(057a - A Lesson On Forgiveness Part 1)
Enjoy ❤️✨
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𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘
(Hilary Idara Eghosa)
Cold.
That was all I could feel. Cold.
I could feel the chilling sensation all the way to the tip of my fingers and the curve of my ears, biting into my skin like I was having frostbite all over. It was like needles, prickling my skin painfully, a burning feeling as it penetrated the pores of my body and froze up my blood, icing it up till I was rigid, unmovable.
It felt like my muscles were completely frozen. Numb
Even though I was wrapped up in a blanket, buried under more and more layers of duvet, the cold was still excruciating. It was hard to tell if the unusual cold was coming from the buzzing air conditioner, or if was just the cold hands of death finally coming to take me away.
Either way, it was so painful. But I needed this physical pain to numb the agonizing pain that filled my heart.
It wasn't working.
If anything, it was getting worse. And it scared me so much because it felt like it might never go away.
Is this how damaged I am? Damaged beyond repair?
It's been months. Months since Henry passed and I have still not gotten over everything that happened. I've still not gotten over the feeling of overwhelming sadness, the feeling of guilt, the feeling of hatred, the feeling of unforgiveness... feelings I knew for a fact were eating me up from the inside out... feelings that were consuming me.
And no, those feelings weren't just channeled at Jidenna Okojie. They were channeled at me.
A bulk of those feelings, I felt it for myself. And it seemed to have intensified after what happened earlier this week.
And it's killing me slowly. Painfully.
I hate this feeling. This feeling of emptiness that seems to have built up to an irreversible point. This feeling of void that has created a big hole in my heart. This feeling of hollowness that I have ignored and consciously allowed myself to be caged in for so long.
If only Jidenna had not brought it all back. Maybe, just maybe I'd have been able to live with it being buried deep down in the deepest, darkest parts of me.
I was okay with acting like it was all in the past. Acting like he didn't exist made it a whole lot easier to pretend as if it was all forgotten and gone, and everything was okay. Being around my friends... being around Simi made it so much easier to forget for just a flitting moment what pain felt like... what guilt felt like. What self-loathing felt like.
Because with them... with him, I felt loved. In the most remarkable way.
But my friends can't always be there.
And the one person that was always there, readily available to be by my side no matter what, I pushed him so far away.
That left me open and vulnerable. I was already tipping over the edge, my mind already on the brink of collapse. All Jidenna had to do was push me over and I was falling.
I'm still falling... deeper and deeper into oblivion.
I hate the void. I hate the emptiness. I hate the hollowness.
But I'm lost in the darkness and can't seem to find my way out.
I need help.
Help me... please.
"Hilary,"
Mum's voice sounded so distant, but I knew she was the one calling me and she was calling from the back of my closed door. I didn't move a muscle from where I was lying down. The door wasn't locked and I knew it was only a matter of time before Mum turned the knob and see that the door's unlocked.
She did just that, walking in as soon as she got the door opened. I heard the door close a moment after.
"Jesus, Hilary!" She exclaimed, her frantic footsteps advancing into the room. "Why is this place so dark and cold?" She was asking me, talking to me.
Still, I didn't move a muscle.
I heard her mumbling some incoherent words to herself, followed by a little bit of clatter of ceramics, an indication that she had brought another tray of food and was setting it down on the table. I heard her footsteps again, wasn't sure what she was doing until the buzzing of the air conditioner stopped, indicating that she had put it off. The frigid cold I was feeling started to melt away, slowly.
Still, I didn't move a muscle.
Not until mum went to my window and threw open the drapes, forcing the mid-day sun into my room in a way that hit me directly in the face.
I felt an instant headache.
"Close it! Too bright!" I groaned hoarsely, throwing the blanket over my head to block the ray of sunlight from my face.
"Close what?" Mum snapped back at me. "Are you a vampire that you are shying away from the sunlight, locking yourself up in a dark and cold room all this while? Ehn Hilary?"
