I'd awkwardly shuffled away before we passed the threshold of making out and walk-of-shamed myself back home. I can't believe I let myself do that... I can't believe he did that! I tried to make sense of it, my head still spinning. We must've just been wrapped up in talking about Ryan and Beth, I'm sure that's all.
Then... why didn't I want to stop..?
I felt as if I could puke as I shut my bedroom door behind me, my heart racing a little. I tried to shake it off and get ready for bed, guilt oozing off of me.
I tossed and turned throughout the night, I couldn't believe myself.
---
The next morning I was in the round pen with a customer's horse; a palomino mare named Lady who was afraid of the world.
Ryan leaned on the fence with a wide smile, "Morning."
"Morning."
"Heard Lee's comin' home today, that true."
"Far as I know." I clicked for Lady to walk faster.
"Hey, where were you last night?"
I tensed in the saddle causing Lady to throw her head and try to jump to the side, "Whoa, easy now, easy." I stroked her neck then looked back at Ryan, "In bed, why?"
He shrugged, "You just weren't at the bunkhouse, that's all."
"Yeah, I, uh, needed some extra sleep."
He nodded, "Fair enough. You comin' over tonight?"
I pulled her to a stop and finally looked at him, "You want me to?"
"Of course I do."
I swallowed hard, everything was changing and I hated it, "Okay, yeah, I'll be there."
He smiled and pushed off the fence, leaving to do some job.
I leaned into her ear, "Sorry about that, Lady." I clicked and we resumed walking around the pen.
I felt horrible, even more so when I caught a glimpse of Rip walking into the barn. I felt his gaze linger for a moment, which I tried to ignore. I clenched my jaw as I thought of last night, Lady snorting in response.
"Yeah, maybe it is time for a break..." I hopped off and walked into the barn, "Hey, Jimmy, do me a favor and cool her off when you get done."
He nodded and I put her in her stall. Walking out, I was too far in my head to realize Rip was standing in my way.
"Sorry,"
He looked down at me nervously, "You okay?"
"Yeah, um... do you think we could talk?"
"I got a lot to do, Kymberly." he didn't look at me, he was obviously deflecting and it hurt a bit.
"Please. We need to talk about what happened."
"No, we don't." he brushed past me which caused me to groan in frustration as I started off in the other direction.
I couldn't handle being around all of my problems so I went back to the house to clear my head, Jamie in the kitchen on the phone;
"How bad is it, Mike?" he walked away from his phone to pour himself coffee.
M: "Place burned to the foundation, Jamie."
J: "Wow."
M: "When we said make this go away, this isn't what we fucking meant!"
I sat at the kitchen island, all too invested in the newest Dutton drama I'd somehow missed out on last night.
J: "We didn't do it."
M: "It stinks, Jamie, and it smells like your father. Exactly what we wanted to avoid."
J: "Hey, you hired a medical examiner who was fired because-"
M: "He quit!"
J: "No, he was fired. Do your research, Mike, because he had a healthy addiction to embalming fluid."
I cringed at the idea,
J: "There's a lot of places you need to look before you look at us."
M: "Everybody's hunting parachutes over here."
He sat his mug down angerly "I am the last person you want talking about improprieties to the press. If you're circling wagons, you better put us in the middle of 'em. From where I sit, this guy got high and blew himself up. Is that a possibility, Mike?"
M: "This is why I'm not running again."
J: "No, you're not running again because I got you a partnership at the largest fucking law firm in the Helena. Is it a possibility, Mike? Answer my fucking question!"
The phone stayed silent,
J: "Mike."
M: "Yeah, it's possible."
J: "Sounds like a simple case to me. What the fuck?"
I joined Jamie in looking out the window, Beth marching somewhere in nothing but a bathrobe.
J: "Mike, I gotta go."
She threw an electric heater into the water trough then turned and marched back towards the house.
"Oh, shit."
She walked inside,
J: "What are you doin'?"
She said nothing as she grabbed two bottles of champagne and started back out the door.
"Beth?"
J: "Hey. What are you doin'?" he ran after her and I was too curious to stay inside. He kept calling after her with a slew of 'hey' and 'what are you doing's.
She threw her cigarette on the ground, "You better turn around, Jamie. I'm in no mood to explain why we don't have the same pee-pee."
"We have a million bathtubs in the house, why are you- Oh!" I turned around as she dropped her robe, "Beth!"
She got in and grabbed a bottle, "I know it's a lot for you to process, Jamie. Only yesterday you were dreaming of a penis."
