I'm unable to stop the intrusive thoughts from invading my mind, driving me even more insane. I kick off the covers in agitation, sitting on the edge of the bed. I run a hand along my tired face. Sleep and I are no longer on speaking terms and haven't been for several months. I'll be lucky to quiet my dizzying thoughts long enough to get some shut eye for only two hours at most.
"Ya okay, Blue?" My husbands voice filled with concern. I peer over my shoulder, seeing Daryl's form on the opposite side of the bed.
"Yeah, I just need to walk off anxious energy. I'll be back. I ain't going to his office," I promise.
"I know ya haven't been okay lately. I ain't said anythin', but I know," the sounds of him facing me fill the air. His hand seeks out mine, intertwining his fingers. I close my eyes at his sudden touch. It's been so few and far between where his skin kisses mine. "I wish ya'd talk to me. Ya didn't even act like this at the prison or when ya first joined us."
I tease, smirking, "Mister Dixon, when are you going to learn I'm full of mystery and surprises?"
"I'm ya husband. Ya don't have to hide from me. I'm 'posed to make ya feel safe." I hang my head, dragging my hand away from his. "Damn it, Vanessa. I'm tryin' here," he growls in frustration.
I shake my head, "no you're not. You're gunning for the downfall of your own wife. That's not love, or being my safe place. This marriage has been nothing but a fucking war zone." I scoff, growing angry. He's been acting weird since he returned from Hilltop the day after Negan fell. He's been cold and disconnected. I barely get a view of the man lying next to me. I stand up abruptly, even more upset, "I'm not stupid. I know you, Daryl." I stalk towards the door when a thought occurs to me, without looking back at him, "why are we still pretending to be happy when neither of us are? Why don't we go our own way?" I close the door behind me without waiting for a reply.
I let my legs guide me to the doors leading to the outside world. I grab a piece of glass from the window we shot out ages ago. I throw it across the pavement, anger and sadness allowing a scream to tear out of my throat.
How can someone that promised me forever treat me so unfairly for a call Rick made? Why am I the only one facing backlash for following an order from our leader and a request from a child I once considered mine? It's not fucking fair. If I didn't think the order was sane or right, I would've been the first person to say something. I saw logic in Carl's young, dying mind and I decided to honor it. I know I made Kelly and Abraham proud. If I don't show mercy to those who deserve a chance at redemption, I completely lose my humanity and I am not okay with that thought.
Negan isn't The Governor. He's shown me mercy and compassion while we were on the opposite sides of the war. He didn't have to save me over and over, but he did. Negan isn't totally lost to this world. He'd make a hell of an ally if he is ever allowed to come out of the cell. I don't think he deserves to be in there for the rest of his years on this planet. Or maybe I'm just a little biased.
Truthfully, I could see myself in his shoes if Rick and company never saved me when they did. I could've been the leader he became. During our many conversations, I felt like I was speaking to myself. If Rick thought I was enough to save, why can't Negan deserve the same courtesy? Yes, he's done some fucked up things, but we all have. He's killed so many of us, but we killed many of his own.
I feel hot tears fall from my eyes as I curl into myself along the wall outside of the rundown factory. I observe the ring adorning my finger. The same ring Daryl used to promise to love me forever. Sometimes, I feel like I really don't fucking know the man that sleeps next to me.
Jordan promised the same, but we all know how that played out, I muse. Everyone fucking leaves you.
"God, shut the fuck up," I shout into the air, bringing my fists to my temples. Why the hell are my own thoughts out to get me as much as my own husband is? Why can't I be normal? I haven't been this big of a mess since I was hours away from coming face to face with my own boogeyman. My fingers seek out a rock, I toss it, willing to rid myself of the swirling depression that's ready to swallow me up.
I bring my legs to my chest, resting my head atop my knees, sobbing, unable to breathe through the panic clawing at my throat. I startle when arms wrap around my shoulder, gently pulling me close. Realizing who it is, I try to pull away, but he drags me close. I struggle, still angry at him and the world.
