today was my last day in okayama.
which meant it was my last day with riki.
i couldn't tell him that we were moving. i knew i had to, but i couldn't. i didn't have it in me to spit those words out, and i feared his reaction to those words.
so i wrote a letter. i wrote him a letter telling him what i couldn't say, from me liking him, to me leaving him. it's sad that i had to leave him like this without living my love story with him, if it'll ever happen, so that broke my heart even more.
i planned to give him the letter when he walks me home and i close the door after myself. that was the only safe way for my heart not to break at his reaction to that letter, but i knew it was already broken with leaving him.
my only friend. my first friend and my first love.
it sounds cheesy for me to say that, yes, but that's the truth. and however cliché it may seem, he is my first love.
and i'm leaving. just like that. before our story could even begin.
i had the envelope in my sweatpants pocket, and it was hidden well under my oversized hoodie. tonight, i was the one who suggested to riki that we sneak out at our usual time of one at night. he seemed rather surprised about it, but he agreed nonetheless. it was to remember our late night meetings before i go to tokyo.
we went to all our favorite places around the neighborhood, and we stayed at the park quite a long time. in the park, we moved from our favorite tree, to the bench we always sit on, and the lake. we stayed at the lake the longest.
we also ended up going to that building in the next district. i could tell that riki was rather hesitant about going there, for the memory it holds, but i was adamant to go there. that memory is the most precious to me yet.
we went back to the lake again, and we sat on the grass by the edge of it, staring into the lake as the crescent moon reflected on its waters.
i had my legs on top of each other, sort of like a mermaid, and riki sat cross legged. my knees were brushing against his one knee, and my hand was under his as he leaned his weight on his arms. neither of us would shift over, and we were both aware of the intimate situation. i tapped my other hand on my pocket which contained the letter, a frown creasing my forehead with remembering my departure. i held riki's hand to seek comfort, and also to remember our little interlude in our first year of high school.
my action caught riki's attention, so he turned to face me from the lake. "what's wrong? what's up?"
i shook my head and lifted my eyes from our intertwined hands back to the lake. "nothing, i'm just.."
"yeah?"
i paused for a minute. i shouldn't tell him that i'll be moving to tokyo tomorrow, i planned and settled for not telling him, and so i won't.
i shook my head again and showed him a smile to ease any doubts he had. "nothing, nothing. i'm good."
he sighed through his nose and turned his body to face me. i did the same, now sitting cross legged as well, only for him to take both my hands in his own larger ones and squeeze them gently.
"suzuki, are you thinking of momoko?" he asked me quietly. "i don't really know what happened or what she was telling you, but i think she was bullying you for some odd reason. that's all over now, i confronted her about it, remember? so don't think about it anymore. it's all over now and she isn't bothering you."
"no, i'm not thinking of momoko," i denied. "it's just... something else, alright? don't worry about me, i'm all good."
i smiled again and nodded, and when he was fully convinced that i wasn't upset or anything, he smiled and patted my head.
oh i'm gonna miss him so much.
we ended up staying at the park until about half past two in the morning, so, thinking that we'd been out for long enough, i asked riki to walk me home, to which he agreed.
he walked me up until my doorstep, and when i told him to go now, he persisted to stay until i locked the door after myself. that warmed my heart, but also cracked it a little. after pushing the door open enough for me to slide in, i took the envelope out of my pocket and extended it to riki with both hands. he glanced from me to the item in my hands and asked me what it was.
"read it tomorrow morning," i said. "or when you're ready, alright? take care of yourself."
i watched as he slowly took the letter from my hands and pushed it into his own pockets. i stood hesitant, contemplating whether i should do what i was thinking or not while i was engraving his face into my brain.
well, since i'm leaving tomorrow morning, i should leave with no regrets.
and so, i kissed his lips and disappeared behind the door.