Ever since Jake had found me out, I had extremely tense. I knew I needed to tell Josh as soon as possible so that he could hear the news from me and not his brother, but it was as if I could never find the right moment to do so. When he had invited me on a weekend getaway, I had agreed immediately because I was so blinded by my consuming love for Josh, but now, in hindsight, I realized that it was a really bad idea.
Despite the fact that Josh and I had been dating for two months, we had never gone all the way. There always seemed to be a reason not to: Lina was around, Josh had to work early in the morning and couldn't spend the night, or as things progressed I would get all anxious and shut them down. Josh probably attributed my anxieties when it came to having sex to the fact that I had accidentally conceived a child; he never asked me to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with, which I appreciated him for, but I knew it would be unfair to him if I expected us to remain celibate now for the sake of keeping my secret.
Looking back, however, I had been careless. How had I never considered that Josh might have recognized my tattoos? Luckily, anything we had done since dating had been in the dark. Now that we were going away on a private vacation, I knew the situation couldn't be avoided, and there was an even higher likelihood that Josh would find out. I had to come clean once and for all.
Josh picked me up from my apartment on Friday afternoon with plans to go to a luxury bed-and-breakfast about an hour outside of the city. He assured me that we would get to relax and unwind with little interference from the outside world, which sounded nice considering how overwhelmed I had been in the preceding weeks. Keeping this secret from him was really weighing on me and I wanted to use this time to be present with Josh and alleviate some of my stress.
Our plan for the night was to have dinner at a restaurant not too far from the bed-and-breakfast, and then spend the night in, just hanging out with one another. While Josh was in the shower, I rifled through my suitcase that sat atop the dresser to find an outfit to wear to dinner. In my pursuit of what clothing I thought would be best suited for the occasion, my elbow bumped a pile of Josh's belongings beside my suitcase, sending them to the floor. Among the pile was a pair of his sunglasses, a journal, and a jacket. I bent to pick them up from the floor and the journal was face down, with its pages spread about. I picked the journal up first, and a smaller piece of paper fell from within one of the pages. I examined it out of curiosity and discovered that it was a photograph.
I turned it over to see what the image was, and my eyes widened.
The picture was of Josh and a girl. He had the same curly brown hair but his face was shaven clean, he looked younger. The girl beside him was young and had long blonde hair and a tanned skin— she was everything I wasn't. Her smile was so wide and bright, and her face was glowing. She was so beautiful and carefree that I hardly recognized her.
The girl was me.
A flash of a memory from the night where it had all happened ran through my mind:
'Here,' I said reaching for the camera. I leaned in close to him and flipped it around so that I could take a picture of the both of us. 'So we can be remembered together.' I said with a shy smile. He kissed me on the cheek, and I snapped the picture, just as the car pulled up to the hotel Josh was staying at.
Why would he keep this?
I couldn't believe he still had it after all of this time. That night must have meant something to him if he had gone through the trouble of having the picture developed, and kept it tucked away in his journal for almost two years.
It made me wonder if he had ever had any suspicions of who I really was over the course of our relationship. I decided that I was going to come clean as soon as possible.
I heard the door to the bathroom open and I stuck the picture back in the journal and closed it quickly, setting it atop the pile of his things I had retrieved from the floor. Josh entered the bedroom, drying off his hair with his towel.
"Josh, I have something important to tell you, w-we, uh," I closed my eyes and began.
This is it. There's no going back now. This conversation was one that I had played out inside of my head a thousand times, so it shouldn't be too difficult, right?
I felt my chest begin to tighten.
He interrupted on my account of my drop off in volume at the end of my sentence, "I have something important to tell you too, that's part of the reason why I wanted us to be alone this weekend."
"Okay... you first." I breathed, happy to put this off for a few moments longer.
"We're going on tour." He stated, trying to gage my reaction
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
"The band, we're going on tour after the release of our new album. We found out just before the engagement party last weekend." He explained further.
"And, you waited this long to tell me?" I said, hurt that he had kept something this major from me for that long.
Hypocrite. I scolded myself.
He took my hands in his, "Celine, I wanted to tell you earlier but the timing was just never right, and I felt like this deserved an in person conversation as opposed to telling you over the phone."
"No, yeah, I understand." I shook my head, trying to settle my thoughts. "Why didn't the label let me know? I'm in charge of marketing your project, I should have known something this substantial."
This changed everything.
"They wanted us to be the first to know; they're planning on telling the rest of the team in a meeting next week, but I wanted you to hear it from me first." He said, looking at me intently.
My mind raced. What would this mean for my relationship with Josh?
"W-when do you leave?" I asked, feeling myself get upset.
"The album gets released at the beginning of next month, and then we leave for tour three months from then, in the beginning of February." He replied.
Lina's first birthday is in February— another milestone he would miss.
"How long is the tour?" I continued to pepper him with questions.
"They're not entirely sure yet, the first leg is eight months, but it could extend up to fourteen." He said with a sigh and a pained expression.
"A whole year," I whispered, closing my eyes. I felt sick. "So... what does that mean for us?"
"I- I don't know." Josh began, shaking his head and looking at the floor before returning his eyes to meet mine, "I mean, I care about you and your daughter deeply, and I still want to be with you when the time comes,"
"This, this is really hard." I confessed, my mind racing. "I care about you too, Josh, but I don't know if I will be able to do this. I mean, I told myself that when Lina was born, I would only get into a relationship if I saw a future with the person, and I definitely see a future with you, it's just... I don't know if I'll be able to be away from you for that long."
"You could come with us," He offered, optimism shining in his eyes.
"I can't raise my baby on the road." I whispered.
"I understand." He said, the wearing the defeat on his face. "Well, there's a lot of time between now and then, we could always wait and see what happens?" He proposed, but I feel like he knew deep down the circumstances were not going to change.
"Josh, I'm falling in love with you— which may sound crazy given we've only been together for a little over two months. That being said, I don't know if I can continue with my feelings growing stronger only for me to inevitably be left even more heartbroken when the time finally comes, if things don't work out." I confessed.
He put his hands on my shoulder, looking me deep in the eyes, "See, there's the thing— 'if things don't work out'. We don't know what's to come. I say we give it a try. I'm falling in love with you too, Celine, and it would kill me if we don't give us a chance." He said with a newfound passion and determination to make things work.
Wasn't that what got me into this in the first place? Giving us a chance?
I sighed, "You're right, I'm willing to see where things go." I conceded, not wanting the impending doom of Josh going on tour to be the end of us just yet.
"That's my girl." He said with a smirk, pulling me close into a tight embrace.
I loved being his girl and I wanted to savor this moment a little longer.
"Now, what was it that you needed to tell me?" He released me from his hold ever so slightly so that he could look me in the eye in expectation of my response.
"Oh, it was just that I'm falling for you." I blurted, unable to speak my truth.
COWARD! What is wrong with me?! I silently cursed myself for falling short of telling him the truth, yet again.
He cupped my face in his hands and pulled my in for a deep kiss, making me weak in the knees. I was such a sucker for his touch.
"We might have to be late for that dinner reservation..." He said with a smirk.
Maybe I wouldn't end up telling him the truth at all if we were just bound to break up once the tour started, I might as well enjoy the little time we had left...