J: "Yeah, the only thing on my mind is how am I gonna clean that trough."
She took a swig while chuckling, "Every now and then you say something that makes me think you're smart. And then I look at you and that thought fades."
"Beth, please, if dad sees you he's gonna have a heart attack."
B: "I think he's seen his fair share, Kymberly."
I groaned, Jamie kneeled at her side and avoided looking at her,
"Look, I know what this is. It's a cry for help but nobody cares to offer any, Beth. Nobody."
B: "Look me in the eye and tell me what today is."
The pain in her voice made me turn around, while I still looked at anywhere but her.
Us: "It's Thursday."
B: "You are so wrong."
"No, it is Thursday."
J: "And we're the only sober people in this conversation and I'm the only one with a calendar on his watch. So, yeah, it's fucking Thursday!"
B: "It's the day our mother died."
We both fell silent, he was recalling the day and I was recalling every single time Beth had found a way to punish me for Evelyn's death even though I couldn't form memories at the time.
B: "I bet he remembers."
Jamie gave her one last look to which I couldn't place the meaning, though knowing them it was probably hatred, before we both went back for the house.
He picked his coffee back up, "Can you fucking believe her? She grows more and more unhinged by the second!"
"She's in pain, Jame."
J: "You think she's the only one?"
"She's the only one who remembered."
J: "She's the only one psychotic enough to want to remember."
I sighed, then caught a glimpse of Rip through the kitchen widow. "Just steer clear, she's on a rampage today and she'll be gunning for you most of all."
He nodded as I turned to walk out the door, I passed Beth on the porch, though I pretended like she wasn't there- it was the only was to deal with her when she was like this.
I chased after Rip, who was already walking back to Jimmy and their horses,
R: "You Dutton girls aren't goin' to give me a break today, are you?"
"Not until we talk. Please, Rip."
He grumbled slightly while glancing back at Jimmy then back to me, "I got work to do, but we'll talk tonight, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
With a nod, we left each other.
---
As the day dragged on, my head couldn't stop buzzing. Even as I watched Ryan and Lloyd practice roping, Rip's voice kept my attention. I also couldn't help but notice the way his eyes kept finding themselves pulling in my direction. I was sure he was noticing the same on my side of things.
Ryan rode to where I was sitting on the fence, "Howdy."
I laughed a little, "Hey yourself, cowboy."
He glanced around, making sure was close enough to notice us, "Say, we never settled on when we should go out again."
"No, we didn't." a pit reopened in my stomach, guilt filling it instantly.
"How about tomorrow night?"
"You think you can sneak away again?"
He shrugged, "Sneak or not, we're going out."
I laughed, "Oh, we are, are we?"
"We are. You, me, some Mexican food, what do you think?"
"I think it sounds perfect."
"Good." he paused for a moment, "I want to kiss you so bad right now."
"Ryan, I-" I inhaled deeply, "You know we can't."
"I do, and I hate it."
"I do too, I really do. But, with everything going on right now... it's not safe. My dad could snap at the drop of a hat and I don't want it to be your head that ends up on his stick."
He nodded, "I'll see you at the bunkhouse." he turned his horse.
"See you there." I smiled, "Hey,"
He turned back, "Yeah?"
I leaned further toward him, "I really want to kiss you too."
Now he smiled. As he turned away, Rip caught my eye. He was standing there, staring at me like we were the only two people in the world. My cheeks burned and I quickly looked away, he'd never made me feel so nervous before.
---
Dad had invited a bunch of politicians over for dinner and a meeting, I wanted no part of it so I figured I'd stay at the bunkhouse... until Rip decided to spend a few social hours there. So, I hid in the barn.
I could deal with them individually, but together in something like the bunkhouse? Fuck. That.
I was brushing out Birdie's tail when Jamie marched into the barn. Beth's voice quickly following;
"In the barn with my brother. This feels like a Greek tragedy. If you bring out a goat, I'm fucking leaving."
Jamie paced back and forth, I knew some shit was about to go down so I ducked down, hoping they wouldn't catch me.
J: "Oh, my god, you are such a fucking child."
She laughed, "Well, I'm the child running for an office no one thinks you can win."
J: "All I do, every day, is fight for this family. What have you ever done?"
B: "Oh, you're a fighter, Jamie. You just don't win 'em."
J: "The hell I don't!"
B: "If you were winning, I wouldn't be here! He only calls me when you lose. Hell, I'm surprised he hasn't gotten Kymberly to replace you. Yet."
