6 days left.
Exiting the limousine with Jungkook following behind me felt totally off. The attention from everyone passing by made me feel a strange uneasiness. The fact that I was just dropped off by a way too expensive car with way too much space for only Jungkook and I made me feel strange too.
Tonight Jungkook and I were going to a 5 star restaurant.
The look on Jungkook's face when a limousine had come to pick us up at my apartment was beyond description - and so was mine.
I had told my parents with firmness that I would not accept them renting a limousine only to drive Jungkook and I down to the restaurant, that was located only 30 minutes away from my apartment.
It would be embarrassing of some kind and draw too much attention from others. I wanted this to be just a normal date - despite us going to an expensive 5 star restaurant.
But my parents had already decided. They wouldn't take no for an answer. They were determined to make what they called my childhood dream to ride a limousine come true.
I was against it because of the expense. It was already costly enough for the restaurant part, which my parents had insisted on paying, a stupid 30 minutes ride would be excessive. But they again insisted, saying that it would be my 23rd birthday gift.
I gave up trying to change their minds then. It must've been hard for them to know that I wasn't gonna be present for my birthday. So I let them.
But I still wasn't ready when the black, long Maybach pulled up in front of my apartment complex.
"I still don't get why your parents did that. Did they win the lottery?" Jungkook joked as we followed the kind waiter who led us to our table.
"Don't even ask, I'm not sure what got into their heads." I laughed.
The waiter gestured to a table with two leather chairs and a clean dark wooden table. The restaurant was mainly designed in a dark tone, which made the atmosphere much more intense but also more cozy. The floor was a dark wood and matched the tables. The dim lights in the ceilings made the restaurant seem more romantic.
I grabbed the back of my chair but Jungkook was quick to nudge away my hand. He then pulled out my chair nonchalantly, gesturing me to get seated.
"So chivalry." I said with a smile before sitting down.
"I try." Jungkook said, slowly pushing the chair in so I was seated well in front of the table.
I observed him as he made his way to his own chair and seated. I couldn't help but smile at his gesture. The rich atmosphere certainly made him act as a proper gentleman.
As he sat down and his eyes found mine, I quickly looked away. I skimmed the restaurant, feeling a sudden uneasiness in my stomach. We sat almost in the middle of the restaurant and I noticed some of the people around us wore watches that looked expensive and some women had a designer bag next them.
I shifted in my chair, trying to find a right position to sit in. But it all felt off. I knew I wrote this on my to-do list myself, but it felt so wrong for Jungkook and I to be in such a classy restaurant.
Here we were in almost our everyday clothes, only a tie on Jungkook and a few more jewelry on me to match the restaurant. But I felt so out of place. As if I didn't belong.
"Princess, relax." Jungkook voiced, noticing my tense position and flickering eyes. I loosened my eyes off of other people and focused back on Jungkook. He'd tilted his head slightly as he always did when he felt I was nervous.
"Today, you really are a real princess." He said with a chuckle. I snickered shortly at his joke.
"Let's order." I said, searching for a waiter.
"Woah, let's look at the menu first." Jungkook said. The feeling of being out of place led me to being hasty. Jungkook opening the menu card in front of him and searched for something delicious to eat.
I did too, but nothing seemed appealing. I hadn't had much of an appetite lately and tonight was no different. It may seem snobby to say that I'd rather eat ramen or nothing at all, when I was at a restaurant that some people only wished to be able to afford to go to. But that was how it was.
"Hell these meals are expensive." Jungkook bursted. I quickly shushed him, looking around to see if anyone heard.
"Jungkook you can't speak like that here!" I said.
"What why? Because we're surrounded by fancy people?" He perked his brow at me. I simply nodded, still cautiously looking around.
"Y/n I bet some of these people are just as normal as us."
I rolled my eyes and pouted at his teasing voice. Why tease me just because I was responsible and conscious of our surroundings.
When Jungkook finished picking one of the cheapest meals, but still an appealing one, we called for the waiter and ordered. It didn't feel like too long until the food arrived. Actually I would say Jungkook and I didn't even get to finish one conversation before the plates were placed in front of us, filling our noses with all sorts of scents.
