Titig na titig ako kay Hezekiah ngayon na parang nanginginig na siya sa harap ko sa dahilang hindi ko alam. Hindi ko mahulaan kung anong emosyon niya ngayon. He looks scared, tired and hurt. I tried to understand him but I just can't. Hindi ko siya maintindihan.
Nagsasabi nga siya ng totoo pero minsan ay hindi siya nagsasabi sa'kin kung anong ginagawa niya. Hindi lahat sinasabi niya dahil may mga bagay na hindi niya sinabi sa'kin gaya nang pagsama niya kay Lean pumili ng susuotin.
"Caprice," he called but I'm too dumb to move.
Nakaupo ako sa kama niya—nakatingala sa kanya. He's standing in front of me, towering my small body. My expression is just blank while he shows me every emotions he feels right now. Nandiyan ang takot, pagsisisi, pagod at sakit.
Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit siya nasasaktan! Nasasaktan ba siya dahil nandito akong paharang-harang sa kanila ni Lean? Ang gulo niya! Minsan pinaparamdam niya sa'king ako lang, minsan naman ay pinaparamdam niya sa'king wala lang ako sa kanya. Na pang kama lang ako.
"Why didn't you tell me? You're with Lean, you accompanied her to buy dress which you never did to me. What am I really to you, Hezekiah?" walang emosyong tanong ko na lalong nagpausbong ng takot sa mga mata niya. Ano? Takot siya sa pinapakita ko ngayon?
He walked closer to me and lean down to claim my hands. Hinayaan ko siya at hindi nagpakita ng reaksyon sa ginawa niya. Blangko lang ang ekspresyon ko, hindi ko siya hinayaang basahin ako. Para lang akong walang silbing blangkong libro. Na hindi man lang mabasa-basa dahil walang naman talagang mababasa kung blangko.
"Hindi ko sinabi sa'yo dahil hindi importante, Caprice. Hindi lang ako ang sinamahan siya, kasama ko si Kuya at Lyte, you saw them right? Wala lang iyon, Caprice. It doesn't have any meaning to me. I didn't even want to do that." His voice is pleading.
"Then why did you come with her when you didn't even want to? Oh fuck," marahan akong tumawa na may halong pait. "Parausan mo nga lang pala—"
"Damn no! Alam mong hindi ganyan ang turing ko sa'yo, Caprice! Don't say that," nagmamakaawa ang mga mata niyang pakinggan ko siya at hindi mag-isip ng kung ano-ano. "You are my girlfriend."
"Then why do I feel like I'm just your toy, Avis! You don't share you plans to me! I feel like you just took me here with you to play!"
Bumilis ang paghinga ko dahil sa sama ng loob ko sa kanya. I know this is petty but I cannot ignore it. I wanted to lessen the trigger he's giving me by making it clear to him. I wanted his assurance, I wanted his faithfulness.
"Baby, no. Listen to me, okay?" He wiped my tears that is falling now. Hindi ko man lang napansin na napaiyak na pala ako. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa mga kamay ko. "Lean and I is over. I never loved her, I don't want her and never will be. Noong nakita mong kami lang dalawa ang magkasama, akala ko nasa likod ko lang sina Kuya at Lyte kaya hindi ko na iniisip pa iyon. I'm sorry for not telling you this. I just thought it's not important so I just ignored it."
I sighed deeply to calm myself. Fuck. He's the worse. How could he make me bring the real me? Nakakainis dahil siya ang dahilan kung bakit nagugulo ako. Siya ang dahilan ng pagkakaroon ko ng pag-asa pero siya rin ang dahilan ng pagbabalik ng mga gusto kong itago na.
Alam kong wala siyang kasalanan dahil ako ang umasa. Ako ang naging malambot.
"I'm so sorry, Caprice. I promise this won't happen again. I'll update you everything about what's going on with me. Please, just don't think something worse," sabi niya gamit ang malambing niyang boses.
When he saw me fully calmed now, binuhat niya ako at siya ang umupo sa kama. He put me on his lap as I wrap my arms around his neck. Maybe I'm the one who's being shallow between us. Maliit na bagay lang iyon pero grabi na kung makareact ako.
My tears started to fall nonstop again. The thought of him being tired of my attitude terrifies me. Natatakot akong magsawa siya sa ugali ko at iwan na lang niya ako.
"Fuck. I'm sorry, baby. I don't know it will hurt you so much... Forgive me please."
He kept cursing to himself when I cannot stop myself from crying. Mahigpit na rin ang yakap niya sa'kin habang hinahalikan niya ang ulo ko.