I cringed, of course my name came up in this.
J: "Yeah, okay, and what did I ever lose? This is the largest ranch in Montana! It's 200,000 acres larger than it was when I became chief counsel."
I was silently cheering him on from my very embarrassing position.
B: "Argue with him, Jamie. 'Cause I just don't care. I don't give a shit about this place. If dad died tomorrow, I would sell my share to the Four Seasons and I would swim laps in the pool they built without an ounce of remorse. Everything I do is for him and everything you do is for you. The only reason I'm here is 'cause he can't trust you."
I heard her footsteps begin to depart and I let out a quiet breath of relief.
J: "You are so toxic. I can barely rememebr what you were like before you killed her."
Nevermind...
I heard angry footsteps, something clatter (something she threw, I assume), followed by more footsteps and a dull thud and grunt as she punched Jamie.
I flinched, Birdie snorted and took a step back.
B: "How's that taste, you pussy?" she punched him again.
J: "God damn it."
B: "Huh?" I heard a more quiet thud, like she'd pushed him.
J: "Alright, stop. Alright, drive your polluted soul back to the city where it belongs."
B: "Come on, big man. Huh? Just like old times." I heard what I guessed was her slapping at him, "I wanna see you be a man, Jamie."
J: "Stop it. Stop it."
B: "Huh? Be a man!"
J: "Stop."
B: "Be a man!"
J: "Stop."
B: "Be a fucking man!" another punch landed on what I guessed was his face.
A loud thud followed by Beth grunting a hitting the ground caused me to slap my hand over my mouth in surprise.
J: "How's that for a man?"
She chuckled, "A man would've walked away." she laughed even more as she stood and walked out of the barn.
I stood, the danger being gone. Jamie looked at me with wide eyes.
J: "You... You were here the entire time?"
I sheepishly nodded, "I'm... gonna go..." I stepped out of the stall while refusing to meet his eyes.
---
I walked to the bunkhouse, trading one set of problems for another. Rip was closing the door behind him,
"Hey."
"Hey."
He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "So, you, uh, you wanna talk now?"
I sighed heavily, knowing this would be my only chance, "Yeah."
"Let's go to the barn for privacy."
"No, uh, Jamie's in there. Let's take a walk."
"Okay, then. Let's take a walk."
We walked towards the main paddock, my stomach doing back flips and a lump in my throat.
"Why did you do it? Why did you kiss me?"
"Shit, I-I don't know, Kymberly. You were just... there, I guess."
"So you're saying it meant nothing."
"If that's what you want me to say, then-"
"No, that's not how this works. You kissed me, did it mean anything? I'm not a Dutton right now, I'm just some girl you kissed."
"You've never been just 'some girl' to me, and you definitely weren't last night. I don't know if it meant anything, but..."
"But, it didn't mean nothing."
He looked at me, the stadium lights revealing the pain in his eyes, "I'm sorry, I didn't think. I should've done it."
"And I should've kissed you back. We both fucked up last night and we both have to be on the same page to fix it."
"And what page is that?"
I sighed, preparing to repeat what I've been telling myself all day, "We were caught up in our emotions talking about Beth and Ryan, we wanted them but because they were unavailable, we used what we had. Each other."
"And that's it? We just used each other?"
"Look," I stopped walking and turned myself to where I was completely facing him, "Beth isn't one to share her dinner, and I... I think I'm in love, Rip. We can't do this, not now... not ever."
He nodded, "I understand."
"But do you agree?" I knew my eyes were pleading with him, it was taking everything in me to not cry.
"Yes. It meant nothing, there's nothing between us. Not now, not ever."
"Thank you."
He simply nodded again.
"I'm gonna go back to the bunkhouse. Goodnight, Rip."
"Goodnight, miss Dutton."
I could feel his eyes lingering on me as I walked away. There was a part of myself that wanted to turn back around and run into his embrace, and it took everything in me to will it away.
The kiss did mean something. And there was something between us... something that was going to be a constant problem for my sanity.
I walked into the bunkhouse, Ryan's eyes lighting up as I shut the door behind me. I pulled up a chair next to him at the table.
Jake glanced between us, "You in?"
"No, just here to hang out. Um..." I looked at each of the guys, "Look, I know I put each of you in a compromising position but-"
Colby picked his glass up, "Your secret's safe with us." he took a drink.
"Thank you." I smiled, grabbing Ryan's hand.