One thing about me is that I have something I want to change. I get really jealous when I know someone new is close to someone who is very close to my life. Kinakabahan lang ako kapag naiisip na may chance na p'wedeng malayo sila sa akin, I may not be with them all the time. I don't know, I'm just really afraid of losing. But I can't stop them, hindi ko naman sila p'wede ipagdamot. Kailangan din naman nilang kumilala ng mga bago.
I'm just really scared, you know. I am also afraid to see them crushed to pieces because of the pain that love has caused. But this is life, I have nothing against life, it's already decided. Right now, I don't know when I'll talk to Maeve. What if we can't talk much anymore because she has a boyfriend? I've been used to her being there since we were kids. Pero wala, e. May magagawa pa ba 'ko? Babayaran ko ba ng isang milyon 'yung Euan na 'yon para maghiwalay sila? Char.
Kailangan ko muna siguro mag-isip kung ano 'yung mga sasabihin ko. Alam ko namang magiging straightforward lang ako kaya gusto ko muna kausapin ang sarili ko. I also ignore Maeve's calls and texts from last night until now. Nagtatampo talaga ako, kailan pa kaya naging sila? Bakit kagabi niya lang sa 'min 'pinakilala? Kung bago pa lang sila, edi sana ipinagsabay ko na siya at si Jerome na tanggapin, 'di ba? Magsasayang pa 'ko nang oras. Ugh, my time is so precious! Bakit ko nga ba sinasayang 'yon sa boyfriend nila?
Bumaba ako at walang katao-tao sa sala. Nasa kwarto pa siguro si Nathalie at Adrian, mamaya pa uuwi si Kuya Ashton. Malapit na maglunch so pumunta na ako sa kitchen para kumuha ng food, hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang mga susunod na mangyayari, I'll just lock myself in the room all day and come out at night when it's time for our dinner. Busy ako mag-aral ngayon, I'm studying something about Microbiology, which is why I'm so stressed right now.
Pagkatapos kong kumain, napatingin ako kay Manang. "'Nang, does your daughter have a boyfriend?" I asked her as I stirred the iced coffee I brewed.
"Bakit mo naman natanong iyan? Mayroon na siyang nobyo." Napatango lang ako roon at nilapag na ang spoon sa may sink para umakyat na. Wala naman na akong gagawin dito, kakain na rin ng lunch 'yung mga kapatid ko, hindi ko na sila sinabayan.
"If Maeve or one of my friends comes, please tell her that I went to the mall, nagpahatid kamo ako sa driver. Tell the others too so they know what to answer when Maeve asks them, please. Thank you po," I gave her a small smile before finally walking out of the kitchen, going upstairs again. I'm tired of Biology, gusto kong mag-ship sa ibang course but it's not in Ateneo, I don't want to leave the university of my dreams... pero mas mahalaga naman 'yung course kaysa sa university. Ugh, so hirap mag-decide.
I want to take Nursing or Medical Technology because that will be more helpful, especially since they do clinics. Wala sila sa Ateneo. I can be Isko, UP Diliman is close to my condo so it won't be a problem if I move there. But I'm loyal talaga sa Ateneo, feeling ko hindi ko kayang iwan. Maeve has been contacting me everywhere but I don't answer, doesn't she want to give me time? I still feel bad, I hope she understands that.
After reviewing and advanced study of the lesson and doing activities, I showered again to get ready for dinner. Just as I expected earlier, Maeve still tried to come over to talk to me. Ilang minuto lang siguro siya naghintay? Halos isang oras yata. Hindi naman siya umakyat sa kwarto ko pero nakikipag-usap lang siya kina Nathalie at Adrian, alam naman nila na hindi kami okay ngayon kaya sure akong gumawa 'yan ng reason para hindi kami makapag-usap. My siblings know me.
I just wore a ribbed knit drop shoulder sweater and knit shorts, nilalamig lang ako nang konti dahil biglaang umulan kaninang hapon tapos nakabukas pa 'yung aircon ko. I went out of the room and I heard a noise from downstairs, Daddy also texted me that they will be home soon so it's good to prepare food. Naabutan kong nagtatawanan si Nathalie at Jerome sa may pool area, so he's already here. Sumandal lang ako sa may pader at pinanood silang magtawanan, they are so happy, it is obvious that they are really in love with each other. It seems that their relationship became freer when Nathalie introduced Jerome to us. I am so happy for them.
