~Ryan Kelly~
I heard a knock on the door. I got up and went to open it.
"Hey."
"Hi," I greeted. I tried to look past her. "Where are the kids?"
She sighed, "They didn't wanna come."
I bowed my head in disappointment. I stepped aside to let her in and closed the door behind her. "They'll never forgive me... will they?"
"They will. You're their father. You just have to prove you're really and truly sorry."
"And how do I do that?"
Karla shrugged. "I don't know. But we'll figure that out later. For now, you have an appointment in two hours to worry about. Have you had breakfast?"
I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"Not hungry."
"When was the last time you ate?"
"Last week... the last meal we had together was the last meal I've had."
"Ryan... a week?! That meal you're talking about wasn't even a meal, you were just trying to get something down to please me! When was the last time you had a full plate of food?"
I sighed. "I haven't had an appetite since you left before the divorce."
Her eyes widened. "Why?! That's like almost two months!"
"Cause... well... I was confused... and my mother only ever needed me to please her... so... I just stopped taking care of myself and no one cared to ask if I was ok."
She raked her hair back. I could sense her disappointment. She sighed. "What would you like for breakfast?"
"Anything. As long as I don't have to eat alone."
"Ok."
Karla made waffles and made us both a mug of coffee. Hers, dark but sweet, mine, extra creamy.
"Breakfast," she sighed placing my breakfast in front of me.
She sat beside me in front of her own breakfast.
I picked up my fork then stared at my plate. I looked at Karla who was also staring at her food holding her fork. She looked at me. "Eat up," she encouraged.
"You too."
She chuckled. "You don't have an appetite either, huh?"
I sighed, "Yeah. But you put a lot of effort into this though."
Karla got up with her plate, "Yeah but, we aren't in an eating mood." She took mine, "I guess we'll just save it for another day."
"Wait!" She stopped. "Can I at least taste it?"
She put the plates down, "But you just said you don't have an appetite."
"Yeah but... I wanna at least taste what you put a lot of work into."
She picked a piece of waffle with her fork and held it in front of me. I leaned forward and ate it. "Mmm..."
"Is it good?" she asked.
"Yeah!" I picked a piece of waffle with my fork. "Taste," I smiled showing her the fork.
She ate from my fork. "You're right."
I took a plate from her and began eating the waffles. As I ate, I realised how hungry I actually was. It was as if the more I ate, the hungrier I got. I finished all the waffles on my plate in a matter of 10 minutes.
I was still hungry.
I looked at Karla who stared at me still holding her plate. "Are you... going to eat that?" I asked her.
She looked down at her plate, then smiled. "I'm glad you're eating." She placed her plate in front of me then sat beside me to watch me eat. "You've lost so much weight. Even your tailored suits look loose on you."
"Mmm hmm," was all I could get out with my mouth full.
"You know... I thought about everything we spoke about the last time I was here." I stopped eating and looked at her. "About your mother and all the trauma she's caused you."
I swallowed the food I had in my mouth then looked down at my plate.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I can't imagine what it's like. I won't pretend I understand. I just hope you get the help you need, so that you can at least live with it. I know, our marriage was not real but just know that... I was in love with you. And I married you by choice for that reason."
"Do you still love me?" I asked her.
She was silent for a moment. Probably thinking about it. She then let out a sigh. "Yes Ryan. I do still love you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I'm just hurt. You hurt me so much throughout our 11 years of marriage.
"You didn't even love me when we got married. You cheated on me with your own mother since day one. Not to mention all those other women. You never spent time with me or your children. You hit me for no reason. So I was hurt."
"I'm sorry," I said looking at her. "I know I made you suffer. Truth is... I didn't even know what love was. My mother's love, was all I wanted and her love was fucked up. It was the love you refused to give me. Thats why I cheated. A lot."
"You confused sex for love?"
"How could I not? It's all I've ever got from my own mother. Thats why I stay away from the children, I thought you were doing a great job raising them, and I didn't wanna ruin that. So I stayed away and let you do that cause I want my kids to be good people, not like me."
"You're not a bad person."
I scoffed, "Have you seen me?"
Karla sighed. "They need a dad though."