Oh, God.
"Mummy, please," I begged from underneath my blanket, "Please give me a break. I'm not in the mood," I pleaded with her, hoping that she would just leave me alone and let me go back to my solitude.
To my pain.
But nope. It seemed like this woman decided that today, she'd be on my case.
"You've had enough break!" She retorted, and from the tone of her voice, she sounded very frustrated and exhausted with me. I can't even begin to imagine what the look on her face was.
"Since Monday, Hilary," She continued speaking, her voice still hard. "You have been like this since we picked you up from school on Monday and today is Friday. You haven't even attempted to step a foot out of your room, not to talk of going to school,"
School. I wanted to scoff, but all I did was adjust the duvet properly over my head.
Sleep. Eat. Cry. More Crying. And even more Crying. That has been my daily routine since Monday.
School was the last place I wanted to be right now, not after everything that went down. Just when I thought everyone had forgotten what happened at the beginning of the term, I was back to being in the spotlight. And no, not in the nicest of ways.
My phone has been off since Monday since it wouldn't stop buzzing with messages, not after the show Jidenna and I had put up in the middle of the hallway. I can't begin to imagine the kind of ruckus that was going on in the group chats, not to talk of imagining how the school will literally blow up if I walk in there right now.
I've made up my mind not to step foot into that school for the remaining three weeks we had left in this term. Thank God there was nothing to do anyway so I had an excuse to stay back.
But knowing my parents, especially with the distressing phone call they got to pick me up on Monday, they definitely knew there was something more going on.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them.
"Your dad and I decided to give you all the space you need," Mum continued speaking despite my silence. "We decided to give you enough time to come around and open up to us about what happened in school, but all you have done is lock yourself up in this room for days,-"
Mum sounded so frustrated.
"-What is it? Do you want to kill yourself?!"
For some reason, that last statement triggered the hell out of me. At that moment, I flipped my blanket off my body and stood to my feet, facing mum for the first time since she entered this room, currents of anger and even more irritation flowing through my veins.
"WHAT IF I DO?!"
I snapped, and mum veered back.
She stared at me with utmost shock marred over her face, obviously stupefied by the words I had uttered from my mouth. I knew that she had meant that question to be rhetorical, but I couldn't help the thought that deep down, she meant it.
I couldn't help the thought that at some point, she had probably wished it was me that died in the accident instead of Henry.
"Hilary..." She trailed off, speechless.
"You don't have to act so shocked, mum. I know you still blame me for what happened to Henry," I rapped on, couldn't stop myself from voicing out my thoughts. And I didn't think it was humanly possible for mum's eyes to grow wider, but it did.
As wide as saucers.
"Where is all this coming from?"
She sounded so flabbergasted, so confused like she couldn't understand what I was saying, or why I was saying it. Yet, I couldn't help the thought that she was just trying to play dumb just so that she won't hurt my feelings.
And that single thought that she might be pretending not to know what I was talking about pushed me over the edge. Suddenly, it felt like my mouth wasn't mine anymore, and thoughts that I should have discarded made me blurt out some heavily weighted words before I could stop myself.
"You still blame me, mum!" I snapped again, jabbing my index at her in accusation. She veered back again, placing her hand on her chest as if to ask if I was talking to her. "Stop playing dumb when we both know that deep down, you wish I was the one that died in that accident instead of Henry!"
I didn't see it coming. Probably because it's been ages since either of my parents had laid their hands on me.
But Mum slapped me.
My face jerked to the side, stinging a little. The slap wasn't so hard, but it was hard enough to jolt my mind back to normalcy, causing the effects and implications of those words to dawn on me. Like iced water, I felt instant regret wash over me like a tsunami.
When I turned my face back to look at mum and saw the tears that welled up in my eyes, my heart broke into a million pieces.
"Mummy..."
"How Dare You?"
