In due course came numerous other advantageous abilities; to remain silent and watchful...To observe rather than speak...To maintain a believable facade... To be highly reserved... To keep the heart in gut-wrenching shackles...
But one day...one day had been ample enough to let me know that I had failed brutally in keeping these abilities up my sleeve...and what's worse, is that I had depicted the opposite of all my supposed abilities...
The ordeal of catching a mere glimpse of her had been intense enough to wreck chaos in me...but that was bearable...even when I spoke to her like an acquaintance in front of her friends...that was tolerable, despite feeling an unmanageable stinging sensation...
Until...until I saw her again...her tears...
A thousand knives dipped in the most venomous acids seemed to stab me with no mercy, unwilling to kill or want me alive...
The mild contentment I was supposed to receive after being rude to her on the pretext of indifference was a saga of stupidity. After an epoch in her absence, her tears continued to be the thing that I disliked the most...And I would trade my soul to remove tears from her eyes forever...After her tears, I had wanted nothing but to make her laugh...
And she did.
A thousand years later, she had laughed...and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard...
The unforeseen sight of her on my doorstep should have filled me with resentment and held up a red sign of the haunting memories that would follow...but unnaturally, it filled me with a beautiful serenity...
Was it naturalistic to feel extreme conflicting emotions? I mulled hopelessly, twisting the pillow. Emotions like shades of a colourful kaleidoscope? So distinct, dominant and different?
Probably it was, I reasoned.
Blazing anger rose in me once I thought of the pain she had put me in...to its peak...about to be unleashed...but a minute later, the devastated, fatigued look on her face was enough to subdue it...that seemed uncontrollable till then...
I turn to face the ceiling. I should have probably switched on the night lamp, but the most feeble moonlight entered the glass window, the noise of spluttering raindrops playing in the background.
I stare into the space, with a deathly emptiness filling me entirely, and I make no attempts to lessen it. I let it stay, experiencing the ache...Sleep had deserted me these days...it was natural for me to remain sleepless and be okay with it... but now, as much as I wanted to sleep the pain away, it wasn't possible...
In due course, haunting yet painful memories crowd my eyes...And I let them...Enjoying them painfully...and mulling if it was my forbidden love that made me express all my shades or was it the shades that made my love so forbidden?
******
Ayesha
It took me a few minutes to break down completely after hearing the door close.
I let the tears stream freely, fearing that if I'd suppress them, the ocean within waiting to unleash would tear apart my existence. Tears came as if my pain had finally condensed into a cascade of a downpour.
I had not given myself time to reflect upon the sudden happenings. Now, until the rain stopped, having nothing to do, I had foolishly stepped in the introspections with no intention...and detaching directly would be next to impossible...
And the moment I had allowed this to happen, I had, very excruciatingly, given every detail a reflection...everything.
The series of emotions that followed was ecstatic joy thundering into every vein of mine...jigging immensely against cold-blooded skin...through every cell of my existence...and then suddenly enmeshed into chains of an unendurable heartache...
And hot tears had overflowed with no warning...
After all this time, seeing him again made me want to embrace him...kiss him... apologise to him... for causing the unbearable pain...for making him suffer...Until glimpsing him, I hadn't considered how he would look in pain...And the sight had made me feel like the cruellest person on Earth...I deserved the severest punishment...
And Kavi Di?
Despite helping me in the most needed times, managing the company when she had no reason to, I had pained her. I had given her loads of pain. I had caused her to suffer...when I had no authority to drag her to this unending tangle of mine...
"She is worried sick about you. She works day and night to find the teeniest information about you."
Feeling excessively hollow and having multiple emotions crowd all at once...It was too much to bear all of a sudden...
Pressing a trembling hand into my mouth to muffle the sobs, I wailed, unable to feel the ponderousness of my soul...The maroon shawl skidded down my shoulders as my cries turned brutal. I could make no attempt to ease the pain or lessen the tears as they seemed to appear after eternities of being stocked up...
*****
I managed to stand up sluggishly, limping towards the window. It was still raining heavily, showing no signs of an immediate stop.
I walked back to the sofa and sat down with a heavy heart. I rubbed my eyes, removed the tears, and ran my warm palms over my face, trying to compose myself.
I stretch my legs on the sofa, my head facing the ceiling as I rest it on the stand. Though not wholly relieved, I am in a comparatively more explicit frame of mind.