"Stop for Christ's sake, Vanessa." Daryl swears, body tense as he tries to restrain my struggles without harming me. "I ain't goin' nowhere, and neither are ya." He murmurs into my head, pleading with me to calm down. His fingers tangle themselves in my hair. I suck in a shaky breath, closing my eyes, allowing him to pull me against his chest. "Ya think I was gonna let ya leave?" He chuckles, "ya are stuck with me 'til one of us dies. I knew what I was signin' up for when I asked ya to marry me. I don't regret it; I just hate seein' ya like this." At my silence, he begins to work diligently to rub my back, "I wasn't gunnin' for ya. I was pissed, why save a man that did so much damage? I ain't know how to deal with it, and took it out on ya. I was wrong, I'm sorry. I hurt the woman I was 'posed to protect. I realize I was losin' ya, and I didn't know what to do. I never been with someone so seriously and loved so deeply. I'm still learnin'. Ya know where I come from; Merle was nothin' compared to our father. I became him without physically hurtin' ya. I'm sorry, Blue. I ain't ever lettin' ya go; I can just promise to do better."
We sit like that for awhile until he requests that we try to rest before we have to leave during the bright and early hours of the morning. For the first time in a year, he got intimate with me; I was able to sleep peacefully after. Maybe that's all I needed.
I pull into the open gates of Hilltop behind my company; Daryl's on his bike, and Rick and Michonne atop their horses. I idle carefully, spotting Maggie watching me wearily. I continue to sit on my motorcycle while the three of them dismount from their various modes of transportation. Her face twists in anger at the sight of me entering her community. Rick approaches Maggie, exchanging some words before he gestures for me to follow. I glance behind me, considering turning on the engine, leaving Hilltop to help set up camp instead of being here where I'm clearly unwanted.
A hand brushes my shoulder. Startled, I turn my gaze on the man I haven't seen in months. "It's about time you came to visit, Lilith," Jesus face cracks into a grin. His eyes travel my face; spotting my reluctance, he offers his hand, waiting expectantly. I nod, wrapping my fingers around his skin as I kick my legs over my bike. He drags me into an embrace, his mouth finds my ears, "let's talk."
"Okay," I wave to Rick to let him know I'll be here with Jesus.
I follow his lead to his trailer. I close the door behind me, leaning against the wall while he gets comfortable in the chair placed next to the table. I fiddle anxiously with the gloves covering my hands. "I am glad you're here. I tried to stop Maggie from banning you. I didn't think it was fair."
I shrug, feeling his blue eyes bore into me. "We got into an argument before I did what I did."
"I heard." I hear him let out a sigh, "I heard about the twins. Congrats by the way. I've been meaning to come over to meet them. You look great for carrying twins not long ago."
I've been keeping up with my training while sharing Kelly's knowledge of combat with Jamie. He came over with Daryl and I to the sanctuary; staying at my side instead of Tori's. He confessed one night that he feels safer in my presence since he saw firsthand what I am capable of. Before we left Alexandria with the twins, he asked me when I'm able to get back out in the field if I can train him. I agreed without thinking twice. Daryl also stepped in from time to time, still helping him with the hand held crossbow.
"Someday I will fight to protect you, mom." Jamie's words replay in my head from a night after we wrapped training for the day. He finished wiping the floor with my ass. Now I know how Kelly felt when I surpassed him during our sessions. I'm proud of the man Jamie's becoming. I still see a lot of Daryl in him. Now, I see the same determination in his eyes that Kelly once had.
He's shared his history with me. He was the only child, growing up in a divorced household. His mom wasn't always around, drinking and sleeping around while his father became absent shortly after the separation. He had to learn to take care of himself at such a young age. I felt for the boy; I made a promise to be there for him as long as I breathe.