Tapos na silang magluto nang pumunta ako sa kusina. Tinulungan ko na silang maghain pero pinipilit nila akong maupo na roon at maghintay na lang. Nakaramdam din ako nang pagbigat ng katawan kaya tumigil na ako at umupo na lang. Dumating na rin sina Mommy at Daddy kaya binati ko sila. "Thank you," I thanked Jerome when he handed the bouquet to Mommy and me, Nathalie also had it, of course. Binilin ko muna kay Ate Mae na ilagay sa kwarto ko 'yung flower dahil hindi ko p'wede ilagay 'yon sa lamesa. Dumating na rin si Kuya Ashton kaya nagsimula na kaming kumain.
"Ash, are you free next week? We are leaving the country because we have business in America. Walang kasama si Nathalie at Adrian dito." I know Kuya's answer to that, he has a lot to do and a lot of readings because law school is getting tougher. Bago pa siya nagsalita, ako na 'yung sumagot.
"Kuya's busy, Mom. I'll stay here na lang next week," I wiped my mouth and ate slowly again. Hindi naman ako makasabay sa pinag-uusapan nila dahil tungkol 'yon sa law, I know something about the law but only a little but what they are talking about I don't know. Sila lang naman nagkakaintindihan d'yan.
"Ate Nads, are you sure you are here for a week?" Adrian.
"No. They will disappear only on Saturday and Sunday. Hindi ako p'wede magstay rito ng isang linggo, mahal ang gas... unless you give me money for my gas," I joked. I never asked or borrowed money from my siblings, pera nila 'yon, para rin sa future nila 'yon. They only use their money when needed.
After we finished eating, I immediately went upstairs because I was going to change my clothes again. Nagsuot na ako ng pajamas, gusto ko na matulog dahil magre-review pa ulit ako bukas. I've made up my mind, I'm going to Tagaytay right after my class on Monday to freshen up there and do a little study.
Wind.
To breathe.
'Yun lang naman 'yung kailangan ko para lumuwag ang isip ko. And feel loved. That's it. Narinig kong may kumatok kaya tumayo ako, manonood pa lang ako ng Netflix para makatulog na kaagad, sumasakit na kasi 'yung katawan ko. When I opened the door, 'yung magjowa lang.
"Uuwi na raw si Jerome, Ate. Hinahanap na kasi siya ni Tita," tinuro ni Nathalie si Jerome na nasa likuran niya, nagpapaalam.
I nodded. "Okay. Thanks for coming, Jerome. Join us again next time, ingat sa pagdrive." I gave Jerome a smile bago ibalik kay Nathalie ang tingin ko. "I'll sleep na, good night," I waved before closing the door and locking it. I lay down on the bed and reached for the remote to choose what to watch, I also turned off the lights and only my lamp was on, next to my bed. I just watched a Filipino movie and it wasn't half way through the movie when I fell asleep. I'm running in an endless place, it's dark, there's a lot of fog, the road is straight and there's no one, just me. But... why am I looking back?
Napaupo ako sa biglaang gulat. Ano'ng nangyari? I touched my chest, catching my breath. I also felt my body warm so I touched my forehead which had sweat and I was indeed warm. Binuksan ko 'yung drawer sa tabi ng kama ko at kinuha ang temperature, hindi naman gaano kataas at hindi rin mababa 'yung result. Pinilit kong bumaba dahil tulog na silang lahat, wala akong p'wedeng tawagan para dalhan ako ng gamot.
I also went back to sleep after taking the medicine. When I woke up, I only felt a little fever but I felt better. Nathalie and Adrian also found out so they paid attention to me until night. Hindi naman nila kailangan, kaya ko naman alagaan 'yung sarili ko. After we ate dinner, I also arranged my things, getting ready to go back to the Katipunan. May class na ako ulit bukas kaya kailangan ko na bumalik sa condo. Hindi ko alam kung makikita ko si Maeve bukas, bahala na. It is what it is.
"Bye. I'll see you next weekend," I kissed Adrian's cheek before leaving. Malungkot daw siya dahil aalis na naman ako, hindi naman niya palagi nakakausap si Nathalie dahil busy rin sa plates niya at kay Jerome. The next day, gumising ako na hindi pa sumisikat 'yung araw, naglinis ako ng condo, nagluto rin ako ng food na hanggang gabi na, I also did laundry because there were only a few dirty clothes. Hindi naman ako nagpapatambak ng labahin and minsan lang ako nagpapa-laundry.
