There was a time of peace after the Morphling was carried away from the arena, Finnick had disappeared into the tree line for a while, filling me with a pool of anxiety that nothing seemed to alleviate. Peeta's head rested against Katniss' shoulder with exhaustion and all I could do was think about the people that I had lost already.
Thorn.
Elsie.
Beck.
Jude.
Atlas.
I felt the dark void building in my stomach with every person that I lost. Of course, I still had family and people that I loved- I was lucky that way. Most victors, people like Finnick, Johanna and Haymitch had lost almost everything they had ever know leaving the arena for the first time.
But in all honesty, an awful, twisted part of myself felt as though my life had not started until I took that step out of the arena. The victors became the family that I chose, they broke up the monotones of what my life had been before I was reaped and even with the relentless nightmares and the trauma, I always had them. The mother I had in Mags. The Uncles in Haymitch and Atlas. Aunts in Gaia and Sylvia. The sisters in Lorelei, Annie, Ophelia, and Johanna. Brothers in Reign, Pluto, and Blaze. Niece in Astrid and Nephew in Phoenix. Katniss and Peeta fit in there somewhere too.
Most importantly was Finnick, my sun and stars- he was there before the void appeared and through it, he was my source of light to clamber to. I fell for him before I even knew what love felt like, he was the reason I knew, the reason I remembered how to hold on.
I felt his presence before I saw him and a small smile appeared on my face as his hand poked over my shoulder, I took it gratefully, using him to stabilise myself as I stood up from the sand. In his other hand he held a collection of Katniss' arrows, covered in blood and matted fur, "Thought you might want these," He stated, dropping them into the sand beside the girl.
"I'll help you clean them up," I tell her, placing a tender kiss on the back of Finnick's hand as the two of us wade into the ocean. She handed me an arrow and I scrubbed the weapon clean of any grime left from the fight.
Katniss broke the tense silence with a tentative voice, "I'm sorry about Atlas," She said in a raw tone, the sincerity in her voice felt like a punch to the gut, "He seemed like a good person,"
"He was," I whispered, sinking lower into the water as I watch Peeta and Finnick talking on the sand. Finnick let out a loud laugh at something Peeta said and pushed the boy gently on the shoulder, causing me to smile at their building friendship, "People always underestimated him because of his injuries, but he would fight anyone who came between him and the people he loved. You remind me a lot of him, Katniss- you're a hell of a lot stronger than people would think," I remarked with a broken laugh.
"So are you," She replied awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck, unsure of how to respond to the compliment, "I remember watching your games. I couldn't help but admire the way you held yourself, the way you never let people perceive you as anything less than what you were. The Nightlock is what they called you in District Twelve, but I guess that had an entirely different meaning now," she said, her face darkening at the thought.
I couldn't help but remember one of the first conversations Atlas and I had on my tour.
"So, I'm a symbol of rebellion now?"
"Perhaps, there's a fine line between rebellion and hope- don't you think it's high time we have a bit of both?"
"To me, the Nightlock has always and will always be symbolic of a subversion of expectations. Whether that was me in my games, or you and Peeta in your own. Everything has a meaning, Katniss- I suppose the interpretation is dependent on the individual,"
Katniss, paused before nodding in agreement, "You know, I never congratulated you on your engagement, to whoever it is that you're marrying," she said, nodding at the ring on my finger, "If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?"
I had never pegged Katniss to be the kind of girl to get swept up in romantic stories, but at that moment I realised that she wasn't. To her, these games were just that- a game. She was playing the right cards, comradery and friendship between districts got sponsors, if she wanted to play the game- so could I. "I'd always wanted a District Four wedding," I began with a bright smile, "In my home, we have this tradition of dancing on the shoreline with our feet in the water, the bottom of our clothes getting wet as we kick and splash and spin around in the twilight. It's beautiful- but in my line of work- weddings are rare. No one wants to marry a monster," I said my face falling as Katniss analysed my expression with sympathy.
"I think that's why it was so unexpected for me; I'd been so swept up in my own fear and insecurity I hadn't even anticipated it. We went for a walk to our special place in the district, it's a tricky spot to get to, but so worth it. It overlooks the entire coast, and the sound of waves crashing against the rocks is so loud it drowns out anything in my mind. I'd been so lost watching the horizon I hadn't even noticed him get down on one knee," I explained, letting out a laugh at the memory. Finnick and Peeta's heads snapped around at the noise and I twirled the engagement ring around on my finger, even from the distance I could see my fiancé wink at me jokingly. "I was so excited, I don't think I even said yes, I just tackled him to the ground and hugged him so tight I nearly strangled him," I finished.
"It sounds perfect," Katniss acknowledged, cleaning off the last of her arrows the two of us walked back towards the shore.
"It was, we were," I smiled fondly, "We may not have been able to dance together at our wedding, but what we did have I will forever cherish. He was the best thing that ever happened to me- you know the feeling?"