Her voice wasn't harsh, but I could hear the emotions sipping through with so much bane, beyond icy, and dipping into as completely frigid as ice water. Hearing how undue her voice was, I honestly wished it was anger she was using to speak to me.
Instead, it was pain. Intense pain. And that made it even more excruciating to listen to.
I crossed the line.
"How dare you say such words to me, to my face!" She sounded so pained, so disappointed in me, causing my heart to split into two and fall deep down to the pit of my stomach.
My lips quivered as tears welled up in my eyes and sobs rose in my chest, my palm still resting on the cheek she had slapped. I didn't know what to say, and I knew better than to talk at this point.
I've said more than enough already.
"How can you even think about such a thing, not to talk of opening your mouth to say it to me, your mother? After everything, Hilary. After Everything!"
I flinched at the rise in intensity of her voice.
"I-I didn't m-mean to," I let out in an embarrassingly shaky voice.
"You didn't mean to do what? Insult me? Insult your father?" She asked rhetorically, her gaze hard on me. I looked away in shame, not knowing what to say.
"That's exactly what you just did, Hilary. You just insulted me and your father. You just disrespected us and invalidated our feelings about everything that has been going on.-
We made several promises to you. We've made sure that even after everything that happened, we are never going to make you feel neglected. And by God, I know we have been trying our best to do just that these past few months, but you just threw all our efforts back into our faces with what you just said! Do you even know how that feels!"
Her words hit me like a brick, kicking me right in the guts and knocking the breath out of me. And as if that wasn't a hard enough pill to swallow, I looked up at her in time to see a tear drop from her eyes.
Oh, mum...
She quickly wiped it off, but I had already seen it, and it made the ones that had gathered up like a pool in my eyes fall too.
Mum was crying because of me. Mum was sad because of me.
"Mummy..."
My voice broke, trailing off as tears began to cascade from my eyes. She looked away from me, her chest heaving and her breath coming out in shaky pants. She was trying not to break down in front of me. She was trying not to break down at all.
And that broke my heart even more.
I was letting the darkness that was growing in me spread like a virus.
I have to make this stop. And fast.
"Babe?"
Dad's voice filled the room, alerting both of us to his presence. I wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, but with the curiousness that sipped from his voice, I could safely assume that he just came here. I was supposed to be grateful that he didn't hear what I said, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before Mum told him.
I can't begin to imagine how disappointed he'd also be.
"Babe," He called again, looking right at mum who was backing him. She didn't turn around to face him and she didn't answer him either. And I knew she didn't want him to see her like that.
When Dad got no response from her, he turned to look at me.
"Hilary, what's going on?" He asked me, brows quirked up in question. "I heard shouting. What was that all about?" He asked again, his voice pleading.
Dad desperately wanted to know what was going on but all I could do was wordlessly stare back at him, hands still cradling my face from Mum's slap, tears dropping from my eyes in beads.
What was I even supposed to tell him?
His gaze kept shifting between mum and me as he waited for one of us to answer his question. While I didn't know what to say, I wasn't sure why mum wasn't ratting me out to Dad right now. She was eerily quiet, her head hanging low and breath coming out in shaky puffs as she tried to calm herself down.
I think the fact that she wasn't saying anything made me feel a lot worse. The tears falling from my eyes automatically increased to that effect.
"So nobody is going to tell me what's going on," Dad spoke again after moments of uncomfortable silence, his voice filling up the already tense room.
Still no response from us.
"Hilary," He looked at me, and I averted my gaze from him quickly, my only response being soft sobs escaping my lips.
Dad exhaled, clearly frustrated by our silence.
"Babe," He called mum once more, moving closer into the room and towards her. That finally earned a reaction from her because she straightened up and look right at me in a matter of seconds.
"That's your food," She spoke to me, nodding at the tray with covered plates on it. "Make sure you eat it and rest,"
My heart fell further down to my feet after she said that. The fact that she was still concerned about me eating and resting even after what I said to her after I disrespected her tore my heart into pieces. And that was all she said before she turned around to walk out of the room.
