"What made you want to hang out, today, Asuna?" asked Shino, sitting in front of Asuna at the dining room table, inside of Shino's apartment.
This wasn't the first time that Asuna had visited Shino's apartment. In fact, she had been to her friend's apartment a couple of times, whether it was assisting Shino with homework, talking about strategies to become better in GGO or to just hang out. Due to how focused Asuna was on her studies, prior to the SAO incident, she never got the chance to hang out with others her age. She began to get labeled as antisocial by the other kids because of her refusal to go out and hang out with them. It was drilled into Asuna's mind, ever since she was young, that success was determined by grades and hard work in the school setting. Her mother, specifically, made it a point that things such as friends would only get in her way and prevent her from reaching her true potential. Unfortunately, Asuna, foolishly, believed this growing up and couldn't help but put some of the blame onto her mother for how little social interaction she had when she was younger. The years where she could have been having fun with friends was coming to a close as she got closer and closer to graduating high school. Sometimes, Asuna found herself wishing that she could go back in time or that she could've realized sooner how insignificant getting good grades really was in the long run. Asuna still thought that getting a respectable job was good...but found herself, these days, considering getting a job that she would actually be passionate about rather than one that merely paid well. Over the last couple of years, she had finally learned that money truly didn't buy happiness but that emotion, instead, came from spending time with the people she cared about most such as friends and family. In Asuna's case, Kazuto and Yui were the main source of joy in her life and the things she treasured the most but also, she had friends such as Shino, Agil and Suguha that she was extremely grateful for. Having lost both Lisbeth and Klein in such as short period of time, put into perspective how short life really was and how she should treasure the time she had with her friends and family a lot more.
"O-Oh, since Kirito was busy with something, today, I figured I would hang out with you, Sinon," answered Asuna, smiling. "Plus, I felt like the two of us both needed a little break from talking about the Bullet of Bullets tournament and Death Gun for a little bit."
"W-Well, I appreciate it," replied Shino, looking at the large dinner that her and Asuna had cooked, together, that consisted of vegetables, Teriyaki chicken, white rice and some handmade egg rolls. "I think we did a pretty good job on dinner, if I do say so myself. Thanks for helping out, Asuna. It's been a while since I've cooked a meal like this. Usually, I just settle for TV dinners, these days, since I'm, typically, by myself."
That was one thing that Asuna had noticed every single time she had visited her friend. Shino was always alone at the apartment. Asuna always found herself uncomfortable asking about why that was but decided that she was close enough to Shino, that her friend wouldn't mind talking about, now.
"H-Hey, Shino; do you live in this place by yourself, all of the time?" asked Asuna. "I know you mentioned that you lost your father when you were younger but your mother is still around, right? D-Does she live somewhere else?"
Shino's smile at her and Asuna's dinner disappeared at the mention of her mother.
"Y-Yeah, my mom is currently dealing with some things on her own while I live here at this apartment," explained Shino, not looking up to face Asuna. "She...was already having a really tough time, after dad died. Then, as soon as she was making some progress, the post office incident occurred and, just like that, all of that progress was gone. Once again, she was in no shape to take care of me but, this time, my mom didn't want me to waste my time taking care of her so she...just left. My mom never told me where she was going, either, or when she would be back. She just...left. As pathetic as it sounds, to this day, I still call her to check in with her. I...worry about her a ton. She is my mom, after all, ya know and...I know that she's somewhere suffering. I want to be there to help take care of her and I don't think it was fair of her to just up and leave like that. I know she did it with the best of intentions but...that doesn't mean that I agree with what she did."
"H-Has she answered any of your phone calls?" questioned Asuna, already knowing, deep in her heart, the answer.
Shino paused for a second and the only response she gave was, sadly, shaking her head, no.
"Not once," replied Shino, heartbroken. "With as many times as I've called her, she hasn't answered once. I...try not to let it get to me but...it hurts...it really does. Knowing that the relationship that I used to have with my mom...is gone and I, honestly, don't think it's ever coming back, either. I still keep calling, though, because even if my mom wants our relationship to end, I don't. I'll fight for it...with everything that I have...even if I'm the only one. Oh, sorry for dragging on about that depressing stuff, Asuna. I kind of feel like I ruined the mood of the dinner that we worked so hard to prepare."
