A/N: *Still hiding behind hands*
I stayed at the hospital all night, occasionally dosing off in the waiting room's chairs. It wasn't exactly comfy, but the thought of seeing Logan kept me there. So when visiting hours finally re-opened at eleven, I raced to Logan's door as fast as I could. But once I got there, my whole energy changed.
At first I was feeling slightly excited, but as soon as I peered in through the tiny window, I realised that Logan really was in a coma. My excitement dwindled into nothing but regret, as I opened the door and wandered into the room, quietly.
I tried to pretend that he was simply asleep, but the noises of the machines and the tube in his mouth, that was helping him breathe, kept reminding me otherwise. Reminding me that he was asleep, but it was a sleep he wasn't going to wake up from. Despite overhearing what the doctors had said about Logan's situation, I still tried to believe that he would somehow make it through this. That I'd be able to hear his voice again.
He had to pull through. He had to.
I slid one of the two chairs in the room, over to Logan's side and sat down. My eyes scanned across each and every thing inside the room. Pausing as they came across the small TV-like monitor, that showed his heart rate. I placed my hand on the bed by his, unsure about whether or not to hold his hand. I wanted to, so desperately, but I was afraid Logan might not. I'd let him down, after all. God knows how he felt about me now.
I decided to not think about that, and held his hand anyway. I couldn't fight the urge to. I was careful not to move his arm too much, or to knock the little object on his index finger, that was monitoring his pulse. The beeping of the monitors and the noise of the ventilator, were daunting, in a way.
His face looked pale, especially in contrast with his dark hair, that clung to his forehead, messy and unwashed. I wanted to see his eyes open, but I knew I probably never would, not ever again. I brushed the pad of my thumb over the skin of his hand, in comfort. I hoped he could feel it, letting him know I was right there with him.
"I'm so sorry, Logan," I began in a quiet whisper. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I was just so scared of losing you." A tear rolled down my cheek, but I made no effort to wipe it away. "I didn't know how to deal with it. I was so stupid, I'm so sorry." My voice had grown a little louder now, breaking on the last two words.
I lowered my head and wished for a reply. I wanted to hear Logan tell me it would all be okay. I wanted to be curled up at Logan's side in his bed, and this to all be a nightmare that he would wake me up from. It couldn't be real, it just couldn't be. It all happened too fast. The fact that it happened at all was surreal enough.
"I should have been there for you, I know that," I wiped at my nose, shaking my head. "I broke my promise. I promised you I'd come back and I didn't. Fuck," I breathed, swallowing against the lodge in my throat. "You have to come back, Logan."
I tried to tell myself that he wasn't gone yet. That he was still here, because I was holding onto him. His hand was warm, and I could feel his pulse. He was still here. He was just in a deep sleep. It was too hard to try and believe that he would wake up. Especially when the doctors didn't even see a possibility of it happening. But I had to believe. I couldn't give up like they had.
"Logan please," I whispered, resting my forehead gently by his hand, on the bed. "Please come back."
I lifted my head up quickly as I heard the door to his room opening. I was a little taken off guard to see his mother standing there, watching me with about as much surprise as I was to see her here. It shouldn't really have been that shocking to me, since she was his mum and she was here the night before, too. I just never anticipated us to be in the room at the same time.
She took the other chair in the room, leaving it where it was, against the wall. She was out of my sight, sat behind me, to my left. I didn't bother turning around in my chair to face her, but I felt awkward having my back to her, too. I was about to leave, thinking it was best to leave her alone with him, when she started speaking.
"I know how much Logan cares for you," she said, her voice sounding weak and uneven. I turned my head to the side, to face her as much as I could, without turning in my chair. "I want to thank you, for making him the happiest I've ever seen him."
I cast my gaze down at her feet, not finding much truth in her words. I didn't see how I could have made him happy from the way I acted. I couldn't believe her words. But I nodded, not trusting my voice to even work if I tried to speak. I turned my face back to look at Logan.
After a few minutes of silence, I realised that that was all his mum had to say to me, which was my cue to leave.
My hand seemed to tighten on Logan's hand against my will, knowing I was about to make it let go, and it didn't want to. But I finally forced our hands apart and stood up, wiping at my nose and eyes as I made for the door. Before I could leave, his mum said one last thing, stopping me with a hand on my wrist.
