( Aurora P.O.V. )
"Alright, you guys!" I called, loudly, "I am going to close my eyes and count to ten. You go and hide, then I will try to find you. Got it?"
"Yes, Aurora!" Two small voices yelled in reply and I could hear small footsteps moving around.
I smiled and leaned against the big tree. I closed my eyes and then started counting down slowly.
By the time I made it down to one, I shouted to inform the girls. I flicked my eyes open and heard a patter of feet and small giggles not so very far away. Anyhow, I pretended to walk the trail of the park twice. All the while ignoring Madeline's blonde pigtails with the pretty ribbons that stuck out from the bush behind which Nadia was hiding.
At once, I decided to catch both of them at the same time, wanting to make it a fair game. I know how competitive Madeline could get and most kids just hated losing in general. Also, the rule was that whoever won got a popsicle. But that's just sad, isn't it? If one of them were to end up with a treat while the other one walk home empty-handed. I couldn't do that to my girls. I love babysitting them.
As we were on our way back from getting Madeline a popsicle, and Nadia a snowcone from an ice cream stand, the timer on my phone rang, signaling it was time to go.
"Come on, girls." I called for both of them and knowingly they started to whine.
"Please, Ms. Aurora. Could we just play another round of hide and seek before we go?" Madeline begged. There was no way to say no to those puppy dog eyes of hers. But I have to stand my ground this time.
"Girl, you said that the last game." I bent down to match their height and Nadia cutely brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Please, Ms. Aurora."
I shook my head, chuckling, "It's time to go, sweetheart. You still have a lot of homework to do both of you and how many times have I told you not to call me Ms. Aurora?"
"Unless we play another round of hide and seek, it's still Ms. Aurora, Ms. Aurora." Madeline let out a playful scoff as she planted her hands on her hips. Nadia mimicked her best friend and did the same.
"I really can't with both of you." I laughed.
Upon realizing they would never get it their way this time, eventually, both of them gave in. I ended up walking them home just in time for when the parents returned from work. Madeline's mother, Mrs. Riley invited me to stay for dinner, and for the tenth time, I had to turn her down. It wasn't that I dislike Mrs. Riley's cooking. I mean she is a chef and oh. That delicious aroma of her roasting brisket. Ugh. Anyways, as much as I wished I could stay, I know I shouldn't. My fear of her husband had given me a stronger reason for this determination.
It's not that Mr. Riley is a bad guy. He's amazing. Gentleman. Great with kids. He is such a great father to Madeline, a respectful husband to Mrs. Riley, and the best employer I could ever ask for. So what's the problem here? Well, while some people are very skilled in reading human body language, I tended to only go with gut feeling. It happens automatically for me. I see a guy, be around them and all I could do was stand there, numb.
I do not feel safe. No matter how nice the guy was. I just couldn't.
I thought eventually I would finally develop some trust in men, and only be on the lookout for any red flags. But up till now, I still couldn't overcome my fear. And it's gotten to the point where I've considered seeing a therapist. But an increase in daily expenses is just as overwhelming.
I don't have a lot left to afford the ideal lifestyle. I only have enough to pay for the utility bill and for food. I don't have a full-time job at the moment. I am only part-time babysitting, and on weekends I killed the time by volunteering at the nursing home. Being around elderly people, I found it much more soothing. During the day, I read. I used to go to the public library near my house, but one of the male librarians soon proved to be a little too friendly, so I stopped going. I wasn't afraid of him. But it was very uncomfortable. I hate attention. I hate men. And when those two factors were combined, my brain immediately told me to run.
After I had successfully dropped off the girls at their home, I headed straight back to mine and wasn't at all surprised to see Sabrina sitting on the front porch, waiting for me.
"I checked your mail." She announced and my eyes narrowed at her disturbingly.
"Excuse me." I was kidding with her. I actually don't mind. In fact, if it hadn't been for Sabrina sneakily going through my mailbox, the electricity at home might have been cut off as I completely missed a couple final notices.
When she handed me a white envelope and didn't say anything, I looked at her weirdly.
"Just open the envelope! Dammit, Rora!" She grunted, looking like she was about to go ballistic right there and right then.
"God. Chill." I told her as I carefully began to tear open the envelope in my hand, feeling the same burst of energy arise again and electricity rushed through me.