I watched smilingly as Jungkook ate the food with his eyes, adoring it as if it was the most precious meal ever. If life was a cartoon I could've sworn he would be drooling and licking his lips right now. The thought even stroke me that he must love food more than me - maybe even more than his own mother.
Jungkook didn't even look at me before setting his teeth in the food, humming and praising the taste. Every now and then he checked on me, telling me how good his dish was and asking if I wanted to try and if he could try mine.
I ate slowly, not really feeling like eating the whole dish. It smelled nice, but it wasn't really appealing to me. The feeling of the food going down my gullet and to my stomach was strangely unsettling.
I suddenly felt like vomiting after some time spent looking at the food and only taking two bites
"I have to go to the toilet real quick." I excused myself to Jungkook. I heard Jungkook say something, but I didn't listen as I was already on my way away from the table.
When I reached the toilet I started feeling dizzy and immediately locked myself into one of the stalls. I sat down on my knees in front of the toilet, waiting for my body to react and vomit. But nothing came up. I instead, sat down on my butt, leaning against the door to the toilet.
I sat for a few minutes, thinking about the situation. I shouldn't be out there when Jungkook was waiting for me at the table. I shouldn't ruin the evening my parents had paid so much for. I shouldn't waste the yummy food I had craved since writing it on my to-do list.
The nausea wasn't gone, but I didn't feel like vomiting. It felt like something was blocking my throat. I grabbed my throat and pressed it slightly when I started coughing. The power of the coughs made me stand up for it to not hurt as bad as when my stomach was all scrunched. I straightened my back and tried to pull up my chin to straighten my throat that felt tightened and started hurting.
I started to clench my teeth together and sealed my lips to keep in the coughs while I took a look at my hand that felt slightly wet after I had coughed.
I mentally screamed at the sight of blood spread randomly on my palm and when tiny drops of mixed blood and spit escaped my lips as I couldn't keep my coughs sealed anymore.
I grabbed some toilet paper, keeping it in front of my mouth. A last big powerful cough left my body feeling weak.
I slowly took away the paper from my mouth, looking at the red blood stains. Some of them were dark red which meant it was old while other spots looked fresh.
I locked myself out of the bathrooms and went to the sink to wash off the blood from my hands. I looked myself in the mirror, noticing my red eyes and lips that were slightly stained with blood.
I watched myself through the mirror for a few moments, taking in what had just happened and why.
Did I just cough blood?
Is it dangerous?
Am I really gonna die?
The sound of a door opening and a woman entering the bathroom, made me buck down and hide my face in the sink. I washed my face until I heard a door closing again and locking, indicating I was alone again.
I again looked at myself in the mirror. My eyeliner was slightly smushed. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped it the best I could before collecting myself and going back to the table where Jungkook was waiting for me.
It looked like he hadn't eaten while I was gone. Not even the glass of wine seemed more empty than before.
"Are you okay?" He questioned, tilting his head as if he was searching my face.
I cleared my throat quickly, "Yeah." I smiled and nodded, picking up the cutlery.
"You sure? Did something happen?" His eyebrows were furrowed. He obviously could see the redness in my eyes.
"Just a mild coughing fit." I shrugged, "I'm okay Kook."
I nodded assuringly and he nodded too, going back to finishing his meal.
We left the restaurant a little later when Jungkook had finished his meal. I never finished mine. Jungkook tasted most of it however, as I whined about how it would hurt the chef's feelings if I didn't at least make the plate look as if I had eaten something.
We walked down the streets heading towards the nearest bus stop. We couldn't help but to be relieved when the limousine wasn't waiting for us as we exited the restaurant - even though Jungkook had found the ride pretty cool.
Him and his man ego. We laughed at that for a while.
When we reached the bus stop, we noticed that the next bus would only arrive in another 20 minutes. We had just missed the previous one.
We only waited for a minute or two before Jungkook suggested for us to take a short walk. He blamed it that he noticed my cold trembling and that it would then be better to stay moving than still.