"N-No, it's not a problem. It's my fault for asking about your mom. I should be the one apologizing. I really didn't mean to bring up such bad memories for you, Sinon. Out of curiosity, how do you afford this apartment, by yourself?"
Asuna was hoping that changing the topic of the conversation would be for the best. She didn't like to see her friend depressed.
"My grandparents actually pay for it," responded Shino. "I...actually did use to live in this apartment with my mom, before she left. As soon as my grandparents learned about my mom leaving, they began paying all of the bills associated with living here and even offered to move in with me. As kind as their offer was, though, I didn't want to burden the two of them, anymore, than I already have. They've done so much for me in my life and they're already making it so that I can live here without having to get a job, myself. I told them that I have no problem living in this apartment by myself because I believe that, one day, my mom will come back. Like I said, I haven't given up on her, even if she's given up on herself. It might be false hope but...it's still hope, I suppose."
"Sinon..."
"Oh, while we're on the topic of moms...how's your mom doing, Asuna?" asked Shino, flipping the conversation so that it was now focused on Asuna's relationship with her mom. "I know you said that the two of you were having a tough time getting along, these days. Has it gotten any better?"
Asuna recalled her mother's attempt at trying to make conversation with her, not too long ago, and Asuna rejecting her. In the moment, it had taken Asuna completely off guard. She struggled to remember a time when her mother took an interest in her life and wanted to know if anything was bothering her daughter. A part of Asuna did feel bad for not indulging her mother, after she was clearly making an effort but didn't want her mom to be involved with everything that she was dealing with in terms of the Bullet of Bullets and Death Gun. The last thing she wanted to do was put her mother in danger, even if it came at the cost of looking selfish and cold in her mother's eyes.
"It's...still not great," admitted Asuna. "And...this time, I feel like it's my fault. Surprisingly, my mom actually wanted to know what was happening in my life. She wanted to talk to me and I just got up from the dinner table and left. I didn't want to burden her with all of the things that I'm dealing with or put her in danger."
"It sounds like she was actually making an effort. That could mean that she's changing. Isn't that a good thing, Asuna?"
"I...just worry that it's a bit too late. I'm about to graduate high school and I haven't told my mom this but...Kirito and I are planning to move in with each other as soon as he graduates as well. On top of that, I don't plan on going straight to college, after I graduate high school. Haha, if I told her that, she would go back to being her old self, again. The disappointed mother, who I could never please, no matter how hard I tried."
"I know I'm in no position to say this but, maybe, talking to your mom would be a good idea, right now? I know she's been tough on you for most of your life and hasn't been the mother that you might have wanted but...she's still in your life, Asuna. For better or worse, your mom still wants to play a role in your life. I would do anything for my own mom to be back in mine. Don't take your relationship with your mom for granted because...the last thing I want for you, Asuna, is for you to be in the same spot that I find myself in. Just...give your mom a chance...for me, okay?"
Asuna didn't know if she had the courage and inner strength to talk to her mother about all of the things on her mind but could tell that Shino was worried about her well-being. Plus, she made a valid point. There were some days that Asuna wished her mother wasn't in her life, anymore, but...that wasn't how she really felt. The only thing Asuna wanted...was for her mother to listen to her, for once. Now that her mother was, finally, willing to listen to Asuna, she couldn't force herself to talk to her.
"I-I'll give it some thought," was the only response that Asuna could muster. "L-Let's just try to enjoy our dinner that we worked so hard on."
*
*
*
Dinner between Asuna and her mother, as usual, was awkwardly quiet which was a much more common occurrence ever since Asuna had rejected her mother's attempt at talking with her. Her mother didn't even bother getting upset at Asuna for, sometimes, being late to the dinner table or not finishing all of the food on her plate, like she used to. Instead, her mother was just, emptily, looking down at the meal that Sada Akiyo, the housekeeper, had prepared for the two of them. Asuna never meant to hurt her mother's feelings by walking away from her when her mother was wanting to talk to her...in fact, she did this for opposite reasons. She didn't want to burden her mother with her problems. How was she supposed to tell her mother that she was assisting Kazuto and Shino in stopping a player that had the ability to kill players in the real world from the VR one? Asuna believed her mother would just scold her, tell her that what she was doing wasn't safe and list all of the more productive things she could be doing with her time rather than that. Asuna never liked the fact that her mother would constantly scold her and tell her to do better throughout her entire childhood but seeing her mother in this kind of state was almost worse, in a way. At least before, she was still talking to Asuna, even if most of the time, it came in the form of giving her grief. A part of Asuna just wanted to let the remainder of their dinner stay silent but a larger part of her forced her to, finally, speak up, to break the uncomfortable silence.
