Exhaustion holds no sympathy for the weary.
In order to keep the crowd under a trance, a soul or two had to be sacrificed to the Siren. While I hated to consider what that entailed, it was something I would have to crush down and atone for later.
I sit quietly with Randy as Jan works to clean up what I'd stitched. While she had no medical training, living on a farm, she had sutured her share of animals and could at least recognize what was a vein and what needed to be tied off. My job had been poor at best, a mess of strands that had nearly weakened the artery beyond repair. I can see now how Verando disappeared, what were the chances that I might have succeeded enough to save his life?
"You go to hell for killing yourself, you know that, boy?" John scolds sharply. "Lots of good people here wasting their evening looking for you."
Narrowing my eyes, I growl low in my throat, backing the old man off with a stare that could kill. "We could do without the righteous fury."
Caspian scoffs, "He's practically a demi-god in hiding, perhaps you should consider who you're talking to. There's no place in your heaven for the likes of us."
Randy smirks just slightly, taking a small sip of the whiskey for a pain killer. "Viking death, Valhalla, and what have you. Wouldn't say this qualified for that either."
I shudder at the back and forth, running a hand through my hair. Too much of Caspian for my liking, Tyler and Helen break the tension as more people fill the space to take the need to talk off my shoulders. I was numb, my hands still covered in his blood, my shirt still stained from carrying him, and my hands trembled from the adrenaline coursing through my body.
"We searched the property endlessly, but there was no sign of him. Verando hasn't returned."
In truth, it was hard to know if it was a fabrication of Darrius's imagination or truly caused by Randy's lapse in mental health.
I wasn't coughing up blood anymore, my body didn't feel whole but I no longer felt shredded into pieces. "Was Landon able to figure out what happens to those that vanish?"
It was a vague hope that somewhere he existed and he just had to come and find us. What were the chances? He would have reached out by now unless he were hurt or unconscious, I rub my biceps with grounding energy that I had to hold down the fort until Verando returned. I could do that, I could be the rock. I'd done it before and I could do it again.
"We've got to finish preparing the stalls for tomorrow night, we got lucky, everyone needs to be on high alert to get every human off this property that doesn't have to be here. Did the priest arrive?" I speak to John, pulling him out of his scowling at the injured young man.
Exhaling roughly, he nods. "Got caught in whatever it was the Siren was doing. There's a basket of holy water and some silver bullets."
Randy scoffs. "Silver doesn't affect us."
I grab a decorative piece off the large cabinet, a fork is my weapon of choice, and press it to his arm. The sizzle from both of our bodies satisfies me as I drop it on the table to his startled yelp. "You've not been hit by real silver. It won't kill the werewolf, not if we don't hit you in the heart, but it'll back you off and send you the other way if you get out."
Eyeing the fork, he sighs, nodding in acceptance that we seemed to be more prepared than he expected. "Tanya used to use a sedative?" I turn my attention to Helen.
She considers this, stepping away from Tyler to put space between them, by the look on his face they weren't only looking for Verando. It would appear my drama wasn't the only event to occur tonight. While I couldn't quite tell if they were fornicating or fighting, either one would be met with disapproval. "None that we could get in time."
"Aren't they just animals? Could we not use what we use on the cows?" Jan asks as she wraps Randy's arm.
"We're not cows." Cas interjects roughly, half drunk as he steps through the door. "There's a party outside- oh. There you are, traitor. Where the hell did you go?"
I didn't have time for this. tempted to lock Cas up early, I motion to Caspian to take care of himself and for once, the one-armed man obliges and removes the younger version. "We will have to consider it. Have Landon and K look up the ingredients and see if there are any adverse reactions."
"Allergies would be my concern." Helen frowns, crossing her arms over her chest.
"They're werewolves. An allergy isn't going to kill them, might slow them down, might piss them off, but it won't kill them."
Randy parts his lips, meeting my gaze and for a moment, I fear it might break me. My heart threatens to fracture, my breath catching in my throat, how was he looking more and more like my version with each passing moment? The intensity of his eyes, not yet piercing but still the same blue of an iced crystal. The gray hair, he'd gained some weight in his time with us, but mostly he'd begun to lose the permanent grimace.
Even now, with pale, dark circles under his eye, and chilled, he looked so much more alive than he had when he arrived.
"You all need to get some rest." I tell them, breaking the exchange before I lost it.
"Nic..." Helen frowns. "Are-"
Was this how it felt for Adriam? Functioning as if you were a reanimated corpse, trying to find things to smile about when the very reason you existed couldn't be found?
