That day started out as shit.
I'd woken up late for school, missed my bus, and had to ride to school with my father, who, understandably, was annoyed I'd over slept and now needed a ride which would in turn make him late to clock in at work.
I should also mention, I didn't actually oversleep. What actually happened was that the day before, my boyfriend of two months had unceremoniously dumped me at the bus stop before not after loading into the bus to take us home. Meaning I had to then get on said bus and ride sitting alone while I watched Jeremy sit next to Chelsea the entire way to my house.
I'd done my best to keep my composure in the back of that bus, but when I got off and rushed into my house, I had cried so much my eyes were swollen shut.
It wasn't like I was in love with him or anything, but he was my first boyfriend and that first time heartbreak hurts like a son of a bitch.
I'd intentionally missed the bus to avoid riding with Jeremy again.
I'd called my best friend Rebecca to tell her to meet me outside of the cafeteria at lunch so I wouldn't have to walk in alone and then I'd gone to bed with my plan.
Sometimes I wonder how different it could have all played out if I'd just decided to suck it up and get on that bus with Jeremy. Or maybe if I'd played sick and skipped that entire day of school all together.
But I didn't.
My father dropped me off at the front of the school and we said our typical goodbyes wishing each other a good day. Mercifully, Rebecca was still standing outside of the doors waiting for me to walk in.
"Hey," I'd told her when I linked my arm through hers and we walked inside together. "I don't want to be here."
"You're not supposed to want to be here." She'd reminded me. "This is school. We hate school."
"Right, teenage rebellion and all that." I nodded with her.
We went to walk up the back stairwell when someone called Rebecca's name and we stopped, turning to see who it was.
A boy was pushing his way through the crowd, holding his binder up over his head to wave it at Rebecca.
He came over and asked her something about a homework assignment. I wasn't listening to them until I saw that Jeremy and Chelsea were walking in together.
I turned my attention to Rebecca and the boy and when I did...
My eyes met his and he smiled politely and nodded his chin. "How are you?" He asked.
"Doing good." I'd lied.
"I've noticed you in the gym." He said casually. "Missy, right?"
He'd said my name correctly. He didn't call me Misery, and didn't even call me Missouri. And did he just say he had noticed me?
It was such a strange way to start a conversation with someone you've gone to school with your whole life, but have never once actually spoken to or taken notice of.
I may not have ever really taken notice of him before, but I certainly was then.
He was at least a head taller than me with a head full of dark blonde hair that kissed the tops of his full shoulders. I was caught up in thinking how beautiful it was, how it curled slightly at the ends. I'd almost asked him what kind of conditioner he used, but then I got distracted all over again when I fully met his eyes.
Deep set and shadowed by a heavy brow, I'd never seen eyes so blue. They were as pale blue as the horizon between the mountains in the dead of winter.
He stared at me, waiting for a response. "Oh yeah, I've seen you around." I lied. I knew he was there, but I'd never seen him. Not like I was seeing him now.
"You still live over off of Ranch Rd?" He'd asked, staring at me with this weird intensity.
"No," I'd said seriously, schooling my expression to remain serious. "I'm homeless. I live in a box under the highway over pass."
I don't know why I'd said it. Sometimes I just would say random things to get reactions out of people. And, usually, those people would know I was just talking shit, laugh it off and call me dumb then move the conversation along.
Not him though.
He'd blinked hard, two lines forming between his eyebrows as his full lips turned down at the corners. "You're homeless?" He'd said, his voice no longer confident and even as it had been, now it was low and unsure.
"Oh my god." Rebecca slapped my shoulder. "Stop messing with him."
"No, I'm not." I said quickly, then smiled, looking down at myself and back up at him. "You think I look homeless?" I laughed, putting an offended hand to my chest. "Wow."
"No." He breathed, the tense stance in his shoulders relaxing. "I just-I didn't know." He laughed a little, finally getting that I was joking.
It wasn't until then that I realized he knew where I live.
"How'd you know that?" I asked, then clarifying adding. "That I live off of Ranch, I mean."
He shrugged his shoulders, pulling his backpack up onto his shoulder. "I used to live in the trailer park on down the road, I used to see you and your parents pull off that road when I'd be out riding my bike."
That's twice.
Twice he'd given hints at taking notice of me, and here I was, just now realizing I've known this boy my entire life, and never once saw him. We passed in hallways or sat on opposite sides of classrooms, but had never actually crossed paths like this, yet, he noticed me.
I don't know why something about that made me feel a little special.
I'd assumed my emotions were playing tricks with me. I'd just gotten dumped after all. My insecurity was like a heavy blanket I couldn't seem to shake but for that moment, looking into those ridiculously blue eyes, I didn't feel the weight. I didn't feel like the girl who had just been discarded by someone who said they loved me two days ago. I felt like a girl who got noticed. Noticed for something other than being Misery.
"This is Aries." Rebecca added, standing beside us both awkwardly.
It wasn't until she spoke that I realized a few beats had passed where we were just looking at each other, both smiling.
"I know." I forced a laugh, pushing that weird warm feeling away.
I did know. I knew his name and I knew he played drums in the school band. I knew he had a lot of friends but wasn't exactly popular, but definitely not an outcast. I knew his dad drops him off at school at the same time as my bus lets off. But that's all I really knew. And I didn't like that anymore. For some reason, that wasn't enough information for me.