Dad tried to stop her but she held her hands up to him.
"I can't be here,"
She whispered to him, shaking her head. Her voice was quivering, her tone laced with so much hurt that pricked my soul. When she attempted to walk out again, Dad didn't stop her this time. He allowed her to pass and she walked away, leaving the two of us alone in the room.
Then, he turned around to look at me, his shoulders slumped in dejection. It was so obvious that not knowing the reason mum and I were this way was frustrating.
"What happened?" He asked, his voice laced with concerns and his eyes brimming with worry, cajoling me to tell him what was wrong. But when I opened my mouth to speak, words didn't come out. Instead, my soft sobs turned into louder cries.
I ran into Dad's arms and started weeping profusely.
"Hilary..." He trailed off, sounding so confused, yet so concerned, his voice laced with something akin to fear. His hands stayed on either side of him for a second before they came to wrap around me, pulling me into a comforting hug.
My cries increased and I buried my face into his chest.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I mumbled, wrapping my hands loosely around his middle, trying to muffle my embarrassing sob by burying my face further into his chest, my tears wetting his shirt. He didn't seem to mind as he hugged me even tighter.
"It's okay. It's alright, Sunshine," He whispered, his right hand giving my back gentle pats to calm me down while his other hand stayed at the back of my head, cradling my face into his chest. He didn't even know what I was apologizing for, yet he kept saying it was okay. That single thought made me regret my words even more.
It made me feel so selfish.
Dad didn't let me go till I stopped crying, till I was calm. I wasn't even sure how long it took for me to finally stop, but he held me to himself, repeating that everything would be okay, that I was okay as he gently stroked my hair and patted my back.
I allowed his words to keep resonating and replaying in my head, wanting to believe them as much as I could.
Because I was desperate to be okay. I need to be okay.
Dad finally pulled away from me, but not completely. He brought his hands to cradle my face so that he could look at me properly, using his thumb and knuckles alternatingly to clean away the trail of tears on my cheeks. When he was done with that, I thought he'd let me go, but he didn't.
Instead, he looked me directly in the eye and asked again,
"Now, will you please tell me what's going on?"
At this point, I couldn't keep quiet anymore. There was no point hiding anything from him because sooner or later, he'd still find out.
So, I told him everything.
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The uncomfortable silence between us stretched out for what felt like ages.
For the first time since Monday, I was seeing the living room again, not to talk of sitting in it. Dad had managed to get mum out of their room so that we could all talk. We've been seated in the living room for approximately thirty minutes, and I spent roughly twenty minutes out of that thirty kneeling in front of Mum and apologizing to her for the things I said to her, expressing so desperately how I didn't mean them and how much I regretted them.
And for the remaining ten minutes, Mum didn't say anything in response.
It was terrifying.
Whether she accepted my apology, Whether she didn't, I had no idea. She just looked ahead, staring at something that wasn't there with her hands folded across her chest and legs shaking in that typical African mother way. Her face held no expression so I couldn't even read her. And I think it's a lot worse that I don't know what was going on in her mind or what kind of thoughts she had toward me now.
Does she hate me now? I'm honestly beginning to think she hates me.
"Babe," Dad's voice filled the room after another five minutes passed, his eyes trained on mum. "You are not going to say anything?" He asked her.
And for the first time, Mum broke character and turned to look at him.
"What do you expect me to say, Tiosa?" She asked him, sounding exhausted and drained. When Dad exhaled and said nothing, she turned to look at me, and I quickly hung my head to avoid her gaze.
"What are you still doing to the floor, Hilary?" She asked me, her question an indication for me to get up. But I still remained on my knees. "I'm honestly not angry. Get up and sit down,"
She beckoned for me to get up, but I have learned from experience that when a Nigerian mother says they are not angry, that's really when they are angry.
So, I shook my head and remained on my knees.