Numbly, I perceive an apparent night lamp emitting golden light as the sole dominant light against the darkness. I blankly switch on and off the light in alternate seconds, absorbed in reflections and remembrances...Fond and pristine recollections...making the goldish light of the ancient lamp the sole witness to the heartbreaking tears that occasionally flowed down...
******
"Hello?" Someone whispered in my ear.
"Ahhh!" I shrieked, jumping out off the sofa, startled, grabbing hold of the switched-off lantern on the table with both my hands and pointing it to the intruder.
"Eh-as much as I am tempted to remark that you can be an outstanding actress in a horror movie, I'd like it if you'd switch on the lantern in your hand," Sahil said wryly.
"Heavens! Why should you scare me like that?" I said, swapping the lantern on. And through the golden-yellow light, there was enough illuminance for him to switch on a comparatively brighter light in the room.
"Well. I could ask you the same, " Sahil said, taking a seat on the sofa and gesturing for me to do the same.
"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly annoyed, sitting beside him cautiously.
"Imagine-out of the blue, a girl comes to my doorstep late at night, decides to stay because it is raining, and then she doesn't sleep but sits in the hall, wearing completely white clothing, eyes smudged, cheeks stained with running tears, and lose hairs, switching on and off one of the antique lamps, all at 3 in the morning. " He looked at me sideways, "Don't you think you'd make a terrific choice for a ghost of typical Bollywood horror movies? You can actually become an outstanding actress." he added thoughtfully.
Annoyed and entertained at the same time, I tried to maintain a grim face, but then a smile burst from my lips, and I couldn't control the laugh that escaped from my mouth.
"Firstly, this is not white," I pointed at the Kurti and palazzo, "This is cream colour."
"Yeah? Totally." Sahil replied gravely.
"Yes, it is!" I said, "or no, probably, not now. It's slightly faded. However, the cream colour hasn't entirely washed out!" I complained.
Sahil raised his eyebrow.
"It's midway between almond white and Ivorie colour! You can't be better at colours than I am." I glowed.
"That I concur." Sahil said, "Only the last part,"
"Well, then," I look around the room for a truce and eventually spot my maroon shawl. I wrap it around myself.
"Now?" I grinned.
Sahil raised his eyes, pretending to be impressed.
"And... it's quarter past three." I said, pointing at an expensive-looking wall clock. "Not three."
"Wow, that is some difference," Sahil said seriously.
I grinned before answering, "You must stop watching too many Hollywood movies. Three in the morning is not where the ghosts appear; half of Varanasi wakes up at 3 in the morning."
"Why?"
"The Brahmamuhrat begins in a few minutes, half past three, and it is the most serene and peaceful part of the day. And people wake up to get prepared, to meditate or do whatever. This is the time the body and mind are the most productive."
"What?" He asked, vastly surprised.
"I swear!"
"So, do you wake up this early every day too?" Sahil asked disbelievingly.
"No!" I laughed, "I can't bring myself to wake up or follow a schedule, no matter how hard I try. But-" I said, tucking an invisible strand behind my ear, "there are some days I wake up during this duration."
"And what do you do?"
"I paint." I replied, "I am working on a very challenging piece. It's quite different from what I usually work." I said truthfully.
"Ah, right."
I smiled lightly before averting my gaze.
A few minutes of stillness encloses us in a warm embrace. My heart feels like the waves at present. It's subduing yet tumultuous.
"Ayesha?" He called out.
"Hmm?" I looked at him.
There was no emotion on his face except for a weird longing. His eyes were half-lowered; his lips etched into a very slight curve. His head was resting against the back of the sofa, pressing into the cushion. His hands were on either side. His head tilted to gaze at me.
He didn't say anything. He needn't know anything. It was as if our feelings were now falling before, like autumn leaves. The air between us was subtle but intricate. The emotions that governed us were convoluted.
And probably, this was just one of the times I yearned to be like the old Ayesha to an impossible extent. Easygoing, casual, and so, so much in love.
For a brief moment, I was ferried to those times when Sahil and I would sit close on the sofa in his Juhu apartment. He would have had a long day at the shoot, and I would have had an equally tiring day at L&MC. We would be too tired to cook dinner and would order something or not eat anything as we were too tired. However, we were never tired of each of us. He'd haul me closer, have his arms around me, and we'd gaze at each other, retaining the comfortable embrace.
