Rory loved winter days like this - the kind that had all the elements of a winter day but felt like spring was just around the corner, the warmth of the sun not quite melting the snow but making her want to bring out her spring coat. Yet there she was, still wrapped in her grey wintercoat, wishing she was there under different circumstances, waiting at the stairs of Celeste's and Jess' Brooklyn brownstone for the door in front of her to open. Based on the time, she knew that the doorbell was off limits and she'd simply texted Celeste, who'd told her to hold on a few minutes with an apologetic emoji. She'd been waiting for a good 7 minutes already, her fingers getting a little chilly, but as a mother herself, she figured Celeste probably had a good reason.
"Hey! Sorry about that, I didn't dare to leave until she was fully asleep, she's teething," Celeste explained, as she opened the door in a haste, having just put Evie to bed. Evie had been sleeping poorly all night, and it was needless to say she was tired, now just hoping Evie would catch up on her sleep with a lenghty nap, having just applied teething gel to sooth her.
"I've been there, don't worry about it," she replied, as she hung up her coat and toed off her Oxford boots.
"So what do I owe this pleasure?" Celeste asked, adding, "Coffee?" as if on instinct, as she walked towards the kitchen.
"Wow, aren't we formal. And as much as I would love that coffee, I can't," she added, somewhat surprisedly, following her.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot," Celeste replied, shaking her head, feeling momentarily embarrassed for having forgotten about Rory's pregnancy. She knew it of course, but somehow the plethora of things on her mind, she'd somehow brushed the thought aside completely.
Rory followed her to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water instead, feeling parched.
"You okay there? You seem a little off?" Rory cut to the chase, after having drunk the water with an audible gulp.
"Is it that obvious?" Celeste sighed, observing Rory, who was leaning against her kitchen counter.
Rory didn't quite reply, just tilted her head a little, pondering how to put it.
"You talked to Jess..." she concluded, seeing her worried look.
Rory nodded. There was no point to lie about it.
"I don't want you worrying, you have enough on your plate. I'm functional...," Celeste added with a weak voice, attempting to say in her own words that she wasn't endangering herself or anyone else, but she knew that whatever else she would say it was likely going to turn into sobs, which she prefer to avoid. She'd never really cried in front of her before, and the thought didn't seem very appealing, wanting to maintain at least some level of dignity.
"I'm worried about Jess too, about the two of you. And you. And believe me I know all about being functional but miserable," Rory replied, recalling the year 2016 which had been one of her own lowpoints from more than one aspect of her life.
"Jess is being kind of wonderful actually. All the things I ask of him, he does. Even if I tell him it's his fault, he just fixes it and frankly it's getting harder and harder to blame him for anything. Sure he works a lot but, but it's just all in my head, you know," Celeste admitted, landing into her armchair that overlooked the backyard, her legs pulled up to her chest. She hated to be this burden.
"I can't tell you how to fix this - but I can tell you that the only way to even begin to solve this is by talking or writing about it. It doesn't matter whether that person is me or Jess or someone professional, but it's largely about working on solutions instead of focusing on the obstacles, identifying what are the things you can change both activity wise and in your thinking, that'll cause change," Rory replied, years of therapy having left a permanent mark.
"I think I'm just having an identity crisis of some sort," Celeste admitted. She had in fact tried writing, having tried to google self-help tips on her issues herself and read whatever she could find. Apparently this was not too uncommon for young mothers, but in her case the roots were much deeper. There was the absence of her family, however horrible, it was still an absence, her somewhat limited friendships, absent career and clear prospects - she had it all, and the idea of having it all but still not quite being able to enjoy it was making her even more frustrated and guilty, making her almost hate herself of ever telling Jess - seeing him worry pained her. He had enough to deal with, without worrying about her.
"Being a mother is a part of it - I wanted this for so long and now I have it, and I really do love it, but it feels like a filler you know. I keep myself occupied with her - buy her things, take her to playgroup, the park, sing to her, cook for her, it's like I do it not for her, but just to occupy my time so I wouldn't have time to think," Celeste explained. She still had plenty of time to think, as conversations with Evie were still rather limited, she lacked that intellectual distraction - and books and podcasts only helped so long.
"So what do you think would happen if you stopped to think?" Rory explored carefully.