I smirk at the mention of my children, wondering how they are doing. "Thank you." I glance up, realizing he's been watching with me closely. "They are with my sister and Wren. Rick needs me in the field." I was starting to feel like a caged animal behind the walls of the old factory.
He peers out the window, "it's getting dark. Maggie wants all of us to meet soon. She's executing Gregory."
My mouth falls open and my eyes widen at the news. Holy shit; what the hell happened?
The sun has fallen, and the moon is high in the sky. I peer next to me, seeing Jesus to my right. I let out a sigh of relief, thankful he's close by because I seem to be public enemy number one here at Hilltop. My eyes find Gregory, hanging by noose, being supported by a horse. Okay, enemy number two. I pull my coat closed, feeling the wind blow right through my body.
Jesus filled me in on the walk over. Gregory set up Maggie to get killed. Hershel was present, and Enid got hurt in the process, trying to save her. I glance over in her direction, frowning as the young girl sits inside a wheel chair. I chew on my nail, understanding the logic, but disagreeing with making it such a show. We see death everyday; why continue to traumatize her people further? She could've done this in privacy.
Maggie stalks through the crowd with a determined frown painted on her pretty face; she reaches the front, turning to face all of us. An older couple lurks behind her with Daryl not far behind. Jesus whispers into my ear, mentioning that the older man behind her was the one who attacked her under Gregory's orders. I let out a breathe from between my pink lips, realizing how fucked up this entire situation is, but somehow normal in this apocalyptic world. Daryl's eyes find me, I glance away, giving Maggie my full attention.
"I don't want to do this. But people need to understand that at Hilltop, the punishment fits the crime. Do you have any final words?" Maggie announces, gesturing to Gregory. I survey her, wondering how the hell she's come so far from the night Glenn died. I understand she's lost her entire family and husband, but she's not the same person we met at the farm. But neither am I, I realize. I'm not sure how I feel about the woman she is now. Though, I know she's no longer a friend of mine.
Gregory's pleas dance along the air, "what you're doing isn't right. Somebody stop this, please. Killing me in the dead of night because you're ashamed."
Maggie shakes her head, "you're wrong. I'm not ashamed." I watch with bated breath as she nods towards my husband. He approaches the horse with a whip in his hand.
"Someone stop this! Please! Now, for the love of God, stop it!" Gregory begs, thrashing around on the animal. I wince, as much as I hate him, I feel gutted watching this grotesque display. There's a reason public executions stopped hundreds years ago.
I peer over my shoulder, eyes growing wide as I spot two kids, a boy and a girl with dark hair, stumble into the scene. I rush over, wrapping them inside my arms, protecting them from watching the death of someone they probably grew up around.
"Maggie, stop! Wait!" Michonne shouts. I feel her back connect with mine for a moment. I glance over seeing her wrapped in Rick's arms. The crack of the whip fills the air as Daryl shoos the horse from underneath Gregory. I pull the small human close, pleading with the universe that they continue to stay close to my body.
"Get the children back in bed." Maggie's cold, demanding voice fills the empty, still air. Two people grab them the kids from me. I watch as they are lead back inside. I whirl around, growing angry. Jesus intercepts me, reading my body language, before I could make it over to Maggie. "I made this decision. But this is not the beginning of something. I don't want to go through it again. Cut him down." She calls to Daryl once more.
I scoff, shoving Jesus off of me. I refuse to watch my husband follow another order from Maggie. I'm in awe that she's completely lost all the humanity she once held close to her heart. I'm done being here. I stalk towards my bike that is parked near the side of the Barrignton house.
"Vanessa!" I hear Rick's faint tone call after me.
I shake my head, turning on the engine, carefully weaving through the crowd, ignoring the confused and shocked faces peering between Gregory's body and my exit from Hilltop. I glance over my shoulder seeing Daryl frowning in my direction. Maggie's eyes narrow in agitation at the sound of my bike kicking up dirt, disrupting her little show. I shrug, without looking back, leaving Hilltop behind and heading for camp in the dead of night.