TOTAL Word Count: 11,909
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“Iʼm in love with you.”
If anyone had told him mere weeks ago that Katsuki would be confessing his feelings to the half-and-half bastard instead of pointedly ignoring them like he usually did, the blond would have definitely throttled them. But this moment wasnʼt weeks or days ago, this was happening now. It was real and Katsuki wanted to throttle himself for it. He didnʼt regret saying the words, he never would for simply telling the truth as it was. But with how silent Shouto had been for the past thirty seconds, Katsuki was starting to think that maybe this wasnʼt such a great idea.
“Does that mean you want to go out with me? As boyfriends?”
Katsuki blinked.
He certainly wasnʼt expecting that. But whatever, heʼll take what he can get. So with the truth still clearly evident in his voice—he wasnʼt a fucking coward—and, hopefully his face, Katsuki answered, “I just wanted to get these feelings out of the way–”
“I donʼt mind.”
Katsuki blinked twice, “Huh?”
Shouto repeated in the same monotone he seemed to carry with him like a plague, “I donʼt mind.”
Katsuki scowled, “My feelings?”
Shouto sighed slightly—although how someone could sigh slightly was the question of the year, Katsuki didnʼt interrupt, “I donʼt mind going out with you.”
It was Katsukiʼs turn to become silent, though it was more a matter of not being able to find an answer rather than making the choice of not speaking. Shouto stared at him with his blank expression, full-of-depth two-colored eyes, and a thousand emotions swirling in them that Katsuki couldnʼt grasp before they faded away to be replaced with another. The blond gulped, swallowing down the giddy feeling that rose up inside of him and nodded with a barely visible smile.
“Sure.”
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It wasnʼt all sunshines or rainbows.
Especially since it involved the spikey blond haired known for his flaming (murder) anger issues, emotional constipation alongside an aversion to any sort of relationship that involved another human being, and the duo-haired man that couldnʼt read social cues half of the time, hadnʼt experienced emotions like others did for his whole life, was actively touch-starved and acted fairly like an old man. Katsuki wasnʼt expecting whatever this was when he confessed to having... feelings for IcyHot.
(He shuddered by simply remembering it.)
Shouto was awfully clingy for someone who, as far as Katsuki knew, hadnʼt experienced love for most of his childhood. It wasnʼt that Katsuki minded, exactly, (he actually sort of liked it), he just wasnʼt sure how to respond to the sudden touch that Shouto tried to initiate casually. The greetings every single time they saw each other werenʼt helping either. The blond acted as normal as he could, but nothing was fucking normal about this situation.
He was patiently waiting for Shouto to arrive at the back of the building, so Katsuki could get it done and over with. Whatever it was that Shouto wanted to discuss, Katsuki wouldʼve easily loved to talk about it inside but apparently, Shouto wanted privacy for this talk. Maybe he was already bored of Katsuki despite it barely being two days, and he was breaking up with him.
Katsuki ignored the weird tightening of his chest.
It wasnʼt like Shouto was probably serious about this relationship, anyways. He had never said anything about his own feelings, except that he wouldnʼt mind going out with Katsuki, whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean because it didnʼt let Katsuki know a whole lot about what exactly Shoutoʼs feelings were regarding this whole relationship and the confession. Cutting his floundering thoughts and pacing off, Shouto turned around the corner with silent footsteps.
Coming to a stop in front of Katsuki, Shouto leaned down a little. Katsuki scowled at the barest hint of the height difference between them. Shoutoʼs lips twitched as if he knew exactly what the blond was thinking.
“Letʼs go to that curry place you like around the corner.”
Katsukiʼs scowl was immediately washed off, replaced with an irritated expression, “How do you know about that?”
Shouto smirked with barely a twitch to his lips, a knowing look in his eyes before he shrugged, “I have my ways.”
Katsuki narrowed his eyes, before deciding to come back to this matter on a later date and agreed. They had to get permission from their teacher but it worked out fairly well in the end. Katsuki had led them to a smaller building between the two popular restaurants, choosing a booth that kept them hidden from prying eyes and then proceeded to order the spiciest thing on the menu. Shouto had ordered the same, along with a strawberry milkshake and Katsuki had laughed at him, asking him if Shouto was sure he could handle the spices, considering his bland tastes—Shouto grumbled, “I eat Soba because itʼs my favourite, not because my taste is bland.” Katsuki had responded with a quip of his own, “You just proved my point.”—and then their bowls of curry were arriving, the smell wafting off them nearly causing Katsuki to drool from hunger.
Katsuki waited for Shouto to take a bite, watching with a focused stare as Shouto continued chewing and swallowed the whole bite, barely breaking a sweat or scrunching his nose at the taste. Katsuki felt compelled to start shouting at him, to ask him how, but refrained from doing so at the smug look Shouto adorned as he gazed at Katsuki whilst taking another bite, pointing with his eyes before asking, “Arenʼt you going to eat?”