"Don't forget to thank your parents for the meal." Jungkook nudged my shoulder, making me chuckle.
"I think you've reminded me enough already. By now, I don't think I'll ever forget it."
Jungkook stopped walking, which led to me stopping too a few steps ahead of him.
He gestured to the entrance of a park next to us with his eyes. I followed his eyes to the entrance, only thinking shortly before shaking my head, "We better head back if we don't want to miss the bus."
"And what would be so terrible about that? We can just call for that limousine of yours." He replied cheeky and with a grin.
I let out something between a scoff and a chuckle before I began to head back to the bus stop, passing Jungkook. But as I passed him, he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back and making me bump into his chest.
"What the fuck, Jungkook." I bursted, rubbing my nose that was slightly sore from the punch.
"Sorry, just thought you were being really annoyingly stubborn." He smiled, raising his brows.
I looked up from focusing on my nose and noticed how close we were. Jungkook's hand was still on my wrist, gently grasping around it as if he didn't want to let go. I looked away from his eyes, feeling a sudden shyness and the warm feeling spread throughout my body. I looked around, searching if any people were near. There weren't many.
"You know, you've been acting different towards me lately." Jungkook broke the silence.
"I have?" I played dumb, still avoiding eye contact.
"Hmm," He hummed, "Your cheeks are red." He remarked.
I quickly brought my hands to my cheeks, feeling the warmth contrasting to my cold hands. I stared straight forward now, my head tilting slightly down and focused on Jungkook's chest in front of me.
"You're being a lot more shy around me lately." He chuckled. As I let my hands fall down by my side again, his hands went to down to play with my fingers.
"Look at me." Jungkook said. I complied immediately as the atmosphere and his hands playing with mine made me obedient.
I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask him why his eyes glistened while looking down on me. I wanted to tell him what he made me feel just in this moment. I wanted to ask him why he wasn't kissing.
But instead, the only word I could form was, "Why?"
I let it out in a hesitant whisper as my breath had gotten deeper and heavier by our close proximity.
He didn't reply. Instead, his other hand found its way around my waist and pulled me closer to him, closing the space between our bodies. His face was so close to mine that I could smell the sweet fragrance of the wine he had drunk at the restaurant.
"Do I need a reason for wanting to look into your eyes?" His hand that was still playing with my fingers, made its way to my jaw, stroking his thumb along with it. He stopped and let it rest just underneath my bottom lip pulling slightly on the skin of my chin so my lips parted.
"You're beautiful."
His words were intense and they dug right through my flesh and entered my heart. I squinted my eyes shut before leaning in and connecting my lips with his. A simple peck it was as I pulled my head back to await his reaction.
I could feel his chest draw deep breaths and his eyes flickered between mine and my lips.
Why isn't he reacting?
Why isn't he saying anything?
I was just about to pull away when the doubting thoughts rushed over me. Why did I kiss him? Did I ruin it? Was he gonna hate me now?
Though the grip around my waist tightened and before I could withdraw my mind from its doubting places, he snaked his hand around the back of my head and pulled me in and reconnected our lips. I felt the rush of helplessness and the surging wave of warmth as the feeling of his lips on mine left me limp.
He kissed me softly, swiping his thumb across my cheek before he tilted my head with his hand and with a swift graduation of intensity he entered my mouth, making me be in a dizzy swaying world.
I complied the kiss immediately, moving my arms around his neck and digging my fingers in his hair. I felt a pang in my stomach when he continuously pulled me closer by my waist even though we already clung to each other.
I felt out of air and ill by the blood running to my head. It crippled all around my body, my skin burned wherever he touched me. Our lips moved against each other smoothly as if it was something we were used to. I smiled into the kiss, feeling a wave of relief and pure happiness washing over me. And I wished the moment would last forever.
But of course it had to end.
A sudden real lack of air made me pull away and start coughing. I felt Jungkook's hands on my shoulders, his voice whispering something into my ears. Luckily I caught my breath quickly, the cough being nothing serious this time.
I turned around to look at Jungkook, "I'm sorry." I said flustered and embarrassed that I ruined our kiss because of my stupidly weak lungs.