I tried to mask it but failed when I pulled out the sheet of paper inside and unfolded it, my hand immediately flew up to cover my mouth.
"You got accepted! Oh my freaking god!" Sabrina gasped before she rose to her feet quickly and started jumping up and down. I had no sympathy for her whatsoever when she accidentally kicked herself in the shin.
"Fuck. That hurts." She winced.
As she continued to smile proudly at me, Sabrina also added.
"To tell the truth, I already knew you were going to get accepted." She bluffed, "Your SAT scores were nearly perfect. There is no freaking way the uni people do not want you honestly."
"Thank, Sab." I sighed, contented, "But I couldn't have done it without you, you know that."
"I did nothing." She disagreed, "You spent like what— eight months doing nothing but studying for the test.."
Actually, I did quite a lot of reading. It is one thing I liked best to do in my leisure time and I have got a ton of leisure time lately.
"So, what're you going to do now?" Sabrina asked and as her question slowly registered in my head, I realized.
"I don't know." I breathed out, "Probably just going to keep applying."
"That does sound like a smart idea. But I don't think you should take too long." Her eyes registered concern but I could tell she didn't want to push it, "It's not like I am worried that you're going to end up getting disappointed or anything. I know any school around here would be more than lucky to get you as their student, but it's not healthy."
I chuckled, "Sending your SAT score to a lot of universities, you mean?"
"No. I am not talking about that." She deadpanned, "I'm talking about your lifestyle."
"What about my lifestyle, Sab?" I asked and truly didn't realize there was a problem.
Not until I heard she said it.
"You have this fear of people, don't you?"
I sighed deeply.
"Just men in general." I declared, "But you know why."
She nodded.
"I'm not saying I want you to be completely extrovert. But don't you think you have been a little too much of a home body lately?"
I felt my stomach do a funny little backflip thing. Like a part of me knew she was going to accuse me for being so introverted.
"No." I shook my head, "Not at all.."
"If you insist." She sighed.
I sighed too.
"Sab, I'm just—"
"It had been a year, Aurora." She cut me off but I could tell from her tone that she's seriously worried, "Although, there is no visible wound, but I can tell you aren't completely healed."
"Sab." I wanted to say something but no words came out as hers knocked all the breath out of my lungs.
"I am so sorry that was done to you." She revealed, "But seeing how much you used to want to go to college, versus you now, trying to buy yourself some time and not really wanting be in one. This may be the sign that moving forward isn't exactly what you want."
I swallowed hard.
"Let's go shopping tomorrow." As my mood had completely shifted, Sabrina could only watch me in surprise.
"I need a new outfit." I concluded, "I'm going to an orientation next week."
***********************
The bane of my existence are loud noise, wet floor, packed space and male.
So imagined, finding yourself standing in a tiny hall filled with young adults. Some group seemed to be about your age and some seemed old enough to be your parents.
I was suffocated. Someone needs to give me a Xanax or I'm about to pass out.
I looked around at the other people but they all had their heads bowed, busy engaging in conversations. I was very much surprised. Everyone actually looked like they were interested in making new friends and getting to know one another better. And then there is me.
What I hadn't noticed before is that I was probably the only one in this big meeting room without a company, or even a friend. Everyone appeared to be intimidated by my neutral facial expression and clearly introvert personality.
Orientation is officially a fail.
I wished I hadn't went there because now, the one thing I was most afraid of had just been proven and confirmed.
I no longer fit in.
I'm strange. I'm weird. Apart from Sabrina, no one wants to be my friend.
The whole bus ride home I spent wondering, where did I go wrong? No matter how positive I'm trying to be, things kept getting worst and worst. It's hard as hell to want to keep living when life is like that.
I felt like sharing my story with someone, but then the better question is who? I couldn't even talk to Sabrina openly about everything I had been through, and we've known each other for about a decade.
I wish there is something like a disposable friend. Someone whom you could confess your sin to, tell the truth and the next day, they don't even recognize your face or voice, or even know who you were.
I need a friend. I know I need someone new.
Someone who could understand me wholly, and has been through something similar. But where could I ever find such a person?
If anyone had been through half of that I went through, they would probably put themselves in a mental hospital by now.
"How was today?"
