Here we go. I can't believe we got to this point. I'm actually crying right now. This truly is the last chapter, I promise. It's also the longest chapter of the whole story. So let me know what you think and enjoy. Thank you for everything ❤️
Jade POV
...And so it began.
What followed was one of the most stressful, but also most exciting times we have ever experienced in our band history. The interview at Captial was followed by countless others on the same day and this repeated day after day for weeks on end. We did international promo for the lead single, the upcoming album and the band's comeback. Fortunately, our hard work was rewarded as the single became our next number one and would remain so for several weeks.
But there was not much time to rejoice. All the promo work, all the travelling across the globe, the jet lag, the numerous dates, acoustic gigs, radio tours, talk shows, interviews. Simply everything you can do. The whole thing. All that made us sleep an average amount of three hours a night tops. And I noticed it, I noticed it after the very first week. My body was nowhere near what it used to be. It was given time to heal, but I wondered, especially during those exhausting weeks, if it would ever get back to full capacity, or if I would have to live with it in the future. But looking at the schedule we had chosen for ourselves, I gritted my teeth and decided to push through.
By the time we shot the music video for the next single, we all were very exhausted. As it seemed, I wasn't the only one who was getting used to the more relaxed life, without all the deadline pressure. But the next single to be released was just as important to us as the first. It had a very special meaning to it. It was also the last song we wrote for the album. We knew the album was already good, but it was missing the last final track that would make it perfect. And so, with the help of Kamille, Rise was born. The song that sums up our comeback and my recovery in one. The song that tells the world that we're not done, that we're still very much here and that we don't plan on leaving anytime soon. That we will come back stronger than ever. We were so convinced of the song's message that we were about to name the whole album after it. But another title was just that tiny bit more meaningful.
Accordingly, the video had to be epic. We wanted to revive the vibes of Salute, but we just didn't have the time for a big choreography. So for the most part we marched in epic slow-motion shots dressed in black uniform-like outfits and showed ourselves as generals of the music industry. The message was clear. We wanted to declare war on anyone who tried to get us down.
We didn't personally write the third and fourth single Sweet Melody and Confetti. But when we heard the tracks, we quickly realised that these songs not only had to go on the album, but were destined to be singles. Perrie was particularly adamant. After much discussion, she made this clear in an unfamiliar harsh way.
"If Sweet Melody doesn't become the third single, I'm leaving the band. Honestly, we're stupid if we don't use this banger properly."
No one wanted to test her, no one wanted to contradict her and deep down we all felt the same. We trusted her, we pushed for Sweet Melody to become single number three and we were rewarded. For the first time in our band's history we had two number ones in one album. It was incredible.
Confetti didn't get number one, but did extremely well for a fourth single. The album now promised to be a huge success before it was even released. The most success we've ever had.
But one week before the album release, it was time for a very special single. The fifth single, also something unprecedented for us. The song was special, it was deep, it was heartbreaking, it was going to be impossible to sing live, that was for sure, and it was a must on the album. But also a very big step. A lot of overcoming was needed to honour this song like that. It was originally meant to be just for us, something between us. But the message of the song was just too important not to show it to the world. Especially with a view to the future.
"This song is different from the others...", I reminded everyone at the meeting. "It doesn't need any promo, it speaks for itself."
It was my opinion, but also my expressed desire to handle it that way and that was respected. A single Instagram post a day before announced that the song would be released tomorrow and, against all expectations, that's all it needed. The fans were still on fire and the only ballad on the album thus found the attention and love it deserved despite the non-existent promo.
And then, finally, after so many weeks and months of terrible hard work, after years of abstinence, years of uncertainty, after all the obstacles, all the stones that stood in the way, the day had really come. The 19th of August 2021. The day to release our sixth studio album. The day of our tenth anniversary.
We made a huge party in true Little Mix fashion. We invited all our friends, our family, our dancers, our crew and artists who made for an unforgettable evening. Quite spontaneously we also performed some of our repertoire. Our anniversary party was also the launch party and, for us at least, it was the event of the year.
But the next day, with the worst hangover I've ever had, we went straight on the plane and headed to a four-week promo tour for the album. At this point I was physically and mentally exhausted and couldn't wait to have a break after all the stress. But my body didn't really want to play along, it rather demanded a break right now.
I experienced one of the bigger setbacks that made me painfully understand once again that I was no longer the Jade I was before.
We decided to choose for Sweet Melody a classic as our music video. Basically a sequel to Touch. A pure dance video. But for that we also needed a great choreography. For the first time since our comeback, we got together with the dancers in the studio to rehearse the choreo. And I was highly motivated to be the old me again. The Jade who learns the dances faster than anyone else. Who has to see them once and then can dance them perfectly. Who danced with so much fun and joy and ease.
After the first run-through though, I was proved wrong.
That Jade wasn't there anymore, she doesn't exist, the old me didn't survive the cancer. This new version, the survivor, does not manage any movement with ease. I quickly found out that I couldn't keep up...not even with Perrie. They all had the steps down after a few passes, flawlessly, almost perfectly. I, on the other hand, looked as if I hadn't done them for the last few hours and was just starting.
Everyone noticed, everyone saw and it was the most embarrassing thing ever.
"Okay, five minute break," Claude said and I saw his head shaking while looking in my direction. But, like everything else in the room, I ignored him. Instead, without a word to anyone, I stomped angrily and frustratedly to my backpack and, with shaky hands, dug out a pain pill.
"What's this?", Perrie caught me immediately, but I wasn't in the mood.
"What does it look like?", I asked through clenched teeth before popping the pill into my mouth and quickly washing it down with a gulp of water before standing up, moaning softly.
"What did you take?" her tone was demanding and even condemning.
"Ibuprofen," I replied tersely, pissed off, unable to explain why or what for.
"Can you look at me?" she then demanded, holding me by the shoulder. But I closed my eyes, I didn't want to look at her, I didn't want to see anyone right now.
"Why don't you talk to me, what's going on?" she was more forceful as she searched my eyes with hers.
"It's nothing," I tried to shake her off but, oh wonder, she wouldn't give up.
"Jade!" she was almost shouting now, "What are you doing? Why are you closing up again?!"
I stopped, closed my eyes caught in surprise, and noticed how everything went quiet around us as most of them wanted to escape the scene. Only Leigh-Anne and Jesy remained and they approached us. All three. So no chance of escaping this now.
"Come on, let's sit down and just talk, okay?" she suggested, not really giving me a choice. She took my hand, pulled me to the couch, and sat me down on it before kneeling in front of me.
"Babe," she prompted me to speak, but I just played with my fingers on my lap, looking down at the floor and trying hard to keep the tears from falling.