So I kept talking.
And he kept talking.
And before I knew it, the bell had rang, Rebecca was gone and we were the only two left standing at the foot of the stairs alone in that hallway.
"What class do you have next?" He'd asked and I told him I was heading to Mr. Mccury.
"I'll walk with you." He said, already turning to head up the stairs. I walked behind him, noting his clothes.
They were older, clearly well worn. Faded out blue jeans over scuffed Nike sneakers and a tshirt he'd crudely cut the sleeves off. His dirty black backpack had pins and stickers all over it, his baseball hat he almost always had on hanging from one of the straps.
"Where do you live now?" I asked, catching up to his pace.
"Huh?" He said then shook his head. "Oh right, I moved over to West Bend."
West Bend was known for being the crappier part of Faulkner. Lots of tiny lots and houses squished together, barely separated by the chain link fences.
"Oh cool." I'd said. "You live with..."
I let the question draw out, hoping he'd pick it up.
He did. "Just me and dad." He'd told me, shrugging that left shoulder again. "It's nothing fancy but it's just the two of us so it works. My mom died when I was little."
"Oh," I didn't have better words than that. I couldn't imagine not having both of my parents or my brother. My heart pinched in pity.
"Don't look at me like that." He'd said, a shy smile as we turned a corner. "I hate when people give me that look. It's fine. Dad and me get along just fine."
"I'm still sorry." I'd told him, meaning it. For whatever reason, I didn't like the idea of him hurting in any way, even if he says he's not. Growing up without your mother had to be hard.
He'd just shrugged. "You going to the gym today?" He said instead of acknowledging my apology.
"Uh, yeah I think, why?"
I'd felt so awkward, like my head was swimming.
Another shrug, that same shoulder. "Maybe I'll say hey or something this time."
I'd laughed. "Ok." I rolled my eyes and turned to my classroom door. "Maybe I'll say hey back."
"I guess we will see."
"I guess we will."
He turned to walk away and I called to him. I liked the way his name felt on my tongue.
"What class do you have this period?"
"Math, Mrs. Tudor."
"Oh, ok," I'd nodded, a stupid grin on my face.
"What?" He'd asked.
I smiled harder. "Nothing."
"What?" He asked again smiling now too.
"Nothing."
He pursed his lips around a grin and shook his head. "Ok, Missy."
"Ok, Aries." I said back playfully. "Have fun in math."
"Oh I won't." He'd pulled his bag up again onto one shoulder and turned to walk around the corner out of sight.
His class was on the complete opposite side of campus.
And he'd still wanted to walk with me to mine.
I felt this weird giddy excitement course through me as I went on to class. I wondered when I'd see him again. I tried to play out the different conversations and how they'd play out, readying my responses to his imagined ones.
By the time the end of the day came, I'd completely forgotten all about Jeremy and his betrayal.
I'd rushed to the locker rooms getting changed quickly and then headed out to meet the rest of the basket ball team out on the court.
Across the gym on the bleachers the band was setting up to practice their performance for the end of the week's pep rally.
I did my best to seem casual as I stole glances to the other side of the gym between drills. Eventually, he walked in. The gymnasium doors groaning with his entry.
His eyes went straight to me.
I smiled, he smiled.
He lifted his chin and put his hand beneath it to give me a nerdy wag of his fingers before he stuck out his tongue and went to join the others.
"No." Rebecca said beside me.
"No what?" I'd blushed, turning to watch the rest of the team waiting for coach to tell us what to do next.
"Anyone but Aries." She'd told me and I turned to look at her as innocently as I could.
"What, do you like him or something?" I asked very carefully. My breath hung on her answer. I already knew if she said yes that it was gonna crush my mood.
She scrunched her face up. "No, absolutely not." She'd laughed. "I'm just saying he's not the guy to rebound with, ok? Just literally anyone else."
"Rebound?" I'd scoffed. "Not even, we're just friends."
But were we? Were we friends even? We had talked once and he'd waved at me. That was all obviously very innocent not a big deal kind of stuff.
I'd gotten home that night and constantly checked all of my social medias, hoping I'd get a new friend request or message from him. That's what friends do, right? They'd have a great moment and then they'd add each other and talk some more.
I waited all weekend.
But he never did.
He never reached out.
Never asked anyone for my number.
I felt a weird rush of disappointment. Most of the guys I dated, this is how it worked. I waited, and they'd call or text or something, if they're interested.
Maybe he just wasn't interested.
Maybe the walking to class and noticing me had just been him being friendly.
By all accounts of what I knew of Aries Carter, he was a friendly person. He talked to everyone all the time. Maybe I was just another person he'd talked to that day and the moment meant nothing more significant to him than that.
But I didn't accept that.
It only made attaining Aries Carter's attention that much more alluring.
You could say I was always competitive.
If he wasn't going to reach out...
Then I would.
I'd gotten his number from a guy I knew had band with him, and Sunday night sitting alone in my bedroom I sent him the first text.
For the next three months, my mind would be ever consumed by the mystery of Aries Carter.
I've wondered a thousand times over, had I just not been so stubborn. Had I have just let it go. If I would have just taken the bruised ego and moved on....
If I'd never sent that first text...
Maybe I'd still have a small piece of my heart left at least.
Because the piece I gave to him...The one I served up on a silver platter for him to take...I never got it back.