Today was the day I started chemotherapy.
I had slept surprisingly well last night after River had taken the time to console me, and helped me understand that we were all new to this. Nobody has experience with cancer. Nobody ever expects to have it. There was always an art of surprise in life, and just as there was, everything has two sides. Ying and Yang, if you will.
I was woken by footsteps heading through my apartment and I had caught River and Auden on their way out. They apologized for waking me and informed me they planned to find a good place to buy brunch, since it was later in the morning, and they would be back.
I offered to tell them the best places, and they politely declined. Something about the adventure. I could imagine that Auden was very cultured and he had eaten food that cost more than my entire apartment.
Fifteen minutes after that, my doorbell rang.
I figured it was them and they had forgotten something. Except it wasn't.
When I opened my door, I froze.
The person standing at my door had two lattes in her hands and I definitely wasn't expecting to see her today. She usually showed up unannounced but I always had a little hint before her arrival. Either a text containing a question, as she often brought food, or an emoji that would be suggestive if she were texting a guy. Our friendship had no boundaries.
"Lucy!" I cried out, my mood lifting instantly.
"Surprise!" She grinned, and stepped into my apartment, "I thought you'd enjoy a little coffee date. Normally, I'd ask you out, but you know. It's calmer in here anyway."
She set down the lattes on the little stand by my front door, where I typically tossed my keys, and then I had my arms thrown around her. My emotions won out.
I hugged her so tightly, I feared she would complain but she squeezed back. She seemed to understand that I needed to comfort a hug brought, and I had missed seeing her every day at practice. There were so many changes in my life that I felt lost. It was like being thrown into the ocean without a lifejacket and told to swim to shore when only water surrounded me.
"How've you been, Aida?" She whispered into my hair, refusing to let go. "I saw you went to Central Park... I wish they would leave you alone."
"It's been... difficult," I admitted truthfully, "I don't know how to handle this, I feel like I've just been pretending. I have to start chemo this afternoon, and I'm really scared."
She pulled back, hands resting on my shoulders. Emotion glittered in her green eyes. "You're the strongest person I know, Aida, believe me. You're going to make it through this. It can't beat you. It might be really scary, but you're always so brave. Can I tell you a secret?"
I nodded.
"When I first met you, I wanted to be you."
My eyebrows furrowed. "Why? I wasn't anyone then."
"You were everything I wanted to be," Lucy said, "You were confident, you were graceful, and you would practice and practice until you got every motion flawless. It didn't matter how long it took or how tired you were, you kept going until you got it."
"You have to for ballet."
"No, you did it because it was your dream. You pushed yourself. You wanted the stars, and you reached for them."
I sighed. A heaviness settled in my chest, which I couldn't decide was good or bad because it brought pain nonetheless. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Don't you see? You're still that determined person. You've still got that fight in you," Lucy told me, the contagiousness of her hope reaching my heart, "Dream of dancing again, Aida."
I held back small tears that rose. "Oh, Lucy, you're the best best friend anyone can ask for."
"I will never give up on you," She said, quietly, "I'm glad your brothers came to stay because I think it's good for you. Family is everything in the end. If I still had people who cared, I would definitely want their support in hard times."
"You have me," I said. I knew that Lucy had left her family in Minnesota because they were abusive and they didn't want her to pursue a career in ballet. They had kicked her out of the house when she was eighteen, and she came to New York City on the next flight. "I'll be your family."
She smiled, "I don't deserve you."
"Well then, we're two undeserving individuals who have each other."
"Alright," She rolled her eyes, though I saw the glisten, and she walked into my kitchen, "That's enough heartfelt stuff for today. Are you home alone today? Do we have time to binge a cheesy romance movie and make fun of the idiotic love interest?"
I groaned. "I'd rather watch--"
"Outer Banks, I know," She cut me off with a grin, "But we've rewatched the first two seasons so many times, I could recite every single word. Season three won't come out for another six months. Let's take a break from the treasure hunting?"
"Oh, alright, but we're not watching Five Feet Apart. That tore a hole in my heart and I still haven't gotten over it."
"You've got a soft heart. We need to toughen you up so that eventually, you will let me torture you with some of Colleen Hoover's books. They're really good."
She had been trying to get me to read these popular books for the past few months but all my focus had been on ballet. I had convinced myself that I had no time for anything else, and like yesterday, I realized that I could read again now. Perhaps I would pick her up on her recommendation list, which I was sure had to be extensive.
I must have zoned out for a second because Lucy was looking at me. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Your brothers... home or no?"
"River and Auden went out to find some lunch, I can just text them and tell them to enjoy their morning," I said, "Warren is still here but he won't bother us." To be perfectly honest, I hadn't seen Warren since he and Auden had fought last night.
"Perfect," She gathered snacks from the small pantry, "We need to catch up on things."
"Yes, we do! How's practice been?"
Something must have changed on my face because Lucy paused. She studied my face for a moment, before she said, tentatively, "It's been good, not a lot has changed. Mrs. Jules is still drilling us about our movements. It needs to flow better than water," She mimicked her voice, and then chuckled, "Everything is according to plan for Broadway--"
"Don't stop," I urged her when she abruptly cut herself off, "Mrs. Jules still has me as their lead? I'm sure I can be there."