"Their dad needs to learn what love is or he's going to hurt them."
Karla groaned raking her hair back with both hands, "This is so confusing. What are we going to do?"
She looked at me. I took her hand and held it with both of mine. "Well... we never really got to know each other before we got married. It was just thrown onto us."
"Yeah... I would like us to get back together, but on better terms."
"How about dinner, tonight? Wherever you want," I offered.
"That would be nice."
"I must warn you though, I have no idea what love is."
"It's ok. I'll show you."
~Zinhle Mpumelelo~
"Breakfast," I sighed, placing a plate in front of Leon.
I put my plate down and sat beside him. I looked at him. He was so deep in thought, he didnt even notice the food. I sat and watched him for a moment.
He sat staring ahead, a blank expression on his face. His right hand rested on his thigh, while he had his left elbow on the table. His left hand held a fidget spinner close to his ear. He occasionally spinned it with his finger.
I did notice his jaw pop once in a while. He was gritting his teeth. He only did this when he was angry. And the only person who got him this angry was Ryan. He was probably thinking of his appointment in an hour. The psychologist is having a session with the both of them.
"Leon?" I called.
I snapped my fingers in front of him.
He blinked. He then looked at me. I gestured at his plate.
"Oh, thank you."
"You're welcome."
We started eating when he spoke, "I'm nervous to see Ryan."
"That's only normal."
"I know but... what if I snap? What if I kill him out of anger?"
"You won't. You're a good person. And if you get angry, take a deep breath and count to ten. Get out of there for some air if you have to. Just dont let yourself lose control."
He nodded.
"I'll be outside the whole time too, so don't worry. Ok?"
"Thanks Zee."
"What do you think you'll talk about?" I asked him after a while of silence.
"Our childhood. Growing up together. She's probably going to try and find the root of this tension between us."
"What if she's already figured out the root and wants you two to sort it out."
"And how would she do that? She only knows my side of the story."
"True."
"Plus, one thing Ryan and I have in common, is that we don't talk about feelings and sentimental things. One thing we can agree on, is that emotional aspects of things, are a woman's thing. So I know Ryan would never go see psychologist alone, even if he's going crazy."
"Again, you should really get out of that mindset."
After our breakfast, Jude came and gave us a lift to the mental health facility.
"Thanks for the ride Jude, we really appreciate this," I thanked as Jude turned off the engine.
"It's not a problem," he smiled through the rear view mirror.
We got out of the car and helped Leon onto his wheelchair.
"Jude. May I have a word?" Leon requested.
I looked at him. Last time I checked Leon doesnt like or trust Jude, now he suddenly wants to talk? Doesn't sound right. He gave me a reassuring nod and mouthed a "Don't worry."
I took a step aside to let them talk. When they were done, Jude left and I pushed Leon into the clinic. We went to reception.
"Hi there, how can I help you?" the receptionist smiled warmly.
"Hi... I have an appointment with Carina van Zyle," Leon stated.
The receptionist did a bit of typing before she sighed, "You are... Leon Kelly?"
"Yes."
"Okay... Just go down the hall, at the second intersection turn and you'll see Carina."
"Thank you."
I pushed him down the hall and took a right. A few feet from us stood the psychologist. She smiled.
"Glad you could make it. It's good to see you again Zinhle," she greeted.
"Hi," I greeted.
"Leon, are you ready?"
Leon took a deep breath and looked at me. I gave him a nod. He then looked at Carina, "Yeah... I'm ready."
"Alright. I'll take you from here. Zee, you can wait for him in the next room, it's opened."
I nodded and left.
I walked into the room I was instructed to wait in. It seemed like a nice lounge. It also seemed I wasn't the only one.
The woman noticed me and looked up from her magazine.
"Zee?"
"Karla?"
She got up and gave me a hug. "What are you doing here?" she enquired.
"I'm helping Leon around. And you?"
"I'm helping Ryan back on his feet."
"I thought you were done with him."
"I thought you were moving on." Karla sighed. "Seems like we have a lot to catch up on."
"Seems so," I agreed.