I could never forget those love-filled eyes, even if I willed every cell in my body to the eyes that taught me to love.
His eyebrows suddenly frowned.
"Hang on." He murmured, his eyes off me. He looked around the room, trying to spot something.
He stood up and reached the distant space where the dining table was present. He returned with the tissue box.
"You have got all these-" he said awkwardly, pointing at my face.
"Oh no." I rubbed my eyes in horror. How could I have forgotten I had a terrible breakdown before this conversation? I feebly prayed that my face didn't look hideous or dreadful. "Is it better?"
"No, it's become slightly worse." Sahil chuckled. "Hang on. Let me help."
He sat close to me, cradling the tissue box in his lap, facing me entirely. Extracting a tissue, he gently brushed my stained cheek, precluding any physical contact.
And as he gently rubbed my cheek with a tissue, I looked at his eyes from a closer distance. I thought I had forgotten the intensity those brown-black orifices possessed—the passion they enclosed.
His eyes were always fascinating to me.
The brown shade resembled the exact shade of that of a roasted coffee bean, which contrasted against a fiery black background. What mesmerised me the most was that if one focused on the brown part, Sahil's eyes would appear brown, or on the black part, his eyes would seem black.
But there was a beautiful blend in his eyes.
Brown-black; the Brown swivelling against the black, like a rotating wheel; it was incredibly fascinating.
"How is your career? Any new movies?" I asked gingerly.
"Loads. I'm signing anything that comes afore." He answered dully. "Jane sincerely wishes to resign but complains that I wouldn't let her."
I gave an indecisive smile, "How is she? And Kumar?"
"Fine." He answered, rubbing the area below my eyes delicately.
We remained silent for a few seconds.
"There." Sahil said softly, "This eye is done."
"So, do I look any less like a ghoul now?" I asked, my brims extending.
Sahil chuckled until it slowly died. The trace of the smile slowly began to fade as he looked at me in my eyes, surveying my kohl-smudged eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Severe again, he questioned, "Why were you crying?"
The smile withered on my lips slowly.
"Its-um, it's because of- things, never mind." I gave a hasty smile.
"Okay."
"You are leaving tomorrow?" I asked again, my eyes very lightly tearing up.
"Yes."
"When?"
"I guess it's an 11 pm flight."
My thoughts felt like long silk threads waiting to be knitted. And our silence was a perfect seamstress.
"Sahil?" My lips moved softly.
It was beautiful how the name sounded on my lips after an epoch. The utterance that was withheld in my lips but never out in speech.
And I knew he felt that too.
His hands froze for a minuscule second near my left cheek, his fingers gripping the tender tissue. The brown-black eyes collided with mine with a beautiful intensity.
I was surprised how the name raised readily on my lips, as if on ever-spread wings.
"Why were you rude to me a few hours ago, and why are you being so nice to me now?" I whispered.
His eyes examined mine for a minute before lowering them down.
"I don't know." He confessed.
He lowered his hand.
"It's just too much to bear for me, I guess. Seeing you after all this time... it's messed up. I didn't think I'd be this weird the moment I imagined this meeting... It's bringing out all the unforeseen emotions... I thought I'd be indifferent as hell to your presence, just like I would be in the cinemas...but there is a world of difference between reel and real life, and I never really understood the intensity of the difference till now..." He muttered, his voice rough. "I have kept my existence like an unending boring movie from the day you left, signing too many movies to keep myself busy, to prevent thinking about you... I thought I would forget the pain...but" He paused, "now, it's all a lie. The past months I thought would be more complex than ever have been hugely untrue, compared to what I feel from the last two days."
My eyes teared up. I surveyed Sahil through my brimmed lashes; his face was facing his lap, though his body was entirely facing mine. There wasn't a word of untruth in his voice, but it came across as a reflector of what I felt...the feelings that I felt...
"I hate that I feel conflicting emotions from the time I have seen you here...I hate that my heart feels like it's mending and breaking at the same time... I hate that your presence has made my sanity insane, and I hate that...you now feel a much bigger intricacy than ever-its; just way too complicated than I ever imagined it to be... it's hella screwed up. I don't know... I just...I don't know."
The calmness between us turned turbulent.