"Jade...it's okay. You can talk to us," Leigh tried, sitting down next to me and putting a hand around my shoulder.
"I...I...", I began to stammer. "I'm just tired," I then admitted.
And what I saw in front of me confirmed why I didn't want to say anything. Perrie's alarm bells immediately rang.
"The last few weeks have been...hard," I tried to distract from the real problem. After all, we were all tired.
"It's perfectly normal for you to be tired, we all are," she said encouragingly. "We can finish early today and then attack tomorrow. After a good night's sleep, I'm sure it will be better," she tried to cheer me up, but unfortunately it only had the opposite effect.
"It won't," I muttered in frustration. The others looked at each other in amazement and Perrie was about to open her mouth when it burst out of me. "I suck."
"Hey, no, you don't suck, don't say shit like that," she said immediately, but I just shook my head.
"Please, Pez, don't do that. We all saw it...", I reminded us all painfully.
"You just need to get back into it, but that's not a problem. We have time," Leigh tried, but I hold onto my opinion.
"No, it's not gonna get better," I said. "My body just doesn't keep up anymore."
"You're just not in shape...I mean, you've been out of it for over a year and you've hardly moved at all. You're nowhere near the weight you were before you got sick...", Perrie reminded me. "You need to get your strength back, that's all."
"Pez, it's not because I'm out of shape, at least that's not the main problem," I was stubborn, because I actually knew better. I had one particular warning from Daniel all too well in my head because I remembered exactly how much it scared me.
"I feel every move, okay? Every move is... just weird, uncomfortable...I...I can't even describe it," I professed my frustration. "Daniel once said that some cancer meds have a bone-destroying effect or something. He warned me that it could lead to joint dysfunction. He spoke of restricted movement and...and pain."
"How long have you had this pain?" she inquired anxiously.
"Only since today, since we started dancing," I confessed.
"Why didn't you say something earlier?" she wanted to know.
"Because it was bugging me so much," I admitted. "It's like my body isn't even mine...I think the movement and usually my body just does the right thing on its own, but now...now it just goes on strike."
"You're the new me," she tried to joke.
"It's not funny, Perrie," I remained serious.
"I know, I'm sorry," she quickly realised. "I'm really sorry, babe. Maybe we need to reorient and include less choreography in the future," she suggested, but I shook my head vehemently, that was the last thing I wanted.
"No, absolutely not," I said quickly. "I always loved dancing. My body just automatically knew what to do. It was like the music vibrated through my whole body, it was even more natural to me than singing. The moment I can't do that, I don't want to be a musician anymore," I surprised myself with these honest words, and not only me.
"Okay," Perrie said thoughtfully and I wiped the tear from my cheek. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful...", I said then, feeling honest guilt. "...I know how lucky I am to even be standing here...but I sometimes just wish I had my old life back."
And this revelation shook the others too. They understood me, they talked me through it, they were there for me as they always were, but it didn't help much. The problem remained. My body just didn't want to move the way it used to. And I didn't know what to do.
Perrie still insisted that at the next check-up we would look for a possible tumour that could be responsible for the pain. After all we've been warned of this possibility. But this suspicion was not confirmed. Perrie rejoiced, she was beside herself, and I remained sitting silently with plunged lips, not reacting in any way. I had a thought that I was never allowed to say out loud, that I forbade myself to even think. But for a split second, I couldn't stop it. Because I almost wished Daniel had found something. If it had been a tumour that could have been removed, there would at least be the prospect of a final recovery. Now it was clear that the limited movement and pain in the bones from too much strain were after-effects of the cancer treatment. And as I have read, these after-effects usually follow you throughout your life. A prospect that didn't exactly make me jump for joy. It rather scared the hell out of me.
Motivated by this fear, I decided to fight against all the odds and, above all, to prove to myself that I could simply get my old life back somehow, provided certain adjustments could be made. We postponed the release of the Sweet Melody music video and consequently the Confetti video to next year, so that I would have more time to get my body in shape and learn the steps better.
Also, this new discovery of my limitations made us all realise that we would need as much time as possible for the tour preparations. So, solely because of me, the actual holiday break was cancelled so that we would be ready with everything in time for the tour start.
The girls agreed to this idea in a heartbeat, without batting an eye. But I felt terribly guilty and despite my attempts to impress upon them that it was not necessary, they insisted, once again, on adjusting everything to my needs. That alone was reason enough for me to push through. Even though my body was still aching most of the time, with ambition, motivation, dedication and lots of ibuprofen, I managed to prepare for the tour in the best possible way for my now new conditions.
And despite everything, I couldn't be more excited and euphoric. The stage is the place where I really come alive. If I can feel like the old me again somewhere, it will be there.
And here we are, on a plane, up in the air, on our way to New York, for the start of the big Little Mix Comeback Tour.
"What are you thinking about?", Perrie snaps me out of my thoughts. I turn to her, smiling all lovingly.
"The past," I say quietly. "And you?"
"The future," she confesses and I couldn't help but laugh. "Did you do more planning for the wedding again?"
"No, this time it wasn't about the wedding," she says with a wink.
"What was it about then?", I want to know.
"About after the wedding," and I don't quite know what she is getting at.
"Have you finally settled on our honeymoon?", I ask hopefully instead.
"No," she says with a laugh. "I've been thinking more about what else the future holds."
"Okay," I raise my eyebrow a little confused, already getting curious, about to ask what she is getting at, until I see what she's pulling out of her bag.
"No," I say immediately, without even letting her ask the question. She stares at me, suitably indignant.
"Come on, you love it."
"No, I loved it. Big difference," I correct her, turning my gaze back to the clouds out the window.
"You haven't tried it for so long though," she persists.
"For good reason," I persist stubbornly. "I tried and got so frustrated that I stopped trying."
"It just takes time, it will come back," she remains optimistic, but I cannot share this opinion, nor do I want to.
"Stop it please," I start to get angry. "You have no idea what it's like. Did you know that I used to be so good at it that my teachers thought I was like a maths genius?"
She eyes me incredulously.
"It's true. They forced me to take these stupid math tests and quickly found out that I could only do Sudoku and was shit at everything else," I continue. "But I used to be that good. Now I suck."
"You don't suck, you still manage to solve every single one," she contradicts me.
"Everyone can solve them", I say shaking my head in annoyance "but now it takes me at least ten times longer and my head is buzzing afterwards. It's not the same."
"But..." she doesn't give up and it's starting to make me angry. "No buts. Give it a rest, Pez. You heard what Daniel said. The treatment fucked up my brain. It's that simple."
"Don't say that. He said it just takes time."
"That, or it stays that way forever. Both ways are possible. Cognitive capacity limitations, does that ring a bell?", I get really annoyed now, but not at her, more at the situation itself.