"He really did care for you," her eyes bore into mine intently, obviously seeing my disbelief from earlier. She held my gaze for a few seconds, before releasing my wrist and turning her attention back to her son. She sat down in the chair that was by the bed, and placed her hand where mine had previously been.
I swallowed, nodding my head against the tears, and left before I could give myself the chance to break down. That was definitely not something his mum needed to see at this moment in time.
As I made it to the entrance of the hospital, outside into the cold chill, I knew it was time to go back to the flat. I couldn't avoid it forever, and Nate was most likely at work anyway. Besides, I needed something to take my mind from Logan and distract me for a little while. Though it would definitely be a hard thing to do, it was worth a try.
So I caught a cab back to the apartment. Luckily the driver was the moping type, that simply stared at the road with a self-pitying frown on his lips and sometimes mumbled a few words to himself. I didn't have to act like I was paying him any attention, thankfully, so I just watched the streets and people merge into one, as we sped past them.
The cab dropped me off at the corner, and I walked the rest of the way to the apartment, as usual. Today wasn't really as cold as it first seemed. I guess I was just used to being inside the warmth of the hospital. I sluggishly made my way up the stairs, all the way up to the floor of my flat. Opening the door with a sigh and preparing myself for the worst.
I expected Kyle to come storming down from his room, shouting and spitting at me about where I've been, and why I haven't been making enough money. But apparently he wasn't in, because none of that followed as I entered the flat. I wasn't quite sure anyone was in, actually, because it was entirely too quiet.
I made my over to the room we all slept in, surprised to see my sleeping bag was still where it should be. After not showing up for three nights, I would've thought one of the lads would have claimed it for themselves. I was also surprised to see Alex and Tyler sitting in the room together. Granted Alex was on the sofa, and Tyler was sitting far away from him on the other side of the floor. But still, they were alone in a room, together.
I looked from one to the other, but none of them said a word. I wasn't particularly surprised, since the last thing I said to Alex wasn't exactly the nicest of things, and Tyler, well, he simply wasn't a very polite person in nature. I raised my eyebrows and leaned back against the wall, by the door, unsure of what to do with myself.
"What're you doing here?" Alex's voice eventually broke the silence. It didn't sound like he was all too happy to see me, but I couldn't really give a fuck right now. And if he was gonna start with an attitude, I wasn't in the mood to just sit back and take it.
"I do still live here," I stated, mimicking his tone.
"Oh, really? S'funny cause, I never see you around here anymore."
"And you wonder why that is?" I said, looking Alex up and down. His upper lip twitched in irritation.
"Too good for us now, is that it?" He replied, but I tried not to rise to his words. He knew damn well that wasn't what I meant. He stood up and took a few steps towards me. My eyes spared a glance towards Tyler, who was staring at Alex with slight amusement.
"Alex, what's your problem?" I said tiresomely. I really wanted him to just give up the cockiness. I was sick and tired of it. It was almost like Tyler and Alex had swapped personalities, he was getting that annoying.
He shrugged carelessly, his arrogance showing through the easy smile he wore. "I don't have a problem. What's your problem? You look like shit. Has the little rich twat finally realised he's paying too much for too little?"
My fingers flexed by my sides. It's not that Alex's words were really getting to me, just the fact that I really, really was itching for a fight. I'd been feeling tense ever since I heard Logan was in the hospital, and laying my anger into someone seemed like a real good way to relax, right about now. I wasn't letting my reasonable side speak as Alex took another step. I just really wanted that release.
"Or is it that Logan fellow? Has he finally realised how worthless you really are?" But those words, those words hit a nerve. My left hand balled into a fist as soon as he said his name. The way he said it, I hated the sound of Logan's name coming from his mouth. As he took another step forward, he noticed that he'd pissed me off and his lips curled into a proud smirk.
I wouldn't ever have dreamed of hitting Alex, or feeling this hatred that I had towards him now. But this wasn't the same Alex as before, and I was sick of holding back. So I let go, and my fist lunged forward, connecting with the side of his jaw. I heard the satisfying smack of my fist against his face. He stumbled backwards, a little from shock and a little from the actual impact.