I inhaled a sharp breath, trying to keep my sobs constricted and tears imperilling to flood down. I was grateful that Sahil's face was still lowered and his eyes were downcast.
"I don't know how we ended messed up." He murmured painfully, "I don't know why I began to hate you when you were the one-"
I sincerely wished he wouldn't complete the sentence.
"When you were the one who brought me out of-"
"Sahil," I whimpered, tears oozing down my cheeks, "Please don't. Please. I don't deserve this. "
Sahil looked up.
The brown-black eyes were helpless, as mine surveyed him with tear-glossed eyes. I pressed my lips with my palm, trying to muffle the sobs as tears spilt freely.
"Ayesha," Sahil muttered, helpless.
"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my tears.
He gave me a few minutes to calm down. Watching me helplessly, it was evident he didn't know what to do. He just sat there, awkward and unmoving. Composing myself, I tried to alleviate the frenzy in my mind chaotically, partially succeeding and failing.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked gently.
"Yes," I whispered.
He was sitting much closer now, or maybe I overlooked the proximity earlier. That was more logical. We both sat facing each other.
"I never imagined I would've told you all this," Sahil said ironically after many minutes, "I thought your presence would cease to affect me, but I was wrong. It's annoying that I feel this, but I don't want to be rude or mean to you. I just-"
His sentence cut midway as I leaned to kiss him impulsively.
Robust and vigorous waves of a turbulent storm thundered inside me, disseminating an eerie warmth to every corner of my body. My torso shivered as my lips brushed against Sahil's, acute happiness fluttering inside, feeling the unforgettable, pristine touch after an eternity.
An instant later, that was crushed brutally by a feeling of stupidity. How stupid was I to act upon an impulse...And the fact that he hadn't kissed me back was an awful reminder of my idiocy.
Feeling pathetically stupid, I had barely moved an inch when his hand reached up to cup one of my cheeks, and an instant later, he was kissing me back with a heartbreaking sweetness.
I had forgotten how it was to be kissed back by him... How his kiss had all the elements of passion and tenderness...and how it ignited a warmth inside me that no flames could ever... My heart pounded wildly, feeling the teeniest bit of life explode through me, and I could hear the delirious thumping of his heart too...
Outside, rains showered their coolness as though endeavouring to squelch the flames of passion.
Propelled by intense emotion, he pulled me closer. A wonderful feeling of fulfilment interpenetrated my existence...and in ecstatic joy, I could feel the similar fervour ricochet in him too...
He shifted his hands to hold my cheeks and kissed me, now raucous.
The reminder that I was pathetic now seemed to be under the frenzy my heart engulfed in. It was swimming against the fierce, tumultuous waves of frenetic and uncontrollable joy. It's surprising how overwhelming some emotions can be...and how they can disorient a person's thinking capability to an impossible extent...
Apparent that I had lost my ability to think clearly, but I did not make any efforts to release myself from his imprisoning grasp, nor was I intimidated by this sudden raucousness, which I would have definitely, months ago. But now, it was this wild and feral behaviour of his that set free within me the essence of being alive...
Feeling only capable enough to savour the moment, I did, sensing two opposing emotions of remorse and serenity explode into my heart.
We were swallowed in an intense embrace, trying to make the most of the moment, desperately pulling each other closer, mindlessly acting upon our hunger and yearnings as the kiss turned feverish, frantic and wild...
The silent rustling of morning spread over like mildly treading on dry autumn leaves...the crickets whizzed from a distance...the silence of the pious hour acting as a melodic euphony...the mild and gentle drizzle of the rain kissing the Earth softly...
All of a sudden, I stopped.
My hands dropped from his cheeks to my lap in horror as supreme and uncontrollable guilt thundered in my veins, fierce unbeatable and invincible.
I was grateful that his eyes were closed, but I wasn't lucky.
With tear-glazed eyes, I saw his eyes slowly open.
Smouldering ferocious and chilling flames in his brilliant eyes, they blazed harsher than ever. They burned against his brown-black orifices with scalding fury as he studied me coldly.
It wasn't the anger that I broke apart the kiss. Still, an amalgamated version of numerous emotions...hatred, disgust, betrayal, deception, contempt...all shackled brutally against those orifices...with the harsh reminder that we weren't supposed to...stinging bitterly...
"I'm sorry," I murmured.
With that, I turned and ran away.
******