"I was there...," she mumbles.
"Exactly, so I'm sure you remember what that includes. Concentration, memorisation, logical thinking...everything I was always good at, I'm shit at now and maybe even forever. And that frustrates me, so I don't feel like trying it," I clarify.
"Do you at least want to read a book? You love reading..." she keeps trying.
"Same problem," I say tersely. "I can't even read one single chapter without losing focus. Where's the fun in that?"
"So you're going to do what exactly for the next eight hours?" she then pauses sceptically.
"I'm going to listen to our epic album so I can drill the lyrics into my fucked up brain one more time to safe me from any embarrassments on stage. I will also get some much needed sleep and then there are other activities you can do on a plane," that seems to get her attention.
"What exactly are you getting at?"
"Oh, I don't know...remember that flight to Fiji?", I grin mischievously and I'm glad I'm able to change the subject so easily.
"Oh, I see, that's what you mean...well..."
"You're definitely not going to do that here," Jesy admonishes us from the side.
Eight hours, three times listening to the album and a few hours of sleep later, we landed in New York.
"Uh, we're here," Leigh-Anne squeals with joy and we all share the excitement. We couldn't wait to finally start this tour we had been planning for ages, to finally get back on stage and do what we love most.
"It's really starting," I mutter tensely, more to myself, but Perrie hears me.
"It's okay to be nervous," she reminds me, winking at my own words.
"I know," I say, suddenly small and shy at the same time.
But this uncertainty is forgotten as we get off the plane and leave the airport. Caps on our heads, sunglasses on our noses, hands clasped tightly, Perrie and I put one foot in front of the other, march through the door and are almost beaten to death by the flurry of flashbulbs. The paparazzi are everywhere, it's worse than it ever was before, our interest took on dimensions we never thought possible and still don't really realise. But the paparazzi are not what we are interested in. It's more the masses of fans who stand outside the doors just to welcome us, who stand here in their hundreds and are held back by the police, who shout our names louder than I have ever experienced before.
"What the fuck, what's going on?", I wonder, glancing nervously at Perrie, who is clearly not really feeling any better and squeezing my hand even tighter.
"I don't fucking know," she whispers, if possible even more tense than I am, and suddenly I'm more worried about her nerves than mine.
"Let's enjoy it, ladies," Leigh suggests from behind us and steps in front of us, making the first move, being the example we needed to snap us out of our shock stupor. As soon as we are with the fans, see their beaming faces, notice their cheers amplified, everything is forgotten and we just enjoy the moment.
For the first time in Little Mix history, we got three rooms. Jesy got her own, Leigh got her own and Perrie and I share one. I sometimes still think I'm dreaming after all the hiding we had to do so many years before. Just before our paths would theoretically part, however, I stop Perrie and one look was enough for her to understand what I was about to ask.
"Girls, do you want to have a sleepover? It's the only proper way for us to start a tour," she suggests and Leigh's eyes are already sparkling.
"I'm just going to my room to freshen up and change," she tells us. "And to facetime Andre," Jesy puts teasingly after, but Leigh was already up and out.
"You're behaving, aren't you?", Jesy raises an eyebrow sceptically.
"Yes, of course, Jes," I assure her, more or less annoyed.
"Good," she just says, "I'll see you in a minute then. I'm gonna have a quick shower."
When she's out of earshot, Perrie turns to me and eyes me sceptically. "Do you think she'll be like this the whole tour?"
"Let's hope not," I already suspect the worst. Jesy broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago, making her the only single one among us.
"I feel bad for her, it must be terribly annoying to only be around couples," Perrie thinks aloud.
"Yeah, I can imagine."
"Well... but I mean, she's gone now," she reminds me with a wink.
"How long do you think we have before they roll in?", I want to make sure.
"We've got rid of Leigh-Anne. She's busy for the next few hours. Jesy's a quick showerer so...ten minutes tops," and I grin mischievously at her.
"That's enough," we both say at the same time, sharing a glance before she grabs my hand and pulls me into the room. As soon as she slams the door behind us with her foot, I grab her by the shoulders and push her against the door. Without hesitation I press my lips to hers, kiss her with passion, full of devotion and lust, open my mouth and quickly feel her tongue in mine. I throw my bag into the corner and tear off her jacket without releasing my lips from hers. Instead, she breaks away from me to pull the hoodie over my head. I kiss her cheek, her neck, suck on her neck, sure I'm leaving a mark and wanting to linger right there at the door, when I hear her say softly, "I really need a shower, babe."
I grin into her neck and whisper, "Let's go shower then." And she didn't need to be asked a second time.
She pushes me into the bathroom as she presses her lips to mine this time and we don't even part to catch our breath. I kick the door shut, get rid of my clothes in no time, help her undress and push her into the shower where she turns on the hot, steaming water. I grin at her once more full of lust, admiring her perfect body, before attacking her one more time with my lips, when we both freeze in shock.
"Guys, I'm already here!" we hear an all too familiar voice.
"Did you lock the door?", Perrie asks me in a bit of a panic.
"Sure did, I've learned from our mistakes," I joke.
"Andre has training," Leigh explains through the locked door, making us both sigh, but no one moves.
"Jade," Perrie whispers admonishingly. "There's no way we can have hot shower sex when Leigh is right next door and the walls are clearly not soundproof."
"Urgh. Fair enough. She ruined the mood anyway," I groan in annoyance. "You go shower, I'll go out."
I reluctantly step out of the shower, put my clothes back on that are spread all over the bathroom, run my hands through my half wet hair and take another deep breath before leaving the bathroom.
"Hello Lee Lee," I greet her too effusively.
"Where's Perrie?" she asks without looking up from the phone she's already scrolling on while sitting one the bed.
"She's in the shower," I explain meekly and this probably catches her attention. She glances at me, unsuspecting at first until a look of horror becomes apparent on her face.
"Urgh, gross," she says shaking her head.
"Don't pretend you wouldn't have done exactly the same if Andre had answered," I catch her and she continues to shake her head but quickly relents.
"Just be glad I'm not Jesy."
"Can you believe it's really happening now?" Leigh gushes as we all take a seat on the bed. "It's incredible where we've ended up. 11 years together and we've grown so much."
"I need to hear it again, otherwise it seems too surreal," Jesy joins in.
"I think every moment of this tour will feel surreal," Perrie says with a laugh.
"Still, Jade please say it all again," Jesy pleads.
"Okay," I giggle and dig my notebook out of my backpack. Because even something as mundane as a tour itinerary is beyond my brain's ability to remember. To be fair, the schedule was also overlong and very few people can remember it, even those who don't seem to have any cognitive limitations.