Jungkook smiled a close mouthed smile that made me weak all over again. His face was warm, his hands around my shoulders sent chills through my body. How was he able to make me feel like that by simply just smiling?
"Don't." He said simply and grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers and dragged me along with him as we made our way back to the bus stop.
It was a comfortable silence that followed us on the bus ride home, yet I couldn't help but think why he was so quiet.
Was he still thinking about the kiss?
Was it really that good?
Was he relished in our fingers entwined and at loss for words?
Or, did he regret it?
As I got home I changed into my pajamas and cuddled up in my bed, with my notebook in my lap. I was always excited to tick things off the list in the evenings. But today was far different and I was way more giddy about it.
I almost squealed as I went straight to the kissing one and ticked it off. I only after that ticked off the restaurant thing, because honestly that wasn't even important right now.
I kissed Jungkook.
I did it first. I initiated it.
And hell he kissed me back!
He kissed so very well. Amazing actually. He kissed me sweetly, then got carried away and we made out intensely. It was sweet, and he was a terrific kisser.
But what did I expect really, knowing him since high school and even knowing him before we first talked, thanks to his reputation of being a ladies man. Which I could only confirm with all the memories I had of him telling me about another girl, and another girl and another again.
But ever since we both graduated high school and he moved to Seoul and started his career as an upcoming artist, he'd not told me about any girl.
Maybe it's because...
I wriggled in my bed, thinking about the fact that he might've liked me already.
I grabbed my pencil again, eagerly letting it stroke the sheet of paper without any thoughts and add another thing on my list.
The red strokes on the paper withdrew my mind from its fantasy and brought me back to reality.
The giddy bubbling feeling inside me faded and my smile disappeared with it.
That's stupid
It was a stupid and selfish wish that would only last a maximum of a week.
Would I really like to make Jungkook mine and then leave him days after?
Was I really able to live with the fact that I selfishly asked Jungkook to be mine? Well, I wasn't even the one who would have to live with it, he was.
That just wouldn't be right.
It was egoistic enough of me to not tell him what was really going on. It would be tormenting him if I'd ask him to be mine only for me to leave him soon after. I'd rather make the best out of our last days together without care than making it be like that.
It wouldn't be fair.
5 days left.
It was way past midnight when I found myself lying awake and unable to fall asleep.
I had just hung up on a call with Jungkook. He was as usual the one talking, but this time I stayed quiet mostly because I felt shy. I shy and nervous just by the look of his name on my phone. But still he made me feel at ease. Even though I couldn't see his face and his smile bracing it and making me feel stronger, his voice had a soothing effect on my nerves.
But when his voice was gone, all the haunting thoughts came back.
It wasn't the list and my dream of making Jungkook mine that haunted me anymore... it was reality.
Everything had seemed so perfect today. Yet, I coughed up blood, and it wasn't just a single drop. Why was there blood in my airways? I hadn't felt anything up until the moment it got stuck. Why was it so unexpected?
Would my death be just as unexpected?
That night, I didn't sleep.
I couldn't.
How would I be able to close my eyes, not knowing whether I'd wake up or not?
I had lived like this for a month now. The fear of dying wasn't new. But the sudden realization that hit me after I coughed up blood, really terrified me. Maybe it was time now for real. Maybe I really wouldn't wake up the next morning.
Tomorrow is never promised.
And mine was not even supposed.
If I closed my eyes then, would I ever open them again?
I pulled out my notebook again and ticked off laugh as much as I can. I had, despite the situation, had the most fun I could've had and it felt right finally being able to give it a tick. Maybe I too was scared that I would die before I got to tick it off.
But I still had one last thing on my list. I wasn't ready to leave.
And If I really had to trust the doctors as they always told me to, I should go to bed with a peaceful mind. I still had days left. According to them, 5.
But the anxiety inside my fucking fragile mind and weak body was keeping me up and wouldn't let me rest.
Instead, I ended up turning to a blank side and started writing.
Hi Jungkook....
AN:
Long chapter! I hope you enjoyed ittt
Actually this chapter has double the amount of words as the previous, and even more loool