A/N: *Hides behind hands*
It'd been a few days since I left Logan in his room. I knew I should have gone back the next day, but I just couldn't bring myself to face him. I hated myself for being such a coward. I wish I could just lock all my emotions up and be there for him, but that was a lot easier said than done. I was too afraid that I'd break down on him, and put even more shit on his plate than he really needed.
So I'd been hiding at Nate's for the past three days. Logan hadn't called, probably knew that I needed some space, and didn't wanna make me feel like I was being pushed into this whole situation. That was just the way Logan was; always caring about everyone else, and not his own needs. Even though his needs were far more important than mine.
Nate hasn't really been around all that much, since he obviously has to work. The only times he's really been around was early in the mornings and, mostly, late at night. I didn't even know what he did for a job - something business-y, maybe. Like a lawyer. He did look a bit like a lawyer.
At that moment, the hotel door opened and in he strolled. He always had this elegant look about him, whenever he walked in from work. All dressed up in his suit and tie. Admittedly, it did feel a bit weird, almost like I was living here for real these past few days. Especially when Nate made dinner, or offered to take me out to eat.
But more than anything, it made me feel guilty. I wanted to be doing this with Logan. I should have been doing this with Logan. I was feeling guilty for that, and also for pretty much using Nate. I don't know if he knew I didn't have the same feelings towards him that I have for Logan, but all the same, I was still using the guy.
Nate gave me a charming smile as he slid his jacket from his shoulders, and folded it over one of the kitchen table's chairs.
"You hungry?" He asked, making his way over to the fridge. It was already nearing about half six in the evening, and I hadn't really eaten anything all day. I wasn't particularly hungry, really. So I shook my head, and Nate proceeded in only making himself a quick sandwich.
He sat down beside me and switched the TV on, that was mounted on the wall in front of the sofa. I propped my feet up on the table and lounged back, but I wasn't able to concentrate on the programme. I sort of tuned out into my thoughts, and the TV became a fuzzy background noise.
I don't know how long I'd been sat there, chewing on the inside of my lips and panicking about the fact that I hadn't gone back to Logan's, before my phone started buzzing inside my pocket, pulling me out of my daze.
I tried to remember if the number seemed familiar to me, but it didn't. I answered it anyway, soon after realising that I probably shouldn't have, since it might've been someone wanting a quick shag, and I wasn't exactly in the mood to work.
"Ash, yeah?" The caller said. His voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't put a face to it, or a name. It sounded quite serious, a sort of panicked edge to the voice. I muttered a yes and waited for him to continue. "It's Logan."
I removed my feet from the table and planted them on the floor, as I leaned forward. I waited for him to continue, but when he didn't, I said, "What about Logan? What's happened?" I'd completely tossed aside trying to figure out who the guy was on the other end. That didn't matter anymore.
"He's at St. John's hospital. All I know is that he's in the ICU." My heartbeat started picking up in pace, thudding against my chest. I didn't know what to say as a reply, my brain couldn't get past the thought of getting to the hospital. I hung up, shoving the phone in my pocket and running towards the door to put my shoes on.
"Ash? Who was on the phone...?" Nate asked me, a crease in his brow as he joined me by the door. I looked up at him just as I'd finished shoving my second trainer on.
"I need to get to St. John's hospital, now." I said, already heading for the door. Nate grabbed my arm to stop me. I fought against it, thinking that he was going to try and hold me back. He couldn't stop me. I needed to be there. Logan was in trouble. Logan could be dying.
"Nate. Nate, let go, please." I panicked, pushing against his chest.
"Ash, just calm down! I'll take you there. It'll be a hell of a lot quicker than calling a taxi. Okay?" I relaxed for a moment at his words, nodding my head frantically, my eyes glued on his hand that was slowly releasing my arm. I waited as Nate grabbed his keys and we both headed down to the private car park.
I didn't take much notice of his car, except for the fact that it was black, before hopping into the passenger side. It felt like it took forever for Nate to drive out and onto the main road. The whole car ride, my leg was jumping up and down out of nerves. I couldn't take how long it seemed to be from the hotel, to the hospital. It was like time was stretching itself out just to torture me.
Nate didn't say anything, didn't even spare a glance as he kept his eyes trained on the road. It was like he was determined to get there as fast as he possibly he could. Like he knew how important Logan was to me. I couldn't even describe how important he was, but somehow it seemed Nate knew, anyway.
The street lights reflected against the car window, merging into an orange blur as we sped past them. I didn't take in much of the scenery, I was too busy watching my own reflection. On the outside I looked reasonably calm. My brows were furrowed together and I did hold a small expression of worry, but that was nothing compared to what was going on inside my mind.
I rested my elbow on the edge of the window, burying my hand in my hair and putting the weight of my head on it. I wanted to close my eyes, but I knew that all I'd see is a world without Logan. I thought we'd have longer. I never thought that one moment everything could be okay, and the next a complete disaster.
I had everything. Logan was my everything, and now it was like it was just being snatched away. But then again, it wasn't like my grip was all that tight, was it? I should have been at Logan's side, but I wasn't. I was lounging around at Nate's, hiding from the problem.
"How long?" I asked Nate, looking towards him with impatience.