"Wanna go later? Shot lang," one of my blockmates came to me, inviting me to drink with them again. Half day lang kasi ngayon kaya maraming oras. Hindi naman ako takot tumanggi dahil may mas mahalaga akong gagawin ngayon. Pupunta ako sa Tagaytay. Iinom lang ako ng kape roon. Maeve saw me but I also dodged immediately, Euan was with her. It took me a while to get to Tagaytay, I arrived right at sunset so I just watched the sun say goodbye while drinking my iced coffee.
I really need to let go of my old self. My new life is about to open, I can't stay in this habit. May papasok, may aalis. Kailangan ko nang masanay. Tumatanda na ako, kailangan ko na pakawalan 'yung mga nakasabit sa akin. I have to learn, I have to let go, I have to learn to accept... because nothing lasts forever. Everyone will leave after getting what they want from you, as he did. I am allowing myself to move forward. I just accept it as it is. Tapos na ako sa kanila, ako naman muna.
Nilabas ko ang notebook ko at nagplano kung ano ang plans ko para sa birthday ko next month. Wala naman akong palaging may balak kapag birthday ko, I don't even want to celebrate it sometimes, am I special that I was slandered.
PLANS for my birthday
• lunch with family
• buy a new phone
• get wasted
Of course, my birthday isn't complete until I get drunk. Nagstay lang ako sa Starbucks ng ilang oras at tinapos 'yung mga kailangan kong gawin para advance study na lang ulit ako. Umuwi na rin ako at wala nang traffic sa dinaanan ko. When I got out of the elevator, I immediately walked to my unit, but I stopped when I saw Maeve looking defeated in front of my door. What the hell is she doing here? Break na ba sila? No more kineme.
Kaagad akong lumalapit sa kaniya at hinawakan 'yung kamay niya para alalayan tumayo. Kinuha ko na ang susi galing sa bag ko at binuksan ang pinto, I opened the lights. Nilapag ko si Maeve sa sofa bago pumunta sa kusina para kumuha ng water for her, bumalik na rin ako roon at umupo sa pang-single na seat. Inilapag ko ang baso sa lamesa. "What are you doing here?" I asked her, nakapikit lang siya.
"Iniiwasan mo ba talaga ako?" her lips curled as if "(" because of what she said. Her voice also broke when she spoke.
Ngumiti ako. "Yeah," I joked.
Dumilat siya at umayos nang umupo saka tumapat ng tingin sa mata ko. "Galit ka ba dahil kay Euan? Nads, we have met both our families. Mabait siyang tao, swear!"
"May sinabi ba 'kong masama siya?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Patapusin mo muna ako! Pero 'yun nga, we just started in the second week of UAAP, we talked when you didn't come to watch because you were going to pick up Adrian. Nasa parking na ako noong bigla niya 'kong nilapitan ta's 'yon, tinanong niya Instagram ko! Things turned out well for us. Naging kami lang siguro nung..." Napaisip pa siya kung kailan.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi kaagad?"
"Nakakatakot ka kasi! Naawa ako kay Jerome, pakiramdam ko kapag lumalapit siya sa 'yo mahihimatay na siya sa takot," she wiped her tears kaya hindi ko na napigilan tumawa nang malakas. Hinawakan ko ang tiyan ko sa kakasakit tumawa. Totoo ba 'tong nakikita ko? Oh my goodness, Maeve! "Baliw ka na talaga," she sniffed before getting up and going to the kitchen to find some food. Baka pumunta 'to rito para kumain lang? Sabay kaming kumain at nagkwentuhan about their relationship.
Hays, nakakainggit.
Kailan ko kaya mararanasan ang totoong pagmamahal sa relasyon?
"Happy Birthday!"
I thanked my friends who greeted me. I just rented a bar to celebrate my birthday, I told them they can invite their friends even if I don't know them. I also told them not to bring a gift even if they insist, that's their gift to me; don't bring a gift. Lahat ng alcohols na i-o-order nila ay ako ang magbabayad, well, that's not a problem for me. Hindi na ako nakabantay sa may entrance dahil marami na ang dumating. They did invite a friend of theirs that I don't know but now I know because they attended today.
Tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa mirror, I'm wearing a one shoulder cutout detail ruched dress. My hair is ironed straight, my make-up is just right because I don't like thick make-up. After looking at myself, I went out again to see if the entrance was still open. It's okay, it's complete and everyone who was given an invitation has come. Sabagay, sino ba namang hindi pupunta? Eh libre ang lahat? Napa-shot kada punta ko sa mga tables pero hindi pa 'ko tinatamaan; remember, my alcohol tolerance is super high.
Nakita kong kumandong si Maeve kay Euan, naghaharutan. Euan also became my friend after the three of us had a good dinner. Lumapit ako roon at umupo sa couch, pagod na 'ko magsalita at maglakad! Bakit ko ba naisip mag-celebrate nang ganitong klaseng party? "Sha-shot na ang birthday girl!" I opened my eyes when I heard Maeve's voice, nasa akin na naman ang camera! Pucha. I didn't refuse and opened my mouth to welcome the alcohol, it only took ten seconds. "Woooo!" Sigaw niya. Lasing na siguro 'to.
I left there and went to the counter to order a cocktail, the alcohol they gave me tasted bad! Geez! As I waited for the Margarita I ordered, I parted my hair to the side, revealing the rest of my neck.
"You are probably the girl of the night," napatingin ako sa lalaking umupo sa tabi ko. He is wearing a black t-shirt and black pants, his hair is pulled back, and his skin is smooth to look at, his lips are reddish, his eyebrows are thick, he has a pointed nose, and his perfume is also fragrant. Damn, he's so fine. Handsome. Fresh-faced. Good-looking! What kind of angel is this?
"Yeah. How did you get in here? You were probably invited by one of my friends," I averted my gaze from him. Baka matunaw kasi siya sa kakatitig ko.
"Your friend forced me to come here."
"The who?"
"Pat," I nodded. "Why aren't you partying there?"
"I want a cocktail, do you?" I looked at him slowly. Ang gwapo talaga! Feeling ko crush ko na siya. "You're handsome," naabutan kong kinagat niya ang labi niya bago tumingin sa akin na nakataas ang isang kilay. Does he stop smiling? Oh, God. I'm about to faint here! Bakit ang gwapo niya? Right, this is my chance.
"What's your name?" Yeah, He was the only one who attended my birthday today who didn't know my name. 'Buti na lang talaga gwapo 'to.
"Nadeleine. Nads," pagsagot ko sa tanong niya. "How about you? What's your name?" the edge of my lips lifted.
"Kiel,"
My smile faded. Kiel, kiel, kiel... Saan ko nga ba ulit narinig 'yon? I took out my phone and opened the screen and showed it to him. "By any chance, do you own this jacket?" my lockscreen, that mirror shot of me wearing his jacket because it has become my favorite. Itinigil ko na ang pagsuot ng jacket niya kaya nilagay ko na lang sa lockscreen para hindi ko makalimutan. What the hell! He nodded! "Oh my gosh.. so, you were the man in the hospital last year? Uh, of course, you won't remember that."
"Kiel from UST Hospital? You're the girl crying because of the UTI, aren't you?" tumango ako dahil tama siya. "Yeah, I'm Kiel. It's been a few months and you're still gorgeous,"
"What?" Nagtataka kong tanong.
Kiel chuckled. Isa pa! Ang pogi talaga!
"I mean, what's your Instagram?" Nilabas niya 'yung phone niya at binuksan 'yon gamit ang fingerprint.
"What year are you?" I took a sip of the cocktail I ordered and asked.
"Turning second, Nursing in UST." Wow, we walk the same path.
"I don't date anyone whose age starts with one,"
"Who said we should date?" He fired back.
I rolled my eyes. "Nothing, I look like your type so I took the lead." Tumawa ako. "Joke. We can be friends naman. Here's my username," pinakita ko sa kaniya 'yon at wala pang isang minuto nakita ko na ang notification.
ralpkiel started following you.
Ralpkiel? Pati pangalan, ang gwapo. What more?
"See you around," I said goodbye to him and stood up after following him back. I really didn't expect that we would see each other again or that we would only see each other every time I was at USTH. Maybe it's destiny? Kidding. Pag-akyat ko sa second floor, tumingin ako sa baba.
He was looking at me, smiling.
* * *