For a while, I can't move. I can't open my eyes or speak. I just lie there, trying to muster up a scream or a twitch. I get nothing. I try to calm myself down by listening intently to the noises around me. There's the whirring of some sort of machinery, an occasional beep, and some soft murmuring a few feet away from wherever I am. The voices are nearly completely inaudible, but I can pick up some things.
"Thank you so much."
"I'm so sorry about this."
"At least she's okay."
Did I die?
Suddenly, as if my own terror was enough to wake me up, my eyelids fly open. The light in the room is overwhelming and causes me to squint. My vision is still blurry, but the first face that I see makes my heart drop into my stomach.
Ellie.
She smiles at me and my heart skips a beat. Out of pure instinct, I reach up with a shaky hand and place my fingers on the back of her palm. She takes my hand and looks down at me, clearly worried. I turn my head to the right and see my mom standing above me. She wears an expression similar to Ellie's. Why is everyone so worried? What happened?
"Hi, Tara. How are you feeling?" She asks quietly.
I can only nod in response.
I'm starting to feel my senses waking up. I'm regaining awareness and becoming more alert. I'm in the hospital and Ellie is here. Mom is here, too. I don't feel very good. My throat is scratchy and still feels like it's burning. My hands are clammy and my stomach feels completely empty. I feel like I've been drained of every morsel of energy I had earlier. My head is still pounding and my stomach feels achy. I almost wish I could be unconscious again. But I look back at Ellie and all of those feelings don't matter anymore. I gaze up at her and she bites her bottom lip. Her eyes are glossy and she makes her grip on my hand a little tighter.
"Do you want to sit up?" My mom asks.
Again, I nod.
She calls in the nurse, who silently adjusts my bed and hastily exits the room. I see Jay slumped in the corner with his hood over his face and a blanket draped over his shoulders, sleeping soundly. Empty fast food bags litter the table beside him and I turn my attention to the bench against the window. It looks like they've been sleeping here. How long was I out?
The nurse returns with a cup of water and a plate with some hospital food on it. There's a turkey sandwich, a blueberry muffin, and a small stack of crackers. I practically down the entire cup of water the second I pick it up. I request another glass and the nurse leaves the room to get me more. We sit in silence as I feebly bring my sandwich to my lips. It takes me a solid thirty minutes to eat it without wanting to gag. I start to work on my muffin while my mom takes a phone call and steps into the hallway.
Ellie stays by my side, despite my painstaking pace. Her forgiving expression brings me comfort as I take another drink of water. I lick my lips, grateful that I'm finally able to salivate. After a few seconds, I feel like I can make words. My voice is near silent and terribly raspy, but it's better than nothing.
"What happened?"
Jay stirs in the corner, his head slumping over to the left. Ellie looks up at him for a moment and returns her attention to me.
"You were having a party and you drank too much... You got sick." She tells me solemnly.
She brings my hand to her lips, planting a kiss on my knuckles. Sparks shoot up my arm and into my chest and I feel alive again. I smile at her and she smiles back at me. I missed this more than anything. I nearly have a heart attack when I hear Jay's voice.
"Tara? You're awake!" His voice is loud and makes my head hurt.
"Shh," Ellie scolds.
"Sorry, sorry. How you doing?" He asks me, pulling his chair up to the bedside.
I examine the pulse-oximeter sandwiched around my finger, "Okay."
"Man, I'm glad you're okay. You had us worried sick." Jay tells me.
Ellie looks at my water cup, which is empty again, "Hold on, I'm going to go get you a water bottle."
"Ellie got you here just in time." Jay informs me, "She said she came to see you and she looked everywhere. Then somebody said you were locked in the bathroom. She went in there and you were on the ground, having a seizure and puking." He brings his fingertips to his lips, pausing.
I look at him, trying to hide how mortified I am about my behavior. He continues, looking at the floor.
"She took you out and drove you to the hospital and got you here just in time to get your stomach pumped. They called your mom and I heard about it the next morning. You were out all day yesterday. She insisted on spending the night so your mom could go home and keep your dad company. They came back as soon as Ellie called. Your dad was really torn up about it." He trails off again.