"That I'd notice that without being a mother I'm really nothing anymore - I don't have a career, I don't even have any serious aspirations or thoughts of what I'd do workwise anymore, I don't really have any real hobbies that make me want to do more, and excersising doens't really count - that's just like brushing my teeth, it doesn't bring me the joy it used to. I don't really have that many people around me - they're all your's or Jess' or Logan's. Without you guys I'm just nothing - no family, no ties, no culture - nothing, nothing other than being a mother to identify me," she blurted, looking up, trying to keep her tears abay. She had of course known that cutting off her family would be hard, even if she didn't like them, but she really hadn't expected to hit her this late and in this form. She had no graspable history.
"You have culture - you're a hybrid," Rory added smilingly, trying to cheer her up a little, walking over her to give her a hug over her shoulder.
"And you know what they say about hybrids...," she joked through tears.
"Hey, I'm sorry that you feel like this, and if you want you can borrow my therapist, even take my time slot if you want," Rory suggested, knowing how Dr. Thompson was quite busy.
"Thank you for the offer, but that's the thing - that would mean I'd have to tell her all about my family crap and I really don't want to do that. I have trouble trusting people with these things as it is. I'll tell you if I need it but for now I think I'd just prefer to try to beat this without a professional," Celeste replied, sounding actually quite determined.
"And you have our support on whatever you need to do to get there. And I'm sorry I've been so busy myself, even if I'm not here, you know you can always text me right?" Rory suggested.
"Thanks," she replied, wiping her tears away with her sleeve.
"So, how about we go upstairs, get a laptop and try to put together of one of my famous lists?" Rory suggested.
"A list? A list of what?" Celeste inquired somewhat confusedly.
"Of all the things you can do. To try out, to see if any of them help. I'm your 'think outside the box' aid for the day," Rory said, having actually learned this technique in class to get students over a rough patch. Surely it couldn't hurt to try?
They trailed upstairs, the way upstairs having turned into an obstacle course of safety gates at either end of the stairs on all floors. Celeste stopped briefly at Evie's doorway, glancing over her peacefully sleeping form.
"She's adorable," Rory whispered.
"Do you know who you're getting yet?" Celeste asked quietly.
"We do," Rory replied. "Two girls," she added.
The smile that formed on Celeste's face relaxed Rory a bit too, the fact that she could in fact feel genuine happiness for her meant that at least it wasn't all grim tones of grey in her mind.
Two safety gates later they reached the study, Rory landing on the lounge couch and Celeste positioning herself besides her, placing a pillow on her lap.
"So, let's get that list going," Rory encouraged.
"Fine," she muttered, reaching out for her laptop. She wasn't too keen on the idea, but as Rory seemed determined enough she figured she'd humour her. To her her issues seemed too unfixable, too much of lost causes that she had little faith in what she was suggesting though, but surely it couldn't hurt. Beside she just wanted some company and that she had for the time being.
"So put down all the things you can do or try that might help you feel better? Or things that would be on your bucket list? Maybe the latter is easier?" Rory suggested.
Celeste shrugged. Her former life had been full of amazing experiences and possibilities - she frankly couldn't think of a whole lot.
"Seriously?" Rory raised her eyebrows at her. "Scuba diving, skydiving, bungee jumping?" she added hopefully.
"Done the first one plenty of times, the other two are more like Logan 10 years ago than me ever," Celeste noted.
"Oh, don't remind me of the Costa Rica incident," Rory muttered. "Any holiday destinations you've wanted to go to or what you've really loved?" she continued, hoping these trivial options would lead to the deeper stuff naturally.
"I've always loved Côte d'Azur, but that's a little tricky," she replied, recalling all the family holidays they'd spend there when she was little, or even later when she'd been there with friends. But she was too well known to go to any of her favourite places in Nice, people would recognize her.
"Put that on the list, you don't have to go there today - you go when you feel you can, even if that is 10 years from now," she advised.
"Maybe Seychelles or Mauritius?" Celeste added to her list.
"Nice, beachy..., I bet Logan would love to go too," Rory added, knowing too well that Logan had given up quite few travel ideas during the past years, the biannual beach vacation having been very much like his thing, settling for a honeymoon in Vancouver, most of which Rory had spent at the hotel pool being five months pregnant. "Maybe we'll go together some day," she suggested not too seriously.