"So," I start slowly with a proud grin. "We're off tomorrow, in style. Drum roll please," Perrie imitates a drum solo on her thighs.
"We're kicking off at a sold-out Maddison Square Garden for three nights in a row."
And as we should, we all cheer it on. This has always been our big dream, our life goal and it always seemed unattainable in the past, but now we're here for the third time and we're kicking off our biggest headlining tour to date and probably ever.
"We're here in the States for three and a half weeks, touring along the East Coast," I read out the plan. We said from the beginning, if the tour was ever going to happen, it had to start in America on the East Coast. Because those were the only dates we had to cancel altogether last time.
"Thanks to me, we then get three days home leave for a nice meeting with Daniel," I read on reluctantly and promptly earn a warning look from Perrie.
"Then a personal highlight, we're flying to Jamaica," Leigh in particular grins all over her face. "We even have a few days off there, then we do two shows and then fly on to Mexico. And then we tour South America for the next two and a half weeks with the grand finale in Rio de Janeiro," I read out and can't suppress a big grin. We've wanted to go to South America for so long.
"Then we fly from Rio de Janeiro to Phoenix and start our second part of the American leg. Along the west coast to Vancouver," already I notice how my head is having trouble processing all the information, but judging by the faces, I'm still alone there, so I ignore it.
"Um," I try to concentrate further. "After that, surprise surprise, back to London for another check-up with my doctor. And then comes the huge part," I flick on, thankfully remembering quickly. "Four and a half weeks on the other side of the world," I quip. "First New Zealand, then Australia along the coast. Then to Jakarta, to Singapore, finally to the Philippines, to Tokyo and Seoul. It's going to be fucking epic," I enthuse. "Then to India for the first time ever and then to Dubai."
"That will be...interesting," Jesy thinks aloud I for one have a lot of respect for the Dubai show, but the fans were beside themselves when we announced the dates and locations, so I know who we're doing this for.
"Back to London because of me and then the European leg starts," I read on and at the latest now our heads must be spinning.
"Four weeks through Europe, starting in Istanbul," I read slowly. "Athens, Rome, Milan, across Spain, then to Lisbon, Paris and then, um...", I notice how I lose focus again and have to try hard to keep concentrating. "Um, ah yes, then the Benelux."
"The what?", Jesy hooks in.
"Benelux? Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg," I explain as if it goes without saying and look into three questioning faces. It's mean, but I secretly grin to myself that despite all the limitations, I'm probably still the brains of the band.
"Then Germany, Switzerland, Austria and back to London for my doctor's appointment," I take a deep breath, rubbing my eyes briefly before continuing to read.
"Then two weeks through Scandinavia with the absolute highlight in Iceland. We'll have a few days off there."
"When are we there exactly?" Leigh asks curiously.
"Um...September," I say.
"Maybe we'll even see auroras then," she enthuses, her eyes shining, and I catch myself sharing an amorous glance with Perrie.
"After the hoped-for sighting of the auroras," I continue with a wink. "Off home we go. Six more weeks of the UK part of the tour and then we're done."
"My head is bursting," Jesy grumbles, and I've rarely sympathised with anything so much. "How long are we on the road again in total?"
"Jade, you're our mastermind, do the maths," Leigh prompts me, making me glance anxiously at Perrie. While the others must have noticed it themselves by now, I've never openly communicated that I have problems, cognitive impairment, lack of concentration and all that. It shouldn't be like that, but I'm actually a bit embarrassed. My mind has always been what has distinguished me. And without that, I feel so insecure, so much not like myself.
"Um...so that would have to be..." I try to polish my head on figuring it out because I've forgotten the number I've mentioned so many times before.
"Twenty-eight weeks," Perrie answers for me and I smile at her all grateful.
"Goodness me," Jesy groans. "That's more than half a year."
"You're just realising that now?", I ask with a laugh. "You should have been reminded of that after seeing Leigh's luggage at the latest."
"Hey, how else would you pack? We're on almost every continent, the weather's going to be crazy. I wanted to be prepared!" she justifies herself.
"We're pretty much home for a few days every few weeks, aren't we?", Perrie reminds her with a laugh, but Leigh stays true to her opinion.
"Anyway, the tour is going to be epic," I then gloat, to which everyone joins in cheering.
"I don't want to remind us beforehand, but the jet lag will be pretty epic too," Jesy then says. "And how much time off do we have afterwards? Two weeks?"
"One," I correct her and she groans loudly again. "After that we'll meet up with the two big collabs for next year."
We decided for this album, for the first time ever, not to include a single feature. The album should come from us alone after all this time of waiting. By us for us and for the fans. So that also means that next year will be the so-called year of collabs.
"But after that we have a holiday...don't we?", Jesy asks more cautiously this time.
"Yes, three weeks. Because then what's coming up...?" my eyes are already lighting up and Perrie is grinning all over her face.
"Probably the most important event of the year," she enthuses.
"Of history," I correct her.
"Oh, stop it," Leigh laughs. "That was already my wedding."
"I hate to break it to you, but it's about to be trumped," I tease her.
"Impossible," she remains stubborn, of course.
"Nothing can top a Christmas wedding. Sorry Lee Lee," Perrie stands by me and of course I share her opinion. We decided to have a Christmas wedding after a lot of back and forth. On the one hand, we really wanted to get married this year and the schedule didn't allow for anything else, on the other hand, we love Christmas and it has always connected us in a special way. We agreed on the date surprisingly quickly.
"Girls, I know I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but I honestly can't put into words how happy I am that we're here," Jesy says sincerely.
"This is going to be the greatest adventure ever," Leigh joins in.
"And we're doing all this after so many years together. Honestly, I couldn't be happier", Perrie is already fighting tears, which of course makes my eyes glaze over too. What's it going to be like tomorrow?
"I love you, girlies," I gush in a heavy voice. "This was my dream and....I can't believe it's happening."
"Aww, come here," Leigh initiates the first of what must be countless group hugs on this tour. And soon we fall asleep full of euphoria, anticipation but also tension and nervousness to start tomorrow into the biggest adventure of our career.
The wake-up call the next day is early. Normally nothing gets us out of bed that easily, but today it only takes one ring for everyone and we were all wide awake. Admittedly I don't think I slept that much. The excitement before the first show was just so big that my mind couldn't settle down. Accordingly, so was the mood in the morning and actually also the whole day. I was especially looking forward to taking everything with me on this world tour, to see and experience all the cities, places, countries and continents we visit. Only today I didn't want to start yet. Today I didn't go undercover on the streets of New York, but clung to Perrie's arm like a shy toddler, didn't leave her side and didn't say a single word. I can tell, though, that she was quite fine with it. She was just as tense as I was and with me beside her the whole time, at least she said, she felt a little calmer. Only she had a different strategy to deal with her nervousness. She talked non-stop. It was quite a good distribution, though. I was silent and she rambled on without expecting an answer.