She hesitated. "Yeah...yeah. I mean, like I said, not a lot has changed."
I noticed the change in her voice. A lie. "What aren't you telling me?"
"It's nothing," She dismissed, walking into my living room, "Come on, can we just have a girl's day?"
I followed her but remained standing. "I want to go visit the studio, has Mrs. Jules missed me?"
"I think you should focus on getting better."
"I will, but I think a visit to the studio will lift my spirits, too."
Lucy sighed. Something heavy crossed her expression, one of confliction and despair, though she voiced none of it. "Are you going to sit down or stand there all day?"
Why was she being like this?
I didn't understand. Slowly, I took a seat beside her. I still had questions that I wanted to ask, and answers that I needed, but I felt like she didn't want me to know the answers. For whatever reason, she wasn't voicing the truth. Had something happened at the studio? What if Mrs. Jules replaced me? Was there a rumor that the paparazzi had made up? What was happening out there?
My thoughts spiraled. I only knew one thing for sure.
I needed to get better, and soon.
☼ ☼ ☼
Hospitals were terrifying.
I didn't think I could walk through those doors alone. It was a good thing that River and Auden had decided to come with me. When they had returned to my apartment with lunch, I felt like I could barely eat. I was nervous and scared and anxious. Lucy gave me one last hug before she headed out, and then we left shortly after for the hospital.
Bad memories floated through my mind.
Some part of my mind still registered the pain that had brought me here in an ambulance a few days ago. I could still smell the sterilization they used. I could still hear the chaos of voices shouting over me. I could feel myself panicking without even being there. Except, I had been there, and I was terrified to be there again.
"Hey, look at me."
I looked up and met Auden's gaze.
"You're going to be okay," He said, softly. There was so much understanding in his eyes, I really didn't know how he could exist. Who can understand my pain? He gently slid his hand into mine, and gave a firm squeeze, "Let's do this together, my little Aida."
I took a deep breath, squeezing his hand brought comfort and support. I put one foot in front of the other and walked into the hospital with both of my older brothers at my side. The subtle differences between them, and how they saw my struggle, was astounding. Auden would always present with me, and River would always let me find my own way. Both were a sturdy foundation in this storm I found myself in.
Their strength, their heart, it was my everything.
Even when I felt like my world was crumbling down in this very moment of the unknown. I had agreed to try chemotherapy but Dr. Welch had said there was a chance it wouldn't help. I had known that prior to ever scheduling this appointment.
My cancer had progressed so quickly in my system, the chances of anything good were low, but the support system that I had kept my hopes alive. River's wisdom. Auden's love. Lucy's encouragement.
I needed the chemotherapy to work. For all of us.
My fingers were shaking by the time we were done registering and we took a seat in the waiting area. There were other patients waiting and they didn't look any better than I. There was a young girl with a blue stuffed animal on her lap, her mother was visibly trying to keep herself together, and I realized the little girl didn't have hair. A hand-knit hat was pulled over her head. The little girl played with the stuffed animal and swung her legs back and forth.
There was an older gentleman sitting alone in the corner. He was slouched, leaning heavily on his left side. He seemed to be having trouble breathing and I noticed the backpack with an oxygen tank at his feet. He stared down at the floor, vacancy in his eyes.
Another teenage girl sitting with her parents. She had tissues in her hand, continually wiping away tears. Her mother was emotional as well. I didn't see the obvious signs of anything wrong, she seemed normal.
Except that was the thing, we were all normal people who had our lives flipped upside down.
I didn't know what the person sitting next to me was dealing with. They could have been told they have seventy-two hours left to live. Someone else could have been told there was a cure. I think that's what I hated about hospitals the most. Everyone was suffering.
I held onto the sleeve of Auden's jacket. I hadn't let go of him, even if I had needed to sign the paperwork, because I was afraid that I was going to be alone. I couldn't do any of this alone.
The hospital staff had been extremely kind and understanding when I stuttered or zoned out from all the anxiety I felt. If they knew of my condition, there wasn't pity in their gazes. They just wanted to offer the best care, and I trusted them to do so. Even if I didn't understand what was happening.
Dr. Welch came to see me. He asked how I was doing and if things had gotten worse. I told him the truth, I vocalized my anxiety. If there was any place to be as honest as one could be, it was in the face of fear. I was putting my trust in these people and I wanted them to know how scared I was.
They explained the entire process to me, and they told me what I should expect and the side effects that may begin within the first few days.
My brothers were aware, too, as they were involved in my care now.
Before I was taken back for my first round of chemotherapy, I reached out for someone. An IV had been placed in my right hand, I was changed into a paper-thin hospital gown, and the nurses were ready to take me. But Auden and River were there the moment I reached out. They both took each of my hands, gentle and firm. A world of words was spoken in the small gesture, it eased my fraying nerves.
"We'll be here," Auden assured me.
River leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "You've got this, brave girl."
No matter what, I had my family.
My strength.
☼ ☼ ☼
Oh, I'm not ready for this.
I debated about how to write the first chemo session. I don't want to focus on the hospital aspect, so I decided to minimize scenes like this. If it felt like the process went too quickly, that's why. Also, yes, Warren should be there. He will be. (I'm going to kick his fictional ass because I'm tired of his difficult personality)