Dear Astraea Russo,
Astraea. You've known me for years. You've seen me on my best and worst days. You were the comfort I craved. You knew I struggled with communication. I never could form the right words to describe how I felt for you. It was easier for me to create music based on my never-ending feelings toward you.
You were the light that ignited a spark in my soul. I'm writing this message for you on my bathroom floor right now. I hope you'll never have to read this, but if you do, I want you to know I'm sorry. When I was eight, I was diagnosed with PTSD and a panic disorder that conquered my life. My dad was too busy to care, and my mom was too sick to help. I was alone. I tried to escape this world when I was eleven. The burden burned my skin. I didn't want to fight anymore.
I never understood why I decided not to take my life all those years ago, but now I get it. I met you. I pushed you away more times than I can count. I didn't want you to help, but deep down, I wanted you to save me. The world tore me down limb from limb. You gave me the balance to stand. I never wanted to put you in the position again, but here we are.
God.
I need you to know that I did fight. I tried to stop the loud echoing voices in my head. I was lucky enough to get clean days before writing these messages. Astraea, you saved my life on many occasions. You filled the void in my heart and soul. You gave me a purpose in this world. I had such an extraordinary person in my life. You were my angel. You saved me. I couldn't ask for a better life. You taught me how to conquer my fear of performing on the stage. We went on tour for six months. You made my life worth living, love.
Astraea. The question lingering in your head is why? I had my happy ending. I had you. I want you to know I will always love you. I was satisfied, but a part of me was slowly dying. It felt like a poison that wouldn't go away. I was dying, Rea. I've always had a part of me that never healed from the trauma when I was a kid. I watched my mom die alone when I was sixteen. My father mentally abused me. He left scars on my heart. I never got clarity. I was tired. I fought to survive even on the days when I didn't feel like waking up. I woke up each day for this beautiful girl who would warm my heart with her smile. You gave me a reason to stay alive even when I wanted to leave this world.
I lost Astraea. I fought the words that echoed in my head every second of every day. I silenced them for many years, but there's a point where your mind and body need a break. Once I stopped fighting, I felt like I was already dead. I could hear my father's words in my mind. I could listen to the voices I created in my head. My biggest enemy has always been myself. Those words burned my skin. Suffering from anxiety was the most loneliness I've ever felt. I was constantly fighting myself until I had nothing left.
I'm sorry, Astraea.
Love Greyson Allori,
♫♫♫
These messages Greyson wrote to Astraea. There are twelve chapters and twelve Unread Messages.