"Yeah," Katniss said in an unsteady voice, her eyes trailing over to where Peeta and Finnick were messing around on the beach. She took in his every movement with adoration in her eyes and my lips twisted up into a knowing smile "I know the feeling,"
Their marriage may have been a lie, but a look like that could not be manufactured.
"Took you long enough," Finnick taunted jokingly as we reached the two of them. I rolled my eyes, shoving his shoulder with feigned irritation. Even with the light-heartedness in his tone, I could tell that he was utterly destroyed after what happened to Atlas, worse was the fact he was blaming himself. Katniss peered into the vacant clearing and the two of us were stunned to see that the corpses of the mutts had disappeared, "We don't know where they went, the vines shifted and they were gone," He explained.
My eyes narrowed in confusion at the man's words, and I moved forward in an attempt to investigate. Finnick's hand locked around my wrist as I did so, preventing me from moving forward any further, his lips brushing my earlobe as he did so, "Stay with me, love," He uttered and I turned to look into his eyes, taking in the anxiety he was trying to hide. We had grown progressively more tired, the four of us deciding to set up camp on the beach. It was safer that way, by marking the area as our territory we were stopping the Careers from going toe to toe with us in the jungle.
"Why don't you three get some rest, I'll watch for a while," Katniss offered, however, Finnick shook his head, sinking onto the ground and scooping up a handful of damp sand to toy with.
"No Katniss," He refused, not looking the girl in the eye, "I'd rather," Taking in my pleading expression, Katniss nodded in understanding, curling up beside Peeta. The sleeping boy subconsciously draped an arm protectively around her waist, causing my eyes to light up. Even in his sleep, the boy cares for her.
By the time the atmosphere is filled with the pair's deep breathing, I had shuffled over to Finnick's side, the two of us allowing the tears to fall freely in the darkness while the rest of the island was asleep. "It wasn't your fault Finn," I told him squeezing his hand.
He paused, attempting to find somewhere to disagree with me. When he was unable to do so he responded stiffly, "I know,"
I don't respond, instead, I listen to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, "It wasn't yours either,"
"I know,"
We just weren't strong enough, or fast enough, or smart enough. Because against the Capitol, nothing is enough. If they wanted us all dead, we would be. But this is a game, not only physically but psychologically. The game makers pluck us off one by one to increase the fatalistic nature of the situation- there is no Nightlock in this arena, there is nothing to be done but embrace the imminent nature of our deaths.
"Do you remember at Annie's wedding, when Atlas got drunk and got into an argument with a grandfather clock?" Finnick responded, breaking the tension. The two of us laughed quietly, attempting not to wake the two sleeping beside us, "We were all drunk at that wedding- God, what was in that liquor?" He questioned and we snickered, reminiscing on the events.
It was one of the few things I remembered from that night, the second being Mags partaking in the mother-daughter dance of the evening, bringing everyone to tears. The third was Finnick and I stumbling into my home, past the portraits we had made in the living room, leaving a trail of clothing throughout the house as we entangled ourselves on top of the sheets. Of all of the weddings I had been to, it had been one of my favourites, days like that convinced me that even as victors we deserved a life of normalcy. A boring, repetitive, domestic life had been all I had really wanted for Finnick and me- it was stupid to think that the odds would be in our favour.
"Last night- before he went into the fog, he whispered something to you," I began but Finnick cut me off.
"I don't want to talk about it right now,"
"Finnick," I began slowly.
"Aurora," He mimicked in the same voice, and I scoffed, rolling my eyes.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I asked him, holding his hand, he nodded, squeezing my hand in reassurance. That was all it took for the man to collapse into my embrace, the sound of him crying muffled into my shoulder as I stroked his hair supportively, trying my best to stop the tears from falling down my face. Finnick had known Atlas for a lot longer than I had and while I hated trying to be strong, I knew I had to, for his sake. Finn had been protecting and comforting me for far too long- I could sacrifice one night of showing weakness to be there for the man I loved. "Do you want to get some sleep?" I whispered to him.
He did not respond with words, instead, he shifted from his seating position, laying his head in my lap while I stroked his hair protectively. Allowing the man to drift off in my arms, "Love you, Rory," He mumbled sleepily before his eyes grew too heavy to keep open.
As his choked breathing steadied out, I leaned forward, kissing him gently on his hairline, "I love you, Finn," I responded softly, watching the stars overhead with a wistful expression. Perhaps I would wake up in Finnick's arms back in District Four and realise this was a terrible nightmare. We'd walk through the cobblestone streets and scale the Cove and dine at Reign and Ophelia's house as we always had. But wishing on stars was not something that I could afford to do, not with people to protect, not with Finn's life at stake-
Not when the odds were so cruelly stacked against us.
Holy guacamole guys.
50 chapters of this book are done and dusted! Thank you so much to everyone that's stuck around for the ride, I love all your love and support and votes and comments and whatnot. It really means a lot to know people are enjoying this story, your comments are such encouragement to me.
I have a wild ride planned, I just have to get around to finishing it.
Ho life or no life
May x