Dear Diary ,
It is better said than done , I know having said this , I am a mess , Working for 12 hours a day, and Eating for the rest ...
Sleep is something that has been far away from the wink of my eyes.
I sleep for a few hours a day , Yes I'm not insomniac as of now.....
No I'm not insomniac at all.
I sleep from 2 in the morning to 6 in the morning, 4 hours and Hence I'm not suffering from insomnia.
It's just I am tired, Physically and Mentally too.
I am fine for 5 days a week but the weekdays are a torture to me , I'm alone in my room, no roommate, no Family and no person I can share myself with.
Yes , This takes me back to how Mad I was, to propose A live in With Sidharth, whom I hardly know, I mean yes I wanted to know him because it feels we had a lifetime together but guess what Impulses are always wrong, maybe My mother was right ....
Did He deny ? I don't know I mean yes that was what I could make out from the way he said .
" Decisions in impulses are always wrong Ms. Beautiful"
His voice , the baritone of a soothing, calming voice was all that I heard even now.
Anyways his words were what made me question my self worth too , What else do I had to make it out from that.
So yeah I'm trying, To actually digest what I presented myself to him, as a desparate Person Maybe !
I don't know !
Also Just to tell you it's been a month since that incident happened in the airplane, He was there , he still is but maybe I'm backing out , I have no energy in me to fight against all the odds now.
I'm broken person ! Broken because I'm still engaged too Aarav and he is trying, Trying for a long Distance relationship I suggested, It's just I am not getting what I want, I clearly Have no idea about how to deal with this.
I sighed getting up and scrolling through my messages on WhatsApp...
There were 5 unread from my colleague but it has been my policy of no work on Saturday, Well Sunday I do because I want to spend my day well.
Yes that's what I do .
Scrolling down there was a message from my Mother , I sighed opening it.
" Shehnaaz Again it has been the same , you are quite busy aren't you ? It doesn't work this way, You are engaged in case you are forgetting, following your dreams doesn't mean you ignore your family sweetheart and Along with us , Aarav and his family is your responsibility now "
The message read and my dear Diary I might tell you this! Exactly this takes me on a road I never wanted to , Road of self guilt, self loathing and self hate to put in correct words.
Gone are the days I loved Bollywood, Now I hate it, it has Spoiled my mind to be sane , It has made me what I never want myself to be.
I need to get out from my fairytales and I better know this now.
" I was busy Mom, Earning this much takes half of my patience already Nd I try alright, I really don't wanna pick up a fight again but I am trying, you don't believe me ask your favourite Aarav , I'm sure he believes me too and Yes Give my love to Dad, Tell him I miss him here"
I typed and sent, I know that might hurt her but I can't help , could I? Maybe she is right in finding Aarav but I still stand on my ground of being informed beforehand, which apparently I was not.
Okay let it be , I scrolled my screen again and there was a message from Aarav.
" Will be done by 8 in the evening Shehnaaz, Call whenever you are free after that "
It read and I sighed , he genuinely was trying wasn't he ?
Was I worth it ?
I sighed scrolling down again, And then that's when It again caught my Attention.
Mr. Stranger
When you are done being alone, Remember I am just a text away Ms. Beautiful.
It read and I closed it immediately, I don't wanna go on that road again, I'm hurt ....
Way more than he can guess I'm , But is he fine ?
Atleast My Dad told me he is, Dad and Sidharth are in touch more than I'm in touch with my Dad, My Dad loves him like his own and he is a definition of Perfect in the modern world I always knew.
I am gonna go to Joe's now , Well that's been my routine, Joe is a bartender who owns the biggest Club here in Bangalore and I visit there every Saturday....
From the past Month I mean, I was away from what this world calls Alcohol and Ciagratte but I guess I need to loose out once in a while, Do I drink? No I don't .
Do I smoke ? Again No I don't...
Then what does I do there? I watch .....
Okay I'm being brutally honest with you oh my Diary, I just watch , People loosing themselves in the alcohol, dancing their hearts out and being happy, Okay There's more to it .
I watch Sidharth Sit there too....
He never notices me I know , but every Saturday he is there, with a few of his colleagues, I have seen him having a single glass of whatever they have throughout the evening but it is neither replaced by a new one nor the contents in it is ever finished, yes he does smoke, and Trust me he looks hot .
Never In my Dreams I imagined To call someone hot while they are smoking.....
But guess that's Sidharth, The one who messes me up.
I am gonna go get ready My Diary, I have to be back by 10 too, I need to call Aarav, I'm gonna try ? Maybe ! Maybe Not! But I guess for his efforts he needs to be appreciated, so this time I am gonna call him from myself, to clear out a few things .
I will take your leave .
Bye
Yours Personal Messy Person
Ummm...
(P.S. Thanks for being there for me to rant it all out and I know there's a lot to tell you when I come back , you know if you know wink wink )
*
Oh yes !
I do remember me telling her the same words , Was I wrong ? I know I wasn't, we had have talked it out once we came to such a level of our relationship!
Okay Maybe I was but You tell me ! Whoever you are , you might not be a witness to our journey but you are going through it now, with her in that diary and me here in front of you! How do I miss her, but I guess I feel she's here, somewhere with me or maybe in front of me, I am .....
Okay till the time I figure out where she is you tell me Aren't Decisions made in impulse always wrong!
Just look at her life, that is unwinding now in front of me ....
Her mother too in an impulse bound her to someone she was finding so difficult to adjust with then how could I agree to her the same moment.
I know how desparately I wanted it, Marriage or no Marriage she was what I ended my world on, I realised it pretty back when she was there beside me , On my Grandmother's Death, I realised it but she , She wasn't sure when she asked me that and US , for me We were anything but guilt.
And She looked Breathtaking that Particular Saturday, She Always looked ethereal but that day it was the first for me to see her in something.....
She donned a backless Black Bodycon, I was amazed at her sight, she usually dressed in a normal top with jeans , her hairs flowing freely every Saturday, She thought I didn't notice her but Oh God She was it , For me !
She was what I ever wanted and thus I noticed her, Everytime she laughed on whatever Joe spoke looking at me , I know her every step but that Saturday, I felt I knew I had this jealous thing in me, her hairs those usually open were tied in a bun and that exposed everything in that dress, She ....
Umm she did it on purpose I know But I wanted to punch out every guy looking at her that night but Who were we ?
She actually misunderstood me ! She did and I knew that moment I am going to loose it , so I did what my heart wanted to , She was mine to look at , I won't stop her from following her heart but know I won't take her ignoring me to.
I remember that day was what Bollywood described as a perfect filmy scene , well yes I'm talking like her , but these years all these years did this ....
I kissed her , And that was the last I knew because that was it .
She was mine and I was not going to lose her.
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(P.S. I am tired of Asking for votes now, but guess you won't understand, there are reads but no votes , what to understand is something I am failing to understand now, I know I'm not making sense but voting doesn't cost you anything but it does motivate me)