"Does it hurt?"
Wally had just finished unwrapping the gauze from his wrist, it's been a week since the stitches were removed.
"No..."
Well, they didn't physically hurt. But to see them--
Dick looked away, unable to look any longer. He couldn't help the feeling of shame and... something else he couldn't quite place. It was almost like an itch, one that was just barely out of reach.
Wally's eyes flickered up to Dick's face for just a moment before returning his gaze to his wrist. He sighed softly before gently starting to massage his wrist, as recommended by the doctor.
"They're not that bad Dick, and they'll probably fade even more in time. Honestly... they're pretty faint now."
Which was true. But still... it was odd to Dick. Looking at them made him feel sick.
"What are you thinking about?"
Wally's voice was soft and gentle, his gaze that was now directed back to Dick was the same, his hand still massaging Dick's wrist in gentle circles.
"Just... I feel like..."
Dick had to clear his throat and use his other hand to wipe budding tears from his eyes. But Wally didn't pressure him.
He wasn't going back on his promise. Not this time... and not ever again.
"Part of me feels ashamed but the other part of me wants to... it's like an itch Wally. And I'm just... I'm still so confused."
Wally's lips thinned into a hard line but he nodded his head. The doctors did warn them that he may feel this way. The medicine would help but it's not a cure. No, this would take time. And patience.
Wally carefully got up from his kneeling position beside the bed and instead sits next to Dick on the bed itself.
It's quiet for a moment, with Dick still refusing to meet Wally's gaze or look at his wrist, and Wally trying to figure out how to broach this next subject as carefully as possible.
After a few moments of silence and furtive glances at Dick, Wally finally clears his throat and reigns in his nerves.
"So... why do you feel ashamed?"
Dick's face screwed up and he lowered his head, his bangs obscuring his face.
"Wally I... I really don't want to talk about this with you."
Wally winced but nodded, both men startling a little when someone knocked gently on the door. A second passed before Artemis popped her head in with a nervous smile on her face.
"She's here."
Wally glanced back at Dick as he sighed before running a hand over his face, jumping just a bit when Wally placed a hand on his shoulder. He couldn't believe he actually agreed to this...
"Well... you may not want to talk about it with me. But there's someone here you can."
Wally gently pulled him up and started to lead him down the hallway.
"Yeah... sure."
———————————————————————
They had already brought a dining chair into the living room and had it facing one of the armchairs, one that Dick was currently occupying. His head was lowered slightly and he was nervously tapping his foot and rubbing his wrist.
Wally had already retreated to his and Artemis's bedroom while Artemis gave their visitor a quick hug before joining her boyfriend for a movie... these two needed to talk.
Their guest sat down in front of Dick once Artemis and Wally went down the hall, prompting Dick to finally look up at her.
"Hey Dinah..."
Dick stopped rubbing his wrist and instead just laid both hands in his lap and leaned back in the chair, trying to get more comfortable under her gaze. It didn't really work well.
"Hello Richard. I--"
Dick's knee started to bounce nervously and his hand once more going to his wrist, his nervous tick not going unnoticed.
"Look, I don't really want to talk okay? I shouldn't have agreed to this."
"Then why did you?"
Dick's knee stopped suddenly and he grit his teeth.
"I don't know... I thought it might help. It used to."
Dinah hummed and nodded. Yes, she knew. After the simulation, Dick coming to her was a regular occurrence and his disposition began to improve dramatically. But when he left for a while and became Nightwing, the regular visits stopped. Eventually they began again after Jason's death but stopped completely when Tim came into the picture. As a matter of fact, Dick dropped everything when his new brother came along. He couldn't lose another brother, and certainly not in the way he lost Jason. For one, Dick didn't really have the time, though for the most part he didn't need them anymore. Tim needed him more and having another brother filled part of a void in Dick's life. But now...
"Yes, I remember that. So much has changed since then."
Dick made a weird noise from the back of his throat. Something between agreement and a scoff.
"Yeah... too much."
Dinah slowly leaned forward and rested her arms on her knees.
"So why don't we talk about that? I'm already here anyway."
Dick's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Same rules as before, nothing leaves this room. Not unless you want it to."
Dick's narrowed gaze remained locked with hers before he finally gave a resigned sigh and made himself sit a little straighter.
Well... he did initially agree to this.
"It... it started as a hazy feeling. A long time ago."
Dinah cocked an eyebrow at that.
"How long ago?"
Dick's feet shuffled along the carpet briefly.
"My parents."
Dinah frowned but nodded, leaning back into the chair again and clasping her hands together.
"After Bruce took me in and I became Robin it started to... lessen I guess and always felt like it was in the background. For a long time I was happy and able to keep it away. But after being shot and then Jason's death... it felt like I was starting to crack. But Tim, in a way, saved me when he came to us."
Dick's face turned stricken at the mention of his estranged brother.
"But with the invasion... I didn't just crack. I broke."
Dick's eyes started to widen and he gripped the armrests on his chair as his breath started to quicken.
"I... didn't mean for everything to get so messed up. I weighed everything, all the risks, I spent days and nights going over every possible plan, every possible outcome. I ran so many simulations, and this plan was the highest chance of survival for everyone! I have tried so long to make everyone understand that! Both Kaldur and Artemis knew this going in and they all agreed that no one but us, and Wally could know, because it would run the risk of the Light not buying Artemis's death!"
Dick's eyes started to turn desperate, almost like a trapped wild animal.