That's how our day went. Sound check, hair, make-up, lunch, final fitting, ritual pre-show Red Bull, three panic poos and then it was actually time.
"I'm nervous," Jesy confesses to us as we stand all ready backstage, already in full gear. The two supporting bands have already played through their programs and now it's only a matter of time until we go on stage. The nerves are on edge.
"Oh my god, I'm about to lose it," Leigh also mumbles, fidgeting on the spot. It's easy for these two to talk. At least their last gig was only two years ago and they absolutely smashed it. Perrie and I haven't even seen the stage in almost three years.
"I'm sweating already, fuck me," Perrie talks more to herself, pacing nervously.
Meanwhile, I'm all introverted, standing rooted to the spot with my lollipop in hand, eyes wide open, trying not to panic and somehow get through these minutes of absolutely awful waiting. It's been longer for me. Longer than anyone else's. I deliberately don't count the gigs during the promo tours because they were mostly acoustic performances. It wasn't important that everything went perfectly. It was about spreading a good atmosphere to get people to buy and love the album. Today we're performing to a sold-out Maddison Square Garden. We're talking 20,000 people, 20,000 Little Mix fans. The last time I performed in front of a crowd half this big, or tried to, was in Nottingham. That was my last performance on the big stage before it all went downhill. My last performance and I couldn't even finish it. The last show before that with the normal set was at the festival in London on an even bigger stage. I couldn't finish that one either because my heart decided to stop beating in the middle of it. And the last real show before the cancer diagnosis became public, before everything was adjusted according to my needs, where everything was still normal as planned in the beginning, I couldn't finish either. I hurt my head so badly that I had to stop.
I think it's safe to say that I took a trauma with me from the last experiences and today I literally shit myself at the thought of going on stage. I also catch myself, even though it's been so long now, thinking about it all more and more, being reminded of it more often in my dreams, having more and more flashbacks of the devastating festival, the events of which I could barely remember to begin with.
And Perrie isn't doing much better after all the shit we've had to go through and experience together. On our last night in London, she let me know her fears and she made me make her a promise.
"If anything, anything at all, is going on with you, you let me know and you get off the stage," she urged me as I lay in her arms in our bed.
"I'm not sick anymore, babe," I reminded her smiling narrowly into her chest.
"I know, but still. I need to know you'll take care of yourself," she persisted.
"I will," I was sincere.
"Promise me, please," she became even more serious and so I did. I made her a solemn promise to always be honest and to leave the stage if the worst came to the worst. That was her condition, and I cared a lot about following it.
"Girlies, come here," Claude snapped me out of my thoughts. Like before every single show of our career, we form a huddle. Arm in arm with the dancers, we listen to Claude's pep talk, which fires us up, motivates us and pushes us to leave everything we have on that stage.
Normally I let Claude's words vibrate through my veins, let them reach me completely, let them carry me, but today I hardly notice them, today I hardly hear him. That's how anxious I am. I only notice how we all put our hands in the middle, shout the old familiar chant and how then the dancers are already dashing off, leaving us behind. The first two minutes belong to them. They go up through the floor lift first, accompanied by a fog show and intro music to push the audience to the max until we come on.
"Come here," Leigh prompts and on and as if on autopilot we all follow, lining up in a smaller huddle that quickly ends in a group hug. And then suddenly all pairs of eyes are on me and I realise this is supposed to be my moment. For what feels like the first time all day, I open my mouth.
"God, I'm honestly shitting myself," I then admit in all seriousness, but the others just laugh.
"I'm more excited but also nervous than I've ever been in my life, honestly. But I know I've got you guys and we're going to go out there and show the world who the fuck we are," and I hope, as long as I say it out loud, I take that courage onto the stage myself.
They join in cheering and then, all too quickly, the moment already ends and it's time. We position ourselves on the floor lift, but before we can be strapped in, Perrie leans towards me.
"I love you, babe," she whispers to me and I can't help but smile all over my face before pressing a kiss to her lips.
"Ready?" the guy backstage asks laughing and I merely nod, then feel the seatbelt around me and suddenly we are already going up and my breath gets stuck in my throat.
But as soon as we drive onto the stage amidst the loud cheers, accompanied by quite an epic opening music, in the rain of fireworks, I seem to go through a transformation. I stare into the arena with an ice-cold, concentrated gaze and suddenly feel nothing of the nervousness. Nothing at all. Instead, I am now full of ecstasy, full of drive, full of anticipation that it is finally going to start. Instead, I feel more powerful and strong than ever before. I thought it many times before, but here was the proof again. As soon as I'm on stage, I come alive, I become this other, better version of myself.
We ride the lift up to the stage to the intro, until it stops way up, above the actual stage. And there we stand for a whole minute. We stand there, staring straight ahead into the arena, at the 20,000 people who are all cheering, screaming and shouting our names at the same time. We use this moment to create tension, but also to let it all sink in. I have to pull myself together to keep the rigid facial expressions we have rehearsed and not to grin all over my face, because right now it is really becoming clear to me. I am here. I am on stage. I'm about to embark on our world tour with my girls by my side, and that even though I almost breathed my last breath two years ago. We made it. I made it.
I see in the corner of my eye Leigh taking another deep breath before she brings the microphone close to her mouth and sings the first note of the first night, of the first show. And there was no better song choice for that moment than Rise.
(Think about the melody of Katy Perrie's Rise).
"Saw my life falling apart."
She sings that first line with so much ease, with so much emotion, that the whole arena falls momentarily silent as we are slowly brought down on the lift.
"this won't stop this new start
Don't be so shook
you'll see I won't just survive
no, you will see me thrive
No matter how you shake my drive
my roots run deeper than you know"
Then it's Jesy's turn. With all the power and conviction she has, she puts the microphone to her lips and sings:
"Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I'm sick of feeling bad
I'll fight it, I'll beat it
once and for all"
We hit the floor, unbuckle, use the few second break to step forward and then it's time for my part. As soon as I put the microphone to my lips, I hear the arena erupt in ecstasy.
"When, when my heart feels like it stops again", after my first line, I can barely hear myself because the arena is just too loud.
"When my lungs give up on breathing", I feel every word, putting all my strength and power into these lines.
"I'm trembling!
I don't give up, I will still rise".
And then Perrie appears next to me, raises the microphone and sings in her inimitable voice:
"I don't plan to be the one of three
When they say the end is dawning, don't take it in
Better think twice, cause I will rise"
The audience goes wild and we catch ourselves exchanging proud smiles before putting on those rehearsed iron-faced expressions again. Jesy, meanwhile, takes on the second verse.