"Let me stay like this," I answered, my voice hoarse as I have cried so much today. Mum exhaled in response.
"If you stay in that position for a long time, you'll get a leg cramp," She stated calmly, trying to cajole me to get up. But my heart pricked even more that she was being gentle with me, that she was still concerned about me.
"You are still angry with me," I adamantly refused to stand up, tears starting to drop from my eyes again, "I can't get up when you are still angry with me,"
"For God's sake, Hilary, I'm not angry with you. Just get up and sit down," She answered, her voice coming out in a sort of frustrated cry. When I still didn't budge, she turned to look at Dad. "Tiosa, please tell her to stand up," She pleaded with him.
Dad sighed.
"Hilary, oya come and sit down, please," He instructed me, giving no room for me to refuse again. So, I stood up and went to sit on the sofa just beside the couch the both of them were sitting on.
After another few seconds of silence, Mum spoke.
"I'm not angry with you, Hilary," She said, and I sniffed, using the back of my palm to clean the tears off my face. "I don't even have the strength to be angry with you, honestly," She stopped talking, but I felt that there was more she wanted to say.
And there was.
"I'm hurt..."
She revealed shrewdly, her voice breaking just a tiny bit. I could hear the hints of disappointment in her tone and that made my heart clench in my chest. Being hurt... being disappointed was so much worse than being angry. Now I began to wish she was just angry with me. It was easier to handle her being angry than being disappointed.
It was easier to live with if she was angry with me.
When I wanted to speak, to apologize again, she held her hand to stop me, in a way telling me that she wasn't done talking.
"I'm hurt," She repeated. "But I am more scared than I am hurt," She finished, fear twinkling in her eyes as she looked down at it.
It made me wonder what she meant.
"Your words held a lot of weight," She continued, "It made me feel like I..." she trailed off and glanced at Dad. "Like we have been doing something wrong these past few months, like we have not been good enough parents to you.-"
My heart broke at the pain in her voice.
"No, mummy..." I shook my head. "That's not true,"
"It made me feel like," She continued nonetheless, "No matter how much we try to make you feel better about everything that happened, deep down, you'll always feel like we blame you for what happened to Henry, and you will keep blaming yourself, and you will always feel sad and angry. It made me feel like something will always trigger that painful memory and you'll never heal.-
That's my worst nightmare for you, Hilary, and your words brought them to life. I got so terrified. S-so t-terrif-fied,-"
Her voice quivered and her words broke, an indication of the fear she was feeling inside. Dad quickly took her hand in his, squeezing it gently while whispering for her to take it easy.
The gravity of her words dawned on me and made me understand the growing weight my guilt had on me, how it was pushing me further and further into blackness, nothingness. My parents were seeing it too, seeing the way it was affecting me so badly, and it scared them.
But not as much as it scared me.
I don't want to be this way anymore, but how do I stop the pain?
"Hilary," Dad called me and I looked at him.
"Daddy," I sniffed.
"We understand that you miss your brother so much," He began, the understanding in his voice evident. "We understand how much you love him, and how much you care about him. He was a part of you, a part of your soul. Losing him felt like a part of you was brutally torn off and ripped into shreds, so we understand how hard this is,-"
Even with his compassionate words, I could feel a but coming.
And so it did.
"But you need to understand that he wasn't only a part of you,"
That simple statement hit me.
"Henry was our first son, Hilary. Our firstborn," He continued calmly, "We gave birth to him. We loved and cared about him. He was a part of us," He laced his hands with mum's as he said that "just as much as he was a part of you,"
Dad held my gaze intently as he spelled out every word, their weight cutting deep into me. I couldn't look away, and I couldn't stop listening.
"We might not have been in the accident, we might not have gone through what you went through, but you need to understand that you are not the only one that lost him that night, Hilary,-
You are not the only one that felt that a part of you got yanked away that night," He finished.
Tears blurred my eyes as a wave of immense shame washed over me like a flood.