"Any sport you've always wanted to try out?" Rory suggested next.
"This is silly," Celeste replied, wanting to discard the project at hand.
"Humour me. Consider it a thinking exercise, it's not so much about what you put on that list but that it gets you thinking of things that you want. Besides it's not like you have financial strains that would stop you from trying anything once, you may not feel like it but you do have a safety net - you've got us, we'll babysit if you need us. Think bands you've wanted to see, places you've wanted to go to, things you've wanted to make," Rory lectured.
"Ever consider a guidance counselor job?" Celeste laughed.
"Don't mock, I'm trying to help," Rory replied.
"I know... and thank you for that," Celeste replied.
Within the next hour or so her list filled up slowly, but still with some fairly interesting additions such as seeing Beta Radio live, a career with three question marks behind it, learning to drive in the US, something she'd been too scared to do, visiting a break room (Rory's suggestion), learning to ice-skate. The truth was that she felt like she'd already done it all - she wasn't poorly off financially, she'd set up her retirement fund and trust fund for Evie, she was eating healthy and in good shape, she'd run marathons, read a lot, knew how to play chess, she'd done numerous adventure sports when she was younger but never particularly enjoyed them, she'd tried the high pressure job and red carpet life and that she really didn't crave. There were some things she didn't quite dare to put on it - the fact that she felt like she needed to make more friends - to be less dependable on the ones she had, that the busyness of their lives wouldn't be such a blow to her - diversifying in order to become more resilient. And then there was Jess. She desperately wanted to gain back what she'd had with him - that intimateness that they've had - something that was deeper than just physical or parenting.
"What about your drawings?" Rory asked.
"What about them?" she asked in return.
"I know it's probably partially on me, but I do remember you asking me to brainstorm on them with you, and I'm sorry I haven't," Rory apologized.
"I know I was sort of considering making something out of them, but now I just feel like I was silly for thinking they were anything... I'm not trained for this, I have no art degree, and clearly don't have what it takes to put the story together. Sure I still draw, but they are just that, glimpses, not something that would form a novel," she replied, sounding discouraged.
"Can I look?" she asked, gesturing towards the leather binder, that she always had around. It had been months since she'd last seen her work.
Celeste shrugged, handing the binder to her.
Her work was all over the place when it came to style, not like the series of mature drawings Rory had been surprised by a little more than a year ago. There we're kid-friendly drawings, attempts to draw action, still-lives and even something resembling Futurama. They were not bad, any of them, but she clearly needed some direction.
"I like these," Rory pointed at the borderline mature ones, one of them of a sensual french kiss. "But maybe it wouldn't hurt to go take a class or something, maybe there's something at the NYU, or get a consult. They're not nothing. They're good - I just feel like you need to pick one style and stick to it. It's really about the end goal of the story - what does it want to say, and then I can help you get there. You could even just display them as art - they don't necessarily need a story, you know," Rory said, trying to help.
"You make that sound so easy," Celeste sighed.
"Hey, you'll figure this out," she assured, placing her arm around her, squeezing her supportively.
It was then Rory noticed the time, the few hours having flown by way too quickly.
"Oh, shoot, I got to go, the nanny had some family thing this afternoon and I promised to let her off early today," Rory said apologetically.
"It's fine," Celeste replied.
"But call me okay? Or text - whenever you need, okay?" Rory added.
"I will, thanks," she replied.
"I'll let myself out. You keep working on these, either of these," she added gesturing towards the list and the binder, and headed off, with a friendly wave.
Celeste stayed in the study for a while, staring out into the snowy backyard. There were things that she wanted - she wanted to prove to herself that she could do something other than what she'd been doing. Maybe Rory was right? Maybe the excersise did get her thinking along the right path? She wasn't going to figure out everything right then and there - but maybe she'd look for courses - maybe it'd give her some reference. However, it was the fact that Rory had come to her after having spoken to Jess, that made her realize that she needed to take care of her relationship first. She needed to assure him, that it wasn't his fault. She could't think of a simple fix, but what she did want, was to go on a date with Jess, just like they used to, underlining the latter on her list.