"Must stay conscious
I must fight the fatigue
I call my angels all desperate
And they say"
Leigh continues with the bridge.
"Oh, you seem to be out of luck
But I say, don't doubt me
Victory is in my veins
You know it, you know it
I won't give up so easily
I'll fight it, I'll beat it
And then I'll be back again"
And then Perrie's powerful voice resounds in the arena:
"When, when my heart feels like it stops again
When my lungs give up on breathing
I'm trembling
I don't give up, I will still rise"
"I don't plan to be the one of three", I sing the one line that is far too close to my heart.
"When they say the end is dawning, don't take it in", my mantra over the last few years.
"Better think twice, cause I will rise", I intend to do, with everything I have to offer.
Perrie stands next to me, looks at me with conviction and the finale of the song begins.
I sing, "Don't doubt it, don't doubt" as she belts out, "Oh, oh, oh".
"You know it, you know it," I continue to sing before the highest note of the song from Perrie follows: "Still rise".
And then we all line up, standing together and sing the last line in sync, "Don't be surprised, I will still rise."
And with another burst of fireworks, the last note of the melody rings out and the first song, the opening of the big tour, is behind us and we all exchange proud, euphoric smiles.
"New York," Perrie shouts into the microphone, earning such loud cheers from the fans that I can barely hear her, "Welcome to the ALIVE Tour!"
And exactly at that moment it becomes surreal. So surreal that my brain stops for a moment and I don't really hear Perrie's speech to the audience. I can't believe that I'm standing here on this stage, that all this is really happening. At this moment I couldn't be happier to be alive.
We continued with Cut you off and an exhausting dance break. Then we got to Gloves up, my first high note of the night.
Jesy then took the floor.
"New York!" she shouts loudly into the microphone. "Can you believe it's been three years since we've been on stage together?! This tour is going to be a very special one and we are over the moon to be kicking it off here at Maddison Sqaure Garden. So give it your all today, New York, so we can all have the best night of our lives!"
The first set ended with Sweet Melody and just like the video, this performance consisted entirely of dancing.
As we ride the floor lift back down and run to the first outfit change, my legs are already hurting, but it's all worth it. That feeling of pure happiness, of that bliss, it outshines everything. The adrenaline and the joy of what we're doing here keeps me on my feet, doesn't really let them feel anything at all.
We shed the black uniforms in favour of colourful, resounding outfits that would set the vibe for the next set.
Perrie's inimitably powerful voice resounds through the arena on the first verse of Power and it has the same effect on me as it always has. Grinning to myself in awe, I listen to the other two before my part comes on and again I can barely hear myself because the chrowd is just too loud.
Then during the chorus, the first mistake of the night almost happens to me. For a moment I'm so focused on the performance and my parts that I don't notice where I'm going and almost walk straight into a firework if Claude hadn't pulled me aside at the last moment, shrugged it off as if nothing had happened and brought me back to my actual position. Fortunately, no one else noticed.
The personal highlight follows afterwards. A new rock version of Woman like me, in which came my vocal highlight of the whole night, the highest note I have ever sung live.
Then we perform three new songs with no major dance breaks, but constant dance interludes during, which didn't make it any less exhausting.
The first real mistake I make is during No. I love this song and I love my part even more. I love that no one can really tell what I'm singing because I sing the words too fast. But of course that requires a certain amount of concentration and as you know, that causes me difficulties from time to time. Today was no exception. Distracted by the whole situation itself, by the raised phones and the cameras in my face, by the light show in the arena, by the fans in front of me, the fireworks next to me. It all leads to me singing wrong words. No one really gets it because hardly anyone understands the words properly in the first place. But I know it and that is enough. After the verse, I bite my lip, take a deep breath, shake my head briefly and quickly regain my focus.
Happiness and the finale of the set Break Up Song work flawlessly again and afterwards the vibes were so positive, happy and hyped that we all came down in the lift with big grins after the second set and I had already forgotten my faux pas.
Outfit change number two was on the cards. Out of the colourful, mood-lifting outfits, into tight, sexy ones for the next set.
Sitting on thrones with crowns in our hair, we headed out, gazing proudly into the arena before Leigh-Anne sings the first verse of Love Sweet Love. My part in particular was tremendous fun to write and led to laughter and insiders mostly between Perrie and I and here live on stage it's no different.
I had firmly resolved beforehand not to look at her and so I deliberately turn my head the other way.
But when I do the pre-arranged dance move during "...so close, stimulation, yeah...", Perrie has to laugh out loud and accordingly I don't manage to stay serious until the end of the verse.
With Love sweet love we just leave everything on stage, have a good time, make jokes, laugh and dance as we feel like it. This is followed by Reggaeton Lento with a new, hard dance break that demands a lot from me. But I manage to pull it off without any mistakes or wobbles or blunders, and I would say that my effort was worth it. My moves felt almost like they used to.
Afterwards we sing my personal favourite song, which I vehemently insisted on when we made the setlist.
The lights on stage dim and for a few seconds there is a heated, tense silence in the arena until the music kicks in with my first verse.
"Stick like toffee, sip like coffee
Wake up, change your mind and drop me
Love to hate me, crazy, shady
Spit me out like hot wasabi"
And if I thought the chrowd had been loud before, I was proved better.
With Jesy's last part and a free, loose dance from all of us we end this third set and are already at the next outfit change. Knowing full well that this one will take a little longer, the dancers use this time for their own interlude.
"Ready to cry?" Perrie asks laughing as we take off our tight costumes. And that alone makes me remember again what a set is about to be.
"Do me a favour and bring me a Red Bull right now, please," I whisper to Zach, who in turn orders it to the next guy backstage.
"Why do you need a Red Bull?" Perrie asks confused and on closer inspection I almost think she's actually worried.
"Because I need focus, I can't mess up the next set," I whisper so only she hears.
"It's all gone perfectly so far, hasn't it?" she asks in wonder and I leave her with her illusion.
For my part, I know better and don't want to leave anything to chance after the first two major mistakes.
"Thanks," I say to Zach as I drink the Red Bull out of his hand, momentarily annoyed at the straw apparently meant to save my lipstick and trying to drink as much as I can in this short time.
Just in time we make it back onto the floor lift, dressed in the most beautiful dresses I've ever seen, and are whisked upstairs. It's the most beautiful part of any show. We don't stay on the normal stage, we go higher and then float through the arena. Spotlights shine everywhere in the Pride colours. I smile full of love at Perrie, just can't help it, but that's the way it's meant to be, after all we've both been positioned next to each other in the middle.