The blond floundered, scowling at Shouto and proceeding to inhale his own food, choosing to ignore the burning in his cheeks, pretending like it was from the spicy food they were eating, despite knowing deep-down that he never got red in the face from spices. Shouto barely had a tilt to his lips, but it caused Katsukiʼs stomach to go around in circles and somersault all the same. It felt nice knowing he could have this, despite never actually giving a relationship much thought.
(Katsuki pretended like the lingering glances and the tightening of his chest didnʼt exist whenever he was around Shouto, or it simply originated from his anger. Though it was strange to anyone who knew Katsuki for barely even five minutes how the blond never actually exploded on Shouto. The blond did love to act the opposite of what he felt.
Though, strangely enough, Shouto could always bring out a soft side of him, by barely even trying.)
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They spent their days in a similar manner.
Shouto would suggest a place, sometimes that contained spicy foods, sometimes just fast foods—Katsuki always denied going to these, because, “You need to start eating healthy instead of fucking wrecking your stomach, you stupid IcyHot.”—and sometimes Soba places that Shouto wanted to try out. Katsuki slowly started to throw in suggestions too, sometimes they only ate out, sometimes they walked around for a bit. Sometimes they chose to hang out in the commons, or in the gym, sparring with each other whenever they felt like it.
It had been a few weeks since they decided to go out, and Katsuki couldnʼt hide the strange glow of happiness to his face, no matter how hard he tried to. His stomach still did the somersaults whenever he caught even a glimpse of red-white hair and a burn scar that beautifully matched the features of the Half-and-Half Bastard. Being with the stupid idiot didnʼt make Katsuki like him any less. The way Shoutoʼs eyebrows would scrunch slightly whenever he concentrated on something, or the way he would lick his lips after drinking something disgustingly sweet—Katsukiʼs words—or even the way he would get this crazy glint in his eyes whenever he went up against his other classmates in practice matches. Katsuki couldnʼt believe the amount of love he harboured for that clueless dumbass. It made him love the asshole even more.
Above all, everything caused Katsuki to love himself a little more too.
Thinking about how things were going now, Katsuki felt like he stood on top of the world, without having to run to surpass others who had gotten there before him. Katsuki was at the top of them all, and his love for Shouto made him feel like he could conquer the world. His heart swelled in his chest simply thinking of him, and sat amongst his rowdy group of friends in his room, trying to study for the upcoming assignments and test—emphasis on the trying, the blond tried his best not to let a smile slip onto his face.
His happiness felt never-ending.
Katsuki didnʼt think anything could wrong.
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They were just packing up for the night, scattered on the floor with stationary all over the place, conversation flying from topic to topic without any particular destination, followed by booming laughter and giggled screams when it happened. Amongst the normalcy of what having idiot friends was like, Katsuki sat at his desk, finishing a last few questions for a topic they probably wouldnʼt get for at least the next two weeks. He had just wrote down the answer for a particularly difficult equation when his phone vibrated.
Glancing at it, Katsuki immediately snatched it up, his blood rushing to his ears before remembering just who was there with him and tried his best to act nonchalant as he accepted the call. As weird as it was for Shouto to call him, of all things, Katsuki didnʼt mind. They did always only texted, never once had they called each other when there didnʼt seem like a need to. Katsuki could only hope everything was alright, especially if Shouto was the one initiating the call. Halfway turning his chair, Katsuki glanced at the group of idiots busy in their conversations and focused back on the call.
“What?”
He was met with silence for a few seconds.
Katsuki brought his phone in front of him to see if the call had cut off or something, but it wasnʼt so he brought it back to his ears, repeating his previous question.
“Katsuki.”
The voice caused mini-dragons to rage around in Katsukiʼs stomach, which he forcefully squashed down, though the tone that accompanied it immediately diminished some of the joy and brought about concern. Katsuki caught the eyes of Kirishima, who raised a questioning eyebrow to which Katsuki shook his head before he smiled at him and went back to whatever they were debating about.
“Everything alright?”
Katsuki barely whispered the words, getting up from his chair in the process and going out in the hallway to welcome some silence to have whatever serious conversation this might lead to. The blond just had a feeling that something was terribly wrong.
“Katsuki...”
The weird tone made an appearance again, and Katsuki was well and truly concerned now. Trying to keep a sense of normalcy, he asked, “What is it, Half-and-Half?”
Shouto took a deep breath before saying something that confused Katsuki beyond anything he could think of, “Iʼm sorry.”
His eyebrows scrunched together, his lips drawn into a thin line and his eyes narrowed. He tapped his fingers against his thigh in rhythm, to calm himself down or ground himself, Katsuki wasnʼt sure. What he was sure about was that he couldnʼt panic needlessly.
“What are you sorry for? Did something happen?”
Shoutoʼs sigh was barely audible through the phone but Katsuki heard it nonetheless. His stomach was definitely in somersaults now, though these didnʼt feel as good as they usually did. The tense silence stretched on for too long, the loudness of Katsukiʼs thoughts barely letting him hear the whisper that escaped Shoutoʼs mouth.
“We should break up.”
Katsukiʼs world came crashing down on him.