I can't believe I've been this self-centered, only thinking about my feelings, about my pain, while forgetting about my parent's own, knowing that they also lost their son that night. I can't even remember when last I asked them about how they were, how they were feeling.
I only cared about how I was feeling like I was the only one that lost Henry.
Selfish. So Selfish.
Just like I was that night.
"Hilary," Mum spoke up, causing me to turn to her. "Your father isn't telling you this to make you feel bad about feeling the way you feel,-"
Too late. I already feel bad, but I don't blame him for it at all. I thought to myself,
"-He's only letting you know that if there's anyone that understands how much pain and hurt you are feeling, it's us," She beckoned to herself and Dad. I tried to push back the tears, clasping my hands together as I tried to contain the emotions brewing in me.
"We know firsthand how you are feeling, Hilary. The last thing we will ever do is blame you for what happened that night,-"
"But I blame myself!"
I shut her up harshly, cutting the rest of her words off. When I realized how rude that was, I quickly cowered back, hanging my head low.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"No, no," Mum shook her head. "Don't hold back anymore,"
Her voice was reduced to a gentle, cajoling whisper, tugging on my heartstrings in ways that made tears start escaping my eyes in drops. And I tried, God knows I tried to stop the tears from falling but it seemed like I had no control anymore.
And when I looked at Dad, he gave me a small smile back.
"It's okay," He whispered too, "Let it out, Sunshine," He added, giving me the go-ahead I didn't know I needed.
And like a puddle, I melted to the floor, completely boneless like a sack of skin, and began to cry like a baby.
This was literally the thousandth time I was crying today, no exaggerations. I began to fear that my lacrimal gland would stop producing tears if I keep crying at this rate. But no matter how much I tried to stop myself from crying, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
So, I didn't hold back anymore like mum said I shouldn't. I let it out just like Dad said.
I felt bodies beside me and didn't need anyone to tell me whose they were. My parents wrapped their hands around me, sandwiching me between them in a soft, comforting hug that did absolutely nothing to stop the tears from cascading like a waterfall.
"I hate myself," I mumbled between tears and sobs.
"Don't say that," That was mum.
"I hate myself for what I did to Henry," I didn't stop talking.
"Hilary, you did nothing," That was Dad.
"I killed him,"
"Oh No, you didn't!"
Came mum's strong response, her voice gentle, yet resolute, like she wanted me to dead that thought now and fast.
She pulled away from me slightly so that she could look at me. And when I looked into her eyes, I saw unshed tears in them. Dad still held unto me, as if he wanted to give me as much support as I could. They were holding themselves together pretty well, more concerned about me and all I could think of is if I'd ever be as strong as they were.
"Look at me," Mum cradled my face in her hands. "You didn't kill Henry, do you hear me?" She spelled it out to me, her voice calm and hypnotic like she wanted me to believe every word.
I wanted to believe every word. But it was hard.
"Listen to me," She went on. "You didn't kill your brother. He died in an accident-"
"That I caused," I cut her off again, gently this time. "He won't have died in that accident if only -"
"If only," Dad interjected this time, his voice hoarse with emotions. I turned to look at him and saw that his eyes held just as many emotions as they did in Mum's.
"Hilary, that's all we can ever do," He said. "That's the only question we can keep asking ourselves. If Only or What If. If only we had done this, what if we didn't do that. If only we haven't done things a certain way that night, maybe things would have gone a little differently. Maybe Henry would still be alive,"
I choked out a sob, nodding.
"But the truth is that we will never get the answers to that question because it has happened a certain way and we have to accept it. Eventually, we will have to,"
I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to accept it and move on.
"I don't know if I can ever move on," I cried out.
"And nobody is asking you to, Idara" Mum answered this time, her voice clearer and more comforting. "No one is rushing you to move on at all,"
I turned to look at her.