I took his shock as an advantage and threw my fist out again, hitting roundabout the same place. Alex tripped over himself and ended up falling to the floor. All I could think about was the way he said Logan's name, and the fact that he was using that to get at me. To hurt me. I couldn't stand it. I hated this Alex.
I knew that I shouldn't be taking everything out on him, it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't stop myself as I grabbed his jumper with one hand, and punched him again with the other. Again and again, all my anger and frustration was going into those hits. Everything I felt about Logan, about the fact that no matter what, I was probably going to lose him.
Thoughts of the promises I'd made Alex to look after him and be there for him, flashed through my mind, but it didn't matter. I wasn't about to stop on my own terms. So my fist just kept colliding with his cheek, his jaw. I saw blood, but that still didn't deter me.
What surprisingly stopped me, was Tyler grabbing me by the shoulders and dragging me off the kid, tossing me to the floor. I immediately jumped to my feet, not thinking clearly and only wanting to go back for more, because despite the fact that I knew it was wrong, it felt so fucking good. But Tyler stood there, in the middle of the two of us.
Alex was still laid on the floor, curling in on himself and sputtering coughs here and there. I looked down at my left fist, which was shaking from the adrenaline the situation had caused. I had a small cut on the middle knuckle, which was probably caused by catching the skin on Alex's teeth, at some point.
I couldn't see the damage I'd done to Alex, properly. But I guessed there must have been quite a bit of blood, as I had some on my hand that wasn't my own. My breathing was still heavy, my hands still shaking, but my reasonable side was now making an appearance, and guilt followed closely behind it.
Tyler glanced down at Alex, and I thought for a second that he was gonna bend down to see if he was okay, but instead he simply shrugged and guided me out the door. I was too hyped up to find the part in me that gives a fuck, and fall down by Alex's side, muttering apologies and all that shit. In the back of my mind, I believed he deserved it. Maybe I knocked some sense into him.
Tyler lead me out the flat door, where we wandered down to the floor below ours, that was vacant. I took a seat in the middle of the stairs, letting my head fall into my arms that were balancing on my thighs. It was only just setting in that what I did to Alex was wrong. It scared me, actually, the way I had been thinking. The fact that it didn't click inside my head that I needed to stop, no matter how good it felt.
"Feel better afta tha'?" Tyler's voice sounded amused, as he sat down beside me, nudging me with his elbow. I raised my head to look at him, the answer clearly stated on my face. "I guess not, then, ey?"
"What the hell got into me," I muttered to myself. I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hands, groaning with frustration. "Fucking kid." Tyler laughed at that.
"You know, I never would'a thought I'd see the day where I 'ad to pull you'se offa him," he laughed again, and I joined in with a small huff.
"No shit," I mumbled, staring at my hand that was still stained with Alex's blood. "That's not Alex anymore, though, is it?" I turned my gaze towards Tyler. Tyler gave me a sympathetic look.
"Nah, still th' same kid. He's jus' a bit fucked up right now. Doesn' really know what he's doin', where he's goin'. This i'nt the sorta life for 'im."
"This isn't the sort of life for anyone," I corrected, rolling my head forward again. "I'm sick of this life, Ty. Everything just goes wrong. It...it makes you feel like things are gonna be okay, it makes you believe things are getting better, and then it just fucks you over."
"Wha's happened?" He asked, shuffling back until he was against the wall, and his feet were up on the stairs with us. Almost like he was getting comfortable for a long story.
"The shit's just hit the fan, hasn't it?" I sighed. "I just feel lost, you know? Alex has fucked himself up with drugs and Logan, god," I had to take a deep breath to hold off the tears for a little longer. "Logan's in a coma." Tyler leaned forward after hearing that, shock evident in his eyes.
"How th' fuck?"
"I dunno. He told me he had cancer a few days ago and, next thing I know he's in the hospital. They don't think he's gonna pull through."
"Jesus,"
"And now I don't even feel like myself. I don't know how much more I can take, Ty. Ever since I was fifteen, things just haven't gone right, have they? Not really." I covered my face with my hands, just as the tears were beginning to push through again.
"I just really miss Logan." Were the last words I could say before I started crying, and my voice was nothing more than a sob.