"I would like to take the opportunity to thank you all from the bottom of our hearts," I say now, already with a heavy voice and the chrowd starts to cheer. "We really do have by far the best fandom...we could ever have wished for," and already here my voice breaks.
"Jade, please not already," Perrie admonishes me with a laugh and grabs my hand, causing plenty of aws in the audience and giving me the strength I need. I smile at her in love and thanks, not letting go of her hand and turning my gaze back to the arena.
"Sorry," I giggle into the microphone. "Also I'd like to make a special shoutout to our LGBTQ+ fans!", renewed ecstasy from the audience and I have to look deeply touched at Perrie again. And when she gives me a kiss on the cheek, everyone completely freaks out.
"We really hope that over the years we have given you a safe place and...and," again I have to interrupt to stop the tears from falling. "And I hope you know...that...that you've given us one as well and you taught us to be who we truly are," I share a look with Perrie before adding, with a big lump in my throat, "We love you guys."
And I don't know how, but I survive my part so I can listen in awe to the others, watch rainbow coloured confetti rain down as Leigh-Anne sings her high notes and the grand finale as Perrie holds her last note longer than ever before so we're already beginning to bow.
"Why can't we be like that," she sings, turning her face to me, smiling at me, deeply touched.
"Wish we could be like...", and suddenly she approaches me, is only a few millimetres away from my lips, only the microphone separates us as she warbles the final note. "...That," and she finishes the song with her lips on mine, causing a chorus of Jerrie chants.
"Oh my god, you're too cute, stop it," Leigh-Anne says laughing in our direction. "Wow, it's always so nice to be up here and to see your beautiful faces. You look absolutely phenomenal, every single one of you!", rightly earning loud cheers before she continues, "You know, there was one song that you guys never stopped going on about. For seven years you begged us to sing it every chance you got. Do you know which one it could be?"
The fans shout all sorts of song titles, one more absurd than the other. When I hear one in particular, I can't help commenting.
"Cannonball?" Leigh asks with equal disbelief.
"Listen, Hun, nobody wants that."
It gets better when someone throws another title in there and normally I'm the one who stops that immediately, but this time Perrie is quicker, "Oops can get in the bin, honestly."
And I can't help laughing.
We sing Love me or leave me for the first time ever and actually we didn't need to sing anything. The chrowd was so loud that they basically took over. We still give it our all of course, so my throat almost hurts at the end because the song is just so hard to sing.
"God, how do we get through the next 28 weeks, my throat hurts already," Leigh-Anne speaks from my soul. But then, abruptly, the mood turns serious. The laughter is gone and the lump in my throat grows as I realise what song we are now facing.
I take a deep breath, concentrate on not bursting into tears as soon as I sing the first word, when suddenly I feel three eyes on me.
"Oh, is it my turn to speak?" it occurs to me then, before I shake my head with a smile and then have to brace myself even more quickly.
"Okay...", I say slowly, trying to sort out my thoughts. "This next song is...is very...emotional for us," I'm already stuttering.
"I wrote it at a very very dark moment in my life and...and well...actually...in a way...it's for Perrie," as expected a loud chorus of aws resounds throughout the arena and I make the mistake of glancing once at Perrie, whose eyes have long since glazed over and that's enough for me. Seeking help, I look to Jesy, who quickly understands that we are both unable to speak.
"We haven't been able not to cry once while even listening to it so no idea how we are supposed to survive singing it live. You have to help us out. You think you can do that?", the reaction of the audience is enough to give us the courage that we don't have to go through it alone.
(Think off Adele's love in the dark)
Leigh-Anne kicks things off:
"Close your eyes, don't try to hide all those tears for me
I know your sad, this kills you just like this is killing me
But when it will be over then I need you to stay strong
Even if you won't have the strength to simply carry on"
Jesy takes over the bridge, while Perrie and I both look deeply touched to the floor, so as not to fall into tears already.
"Please, stay safe and sound
Don't forget to stick around
Don't follow me to the grave
I want you to be okay"
And then it's Perrie's turn and at the first note I can already hear that it's going to be a fight.
"I will love you in the dark", she lowers the mic a bit for dramatic effect and to ram through, then continues to belt out, "Even if we're gonna be apart."
She clutches the microphone tighter, trying to stay strong: "There will always be this between us, even if life got us defeated", but after this line she is overcome by tears. She holds the microphone forward, looks at me shaking her head and wipes her cheek as the chrowd does its job well:
"But I know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
You'll be okay," the fans sing as loud as they can.
I would like to take Perrie's hand or comfort her, but I can't do that myself right now, because my own part promptly follows.
Eyes closed, determined to get through and with both hands firmly on the microphone, I sing:
"Show me your face, your smile, your eyes, let me observe it all", the first line is done, but I don't open my eyes yet.
"I want you to be my last sight, before I leave the world", I dare to look up, take another deep breath to keep my composure.
"I need to hear your laugh once more, even if we fight," I can't help but think of that awful fight Perrie and I had a long time ago that led to this song in the first place. And out of reflex I look to her, which I promptly regret. My voice leaves me.
"Cause soon our time is up and I will have to say Goodbye," I barely manage in a broken voice before Jesy saves us with her composure.
"Please, don't fall apart
I can't take your breaking heart
I need you to be brave
I need you to be okay"
I look again at Perrie and she at me, our eyes meet and the tears run at the same time so we both also reach out at the same moment and take each other's hands in search of help while Jesy and Leigh-Anne, also with much weaker voices than usual, sing the chorus.
And then comes the bittersweet moment. The worst, but also the most beautiful and certainly the most emotional one of the night. Perrie and my duet.
"I'm sorry I have to go, to just leave you behind
Even if it feels so hard now, promise that you'll try", I sing, looking deep into her eyes, putting all my feelings, all my emotions into these lines.
"To stay who you are, to not forget to breathe," Perrie continues to sing, because it also just fits our situation way too well, before we sing the next line together: "Cause I want you to live and not just survive!"
A beautiful musical part follows, in which the meoldie of a violin makes us float and Perrie uses the favour of the hour to hug me from the side and give me a kiss on the cheek. I desperately needed that. Some courage for my next line:
"I will love you in the dark, even if we're gonna be apart," I now take on the chorus.
"There will always be this between us", Leigh-Anne continues to sing and a glance at her tells me that she is also crying by now.
"Even if life got us defeated," Jesy gets emotional too.
"But I know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh....", Perrie can't even manage to say her last line.
And then I try to get the last line out somehow in a broken voice:
"And I'm so-oh-oh-oh-sorry that I have to leave you."
And with that last note, we take the lift back down and leave the stage.
"Oh God, that was awful," Leigh-Anne speaks from the heart of all of us as soon as we're standing in the backstage area at the next outfit change. Zach and Jaime have to wait a moment, though, because we're so emotionally distraught that we have to have a group hug first, so that we can be useful for anything again.