~Ryan Kelly~
"Mr Kelly, good to see you," Carina greeted giving me a handshake. She turned her attention to my ex. "And you must be Karla. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."
"Karla, may I ask that you wait next door, Ryan come with me."
I looked at Karla. She gave a smile and mouthed, "You'll be fine." She gave me a pat on the shoulder as she walked past.
I followed Carina into her office.
"Here's your seat. Leon hasn't arrived just yet."
I sat down with a sigh.
"Excited?" she asked.
"Nervous," I confessed.
"That's ok. Just take deep breaths." A notification bell went off. "Leon has arrived. I'll go get him."
Carina left.
I took a deep breath. I hadn't seen Leon in a long time. And the last time I did, he almost killed me. I remember the look in his eyes. The hatred. The pure intention to do me harm for his mother.
Now that I've lost mine, I understand where he was coming from. Sure my mother was something else but... the fact that she's gone forever and its my fault... it weighs heavily on my conscience. So I understand why Leon hates me so much. And if he wants to kill me today, I won't blame him. I did this to myself when I chose to leave Elaine there.
I heard as the door was opened. I looked up to see Leon on wheelchair being pushed my Carina. She left him a few feet across from me while she sat perpendicular to us both to form a triangle.
"Gentlemen," she began with a sigh, "good afternoon. Leon, how are you feeling today?"
He looked at Carina, "I'm alright thanks."
"Ryan? How about you?"
"I'm ok," I stated.
"Right. Anything you two would like to ask or say to each each other before we begin?"
I looked at my half brother. He didn't look at me. He just stared down at his right fist which was covered in a cast.
I decided to be the good example for once and spoke, "I hope your legs get better."
Leon looked at me then mumbled a "Thanks."
I looked at Carina who was taking down a note. "Anything from you Leon?" she asked.
Leon shook his head.
"Ok. So, I've had a few sessions with you both, separately, and you have both confessed this tension between you. If what you both have told me is correct, this tension has been existent since childhood-"
"Since birth," Leon stated in interruption.
"Why do you say that Leon?"
"He's always hated me. I don't remember any form of friendship between us at all. All I remember was me, trying to be like him, looking up to him as little boy but he always pushed me away, hurt me inside and out, out of hatred. He's hated me since birth."
The bitterness in his voice as he spoke. I really caused damage. I didn't even want to look at him, afraid his look would kill me. Afraid his eyes would be daggers piercing into my heart slowly.
"Could you maybe share some examples?"
Leon chuckled, "How many do you need? Cause I got several. I remember when I was five... I wanted us to play cops and robbers. So I took our pellet guns to him and asked that we play together. He yelled at me, saying I wasn't allowed to touch his stuff.
"So he grabbed both the guns and shot at me, everywhere. I remember being in pain all over and he just laughed. He laughed at my pain, my tears... my mother gave him a hiding before attending to me. Then he broke my toy gun. That's the oldest incident I remember."
"Do you remember the incident Ryan?" Carina asked me.
I nodded.
"How old were you?"
"Ten."
"Did you intend to hurt him?"
"Of course he did! He hated me! He always wanted to hurt me! Always!" Leon exclaimed in my place.
"Leon. Calm down. The question was for Ryan." The psychologist turned her attention to me. "Was it your intention to hurt your brother Ryan?"
"Yes," I stated simply.
"Why?"
I looked at Leon. He was already turning red in anger. I was afraid if I answered her question, he would snap. I didn't want to be killed just yet. But I had to answer her question. So I just spat it out.
"My mother told me to."
Leon scoffed. "What kind of mother would encourage their child to hurt another?"
My mother would. But I didn't say that, I knew he wouldn't believe me.
"He's lying! He's just a heartless selfish bitch! So selfish, he would make up lies about his own mother just to justify his actions. What kind of person are you Ryan? Huh? Have you no shame?! Why am I even asking... you don't have shame! You're heartless!
"That's why you left the woman who raised you to die and still had the nerve to show up at her funeral and tell her corpse how much you loved her! That's why you and your mother killed our father! You're so selfish you would kill your role model just because you didn't get what you wanted!"
"Leon... you need to calm down now," Carina stated.