"You've been a little quieter, lately," commented Asuna. "Has work been difficult?"
Kyouko almost seemed taken aback by the fact that Asuna was talking to her.
"N-No, work is...the same as it always is. It can be busy, at times, but nothing with it has really changed. I apologize for being quiet. There's just a lot on my mind, at the moment."
"Like what?"
"Hm. Lately, I've just been reevaluating some of my own life choices," explained Kyouko, putting the fork she was using to eat on her plate. "A lot of people my age do that, I suppose...it comes with getting older. We can't help but look back on our pasts and judge ourselves. I've always been strict with you, Asuna, and your brother, for that matter. That's most likely why he rarely visits, these days. Actually, it was probably this strict and work-focused nature of mine that drove your father away as well. I always put all of the blame on him for the way that our marriage ended but, perhaps, that wasn't fair of me. I, most likely, didn't play the role of loving wife very well...just like I didn't play the role of loving mother very well, either.
"I...don't think that's true at all," Asuna disagreed. "You may give me and Kouichirou a hard time but that doesn't make you a bad mom. Plus, when dad and you were together, you seemed a lot happier, to be honest. I'd say that I noticed the biggest change in your personality when he left."
"I did try to bury myself in my work more when your father left. Maybe, it was to take my mind off of the sadness of him leaving...because I was too, mentally, weak to deal with it? Then, I took out my own frustrations out on my kids, especially you, Asuna, who ended up taking the brunt of these frustrations. I was a bit hard on Kouichirou as well but it wasn't until he saw how I treated you that he began to distance himself from me. Can't say I blame him. I pushed you...so hard...I told myself that it was so you could find success in life...I wanted you to live a fulfilling life and never have to worry about finances. I foolishly thought that money and a stable job would be the things that would bring you the most happiness but when I look at myself, I realize how dumb that line of thinking truly was. I have a stable job. I have enough money to pay my bills and I don't ever have to worry about my life, from a financial perspective. And look at me. I lost my husband. My son wants nothing to do with me. And my daughter won't talk to me."
"B-But—"
"Please, let me finish, Asuna," interrupted Kyouko. "I need to get this off of my chest while I have the chance. I...I'm so sorry for pushing you so hard...to the point, where you missed out on so many things kids your age should have gotten to experience. Your childhood and entire school life was dedicated to nothing but learning and work...at the cost of social interactions...and, most of all, fun. You...never had any fun growing up, except for when you would visit my parents when they were still alive. That's just who my parents were, though. They always knew how to balance work and fun. Something, I wished that I would have learned from them. I mean, the two of us haven't gone back to their cabin...the same cabin you used to love so much, Asuna, in what feels like forever. And, on top of all of this, you've had to experience things a girl your age should never have to go through...being trapped in a nightmare world, alone...being kidnapped by a damn psychopath...and...having to take a life. The...the most frustrating thing is that I haven't done a damn thing to comfort you because I, genuinely, don't know how to. I want to understand your pain but there's just no way I could. I could never understand the horrible things you've gone through, Asuna. Yet, despite my own incompetence in this regard, you've gotten through it, all on your own. You survived that death game which is something that I could have never done, myself. You protected someone that you cared about, even if it required taking a life which is, again, something that I could never do. And, now, I have the feeling that you're doing something else that requires a large amount of inner strength that you refuse to tell me about. Most likely, putting your own life in danger for the sake of others, correct? Once again, something I would never do. I'm...so glad...that you didn't turn out to be anything like me, Asuna. Hell, you've surpassed me in every single way...just like your brother already has. I'm...proud of you. No, I'm extremely proud of you. I should say that so much more often because you deserve it. I apologize for talking so much but I just wanted you to know all of this."
All was silent between Asuna and her mother as Asuna processed everything Kyouko had just told her. She had never known that her mother had felt any of these things mainly because Kyouko never showed this side of her. In all honesty, Asuna never felt like she would ever see this side of her mother...a side of vulnerability.