"I don't think it's humanly possible for anybody to move on from the pain of losing a loved one. All we can do is accept that it has happened and live with it instead of allowing the grief and thoughts of what could have been or couldn't have to keep sucking the life out of us until it kills us," She said to me, holding my gaze to hers as if she wanted me to see how much she meant those words.
I didn't only see them. I felt them.
"Accept and Live with it," I repeated.
"Yes, Sunshine," Dad answered, his lips stretched in an encouraging smile.
"We all blame ourselves for something that night," Mum stated, and it made me wonder what She and Dad might have blamed themselves for.
"We blamed ourselves for the longest time for not being alert enough to know you had snuck out the house," Dad replied like he heard my thoughts, sharing a knowing look with mum, that smile still stretched across his lips.
A smile mum was mimicking now, making the air a lot less tense.
"At some point," She carried on after him. "We even blamed ourselves for not allowing you to go out that night like you wanted," She said.
Now that made an involuntary chuckle escape my lips.
Asking themselves that question was pretty absurd because they didn't do wrong by stopping me from going out. Any parent wouldn't have allowed their kid to go out at that time, especially to see a boyfriend. My parents were not in the wrong.
I was, for not listening.
"You are laughing now. That's a good start," Dad commented, looking very happy to hear me laugh again. I smiled a bit and exhaled. In a way, laughing like that made me feel a little lighter.
A little unburdened.
"I don't think I'll ever stop wishing I did things differently that night," I mumbled with a sniff, wiping the tears from my face.
"Mistakes come with regrets," Mum started.
"But we don't let those regrets stop us from learning and moving forward." Dad finished, and I nodded.
I understood. I understood perfectly.
"It's time to move forward, Hilary," Mum said. " And it's time to do it together, as a family," She took my hand in hers and locked out fingers together. Dad took my free hand and also did the same.
"As a Family," I repeated, mimicking the small smile on Dad's lips.
"And Henry might be physically gone, but he's always going to be right here," She placed her hand on my chest, directly against the position of my heart.
On impulse, my heart swelled in my chest.
"He's not torn away from us. No accident can ever take him away from this family. This is his permanent space," She patted my chest again, a beautiful melancholic smile tugged at the corners of her lips.
"And he won't want you to keep living like this," Dad added, and I digested his words.
Henry won't want me to keep living with so many regrets. My Brother won't want that.
"And hey," Mum called to me and I turned to look at her. "We have forgiven you a long time ago. And we have forgiven you totally and completely. But our forgiveness will have no effect if you don't let your guilt go, Hilary,-"
If I don't forgive myself. I repeated in my mind
"I think it's time you forgive yourself too."
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"Thank you,"
I said, smiling at the security man that opened the door for me. He smiled back and stepped away for me to enter the building fully.
The familiar coolness of the hospital hit me as soon as I walked in, and up until then, I had no idea that I missed coming to this place. Unlike many hospitals, Atlantic Cove had a very cozy aura that seemed to welcome and draw people in. Unlike many hospitals that scared people, this one felt secure.
Peaceful.
After greeting Nurse Kamsi at the reception, I made my way to where the elevator was, went in, and hit the button of the floor I was going to. The Psychology Floor.
Chidera's office.
She'd be so surprised to see me, given that I didn't call her before I started making my way here, and I haven't seen her in almost a month... a little more than a month even.
After our last talk about Jidenna, I've been too busy to have a session with her. I told her that I wanted to focus on tutoring Simi, which she understood perfectly, but we both knew that it was all an excuse to stay away. I still can't believe she didn't call to tell my parents that I was skipping sessions.
Everything she had said about Jidenna that day had struck a cord. How, deep down, I wanted to know why Jidenna did all those things to me. Not because I wanted closure but because he used to be my friend and switching up on me the way he did was so out of the blue and strange.
She was right, but I wanted to prove her so wrong. I wanted to prove to her that Jidenna did everything he did not because of anything, but because he's a coward. And I kept that thought in my mind for the longest time and avoided Chidera because I didn't want her to end up changing my mind.