"No! I need to get this out. He spent so much time with our father. So much... because of him, I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad!"
I gulped.
"And he still accuses me of taking his dad away from him. You took my dad away from me! Every fucking day, you two went to work together, you two were always talking and laughing together. You two went to play golf together on weekends. You were always together!
"Tell me Ryan... where was I? I was alone... or I was with my mother. When I wanted to join you guys, you always said "This is not a kids playzone." Remember that?! You two were so close... society believed he only had one son. You. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?!"
Leon had tears streaming down his red face. His hands trembled as he spoke and he struggled to get some of his words out.
I felt bad. Becuase all he said was true. I did spend more time with my father than he ever could. I did accuse him of stealing my father despite that. The world did believe that I was his only son. Leon ceased to exist.
But I didn't kill him. I didn't want my mother to kill him. I really didn't. But I how do I explain that to him without sounding like a liar? How do I get him to understand that without it sounding made up?
Carina handed Leon a box of tissues.
"I'm sorry Leon," I told him.
"You're not sorry! Dont lie! Dont lie to me and don't lie to yourself!" He spat. "You're not sorry. In fact... heard your wife finally left you and your kids hate you. You deserve that."
"Leon... please dont," I pleaded.
"Actually, you deserve much more-"
"Leon I think you need to stop," Carina told him as she noticed tears in my eyes.
"I hope you never find love ever-"
"Leon," Carina warned.
"I hope you live the rest of your miserable life feeling lonely. Feeling empty inside. So empty, that you'll want to kill yourself but each time you do, you survive just to live the aftermath," Leon continued.
I could feel my insides breaking down like a crumbling wall. Bit by bit. With every word, I felt my heart crumble. But he wasn't done. He had lot more to say.
"I hope you lose everything you brag about. Your money, your cars, your house. I hope you lose it all. I hope that even if you're the last man on earth, no woman will ever want you. No actually... I hope someone cuts off your pride and joy.
"But most of all... I hope, you get to live what I lived through. I hope you get to feel the pain that I felt. I hope the trauma I experienced falls on you. I hope... when your mother's time comes... she will die your arms and you'll have nothing to do about it."
By then... Tears were already streaming down my cheeks. A heavy emptiness grew within. It clogged my throat and made it hard to breathe.
The room fell silent. Even Carina was out of words.
Just tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
"My mother is dead..." I managed to mumble. I let out a deep shaky sigh before I tried to go on, "and she did die in my... in my arms..."
I wiped my tears and looked up at Leon. He had a blank expression on his face. Like he just killed someone without knowing it.
Tell him. Tell him everything. He won't understand unless you tell him everything.
"Do you want to know the truth?" I asked.
Carina stuttered, "Erh... umm Ryan, I-I think I should do the explaining-"
"No... I'll do it," I reassured her. "Do you Leon?"
"How did she..."
"Heart attack. On the day I completed my divorce process with Karla. The day my marriage ended, was the day I lost my mother. Sounds like fun... doesn't it? Actually, the funny thing is, I did lose her in the same way you lost yours.
"She dropped in front of me, struggling to breathe. All I could do was hold her in my arms and beg her to breathe..." I closed my eyes as the image flashed in my mind. I opened my eyes again and let out a breath. "I was about to leave her... like dad did... when he left her, it damaged her and I was just about to repeat that... she was begging me not to leave."
"I... didn't mean to-" Leon tried to say.
I raised my hand to tell him to stop. "Dont be sorry. Like you said, I deserve all this."
He shook his head.
"I do... I see it now."
I took a deep breath and stared at my hands.
The room was silent for a good five minutes before Carina cleared her throat. "Well... any more questions before we continue?"
Silence.
Leon was probably out of words. I wouldn't blame him.
There was a lot I wanted to tell him though. A lot I needed to explain and clear out. I just didn't know if he was ready for it. I didn't know if he'd listen or if he'd believe it. He was already angry and now slightly guilty. I've caused the man enough pain.
"Yeah." I looked up, "I've got a question... for you Ryan," Leon stated. He cleared his throat before he spoke again, "Why did you make my mother's life hell?"
