Tonks sat at the dining table, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. She had hardly slept since the confrontation on the roof where they guessed Harry was being... mistreated, and that was three days ago.
She looked at the mirror hanging across from her and frowned for a minute, trying to make her appearance look a little like Harry's. Soon enough she had dark raven hair and bright eyes.
It looked wrong. Like after everything they think Harry's been through his eyes wouldn't be so bright. Tonks sighed, changing her hair and eyes back to normal and taking a sip of her coffee.
It has been two days since she stunned- then felt the need to put a sleep spell for real rest- both Sirius and Harry, and neither of them had woken up. She's a little afraid she put a too strong of spell on them, but after glancing at Harry's record (and the twins amusing stories), she assumes he'll be fine and this isn't the first time.
There was a quick debate shortly after she and Remus had gotten Sirius and Harry settled on telling the order or waiting until Harry gives them the full details. Thankfully the meetings weren't as often as they used to be and questions weren't asked.
Tonks sighed and glanced at the clock. Perhaps five-thirty was too early to be drinking coffee that'll be in her system the rest of the day.
She heard footsteps coming down the stairs and watched as the door creaked open and a very sleepy and very confused Harry was standing there. He looked mildly surprised at Tonks being awake, probably because there was a floating joke that Tonks was hardly able to get up for work in the morning.
She gave a small smile and conjured up a second coffee, pushing it towards him and gesturing to a chair. Tonks watched as Harry sat down gingerly and took a small sip of his coffee, scrunching up his nose a bit at the heat.
"How are you?" Tonks asked tentatively.
He shrugged, frowning slightly and deliberately not making eye contact.
She sighed. "Look, I'm sorry I stunned you, but you looked like you were thinking about jumping. I also stunned Sirius so that he doesn't go after the... them, and he hit the roof pretty hard and then the sleep spell and that was two days ago. Do you have any questions?"
Harry shook his head, briefly meeting her eyes, then hesitated. "I'm sorry," he croaked, staring down into his foamy coffee.
Tonks started. "Sorry?
Harry swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I ran away. I'm sorry I'm an obscrual. I'm sorry I ran away again when I saw Professor Lupin. I'm sorry I pointed my wand at you. I'm sorry I pretended to escape. I'm sorry I jumped out the window. I'm sorry I tried to get away again. I'm sorry I threw the book, having you feel the need to stun us both. I'm sorry I don't trust anyone enough to be honest. I'm sorry I exist." He shut his mouth at the last one. He didn't mean for it to slip out- for any of it to slip out-, much like the tears forming in his eyes.
Tonks stared at him. "Your sorry?" she asked. "Your sorry? I feel like all of us should've payed more attention to the signs. I don't blame you for running- what was that last one?"
Harry shook his head, still staring at his coffee, trying to blink back the tears.
"You're sorry you exist?" Tonks whispered.
Harry shut his eyes and nodded, his breath coming in ragged gasps and tears flowing like rivers down his cheeks.
"Who's told you these things?"
"Vernon. Dudley. Petunia sometimes. Nightmares. People around the neighborhood... myself," his voice wavered.
He pushed his cup away, no longer wanting to be more awake, and rested his head on the table. He didn't notice when Tonks stood up and moved around to the same side as Harry. She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"You shouldn't have to be sorry for all those things," she said softly.
"Still am," Harry responded, not looking up.
Tonks heard the door creak a little and saw Sirius trying to sneak in, and judging by his expression, he had heard all of Harry's apologies. Tonks removed her hand from his shoulder and backed into the corner as Sirius slipped into a seat beside him.
"She's right you know." Tonks saw Harry grow stiff when Sirius spoke.
Harry didn't respond and they were both silent for a long moment. For Tonks the silence was murder. She hated the quiet and tense, that's why Fred and George are her favorite. She wonders what they're doing now.
"Are you disappointed?" Harry whispered, still not moving and jolting Tonks out of her thoughts.
She saw Sirius frown. "Disappointed?"
"In the letter. You said you were disappointed in my poor choices."
They all lapsed into silence again as Tonks' could practically see the gears whirring in Sirius' head on how to respond to this near-broken teenager.
"Well I didn't know then," Sirius finally said.
"Are you now?" Harry asked, lifting head and Tonks could see the unshed tears swimming in his eyes.
