Hayat Azhar
I didn't know how I managed to reach home in one piece after having gone through the most dangerous encounter of my life.
But it was when I stepped inside the familiar premises of our ordinary house with the crumpling paint on the walls that I was able to breathe properly.
Leaning my back against the main gate, I closed my eyes. A painful throb had begun to course along my left arm and I found myself relieved that it wasn't my other arm that douche of a criminal had decided to squash.
"Hayat, have you returned?"
My eyes fluttered open and I saw mother approaching me. She'd lost the fresh look from her face and seemed frailer than usual.
Perhaps catching something in my expression, she added, "Are you alright, beta?"
Not having the strength to form a verbal response, I nodded my head in affirmation.
What was I supposed to say? That some armed men stopped the bus and robbed everyone? That I was held at gun point? That I actually crossed paths with a criminal whose name had been surfacing in the news for some time now?
If I told mother the truth, she would confine me inside the house until I got married off and left this city. I couldn't risk losing the freedom of stepping out of the house. I still had to go to a university; I wanted to amount to something more, someone my family could lean on.
I kept my left hand hidden in my chaddar to keep mother from noticing the missing golden band that was supposed to be on my finger. If she noticed its absence, she'd question me about it.
I was still engaged. If someone found out that the ring was already lost, there was no telling what havoc would befall us.
Mother wasn't the main concern. Zohaib. If Zohaib came to know of this, who knew how he would react. It took him months upon months to save up enough money from his salary just to buy me such an expensive gift filled with his affection.
And now it was gone.
A sudden rush of gratitude flowed through my gloominess at the fact that those thieves didn't notice me dropping the purse. If they had taken that too, it would've been the end for me. Our expenses for the whole month depended on the few thousand rupees inside that bag.
"Why are you still standing over there? Go and wash your hands, we've been waiting for you to eat dinner." My mother's voice tugged me out of my trance.
I gave her a small nod and pushed myself towards the kitchen to wash my hands and face. Then, I made my way to our aging dining table.
Drying my hands on my dupatta, I took a seat on the wooden chair that squeaked under my weight.
"You know, that electricity guy came in today. He threatened to cut our wires if we didn't pay them the bill soon." Before I could even take my first bite, mother dropped the first bad news.
A piercing ripple of despair cut through me. I was already feeling down, the last thing I wanted was to make myself feel even worse.
For the past few months, with the high inflation rates, our financial condition had been worsening and because of that, we weren't able to pay the bills on time.
"If we don't pay up this week, they will cut our wires for sure," mother added with a shake of her head. For a second, I only stared at her face.
"Ammi, don't worry." I mustered up energy to respond with a light smile. "We got the pension today, didn't we? We'll pay the bills." It was meant to convince myself more than her. Regardless of my endless efforts, I just couldn't manage the money nor earn a little more.
"You're talking as if you've brought millions of that pension!" she snapped. "What are we supposed to do with fifteen thousand only, Hayat? Pay the bill, buy groceries for the month or pay for Sania's school?"
I let out a sigh. "Ammi, how many times have I told you not to worry about provision? Provision is in the hands of Allah who's been giving billions of people from the start, won't He give us too? It's impossible that He created us and just forgot about it. Have faith, ammi. Having faith in Allah is the first step of success."
I had tried to calm my mother down. But instead of doing that, my words added fuel to the fire.
"Don't speak nonsense, Hayat!" She flared up, completely disregarding my advice. "Things like this only happen in books and fiction. They don't happen in real life. Be practical."
I knew my mother was wrong and I also knew that one day she would realize her mistake. What's been written in your fate will always find you no matter where you were just like death finds the person who is to die.
My throat clogged up. "What exactly am I supposed to do, ammi?" The tears that I'd been holding back for so long finally broke free and I sobbed. "Why do you make me feel like I'm at fault for all these problems?"
The instant expression of regret was evident on my mother's face. Of course nobody, not even me, was expecting that I'd break down in tears out of the blue. But how was I supposed to tell her that those salty tears were being shed over something entirely different?