I let out a sigh. "I was angry. Ever since Elaine came into my father's life... my mother was so jealous she convinced me that Elaine was a horrible person. I mean at first I didn't believe it or understand cause I was a kid. Four years old, I knew nothing about hate.
"When you were small, I'd often play rough with you, as any boy would. You know, wrestling and rugby. You'd get injured a lot cause of me and being the mother she was, she'd yell at me for doing so. What my mother did though, was she told me that Elaine would yell cause she hated me.
"As I got older, I started to believe it. So, I hated her back. I hurt you, as a way of indirectly hurting her. I beat you up, threw you insults.... I bullied you in order to hurt Elaine as payback for hurting my mother by taking my father away from her."
Leon let out a sigh. "Imma be honest. I don't believe that shit."
I bowed my head as my heart cracked.
"I know how you are. You are manipulative and play victim so you don't seem like the bad guy. I know you. You can't fool me."
"Umm... Leon... I've picked up that you don't believe a lot that your brother says. Why?" Carina asked.
"Because he's a liar! He's selfish and self absorbent. Whenever he says something it's either a complete lie or he did something to make it true."
Carina looked at me. "Any comment?"
I shook my head.
"Does he know about your trauma?"
I shook my head.
"Do you want to tell him?"
I looked at Leon. He stared at me impatiently. I looked back at the psychologist. "There's no point. As you can clearly see, he's not open minded to anything that has to do with me. He just wants to get this over and done with."
"At least you know," Leon spat.
"I asked if you want to. If there's a desire to tell him. Not if he will listen. So I ask you again, Ryan, do you want to tell Leon about your trauma?"
I looked at Leon. I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want to be told I was playing victim. But I did want to be understood. I did want him to know where I was coming from when I did the things I did. Not that it'll justify my actions. I just want to be understood.
So I guess that means yes. I do want Leon to know about my trauma. I just don't want that to backfire.
"I do want to tell him. I just don't want to regret that."
Carina looked at Leon, "Leon... would you like to know about your brother's trauma?"
Leon crossed his arms and scoffed, "This ought to be good."
"You didn't answer my question Leon."
"What trauma could he possibly experience?! His life is practically perfect!"
"Your brother is just as much human as you are. He too can experience trauma like you have. He's not perfect. You always tell me how you just want to understand why he did the things he did. Dont you believe there is a reason for everything?"
"I do. But I don't think there's a good enough reason for him to steal the company then aid in the murder of our father. And on top of that watch my mother go into cardiac arrest and just leave her there, to die.
"Even if there is, I don't think I'd believe it because everything he says is a lie. I need something concrete. Something he can't manipulate even if he wanted to," Leon explained keeping his eyes on me.
I was struggling to hold in tears. It hurt how much he resented me. He didn't believe a word I said. He thought I was plain evil. I don't even think he considers me human. With a heart. With feelings. With problems. With trauma. He doesn't believe it.
I mean i did this to myself. I did this to him. I made him believe all that about me. I made him believe I was perfect. I lied to him so much, he doesn't believe a word I say. It's not his fault. It's mine. I did this to myself.
But now, I had to show him the truth. It was a good thing I brought it with me. I dug in my pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper.
"You remember dad's handwriting don't you?" I asked unfolding the paper. "Here's solid proof of my trauma... if you want more... ask Carina for the video footage," I said handing him the paper.
He took it and looked at me.
"I need a moment. Excuse me."
I left the room as fast as I could. I speed walked down the hall to find no exit. So I decided to go the way I remembered coming in. I exited the clinic and looked around. My vision was quickly going blurry as my eyes filled up with tears.
I stood still for a moment and blinked away the tears. I wasn't going to breakdown crying in the middle of nowhere. I need to pull myself together. I took a deep breath closing my eyes. I opened my eyes again to have my vision cleared.
I then tried again. I looked around for somewhere to hide. Somewhere no one would find me for at least a few minutes. I walked around the clinic and got to an empty smoking area. I took a seat at one of the benches. I rested my arms on the table and bowed my head.
Who would've thought I'd get to such a point. Alone and lonely. Broken and prideless. Overwhelmed and emotional. A mess. A waste. A disappointment. Why am I even still here?