In the aftermath of an intense, life-or-death situation, once everything is over, there is a surreal calm that surrounds you, making you question if you had, in fact, lived through something that extreme where your life hung in the balance. This calm blankets you, maybe to temporarily soften the sharp edges of the experience, giving you some space to catch your breath before you have to face what happened and start processing the event.
It was the morning after we'd killed the magicks, and I was walking toward the lake as the sun rose, reflecting orange and pink on the water. From here, I could see my Howl sitting on the shore, her knees pulled up, arms wrapped around her legs, her head resting on her knees. I hated seeing her in that position, hated that it reminded me of the position she'd been in after I'd Taken her Blood.
She was clearly in the processing stage after yesterday, but I resisted reaching out through our bond. Not invading her thoughts at the moment so she could have some privacy, some time to herself, seemed like the least I could do for her.
My little Howl had been to hell and back since her birthday, and yesterday alone was mind fuck enough, never mind everything else she'd endured.
Yesterday had been too close, way too close in timing, in the plan just not working.
Néron and my Neera -- and Aymeric, despite being unconscious -- had shifted immediately at my Alpha Decree. Ifrita and Raevyn, realizing that I'd commanded all wolves in the room in such a way that they had no choice but to obey, had tried to prevent the wolves inside their bodies from coming forward.
As Neera Took my Blood, I watched as the magicks fought the wolves and realized this could easily go the other way, in a direction that was decidedly not in our favor.
Neera and I formed our Bonded Wolf and we waited beside Néron's wolf, vibrating with tension and energy, then we barked another Alpha Decree, hoping that might shift the balance of power, hoping the two wolves would come forward even if just for a second. That was all the time we needed -- and all the time we might have before Ifrita and Raevyn were able to surge forward and suppress them again.
Not knowing how long the magicks would stay down if the wolves won, we had to be ready to move instantly.
And we did, the very second the wolves shifted forward -- and bared their necks to us -- we fucking moved, killing them in less than three seconds after they shifted.
We'd finished the war, and had the bodies and throats at our feet to prove it. As soon as we had spit out the grisly mess in our mouths, we shifted back, and I grabbed Neera as she stumbled.
My Howl was a mess, bleeding and bruised, clearly having been beaten by the magicks before I'd arrived. I would have given anything to keep those magicks alive and torture them for months just for what they'd done to my Howl alone. But knowing what those bitches had done to my parents? I only wished I could have prolonged their deaths, visiting on them what they had done to my mother and father...but much more slowly and painfully, drawing it out until they were begging for death, and even then, I'd keep the torture going until all that was left to torture was just a puddle of blood.
"I'm OK. I'm OK," Neera kept repeating as we joined Néron, who was now crouched by Aymeric. My call to shift had been strong enough to call his wolf forward, but he'd become entangled in the chains. Néron and I quickly dealt with those, looking for the wound that had caused all the blood. There were two deep slices on each side of his neck that, though serious, had fortunately missed his arteries.
I'd called on my phone for the pack doctors, who swiftly came and stitched him up, just as he was gaining consciousness.
"I'm sorry, Alpha," he'd said the minute his eyes fluttered open. He was apologizing for not guarding my Howl, for letting her get hurt.
"We'll all do better in the future with her," I'd said, feeling ashamed. Just like my father, I'd allowed my Howl to be put in danger and hurt.
"I know you're there, watching me," Neera said quietly from the shore, drawing my attention and thoughts to the present, to her.
"I am, little Howl. I want to be near you, but I wasn't going to interrupt."
She shrugged. "You can come sit."
I sat as close as I could to her, both my wolf and I needing her near us. For a while we just sat without words, Neera watching the water and me watching Neera.
"I hate that they had to be sacrificed," she whispered after a while.
I shook my head at her words. "They offered themselves as sacrifices, Neera. There's a big difference. You've never been in a war, and I hope to the Forces you never will be, but both Blaisall and Lindsay Morgan have, so they knew the gesture that you don't."
"What gesture?" She finally looked over at me, her eyes curious.
"When an Alpha is preparing his wolves for battle, he gives them a pre-victory speech to help ramp them up for success. At the end of his speech, all of his warriors lift their heads up, either as wolf or human, exposing their necks to the Alpha. It's not only a gesture of submission to the Alpha, but a gesture meaning take my life, which I offer to you, for this pack," I explained. "Blaisall and Lindsay Morgan's wolves both did that. Immediately and without hesitation. They knew, Neera. They knew what needed to happen to stop the magicks. They'd been living with them, and they both knew first-hand the evil they were capable of."
"Ifrita said Lindsay Morgan had just met her Destined One when she found them together in the woods. And Lindsay allowed him to be killed so she could keep her life."
"Unforgiveable," Night said, his voice harsh. "You fight for your Destined One or die together. She probably was easier for Ifrita to repress because the pain of being separated from her Destined One was destroying her just as much as Ifrita was. Lindsay Morgan would not have lasted long even if we had found a way to save her and kill the magick. She had three years of guilt and pain."