"Y-You talked about...my strength...when I cleared SAO," Asuna said. "When I first learned that there was no escape from that game world, I panicked...I locked myself in a room I had rented and refused to leave it, in fear of dying and never being able to return to the real world. The thing....that motivated me to leave that room...was you, mom. I just knew that if you saw me hiding away in that room, you would have scolded me for my pathetic self-loathing and would tell me to get my shit, together, and work as hard as I could to make it back home. It was...because of how stern and strict you were, mom...that I was able to force myself out of that damn room. If I hadn't, then there's no guarantee I would have made it out of SAO with my life intact...I wouldn't have met Yuki...made friends with other players...and, most importantly, met Kirito and got to experience the life that I had always dreamed of by living with him and Yui for that short amount of time. The only reason I think I have this strength and willpower is because of how hard you pushed me, since a young age. You may have pushed me hard...harder than most parents...but I don't know if I would have been strong enough to make it this far in my life, if you hadn't. So, thank you, mom. Thank you for pushing me so hard. Thank you for always telling me to do better. Thank you...for being a strong, single mom, and taking care of me, these last couple of years, by yourself. I know it couldn't have been easy. After dad left, you did everything you could to take care of my brother and I both...you never stayed in bed, depressed, waiting for dad to return...you never got the chance to do that. As soon as he left, all you could think about was how making sure none of it would affect Kouichirou and I's lives. You work hard, mom, even if it comes at the cost of spending less time with us. Although, I think that's why you've turned so bitter, over these last couple of years. You've closed yourself off from the family that you still have left and have let your work take over your life. Kouichirou and I don't dislike you...we just want our mom to spend time with us, again, and not work herself to death, all of the time. Spending time with Kirito, Yui, Sinon and all of my friends has taught me what the most important thing in life actually is. It's family. And you're part of my family, mom. You, dad and Kouichirou all are...although, Kirito and Yui are also, my family. One day, I want my entire family to visit grandma and grandpa's cabin and all of us to share a big dinner there. Nothing would make me happier, mom."
"B-But if I don't work so hard, then we may not have enough money to—"
"I'm not saying to stop working hard, mom, but I believe that leaving more room in your life for other things is important too. Grandpa and Grandma worked hard, most of the time, too, right? Yet, they always left enough time in their lives to have fun with you when you were younger. And, they had fun with Kouichirou and I when we would visit as well. You know, when I was talking to grandma and grandpa, one time, when I was younger, they mentioned that they wanted you to, one day, be in their shoes. To be able to retire and spend time with your grandchildren, just like they were able to. They wanted you to be happy, mom, and that's what Kouichirou and I want for you as well. We just want you to be happy. I, personally, don't think that's too much to ask for."
"Happy, huh?" repeated Kyouko, realizing how long it had been since that emotion was a factor in her life. "I haven't thought about my own happiness in a long time. Maybe, it's time...I start. I don't want to die alone. I want you and Kouichirou to visit me, after you're all grown up and started your own lives. I want...to be a better mother, even if it is late to start trying to be one. I know it won't be easy but, if you could just give me a chance, Asuna—"
"Don't worry, mom. I know, better than anyone, that when you put your mind to something, there isn't anything you can't do. I'll never give up on you. I promise. Because, I know you're capable of changing. We all are."
"A-Asuna, I-I don't know what it is that's been keeping you so busy, lately, and you don't have to tell me what it is, if you don't want to. I'm sure...that whatever it is...it's the right thing to do. Just...promise me...that you'll be safe, alright? Keep being strong but, also, be safe."
Asuna thought for a moment about actually telling her mother about everything that's been happening with Death Gun and GGO but, instead, just smiled at her mother, for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
"Hey, mom, when I'm done with what I've been working on, do you want to visit grandma and grandpa's cabin...just the two of us? I think we could both really use a break."
"J-Just the two of us...it won't be as fun as if grandma and grandpa were there," admitted Kyouko, sadly.
"It will be...as long as the two of us make it just as fun as when they were alive. I'm sure it would make grandma and grandpa really happy to see you having fun, again, at their cabin."
"Haha, okay, then," answered Kyouko. "Just let me know when you're ready, Asuna, and I'll take off work so that we can go to the cabin. Let me know...if there's anything I can do to help you, Asuna. Protecting you and making sure you're safe is my job, after all."
Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading this week's chapter. This was another slower and character focused chapter but it was nice to finally write the heart to heart conversation between Asuna and her mother which is a relationship that I've enjoyed exploring more in this series. I will see you all next week for the next chapter!