"And now we have to go through that only 131 more times...and that's just including this tour," Jesy reminds us. Because yesterday we realised we're going to do 132 shows in total over the next 28 weeks...and that's not even counting the matinee shows.
"God, Jade, what have you done to us," I hear Jesy say.
"I'm sorry," I say laughing, still wiping away any remaining tears.
"Hey, that's the most beautiful song ever written," Perrie defends me.
"I know," Jesy quickly justifies herself. "I love it too. It's just a bitch to sing."
And no one can really disagree with her on that.
After a little ribbing from Paul, we hurry up with the next outfit change before we're ready for the throwback party of the show. Even with the outftis we tried to unite all the previous tours somehow.
We start with an all-time classic that everyone always loves, especially ourselves. With Wings.
Then, to Jesy's great delight, Black Magic follows, but with a new dance break that includes a chair dance, which made her a bit more conciliatory. I managed to make two mistakes, but I think I was able to cover it up well enough that no one noticed.
Then we also sing a favourite of mine, no more sad songs, and that's when the first huge mistake happens, which I can't hide from anyone. Which annoys me. Which shocks me beyond belief.
I sing: "For tonight, I'm...", but suddenly I stop, because at that moment I have seriously forgotten the lyrics. For the first time in my life. And as hard as I try, I can't for the life of me remember it right now. So I let the audience sing and they totally smash it, but it makes me think, it makes me indescribably nervous, so I look anxiously at Perrie. She smiles at me encouragingly but it doesn't reach her eyes, which tells me enough. It scares her too.
There is one song left in this set, so I have to pull myself together.
For shoutout to my ex, though, I don't have to worry at all. We sing our parts as we are used to, but something magical happens on the first chorus. The chrowd sings along so loudly word for word that we are quieter with the microphone. They know every word.
When a sold-out Maddison Square Garden on the opening night of your world tour, the first tour in three years I might add, when 20,000 people sing along to your most successful song with fervour and passion at full volume, you know you've made it. We really did it.
So we spend the rest of the song gazing in wonder at the audience and letting them sing, because it's just way too beautiful.
And then it's on to the final outfit change and my next attempt at not losing focus.
"Zach, you know the drill. Red Bull, please," I whisper to him, hoping not to be heard by anyone else. He grins proudly at me and hands me the already prepared can. I exe it quickly and thought I was going to be left unscathed when I turn around and see Perrie shaking her head.
"We literally have four songs left, you could have done that without," she grumbles.
"I just forgot the words to a song I've sung a thousand times. Let me be, okay?", I justify myself, quickly put on shoes to match the outfit and get back on the old familiar floor lift.
We ring in the last set of the evening with an epic mashup of Salute and Industry. This is followed by Leigh's personal highlight, Touch. But not with any conventional choreography, but with the original choreo from the music video that fans have been gagging for for years. Today we give them what they want. On this tour we deliver it all.
After Touch, I'm actually already physically exhausted, I notice how my legs are getting heavier, how I'm getting stiffer. But we haven't reached the end yet.
Confetti would be a worthy finale, with confetti rain all over the arena, if it wasn't for one particular song we didn't sing today. A song that happened to climb to the top of the charts right after its release. A song that sums up everything we've experienced in the last three years. Our first single of the new era.
"Guys, you were just unbelievable. That show was so bloody epic, I really can't believe it," Jesy says into the microphone, all out of breath.
"We just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support over these last eleven years. You guys are the greatest fans anyone could ever ask for and you show us that every day. We see you, we hear you and we love you," Perrie says, deeply touched.
"And now the moment has already come. The last song of the night. You've been an incredible audience and we can't wait to play here again the next two nights," Leigh enthuses.
"I have a little special shoutout before we get to this last song," I speak up and feel three questioning looks on me.
"On this day, exactly two years ago, I received my stem cell transplant," and that info is enough to send the arena into renewed ecstasy and I can't help but laugh at the reactions. Judging by the looks on their faces, Leigh and Jesy didn't know about this special anniversary either. Only Perrie smiles broadly at me with pride.
"Two years without this goddamn cancer, baby," I cheer on myself now. "All of this, this tour, being here with you guys, this was our dream for so long and also what kept me going in a way. And what I want to say is...", here come the tears again. "No matter what low point you're at in your life....no matter if you're down and how impossible everything seems... Don't give up."
And accompanied by the applause of the 20,000 fans here in the arena, I sing the first verse: (Think of Andy Grammer's Don't give up on me).
"I said I try
Try my best for you.
At the time it was all
I could really do
You know I want
Just to stay with you
To turn the obstacles
Let's cut them loose"
Then Leigh-Anne takes over:
"I fight my way back out the darkness
Wait for my body to accept
And I promise you
I'll come back to you"
And with this song there is no choreography, there are no instructions, no division. On the chorus, accompanied by more confetti rain and fireworks, we all sing together as we just jump and dance as we please:
"'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up, no, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
I won't give up, no
I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up, no, not me
Even when it's hurting to believe
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me"
Perrie sings the next part:
"And I will hold
I'll hold onto life I swear
No matter what there is to come
I won't leave now"
It's Jesy's turn to sing the bridge:
"I fight my way back out the darkness
Wait for my body to accept
And I promise you
I'll come back to you"
And for the grand finale, the last chorus, we do what the song really is, a huge party, a celebration of being alive:
"'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up, no, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
I won't give up, no
I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up, no, not me
Even when it's hurting to believe
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
So don't give up on me"
And with that we say goodbye to the audience and the arena, at least for tonight, and the first thing we do backstage is fall into each other's arms. Sweaty, out of breath, already feeling the evening, we just lie there in each other's arms and forget everything else around us.
"We bloody did it," Leigh is quick to gloat.
"We fucking smashed that. That was the best tour start ever," Jesy joins in the cheers.
"This is going to be the best 28 weeks of our lives, I can't believe it," Perrie enthuses.
And I, deeply touched by just everything, only manage to say, "I love you guys," and that's enough to hug us even tighter.
And I couldn't be happier. After the first show. 131 more shows to go. At the beginning of the biggest tour we've ever had. The opening show in front of a sold out Maddison Square Garden that screamed along to all our songs. My dream coming alive. The dream that drove me forward in the darkest hours of my life, that wouldn't let me give up. To be cancer free and on the way of being cured. Surrounded by my Little Mix family, my best friends at that for the next six months. With my best friends in the world, my sisters by my side. With the love of my life, my fiancée who I will marry this year, my Perrie, beside me. Yes, I'll say it again. I have never been happier and I could never be happier. It's perfect. My life is finally perfect.
All is good...for now.