My Howl's little head was bowed still, and my wolf and I did not like her sad thoughts. I ran my hand over her hair, hoping to soothe her.
"She died nobly, little Howl. There is no greater honor for a wolf in battle, and make no mistake -- that was a war for our lives and for the pack's lives and for all packs' lives. It was her choice, and although she didn't make the right choice with her Destined One, Lindsay Morgan made the right choice in the end."
"And Blaisall?"
"You saw her. She also offered her neck. Four hundred years of living with the agony of being a rejected mate and the pain of having an evil magick share her body...she was ready to go to the Forces after centuries of suffering. She wanted to be at peace, Neera."
My Howl was silent as she thought about all that I'd told her.
When she turned her head to look at me, tears were swimming in her eyes. "And what about you? Hearing about...about your parents." She practically choked on the last words.
"I knew how my parents died, Neera. I knew it was horrible."
"But to hear it..."
"And to know I was with my parents' killer for three years. Regardless that I was enchanted or spelled or whatever the fuck she did to me, it still burns me inside, makes me feel sick, makes me want to kill her all over again, thousands of time, each time more painful than the last. And to know how I hurt you? Each time I think about it, I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I really am sorry, Neera."
She sighed. "I know I should say I forgive you, but that feels wrong because there's really nothing to forgive in that sense. It wasn't you doing any of that. It was her."
"There might have been one or two things, though, that were me."
"The trunk was all you," Neera said sourly.
"Done for your safety, based on my dreams. All I could think about was keeping you safe, and yet I still failed in that."
"You saved me, saved all of us, in the end. I don't think you failed at all."
"You were hurt," I said softly, looking at her fading bruises. "That's unacceptable."
"But not killed," she reminded me. "You saved us all from two very powerful magicks."
Sensing she needed a change of subject, I slid a long rectangular box out of my shirt pocket and handed it to Neera. "I promised you I'd buy you something nice for your birthday gift."
She shot me a look.
"Open it," I prodded her. "I don't wrap gifts, but I promise it is one."
She lifted the lid off the box and drew out the long silver chain that held a silver locket with an inscribed N on the front in curly script. She opened it and pressed her lips together. I'd had one of the older artists in the pack who had known her parents paint tiny portraits of her mother and her father, one for each side of the locket.
"I hardly have any pictures of my parents," she said, unable to tear her eyes away from the pictures. "Thank you. Thank you."
"You're welcome, little Howl."
I watched her stare at the portraits for a few more minutes before she closed the locket and slipped the necklace over her head.
"Also wanted to catch you up with some decisions I've made. The prison house, as you called it, and my old house are being burned down today," I said. "Everything in them will be turned to ash and then the cement pads will be bulldozed so nothing of either house remains. I'm building a new house for us on Crescent Lake, but I want you to choose the plans for the house you want and see if you like the lot I'm thinking of."
She nodded, whether in approval of my plan to burn down the houses or agreeing to select the house plans I couldn't tell.
"I know I've pushed you and ruined our Taking of the Blood, but I'm not pushing any more, Neera, I promise. You're my Howl, and even though my instinct is to move fast with you, I can take it slow. It's going to take about five months for our house to be built, and we're going to use that time to get to know each other without the pressure of needing to save the wolf world on our shoulders."
At that, my wolf went wild, unhappy with that decision and possibly down right pissed off.
What? Take it slow? Noooooooo! Just get her on all fours and she'll love you when you fuck --
She gave a half smile. "You're telling me you're going to spend the next few months...wooing me?"
"Yes. I won't push for anything physical. We'll just use this time to get to know one another and the timeline for how and when we move forward is in your hands since I took so much out of your hands -- regardless of my reasons. It'll give you time to let certain memories fade a bit so they aren't so fresh and raw."
What the hell kind of bullshit idea is this?! Woo her with your dick!
Yep. He was definitely pissed off.
"If you want, you can go back to your apartment until our house is ready. You'll still have a guard, but you don't have to stay with me."
No! No! No! Our Howl should be with us!
"OK," she said slowly. "I have a lot to think about and sort through in my mind, so I appreciate having a little time."
What does she need to think about?
Looking at Neera's face, I felt for my overwhelmed little Howl. Even though it went against every instinct I had, she needed a little space, and I could give her that now that we had Taken the Blood and the threat from the magicks was gone. I didn't have my dreams pressing on me so I could relax a little.
Taking her hand in mine, I let her absorb some of my Alpha energy that every member of the pack needed, but she especially needed right now.
"The way you behaved yesterday, Neera -- I know it was terrifying, but you made me so damn proud. Our pack has been without a Howl for far too long. You're everything we need and more, and not a day will go by that I don't thank the Forces for sending you to me, to our pack."
She didn't say anything, but she did squeeze my hand.
And for now, that was enough.