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Katsuki jolted, nearly punching the person who shook his shoulder before realizing it was merely Kirishima. The redhead widely smiled at him, though it looked a bit forced on the sides, clear concern shining through.
“You okay, Bakubro?”
The blond pondered for barely a second. He thought about all the feelings of pain, anguish, suffering, anger that he kept inside, how he could just say “Fuck it”, and let it all out. But no, this was his problem and he was the one who should be dealing with it, rather than dumping it on his best friend who didnʼt deserve that kind of a burden. Opting to act like nothing was wrong, Katsuki scowled.
(“Iʼm sorry.”
“We should break up.”)
“Why wouldnʼt I be?”
Kirishimaʼs smile lightened a little, accepting his answer for what it was. Katsuki honestly wondered how Kirishima even managed to put up with him when all Katsuki ever seemed to do was push him away. The redhead truly had the patience of a thousand suns. The whole squad exited Katsukiʼs room, looking like they were ready to just fall into their beds and sleep for months. Everyone shared their versions of ‘goodnightʼs and walked back to their rooms. Kirishima lingered behind for a few seconds, watching as everyone disappeared out of sight one by one. He turned to Katsuki, who was already making his way back to his room.
“Bakugou?”
Katsuki hummed, prompting Kirishima to continue, “You know Iʼm here if you ever want to talk?”
The blond turned to stare at the redhead, raising an eyebrow. Kirishima waved his hands and flailed his arms in front of him with a panicked look on his face, “Not that Iʼm calling you weak or anything! What Iʼm trying to say is, that, well, youʼre my best friend. And if there is anything thatʼs, like, troubling you, you can talk to me. Even if I might not be the best person to help, I will try my best to listen.”
“Kirishima,” the redhead cut his nervous rant off, looking up at the blond, “Thank you.”
The redhead beamed at the words, nodding and shouting out a good night, waving to Katsuki before stepping into his room. The blond sighed, shutting his door behind him and leaning against it, his legs giving out from the sudden flood of emotions he had been trying to keep at bay. Slumping to the ground, Katsuki wrapped his arms around his legs and hid his face from the emptiness of the room, like it would help hide him from the emptiness in his chest.
Katsuki blinked back the tears threatening to spill over, scowling at himself, at how pathetic he was being. It had already happened, it had already happened, Katsuki couldnʼt change a damn thing, except maybe his feelings. But considering the void that had opened up somewhere deep inside of him, Katsuki didnʼt think he could just gather his feelings, lock them in a box and put it on fire like he usually did. It was like the happiness was completely sucked out of him, and Katsuki wondered if he would ever feel the joy of loving someone again.
Though, he never actually had Shouto, did he?
(Perhaps if he had, it would have been easier to let go.)
“Why the sudden break up?”
Katsuki barely kept his voice from shaking. Barely kept his tears from spilling. Barely kept himself in check. He shouldnʼt cry over something so small. It wasnʼt a big deal. Itʼs not like he could force Shouto to continue being in a relationship that he most poebably didnʼt want.
“I think...” Shouto trailed off, as if trying to string an explanation together, to make the blow of his words a little easier to bear—Katsuki didnʼt think the words would get easier to hear no matter how many times he heard them—and continued whatever explanation he had, “We just canʼt do this, Katsuki.”
Katsuki trembled from rage or pain or a sense of being overwhelmed, wanting to punch something. Shouto had only ever called him as ‘Bakugouʼ, he wanted to ask so badly, wanted to shout, ‘Why the sudden change now that you might never be mine again?ʼ, but he couldnʼt.
“We have our hero careers and I... want to focus on it instead of distracting myself.”
Katsuki barely held back the words, ‘So I was just a distraction to you?ʼ, not knowing how he managed to crumble a word together to respond with, “Okay.”
Shouto paused, as if surprised, “You agree?”
Katsuki silently breathed in, trying to keep the lump in his throat from being prominent, “Yeah, sure. I understand, or whatever.”
“Okay. Thank you, Katsuki.” A pause before—, “Goodbye.”
Katsuki tried to say it back, he really did. His mouth moved, he formed the words, but his voice escaped him. He abruptly brought the phone forward and hung up on the call, a form of goodbye from him, except Katsuki didnʼt think he could ever actually say it, whether it be a day or decades later.
He looked up from his arms, staring at the dark, empty space of his room, trying to match it with the emptiness that was inside of him. He had so many questions, so few answers, none which made sense anyways. Except, the only conclusion he could come to. The only thing that seemed plausible, that seemed like the right reason, but Katsuki didnʼt want to accept it. He couldnʼt accept it so easily.
(“Iʼm in love with you.” Shouto had never said it back.)
Katsuki clutched at his arms and wept.
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A/N: Hi, guys! Sorry for suddenly disappearing off the face of earth. Iʼm back now though. (Exams really took a toll on me.) And I will be posting anything new or old that has been posted on ao3 by sssoukoku. Theyʼre an amazing writer! Even though they need time to recover from some personal issues before they can make an appearance again. Please be patient and understanding, thank you!!!