Nang medyo huminahon ang iyak ko ay doon lamang ako nagsalita. "Are you going to l-leave me?"
My voice broke asking that question. I buried my face to his neck and continued sobbing. Hinayaan niya ako and he even buried my face more on his neck.
"Fucking no. What made you think I'll leave you?" Ramdam kong nahihirapan siya at hindi ko alam kung bakit. It looks like he's enduring something.
"I-I told you, H-Hezekiah. Having me is never been easy. M-Mahihirapan ka sa'kin and you don't know me yet."
"Then let me know you more. I will never leave you, Caprice. No matter what. Just don't leave me too, please. I promise to inform you everything about me just don't think of going back in your Grandmother's mansion," he begged.
"Okay," mahina kong sagot na nakapikit na.
Dahil pagod ako sa shopping namin ni Alex kanina at dumagdag pa ang pag-uusap namin, nakatulugan ko na ang pag-uusap namin. I slept on his shoulders while he caresses my hair.
"Sleep well, love."
I'm not sure if I really heard that from him or it's just a dream. Nagising na lang akong gabi na. I roamed my eyes until it settled on his naked back. He's holding his phone and it's obvious he's talking with someone over it.
"Yes po, Tita. I'll tell, Caprice about it," he said before ending the call.
My eyebrows raised when I realized it was my mom. Why did she call Hezekiah when she can call me?
Humarap siya at eksatong dumapo sa'kin ang mga mata niya. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa hubad niyang katawan. Kung nasa mood lang sana ako ay baka ako na mismo ang nag-aya sa kanyang gawin iyon.
He walked towards me and sat beside me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me closer to him.
"Your mom called. She's saying she wants to invite you tomorrow lunch at their mansion. Do you want to go there?" he asked as he start to play my hair.
Hindi ko pa rin nakakalimutan ang nangyari pero unti-unti ay naintindihan ko naman ang paliwanag niya. I believed him because I felt his sincerity earlier. I know he's not lying but I can't help being hurt.
"May klase ako bukas," I said in a weak voice.
I heard him cursed when he heard my voice. I'm sure he's blaming himself now. Kasalanan naman talaga niya kung bakit ako ganito ngayon. Pinaiyak niya ako, eh. Hindi naman ako iyakin pero nasobrahan lang kasi ang tumamang sakit sa akin.
I'm not sure why I'm hurt earlier. Is it because he betrayed me? Or for not telling me where he's going? I think both. Ang hirap naman kasing mag-isip ng matino tungkol sa dalawang taong magkasama na may nakaraan. They might talk about their past and decide to give another shot. I'm thinking too much.
"That's alright, it's just lunch. Doon na lang tayo kakain," he said as he carry me to put on his top.
Napanguso ako dahil madalas niya akong nilalagay sa ibabaw niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng kanyang katawan dahil sa wala siyang pang-itaas. Buti na lang at nakapants siya.
"Okay."
I lean down to kiss his neck. He groaned but I ignore him. Napansin ko kasing nawawala na ang marka sa leeg niya kaya lalagyan ko ulit siya para malaman ng lahat na akin siya. Hindi ko tatakpan ng concealer para makita ng lahat.
I kissed his neck and he tilted it the opposite side to give me more access. Alam kong nagpipigil siya pero pinagbigyan pa rin niya ako.
"Caprice, your father might see that. I have a meeting with him tomorrow morning. He will think that I take women home with me while you're here," he said trying to stop me but it didn't come that way.
May ungol ang kakaunting lumalabas sa bibig niya habang sinisipsip ko ang halos lahat ng parte ng leeg niya. Dila, sipsip at kagat ang ginawa ko. He let me because I know he's enjoying this.
Tumigil lang ako nang makontento na. I sat on his stomach while I look down on him. Nakapikit siya ng mariin habang mahigpit ang kapit ng mga kamay niya sa baywang ko. I grinded ng hips that made him groan but more likely a moan.
"Stop it, Caprice. If you want something, just ask me. Huwag mong idaan sa mga galawan mong iyan."
He opened his eyes and I saw lust and desire burn his eyes. I removed my shirt na nagpa-awang ng kanyang bibig. I just throw it somewhere at sinunod ko ang bra ko. Titig na titig siya sa dibdib ko ngayon at tila nauuhaw siya sa nakikita niya ngayon.
"I want to suck you, Hezekiah."