Sirius put his arm around Harry immediately drawing back when Harry jumped out of his seat. Sirius got up as well. She didn't think she imagined the fear in Harry's eyes.
"No," Sirius said simply, trying to move closer to Harry but he kept evading him, moving to the other side of the table when he almost found himself in a corner.
Sirius' expression said nothing, but his eyes told all. Harry was the same, but instead of his eyes betraying the guilt and uncertainty, his spoke of hurt and neglect and fear.
"Where's Remus?" Tonks' asked, wanting to get as far away from these two as possible.
"In his room," Sirius responded, not taking his eyes off his godson.
Tonks' muttered a thanks and left the room, going to get the level-headed one to sort this out.
Once Tonks left Sirius sat down at the table, staring at Harry. Harry stared right back, and anyone who would've been in the room could've sworn that they were trying to read each other's mind.
"What'd he do to you?" Sirius asked after what felt like an eternity.
"Who?" Harry asked.
"You know who."
"Voldemort?" Harry asked, deciding to play stupid. "Well there was my first year where he was on the back of Quirrells' head, and my second year where he possessed Ginny through a diary and I had to stab the diary to get rid of him, and last year certainly wasn't f-"
"Stop stop stop," Sirius said, putting his hands in the air as though he could stop Harry's words from flowing across the table. "You know who I mean."
Harry hesitated before sitting back down and placating a bored expression on his face. "Nope."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. It had seemed like he was about to say something. "Are you sure?"
"Nope."
The response had once again decided that it's purpose of being spoken was more important when compared to Harry's constant no no no nope warning bells going off inside his head.
Sirius' stare was so intense that it seemed like he was trying to read his mind.
"He struck you?" Sirius suddenly growled, making Harry jump.
"Where was that ever spoken?" Harry asked.
"Didn't need to be spoken for someone to understand," he growled back, his eyes flashing and beginning to pace. It strongly reminded Harry of his uncle pacing before him when he had saved his ungrateful cousin from dementors. Right before-
"No," Harry thought, shutting his eyes and pressing his fingers to his temples as though to stop the memories from flooding out. "No no no no no. That was NOT your fault." But the memories from that punishment would stay forever likely.
Sirius had stopped his pacing to try and read his godson's face when he noticed that Harry had shut his eyes that didn't stop tears. Concerned for his mental health as well as physical, Sirius moved over to the other side of the table, right where Harry couldn't escape without running into him.
He put a gentle hand on his shoulder and began to shake him lightly.
"Harry? Harry are you alright?"
Harry's breathing had rapidly increased and was trembling uncontrollably. Sirius looked over at the doorframe, hoping for Remus or Tonks to be back. They weren't.
"Harry!"
His eyes shot open, tears still leaking down his face. "Why does he hate me?" he whispered, sounding like a small child.
Sirius sat down beside Harry, and to his relief, Harry didn't make an effort to move away. He just stared at the table and his breathing decreased.
"They don't hate you," Sirius said softly, his hand still on Harry's shoulder.
Harry scoffed and set his head on the table. Sirius removed his hand from his shoulder and gave him an awkward one armed hug. He didn't think he was imagining the uneven bumps under his jacket.
"If they don't hate me why am I an Obscrual?" Harry retorted.
At that Sirius had nothing to say and sat in silence for so long that Harry eventually drifted off into what he hoped was real sleep. The sleep spell didn't always grant those with good rest.
He waited until he was sure that Harry wouldn't wake up, and then get gently picked him up and carried him to the couch. It was soft enough to count as a bed and they'd be able to see when he wakes up.
Sirius covered his godson with a light green blanket and sat by his head, watching the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Soon he fell asleep as well.
•~~~~~•
Tonks had found Remus in his room and was briefly describing what Harry had said. He looked paler than usual but his jaw was set. However once they reached the kitchen it was empty.
Remus whirled around to Tonks. "Where are they?"
She shrugged. She double checked the pantry as Remus went to the drawing room.
Tonks was tempted to call out for them and was about to when Remus began gesturing to her to follow. She gave a small smile and mouthed the word 'sweet' to Remus when she saw the both of them asleep on the couch. He nodded in return, but he still wore a small expression, enough to to let Tonks know that he needed a minute. She apparated back to her home.