"You know... she wasn't even part of the plan originally. I was going to be in her place, fake my own death. But there were problems with that. One leader 'betraying' his team and then the new one 'dying'? Who would take over and be in the know? How would the team be able to function like that?! Artemis volunteered... she came to me! Not even Wally would understand that for the longest time and he was there! And my own family and girlfriend... they want absolutely nothing to do with me. Matter of fact no one did, and they made that exceedingly clear. The others... I can understand. But Bruce of all people? I know I lied to him but you know damn well he would have done the exact same thing, if not anything more risky--"
'I don't want to be THE Batman anymore.'
Dick froze for a second as that memory ran through his mind before he covered his face with a hand, a dark chuckle escaping his lips.
Dinah's face was stricken with worry and she made a move to get up before Dick uncovered his face and looked right at her again, his own face stricken with grief, a few tears running silently down his face. But he made no move to wipe them away this time.
"Artemis and Kaldur tried to shoulder some of the blame for the plan, which by the way worked and didn't result in anymore deaths or enslavement, but no one cared that they were involved. No, just me. Why? Because I was the leader, the 'mastermind'. Wally just... abandoned me. Everyone else did too but like I said, I could understand that. Even Bruce to a certain point. But Wally... he was in on it right along with me!"
A moment passed before Dick's breathing calmed down and Dinah settled back into the chair.
"But you have forgiven him?"
A moment of silence passed, as if Dick was considering that for the first time.
"He... he's been here for me. He's trying to make things right. Which is more than could be said for others. I don't... I don't think Bruce, Barbara, or Tim even know what I tried to do. Or if they would even care."
Dinah glanced at the ground for a moment and fiddled with her coat sleeve.
"Dick..."
She sighed before raising her head back up to meet his sad gaze.
"They've been worried about you--"
Dick merely snorted in disbelief.
"They weren't worried before. It's only because I almost died right? Or maybe they're anxious for me to actually succeed this time."
Dinah's whole body jerked in surprise at that. He couldn't be serious...
"Dick... do you honestly think your family wants you dead?"
Dick's eyes finally focused, his stare cool as he met Dinah's gaze, his tone coming out low and broken. He truly believed his answer.
"Yes."
Dead. Silence.
Dinah had to almost literally pick her jaw up from the floor as she struggled to maintain her professional composure.
She cleared her throat before glancing down at his wrist, noticing he was now scratching at it.
She returned her gaze back to his face.
"Dick... what did you mean by 'this time'"?
Dick froze for a second, his eyes widening.
"I d-didn't mean it like that."
Dinah frowned before getting up and coming to kneel before Dick.
"Are you still suicidal? Actively?"
Dick grimaced and averted his gaze.
But Dinah placed a firm hand on his knee and squeezed, bringing his attention back to her. Her expression demanded an answer. An honest one.
"I don't want to hurt myself, honestly. But... I wouldn't be opposed to death either."
Oh shit.
'Passively suicidal. That's still a big problem.'
Dinah closed her eyes, took a calming breath, before opening her eyes once more and standing up.
"Don't send me back to the hospital."
Dinah looked down and was met with pleading eyes.
"Please I... just felt worse there Dinah."
Dinah was quick to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I'm not going to send you back Dick, no one is. But you still need help... and I think talking with your family is the way to begin."
Dick merely scoffed at the word 'family'.
"You gave Wally a chance."
Dick pulled a face at that. Yeah well... whatever. His family was different.
"Dick, from what you've told me, I really think you need to talk to Tim. At least see him."
Dick's expression turned miserable.
"... would he even want to see me?"
Dinah bit her lip at that.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Master Tim, you must eat!"
Tim ignored Alfred, or at the very least was off in his own world. He was slumped against the dining table, his elbows crossed with his head resting on top.
He wasn't hungry.
He sniffled and turned his head to the side, looking out the window instead of at the plate of food Alfred just offered him.
His eyes were misty and there were dark circles under his eyes.
He was such... a monumental jerk.
His hair and clothes were a mess, and the boy hasn't said more than two words since that call from the hospital.
In his moment of anger towards his big brother, he hardly heard or even understood what he was saying to him. Only when he learned Dick had tried to commit suicide, did his brain finally catch up with his mouth.
And he's never felt this miserable in his life. Dick was always there for him from minute one. And where was Tim? He turned his back on him like everyone else. All for a plan that worked and saved everyone in the end. He was angry at the emotional trauma they went through, something that could have been avoided had Dick just kept them in the loop.
But only recently did he stop and think it through.
What Dick did... well it made sense.
The less people who know about the plan the better. The more of them who truly believed Kaldur to be a traitor and Artemis to be dead-- the better the Light would believe it as well. Yes, he understood now.
But it was too little, too late. And now? Now his brother may never want to see him again.
A glass was set before him and Tim turned his head to glance at it.
"At least drink this."
Tim glanced up at Alfred before reluctantly grabbing the glass of juice and taking a small sip.
The moment the taste of apple juice hit Tim's mouth the phone in the kitchen started ringing.
Alfred glanced toward the kitchen before looking back at his youngest charge.
"Keep drinking that young man, I will be right back."
Tim merely made a non-committal noise before taking another sip. He rubbed at his face and was in the process of taking another sip when Alfred came back into the dining room, a lighter look on his face.
"Master Dick wishes to see you!"
And Tim nearly spit out his drink.