"Oh shit!" he cursed and closed his eyes once again. Napakurapkurap ako dahil parang ayaw niya. He opened his eyes. "No, Caprice. I don't want you to go down on me because I should be the one doing that, okay? You're a queen, my queen and I, Hezekiah, is only allowed to bow down on you."
I nodded slowly and let him do what he wants to my body.
"Mukha kang puyat, Caprice. Anong nangyari?" Ang inosenteng boses ni Alex ang bumungad sa'kin.
I just shook my head and even yawned in front of her. "Hindi ako makatulog kagabi kaya nakipaglaro muna ako."
I hid my smirk because of what I thought. I want to corrupt Alex's mind but for sure Kuya Lyte will get mad at me. Madudumihan ko pa ang utak ng babae niya.
Tumaas ang kilay niya sa pagtataka. Nagtataka siguro siya kung anong nilaro ko. I giggled at the thought of it. Si Hezekiah and nilaro ko, Alex. Alam mo kung ano ang nilaro ko sa kanya? Ang sandata niya.
Gusto ko sanang isubo pero ayaw niya. He only let me touch it. Kaya nilubos ko na. Gusto kong sabihin kay Alex iyon pero ayaw kong masira lang ang isip niya sa'kin. Mahirap nang ibalik ang inosenteng pag-iisip.
"Nakipaglaro? Ng ano?" she asked curiously.
Hindi naman sigurong masamang turuan ko siya ng konti, 'no? Hindi bali, no one will know. Siya lang at ako.
"Oo. If you can't sleep, find someone you can play with. Just close your eyes and let him do whatever he wants to your body. After that, makakatulog ka na ng mahimbing," I said satisfied to her reaction. Manghang-mangha kasi siya at talagang naniwala sa sinabi ko.
Lumalabas na naman ang pagkapilya ko. I just smiled it off. Sobra kasing inosente ng babaeng ito. She's homeschooled until her senior years. Ngayong college siya nag-aral sa totoong school kaya wala siyang kaalam-alam.
Ewan ko lang kung anong tinuturo ng personal teacher niya noon dahil pati sex na inaaral ng grade 5 ay hindi niya alam. She actually knew but it's all about scientific. She doesn't know what cum is, she doesn't know the "sarap" in it. Mahihirapan talaga ang lalaking angkinin siya.
"So it should be with a man?" she asked once again. She really looks interested, huh?
"Yeah, but you should do it with a man who doesn't have a girlfriend." I smirked when I thought about Kuya Lyte. Sigurado akong magagalit iyon.
Nakichismis ako kanina kay Hezekiah kung anong meron kay Alex at Kuya Lyte at sinabi naman sa'kin ni Hezekiah.
How chismoso right?
Her face lit up. "Okay! Thank you for telling me that!"
"Alexandrei," I called when I thought something shit again. "Is Kuya Lyte bothering you?"
Nagtaka siya sa tanong ko pero sinagot niya pa rin. "No, but he keeps touching and kissing me. Is that normal? He said it's normal when I asked him that. Sabi kasi ni mom kapag may girlfriend na ang lalaki ay hindi ko na dapat pinapatulan."
"Oh."
Hindi na kataka-taka kung inuto ito ni Kuya Lyte. Pare-pareho kasi silang mga Salvatore, pare-parehong mga gago.
"He lied to you. You shouldn't let him touch and kiss you because he has a girlfriend. Maghanap ka ng ibang lalaki, okay? Basta huwag lang ang lalaking may girlfriend na kasi masama iyon, magagalit ang girlfriend niya."
Napasinghap siya at tinakpan pa niya ang kanyang bibig gamit ang dalawang palad. "Is that mean Leah will get mad at me?"
"Yes. So you should keep this a secret and don't tell anyone, okay? Magagalit si Leah sa'yo at baka may gawin siyang masama. Kaya layuan at huwag mong pansinin si Kuya Lyte, okay?" I encouraged her.
Kuya Lyte is still in a relationship and he's basically cheating on Leah. Dinadamay pa niya ang inosenteng si Alexandrei sa kalokohan niya. May pagkatanga rin ang mga Salvatore. Hindi nila iniisip ang mararamdaman ng mga maapektuhan nila. Ang sariling nararamdaman at ang taong mga mahal lang nila ang iniisip nila.
"Okay, Caprice."
The class started and we both listen to our teacher. Maraming nakikipag-usap sa'kin at nagtatanong pero hindi ko masyadong pinapansin. Si Alex lagi ang sumasagot sa mga tanong nila kahit hindi niya alam ang sinasagot niya. Natatawa lang tuloy ang mga nagtatanong.