Entering the living room was Sabrina, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was her. For the thousandth time, I kept forgetting to lock the front door.
"It was great." I lied. I didn't want to stress her out as I had already made my final decision.
I'm going to college. One way or another.
"Did you make any new friends?" She asked. She sounded like my mother. It was both settling and unsettling at the same time.
"Yes. Plenty." I continued to lie, "You know the weather is super nice out there. Very refreshing."
Given that the community college I chose to attend located about fifty-minute bus ride away from the town we currently lived in. It's much better to be out there without any tall buildings to block the view. The campus was a small but it truly gave off the vive of those friendly schools in your neighborhood, accessible to all. I didn't want to judge the place to quickly. I might not enjoy the event, but I really did enjoy the setting and they had a very fine college program for a community college that size.
"Did you get to see their dorm room?" Sabrina asked, "I heard from a friend whose mutual friend goes to that school and he said there had just opened a brand new residence hall."
"Right." I had no idea what she was talking about. I spent like fifteen minutes walking around campus and afraid I was going to get lost before I panic and took the bus straight home. What hall?
"You know I would suggest for the first year of going there, you should consider living on-campus. Especially now that you have already made some friends. You could ask one of them to be your roommate."
I cleared my throat, heading to the fridge, pretended that I suddenly was in need of a drink.
"That sounds like a great idea. But I don't know how I feel about living with a stranger." I added,l "And usually, dorms are crappy. It shouldn't matter if they are brand new or not."
"Well, I know someone in the senior year who could definitely hook you up and get you a room in their brand new residence hall."
I laughed, dryly, "Thanks, but I honestly think it would be better if I were to—"
"Live here and ride the bus everyday for an hour to go to school?"
Ugh. I hate how she always has a freaking point.
"Listen. I will call up my friend and see what she can do. For now, you just sit back and relax, alright?"
"Will try."
"I think I could definitely get you a single room. Or worst case scenario, a double room but since you've already made some friends, it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a roommate." She said, "Any first year kid would kill to be in the new residence hall. It's always like that."
It felt like an hour where I spent mulling on what exactly to say. When it all came to an end, I couldn't do anything but gave a slight nod.
Damn, you, Aurora. You had one job.
*********************
I hate packing.
Officially, me and packing just don't go well together.
Speaking of which, I have spent the past three hours sitting in contemplative silence, literally trying to emotionally detach while attempting to pack for college.
I'm moving out. How splendidly that I had a friend like Sabrina. She was upbeat and worked her plan. It was amazing how quickly it all fell into place. In a week, she managed to get me signed up with the head girl and moved right into a double room at the school's new residence hall. Turned out the head girl was actually Sabrina's second cousin, and according to her, only seniors and top-class students were admitted to this residence hall. So to speak, unnecessary noise, unjustified negative behaviors and Saturday night party were out of the picture. It's just going to be me and a bunch of my kind of people.
Suddenly, the idea of living in dormitory doesn't sound to bad. So yes, I said yes to her. Sabrina also gave me her cousin's phone number so a helping hand is only one call away.
I was nervous. Tomorrow is the last move-in date for all new incoming freshman. I have the list of all the residents on my phone, but was to afraid to even look at it. Of course, I had been dying to know who my roommate is. But what's the point? All I have was her name and how much information could you mine out of a name.
Well, you could google her.
No. Hell. No. That's absolutely ridiculous.
I would never do that to my future roommate. That is invasion of privacy.
Yet, my hand is already in my pocket, searching for a my phone.
Ugh. Damn you, Aurora.
My chest tightened with a ping of guilt, but I completely ignored it. I proceeded to unlock my phone and pulled up the chat window between me and Selena, also known as Sabrina's second cousin. The heard girl.
I scrolled up our old chat and tapped on the pdf icon of the file she sent me. The blank white screen came up first before the whole page was filled with names and numbers.
I went through the first and second page. My name wasn't on there. Then, the third, the fourth, the fifth and then the sixth which brought me very nearly to the end of the list.
There it was. My name.
Aurora Emma Kavanaugh.
And right next to it was,
Amelia Grace Harper.
*******************
Another chapter.
Sorry a short one but I want to make up for all the chapters I failed to deliver within the past few weeks!
Enjoy!