He looks at me thoughtfully and places a hand on my forearm, "I'm really glad you're okay."
"Thank you," I say, not quite sure how to take all of the news in.
My mom comes back into the room and informs us that I can't go home until tonight if I'm feeling better. She then informs me that she'll be going to a family dinner with my dad. Jay offers to stay and take me home afterward and with that, my mom is gone. Ellie returns with a large bottle of water and a smaller bottle of Gatorade.
"The nurse told me you need to seriously rehydrate. Plus, they had your favorite flavor." She says, setting down the tropical punch Gatorade beside my bed.
Jay opens it up and hands it off to me. I take small sips until I can force myself to drink normal mouthfuls. Ellie disposes of the trash in the room and opens the curtains up a bit. Jay flicks on the TV that's mounted to the wall and we try to find something worth watching. Ellie returns to my side and laces her fingers through mine. We end up watching Sex and the City, which Jay actually gets kind of in to. After an hour or so, Jay leaves the room and it's just Ellie and I. It's silent for a long time. I stare anxiously at the TV screen, even though I can feel her eyes on me. She sighs and I eventually turn to her.
"I'm sorry. About all of this." I mumble.
She doesn't say anything and I become edgy. Ellie mutes the TV, then switches her surveillance back to me. I lock my jaw until words finally leave her lips.
"I don't have much to say..." Ellie admits.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know this is stupid. I know what I did was stupid and I—"
"I don't think you do, Tara. Do you know how fucking scary it was to see you like that? I thought I was going to lose you." She says in a tone that makes my chest hurt.
"I hurt you... You left... I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, Ellie."
"I'm sick of the fighting." Ellie breathes, "I don't want to fight. I don't want that anymore."
"We don't have to fight. I don't want to fight either. I just want to be with you. I've been thinking a lot about what I said. I feel bad about it. I feel bad about all of it... I'm sorry." I tell her, shaking my head.
"I hate to tell you this, Tara, but sorry is just a word. Sorry doesn't revoke what you've done or lighten the consequences of your actions." Ellie murmurs in a surprisingly calm tone.
"I know—"
Ellie cuts me off, "I feel like you're just saying that. Do you even know what any of us have been through because of your decisions?"
"No... I was selfish. I admit that." I say, beginning to feel like a child being disciplined.
"Well, I'm glad you can admit it. I just wish it didn't take this to happen." She replies.
I grind my teeth, "Look, if you're just going to sit here and tell me what I've done wrong, then I'd rather you just go. I don't want to fight."
"We're not fighting, Tara. No one is fighting."
"No, I don't want to do this. I'm not a child, Ellie. Don't treat me like one. I'm a fucking person, I make mistakes. I'm sorry. Okay? Do you want me to fucking rearrange the cosmos for you? Do you-Do you want me to write you a fucking novel? By all means, if it fixes whatever the fuck is happening between us, then just let me know and I'll go out of my way to fix it!" I cry, clenching my fists.
Ellie is about to throw in her two cents when the nurse opens the door and closes it softly behind her. She walks over to us and offers a nervous smile.
"Um... I'm going to have to ask you two to please keep it down for the other patients. If there's any issue or something I can do to help, please don't hesitate to let me know. Sorry to disturb you..." She says in a hurried voice, spinning on her heel and hurrying back through the door.
My eyes find their way back to Ellie, who shakes her head, "You don't need me."
"What? What are you talking about?" I ask.
"You heard me. Oh, and by the way, I got accepted into another boarding school. This time I'm determined not to fuck up. I'll see you during summer. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. But you know what? I'm glad you're okay." Ellie says as she walks out.
"Ellie!" I call as the door clicks shut.
The nurse returns to my room as I begin wailing like an infant. I make a desperate effort to get out of bed, but Jay returns and helps the nurse restrain me. I weep like the inconsolable mess I am, yelling for Ellie to no avail.
What have I done?