"I didn't mean it like that, beta," she murmured softly. "I'm trying to make you understand. Going to the university is not worth it. Look for a job instead, earn a little so we could pay our expenses."
She'd been repeating the same thing for the past few months. Enough studying, start earning.
She would've never said that had it not been for our financial crisis, I knew that. Maybe if this was a different matter, I would've compromised. But this was the matter of my education and I refused to leave it hanging in the middle like this.
I wiped my tears away. "Ammi, I need to go to university. And besides, there is no job that would pay me well with my academic merit." My voice, too, had become low. Speaking any louder was going to break my voice. None of us was eating anymore.
"There is one job."
I raised my head at her words.
"You know that Haveli in the neighborhood that was recently refurbished and the family that moved invited everyone for lunch?"
I drew my eyebrows together, having a bad feeling about where this conversation was headed.
I mean, everyone was thrilled and wouldn't stop gossiping when this extremely wealthy family owning multiple factories all over Pakistan moved in our area back to their ancestral property.
They had arranged some kind of a big lunch party for everyone in the neighborhood, celebrating their return and mother had me make kheer to take with her.
But why was she mentioning them out of the blue?
"I took the kheer you made with me, right? When I gave it to the guard and he took it inside, the old lady of the Haveli was very pleased that she invited me inside the Haveli building to have tea with me."
I nodded my head slowly, prompting her to continue.
"I talked to her about our difficult situation. And may God reward her, she made an exclusive offer to me. She said she'll accept a maid for herself and she'll pay fifteen-twenty thousand. I thought I'd ask you first."
I blinked, feeling a painful stab surging at the bottom of my stomach. "Ammi, am I supposed to sweep and mop others' houses now?" I asked in surprise.
Not noticing how hurtful her words had been, her anger shot up once again.
"What else can be done?! Do you have a multi-billion company offering you the post of a manager now?" she retaliated. "Fine. Don't go. I will drag my old and aching bones and go work at their house myself!" Mother abandoned her food and stood up in fury.
I watched her leave without another word and dropped my head in my palms, helplessness and despair slicing through my heart.
Sania, my younger sister who'd been quietly observing the whole ordeal, gently cleared her throat.
"Uh...when I went with Ammi, I saw two very fine young men there. It wouldn't be so bad to look at them everyday."
At my sister's voice, I lifted my head and gaped at her. Sania had such a deceitful heart, whenever she'd notice any guy who was remotely handsome, she'd lose her mind.
Feeling my harsh stare at her, Sania awkwardly looked down at her plate, avoiding my eyes.
My throat became dry.
This had been happening everyday now. I was the one to face every kind of difficulty that was thrown our way.
So long as father was alive, our life was as easy as it could get. My worries mostly revolved around myself. But everything turned into ashes and was buried in the ground on the day he was buried.
After him, all the responsibilities fell on my mother's shoulders. But her aging bones couldn't bear the weight for long and against her will, everything had to be shifted onto her eldest daughter; me.
House bills, grocery lists, school fees, sickness expenses, all of these trivial matters gathered and turned into a huge mountain of difficulties that kept piling up.
In the beginning, mother started sewing at home to give me a helping hand but because of her chronic back pain, she had to quit that activity.
At times like this, I couldn't help but feel pity for myself.
And father's pension - those few thousands that did not amount to much in a country like Pakistan weren't much of a help either.
I wasn't a cheapskate nor was I a spendthrift, I had to use every single thing as required and had to go as far as doing things I would have never imagined doing had our situation been normal.
I couldn't disregard a single thing but I wasn't strong to face anything either. I wasn't given a choice, I wasn't asked, I just had to do it.
"Api, why aren't you eating?" Sania motioned to my untouched Roti. I had lost my appetite. A lump formed in my throat as I voiced my decision.
"Tell ammi to accept their offer. I will go and work there after returning from university." My strangled voice was foreign even to my own ears. Sania gave me a sympathetic smile.
"I never thought a day would come when we'd have to go and serve others in their houses," I spoke to myself in a whisper, my eyes growing numb.