Up until this week. Up until that apology.
And as much as I wanted to believe that he was still the selfish asshole I've known him to be since September, deep down, I knew there was something to that apology.
Something so much more.
Only Chidera could help me make sense of it.
A ding sound went off and brought me out of my thoughts, an indication we had reached my floor. The door slide open and I walked out of the elevator to the scarcely busy hallway. Chidera's office was at the end of that hallway.
I exhaled.
I really hope she has no one with her. I prayed within me before I started walking down the part.
When I finally got to the front of her door, I took in a breath and exhaled again, trying to calm myself down before knocking.
"Come in," A velvety voice I didn't recognize called back. I frowned slightly, wondering if I stopped at the right office. When I looked up at the name tag on the door, it was her name on it.
Chidera .K. Chukwu.
"Hmmn," I hummed to myself, turning the knob and opening the door.
Chidera was in the office alright, but she was with a woman who looked just about the same age as Chidera. She was probably the one that asked me to come in, and the way she was seated on the wide table like she owned the place, I could say for a fact that she wasn't a patient or a client.
Maybe a colleague and a friend.
"Hilary!"
Chidera looked and sounded so surprised to see me, and I smiled, nervously adjusting the strap of my cross bag on my shoulder. She had not been expecting me of course, and from the look of things, she seemed pretty busy.
"Good Afternoon," I greeted her, then glanced at the woman seated on her table. "I can wait if you are busy," I attempted to go back out.
"No," She quickly stopped me, getting up to her feet. "I'm not busy at all," She said to me, her lips stretched in that warm smile of hers, putting me at ease. Then she looked at her companion.
"Elyon was just leaving," She said.
"Wow, Dera," The Elyon woman drawled out in that same velvety voice I heard earlier. "Just kuku tell me to get out. No dey disguise abeg," She jumped down from the table, her heels making a clicking sound on the floor
Chidera laughed while I stared between the two of them with a small smile.
"It's not like naw," She said between laughter, trying to pacify her friend. "I have a client right now as you can see. I'll buy you lunch later, pinky promise,"
"Better," The woman answered with a pout before making her way out of the room. When she got to the door where I was still standing, she turned to me with a warm smile of her own.
"Just so you know, you are more beautiful than she is," She whispered to me, pointing at Chidera.
Oh wow. I giggled out.
"No more lunch for you, Elyon," Chidera called after the petite woman as she skipped out.
"You pinky promised!" She called back and Chidera laughed.
Her laughter subsided and was replaced with a gentle smile as she turned to look at me, gaze soft and hearty.
"You could have called that you were coming," She said, gesturing for me to sit down while she took her seat.
"I just wanted to surprise you," I answered, eyes downcast. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"No, don't be," She quickly debunked, her smile and gaze not faltering. "It is a pleasant surprise. I'm glad you are here." She said.
Those words stripped off every last bit of self-consciousness I had and made me feel more comfortable. I rose my head up to look at her and my lips stretched in a small smile that sorta mimicked her own.
"It's really good to have you back, Hilary," Chidera said to me, and I let out a sigh of relief.
It's good to be back.
𝐀/𝐍
And Hilary is on her path to self- forgiveness (if there is anything like that🤣).
I'm just happy she has parents that are so understanding. Parents that will slap you with one hand and then pull you for a hug with the other. Yes, Mama Evelyn Eghosa, it's you I'm talking to🤣).
Now that she's on a road to self-forgiveness, I think she will take a little bit of a detour to forgiving Jidenna. I don't know o 🤷🏽♀️. Let's see how the discussion with Chidera will turn out.
But the truth is that, she can't forgive herself completely if she doesn't forgive Jidenna. It's going to be hard, but I hope God gives her the strength 🤧🙇🏾♀️.
Who missed Elyon 🌚? Just so you know, her appearance is a hint. A big one. If you picked it up, good for you 😌.
Till next time, you know the drill. Kisses 😚💕.