"Almost there, about five minutes." He replied, still not taking his eyes off the road. I nodded my head slowly and started counting down the seconds in my head. It was too long, though. Too fucking long. Five whole goddamn minutes. Counting sixty seconds out in my head for five times. Too fucking long.
But I didn't even reach the fifth time, as we arrived at the hospital car park. I told Nate to just stop and let me out, leaving him to park the car on his own. I wasn't about to spend even more time in the stupid vehicle, when I could be making my way towards Logan.
I didn't wanna let myself think about why he was in this place, avoiding the obvious. So I kept myself focused on the things around me. The smell of the place was causing my stomach to twist with nausea.
Everything was becoming more real to me. I was inside a hospital. This was really happening. What if this was it? What if it was all over tonight? I hated the thought. I wanted to escape it, but the possibility was staring me straight in the face.
My eyes searched for the sign that read 'Reception', running towards it when I'd spotted it's position. There was a petite girl, who barely looked far into her twenties, sitting at the desk. She had her blonde locks all pulled up tightly into a bun, atop of her head. Greeting me with a warm smile.
I took a deep breath to compose myself, but it only made me feel dizzy.
"ICU?" Was all that I was able to stutter out, from the question I had formed in my head. Thankfully, the nurse understood that it was a question for directions and nodded her head, pointing to the right.
"Just follow the signs, and you should come to a locked door. Just press the button by the intercom, and they'll let you in." She replied, her smile now expressing sympathy. I nodded my head and began fast-walking down the halls, scanning the signs and following the directions.
Eventually I found myself at the door and pressed the button, telling them I was a close friend. They let me in and directed me down to a corridor with a few chairs aligning the walls. I felt a bit lost, but grew relieved as I saw someone I recognised. The same raven-black hair that belonged to Logan.
She had her hands pressed together by her mouth, in hope that the doctor was going to give her some good news. Her husband, I presumed, was by her side, his arm around her shoulder for comfort. I listened as the doctor started speaking, straining to hear what he was saying.
I managed to catch a few words, as I took a few more steps forward. "He's in a coma. There isn't much we can do but make him comfortable." But after those words were said, I stumbled back again, not wanting to hear anything more.
As the doctor finished talking, his mother sat down in the nearest chair, crying into her hands. Her husband sat beside her, and pulled her against him, rubbing his hand up and down her shoulder.
I lost my vision momentarily as my whole body felt weak and unstable, and I slid down the nearest wall, bringing my knees close to my chest. My eyes were burning with hot tears, searing down my cheeks and collecting on my bottom lip. I could taste the saltiness as it seeped into my mouth.
I tried to force some hope into my thoughts. People woke up from comas. This couldn't be it. They couldn't just give up on him. There had to be something they could do to wake him up. There had to be something. I couldn't lose him tonight.
Only a few days ago I found out he had cancer, and now he's in a fucking coma. Everything seemed to happen so quickly, that I felt like I was slipping through my life without a steady hold on anything. Anything could be over with just a click of the finger.
I took the time I had with Logan for granted. I wasted it by spending my days laying on Nate's couch, and now I couldn't even hear his voice for a last time. I couldn't see his eyes open early in a morning, when he'd just woken up. A lazy curve to his dark-browns that made him look young and innocent.
I couldn't hear him say those three words.
I didn't even have it in me to be angry at myself. I didn't have it in me to react how I usually reacted when I was hurt. All I had the energy for, was to just sit here. To just be.
"How is he?" I heard Nate's voice by my right ear. It caused my body to jolt in surprise. I didn't notice before now, but he'd sat down beside me. I don't know how long I'd been sat here, but when I looked over to see if Logan's parents were still there, they were gone.
I shrugged. "He's in a coma."
Nate nodded his head. "I'm really sorry," he paused for a small moment. "There isn't really much you can do, Ash, and I can't stick around. They only let me in to come and get you."
"I'm not leaving," I muttered, wiping a tear from my left cheek.
"Visiting hours will be over soon-"
"I said, I'm not leaving." I interrupted, hugging my knees closer. "I'll be fine here. You can go, I'll be okay." I looked up at him then, softening my features so that it didn't look like I was angry with him. "Thank you for driving me."
He nodded his head and dropped his gaze. "No problem." He shifted onto his knees, hesitance in his eyes. "Call me if you want picking up, alright?" he said, before fully standing up.
I didn't reply, because I knew I wouldn't be getting picked up. At least, not tonight. I was gonna hang about until morning, hoping that I could see Logan then. I knew he was in a coma, but I still wanted to be by his side, like I should have been for the past three days.
When I looked up, thinking I'd find Nate staring down at me, he'd already disappeared, leaving me sat in my own silence.
I stayed where I was for about half an hour, before one of the nurses told me that if I was staying, I'd have to wait outside the unit, in a different waiting room. I did as I was told. It was quite a large room, with chairs neatly placed in rows. There was only about two or three other people in the room. It was silent except for the small murmur of a radio, in the distance.
I took a seat by the window, looking at myself in the reflection. Again, I didn't really look as panicked as I was on the inside. It made me wonder how many times Logan had really been worried, or when he came across as okay, but he really wasn't. It made me wonder how blind I'd actually been.