"We never thought so much would happen and yet things are still happening." Sania looked down. "Did we ever think that dad would just...die all of a sudden?"
A tight knot formed in my chest. He didn't die. He was killed by thieves. Maybe they would've spared him if he wasn't a policeman. Maybe, he would've been here with us today.
I didn't notice tears slipping from my eyes until two drops fell on my palms. I wiped at my eyes.
"But imagine Zohaib Bhai's reaction once he finds out that his already booked, soon-to-be wife will have two handsome men walking around her everyday!" Sania tried to lighten up the mood with her unpleasant way of joking.
I seized a glass from the table but before I could even aim it at her, Sania was up on her feet and darted off.
God, she seriously needed to filter her mouth.
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A chilly wind was blowing as I sat on the stairs leading to our rooftop. I tightened the woolen shawl around myself, my left arm sore in pain and cold. It was quiet until someone came stomping behind me.
"Agh! It's cold enough already, when will these stupid mosquitoes die!" Sania groaned in exasperation while slapping her arms in annoyance.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked, inhaling the night air.
"I was studying," she replied, plopping down on the stair beside me. "Until the lights went out! Now the electricity won't be back for another three hours."
I hummed absentmindedly in response, allowing silence to dawn on us before she spoke again.
"Api..? All that studying made me kind of exhausted. Will you please make me some tea of yours? I'm giving you the chance to perfect your tea for your future husband," she bargained, earning a small smile from me.
I glanced down at my watch and my smile faded. "It's 10, already. There is no gas."
"Awh man! The gas won't be back until five in the morning!"
I looked up at her as she rose to her feet, grumbling about how there was nothing else to do besides sleeping now.
"You should sleep as well. A couple of days more and you won't be able to sleep in anymore." Sania's voice drowned as she traversed away.
An ocean of sorrow started to collect in my chest again.
Load shedding and gas shortage were two of the many unsolved problems in the major cities of Pakistan.
And for someone who wasn't wealthy enough to own a UPS, solar panel or electricity generator, this was how we spent the night; in the dark.
Not owning a gas cylinder either meant not having gas all the time—no matter how cold it was and no matter how much you craved something warm, you couldn't have it.
I moved my eyes up toward the dark sky filled with gleaming stars. A melancholic smile pulled my lips up.
What if those natural lights were also exclusive for the rich? Why can't the equality in the skies descend on earth as well?
Because where some people couldn't afford to switch a second room's lights, fearing the electricity bill, there were those whose enormous houses were decorated with tens of hundreds of light sources that glimmered all night long.
My gaze focused on the distant Haveli visible from our rooftop, shining in all its glory with golden lights that seemed to dance.
I thought today's incident of the the thieves and the ring was already enough but mother had tasked me with another mission.
Now I will have to wake up early everyday, go to the university, come back, go work at the Haveli, return home at night and tutor the children of the neighborhood, complete my assignments, help around the house, manage the expenses, and deal with every problem no matter how small.
I tutored the kids in the evening but I'd have to change the timing now. Some mothers would be upset and quit sending their kids to me. But where I'd be losing a few five hundreds monthly, I'll be getting around fifteen thousand.
No pain, no gain, right?
I took in a sharp breath and jolted up to my feet, my shawl swaying in the air.
Nope, overthinking will only worsen things. Today, in some way, I was given a new chance to live. Instead of focusing on pessimistic thoughts, my focus should be on optimistic things.
Nothing is more valuable than a human life. I was alive. And for that, I was thankful.
Yet, once I was in bed attempting to sleep, my mind kept circling back to the bus incident, trying to come up with ways I could've prevented my loss until sleep drained my thoughts.
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Glossary:
Beta - meaning 'child', used as an endearment for a younger person.
Ammi - meaning 'mother'.
Haveli - a traditional mansion or manor house, usually one with historical and architectural significance, located in a town or a city.
Aapi - respectful term of address for older females, which basically means 'elder sister'—can also be substituted with 'Baji'.
Kheer - a chilled South Asian dessert made from slow-cooked rice, milk, and sugar, much like a rice pudding.