a few months before our fifth anniversary, i noticed that momoko had a...change in behavior, as best as i could describe it as.
at first, i excused it because during the first weeks, her grandfather—whom i learned she was incredibly close with—had passed away, and she'd taken a longer time than the rest of her family to grieve. i was there for her during that time, and she stayed at my apartment for a while, to "have a little solitude with the one i love," as she worded it.
eventually, after the time she took to grieve, she was gradually getting better. she was her usual cheery self and everything went back to normal, yet i would still find her quietly mourning over her grandfather, and i can't blame her.
but after about two months since the passing, momoko was more distant, more cold.. it was like she was her high school self again, except she was a bit more sweeter, or at least, trying to be.
i couldn't see the spark she had in her eye whenever she'd look at me. i don't know what happened, but it's worrying me.
there was a period of time where momoko stopped visiting me at my apartment completely. she would only communicate with me on texts or calls, and she wouldn't seem herself if we ever met. it was more like she was trying to keep "us" alive than actively being "us," if that makes sense.
i suspected that something was going on at home, so i gave her some time. after all, she can't always be happy, and she'd need a little break from the world, even from the people she holds dear. i would still check up on her; i didn't want her to feel like i didn't care. and besides, i did care, and i was worried.
it did feel empty without her, if i'm to be honest, and it sort of broke my heart that she was acting this way because of something that affected her mental health.
i was especially worried when our fifth anniversary was approaching. i didn't know if we'd get to spend the day together or not, or if she'll even remember it, considering her mental state. i doubted whether to remind her or not.
aside from the whole situation with momoko, i couldn't contact suzuki after i saw her that day at the park. that was almost a year ago, and it was like an enchanting specter that uncannily resembled her was sent by the universe to fool me and disrupt my mind.
her words before she left again stuck to my mind, and they'd always find their way back to me whenever something occurs that reminds me of her. i didn't know how to feel about the whole thing—what with me being in a relationship, but thinking of another girl? i felt like a scumbag, and maybe i really was.
one day, after all her shenanigans, momoko started acting just as usual, her cheery, loud self, and it didn't feel like she was trying to keep the relationship alive, rather she was "being" in it. my worries died down, and we went back to normal, much to my relief. i was worried i did something, or i was being too much or too less towards her.
she was staying over a few nights at my apartment around that time, and it would be about two months until our fifth anniversary. i was in the living room then, and she was in the bedroom perhaps taking a nap or reviewing her notes from university, i didn't know, but i let her be, since she needed to be alone for both things.
she had come out of the room and lied down on the sofa next to me, her arms around my waist and her cheek resting on my chest. she had a thoughtful expression on her face, and the small pout on her lips courtesy of her cheek being pressed added a somber aura to that thoughtfulness. i shut my phone and put it aside, then stared down at her and stroked her hair, an action i usually did whenever i sensed she was feeling down. it would usually uplift her.
i felt her shift in her position and wrap her arms around my waist tighter. that was my cue to ask her what was bothering her.
"is it university?" i added. "or do you miss your granddad again?"
momoko's pout grew and she hugged me tighter. "no, it's not that.." she trailed off, sighing. "um... you remember suzuki?"
my heartbeat picked up at the mention of suzuki. i greatly hope that, while her head's on my chest, momoko didn't feel or notice its increase. i froze momentarily once suzuki was brought up, but i soon resumed stroking momoko's hair to try and play it off. i hummed to answer her question.
"i... do. the girl in our first year of high school, right?" i felt momoko nod against my chest at my inquiry. "what's with her? i thought you two weren't friends."
"you're right," she muttered. "but i came across her the other day, you know."
she was here? was she always here? and i didn't know?
i just hope that momoko doesn't notice my tension..
"o-oh?" damn it, i stuttered. "what happened?"
she sighed before speaking.
"well, we talked," she began. "we caught up and whatever, you know. then i asked her if she was still mad i bullied her, because she didn't really do anything, and i apologized to her face-to-face. she said she forgot it even happened and forgave me for it and i asked her if we could be friends."
i saw her give a small smile at the memory, and undoubtedly i had one on my face as well. suzuki was always quick to forgive.
"she agreed," momoko continued. "and i got her number and social networks too. i asked her if she liked you back then, and if she does now. you know, because i was curious and she seemed to like you."
oh, i certainly hope she does.
"she.. she said she still likes you. i like that she was honest with me. but she said she knows we're together and respects that, so she won't try anything and she'll find someone for herself."
oh.. oh my gosh, no..
"now that we mentioned that, riki, do you like me?"
that was a recurring question that she'd ask randomly, and i'd always answer her within a heartbeat. i don't know why she felt i didn't like her, but i.. sort of did. my heart was divided between her and suzuki, but now that she reappeared.. i don't know. i took a second to reply, and i think momoko took my hesitance as a denial to her question.
"riki," she spoke. "listen. ever since suzuki left, i always thought you liked her. maybe even before that—you kissed her in high school, you know?"
my heart dropped at that. i don't know what to say..
"i don't know what was going on between you two, but i always had that thought at the back of my mind. even now. i refused to believe it, but i see it now."
she paused and sat upright to look at me. i sat up as well.
"and besides.. i think you noticed that i've been distant lately."
i licked my lips and looked down, nodding to agree to her statement. she gave a dry chuckle and continued.
"yeah, because.. i didn't... feel the same anymore, you know."
at that, my head shot up. "y—you're saying...?"
she nodded. "yeah, i kind of.. fell out of love, you know.." her voice cracked a little as she looked down at her hands that were on top of mine. "these past few months, i've been thinking about our relationship and stuff.. i felt like i was trying too hard, and that your heart was divided between me and her, you know?"
i don't know, but i felt guilty that she felt that way.
"i—i'm sorry you felt that way, momoko," i breathed. "i.. i do love you, and—"
"you did," she corrected me. "and i did too. i loved you. you were nothing short of sweet to me, and i could see you were trying to forget suzuki for me. i know you were."
"momoko—"
"i'm thankful for that," she interrupted me. "i felt loved during these four years, and i hope you did too. i think we should.. stop this whole thing, you know? your heart is split into two between us, and i... i didn't.."
"i understand," i assured her, a halfhearted smile on my lips. i did love momoko, even if not in the way i'm supposed to, so it saddens me that we might possibly part ways like this. "you don't have to finish that. i understand."
momoko smiled gratefully and nodded. "we can still be friends, you know. our hearts were.. too attached for a minute."
i nodded.
"so, my mom called me earlier," she changed the subject. "she told me i had to come home, so i'll leave you alone for a bit."
she stood up and grabbed her phone as she said that.
"oh, by the way, do you want suzuki's number?" she added with a knowing smile. her question caught me off guard, and i didn't know how to answer it, given our previous conversation. "when i ran into her, i told her you wanted to talk to her. i gave her your number."
her last sentence came out with sly chuckles. "so? do i give it to you?"
if she had my number for so long, then why didn't she call or text...?
"hey, i'll just give it to you. here." she snatched my phone and tapped the screen a few times, glancing between my phone and her own as she copied suzuki's number into mine. "there you go."
as she was about to leave, i stood up and followed her to the door.
"momoko," i called, stopping her in her tracks. she hummed and turned to face me. "um... thank you, for that. you handled it well. and.. thank you... for.. your understanding. i hope this didn't affect you."
she smiled and shook her head as she took my hands. "it's okay, it's okay. i also fell out of love, you know. now, i won't stand in between you two, so talk to her."
and with one more smile, she left me alone in the apartment. i don't know if i should be happy or not, but for the most part, i'm happy.
i'm glad we were on good terms, though.
epilogue 1