The morning class is already done. Sa grupo nina Leah sumasama si Alex sa tanghali at uwian kaya mag-isa ako sa mga oras na iyon. Hinintay ko lang si Hezekiah dahil may usapan kaming kina Mom kami magla-lunch.
"How's class?" Hezekiah asked when I entered his car.
"Great! Alexandrei is still the only friend I have!" masigla kong sagot. I felt so good right now.
"You want to have more?" he asked as he started the car.
"No. She's already enough. She's really so innocent. I'm scared I say something bulgar," sabi ko sa kanya. Kinuwento ko ang usapan namin kanina ni Alex. Pati ang mga naging topic namin sa klase ay sinasali ko.
"You sure you didn't say something more to her? Baka may tinuro kang kakaiba?" His eyes are like hawk gaping me, studying my reaction.
Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin. "Hindi, a! Hindi ko naman sisirain ang inosenteng isip nu'n!"
"I'm not saying you'll do it. I'm just asking if you taught her something shitty, Caprice. Knowing you." He gave me a knowing look. Nangingiti ako kaya tinago ko ang mga ngiti kong iyon. Ang gwapo niya talaga.
What happened last night keeps replaying on my mind. And sarap kasi niya. Kaya ako napuyat dahil hindi kami matapos-tapos sa mga ginagawa niya. Gustong-gusto niya, e. Hirit siya nang hirit ng ilang round.
"Are you judging me?" I asked pretending to be pissed.
Mabilis siyang tumingin sa'kin at umiling-iling. "That's not what—"
"It is your point." Then I glared at him that made him groan.
"Yes, but—"
"You. Are. Judging. Me."
"Fine. I'm not judging you but I know you, little girl." He sighed as he focuses on the road.
Umirap ako at nanggigil. Parehas kaming natahimik at kung saan-saan lumipad ang isip ko. Kakain kami kina Mom at makikita ko na naman ang pamilya niya. Magtitiis na naman akong makita silang masaya sa harap ko.
Hindi ko maintindihan noon kung bakit naghihiraman ang mga magulang ko sa'kin. I was four when I started to think everything that is happening to my life. Kung bakit iba ang pamilya ng nanay ko at iba rin kay Dad. Marami akong tanong noon na hindi ko man sila matanong dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko itatanong at ano ang dapat kong itanong.
Noong ten lang ako saka ko naintindihan ang lahat. Guess how I knew everything. Of course it was Hezekiah who said it to me. He's my first bully remember? Siya ang nagsabi sa'kin na anak ako sa labas ng parehong magulang ko at inasar-asar niya iyon sa'kin. Ilang beses niya na akong pinaiyak dahil sa rasong iyon.
He kept saying I'm their treason. Ang sakit niya magsalit noon sa'kin kaya talaga mas ginusto kong manirahan sa California. He's 17 that time and he's such a jerk.
"What are you thinking?"
Nakuha ng tanong ni Hezekiah ang atensyon ko. I looked at him slowly when he saw the emotions in my eyes. I saw how his jaw clenched when he glanced at me. Dumilim din ang tingin niya at humigpit ang kapit niya sa manubela.
His other hand crawled to my thigh and let it rest there. I let him because it somehow calm me.
"Uh... Just some things..." mahinang sagot ko dahil alam ko kung ano ang madadatnan ko mamaya sa bahay nina Mom. Makakaharap ko na naman ang asawa niyang walang ginawa kundi bastusin ako.
He fucking touched me before.
He fucking watch me change my clothes before.
Akala ko ayos lang iyon dahil tatay siya ng kapatid ko at walang malisya pero habang lumalaki ako ay napagtanto kong maling-mali pala. Umiling-iling ako at humawak sa kamay ni Hezekiah na nasa hita ko. I shouldn't think of those things when I know it was a big trigger to my nightmares.
"Tell me," he demanded with his cold and angry voice.
Galit siya dahil alam niyang nasasaktan ako and it feels damn good. Iyong may nagagalit sa tuwing nasasaktan ako. Iyong may nakikiramay tuwing mahina ako. Ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam.
"I-I just thought of Mom's husband," hirap na hirap kong sagot dahil ni pangalan niya hindi ko mabanggit. Sure it was nothing to me before when I say it. Iyon ay noong kaya kong magpanggap sa harap niya pero ngayong hubad na hubad ako ay hindi ko na kayang itago ang mga nararamdaman ko.
"You have me, Caprice. Nandito lang ako, okay? Hindi ko hahayaang may gawin siya sa'yo. Naiintindihan mo?"
...