"We aren't going to talk about this." I put my foot down, I can't take pity on top of everything else. I was a damned King, I'd been through hell and back, I could deal with this. "Understand? Tonic and Echo's team will continue to search through the night. I want hourly checks on Verando, surely he would have needed blood but obviously, that's not an option here."
Relying on the wolf made me uncomfortable but it was what we had to work with.
"Helen, I want you and Tyler to confirm that those stalls are as good as possible. Jan and John, you're going to take Darrius away from here tomorrow and Legardo will go with you with Silvia and Pascal. You need to scout around town and see if there's any talk about what occurred here. Ron needs a report for damage control. Gospel needs to be ready to fight back against any slander."
Controlling the media was as totalitarian as I dared, much as I was for freedom, my family came first and my husband was a dictator after all. The uncomfortable glances tell me that I'm teetering on the edge. Standing up, I yank my shirt off because I can't take the heavy scent of blood any longer. "Verando is not here and much as we all like to forget it, I was the one who was the King of Romania. It's my job to keep this tour on the path that gets these two back home and our Alpha back to us. Now stop looking at me like I've lost my damned mind and get to work. Otherwise, you know where the door is and you'd best be gone by morning."
Turning on my heel, I pass Legardo who informs me that Darrius was attempting to sleep. With the memories of those I'd killed, those who'd died in my arms, flooding back to me from nearly losing Randy, my body was stuck in a weird sense of overcharge. It was like I was back in battle all over again, so close to the one who'd nearly died- it was a completely different feeling than I'd had in years.
Back in those days, we were just surviving day to day, much as we still were it would seem. Only now, I didn't have the excuse of youth and inexperience. Solomonari perform best under stress, I take a deep breath and tell myself that it's time to pull out my training once more.
Entering the room, it was an eerie feeling of loneliness and vulnerability that was foreign to me. With Echo so close, my wolf was on edge about her intentions and it left me vibrating with tension. Verando often soundlessly took watch, staying awake for days at a time, something I'd never considered as I drifted in and out of sleep or entertained myself with his body. His dark circles, much like tonight, from lack of sleep never prevented me from desiring him or kept him from serving me.
Guilt for lack of appreciation of the man brought on a wave of remorse, I drift around the room for vantage points as I attempt to stitch myself back together with points of contact that might prevent a mental breakdown.
I found myself sobbing for the majority of the night, while trying to be strong for Darrius, I was broken almost equally by the loss of Xaiver.
A level of hysteria that I hadn't known in some time was muffled by my pillow as I tried not to wake the sleeping little boy who clutched his daddy's pillow. The boy who I didn't deserve, who forgave me so quickly for all that I'd put him through, who snuggled so soundly into the body of his Tata who struggled to stay awake despite the uncertainty. In an unending limbo of pure exhaustion and relentless fear that someone would hurt us, I drift in and out of consciousness.
Crashing. Burning.
My hand traveled to my stomach each time I gave in to slumber, bringing on a whole new wave of emotion that horrified me in its intensity. Would this agonizing longing ever cease? Would I ever stop wanting something that I could never have? Why would a man have a desire like this, to bear a child? I clutched Darrius impossibly closer for as long as he would let me. Nightmares, longing, I finally feel the darkness like a feather touching a still pool.
Ripples that were unknown to me but it was a depth that hadn't been there before. Darkness consumed the shore with each passing wave, taking more and more real estate with each push of the inky black water. I could understand the overwhelming sense to surrender to it. The weight, the strangulation of defeat, worry, and dread, it was more than I could shoulder alone.
Darrius touches my hand, wrapped around his body. "Love you, Tata." he yawns, pulling me closer.
For this boy, I would endure.
Exhausted, the morning was met with a scenario much like being in court. Holding Darrius on my hip, we're in our pajamas and I'm not ready to face the crowd gathered around the now small-looking kitchen table. Verando's shirt, a pair of shorts, Darrius wearing a similar outfit, I tried my best to look as professional as I could despite the heavy circles under my eyes and reddened cheeks.
The unicorn child was fussy, sniffly, and tired, wanting everything but to be soothed.
Echo stood with Tonic at the head of the table as her commanding officers crowded around the edges of the dining room. Jan was making phone calls, making sure everyone got home I'm sure, I could hear her apologies in the back of my mind as I couldn't block out the static of the other rooms. Tiberius looked startling refreshed and yet mentally, I could tell he was as used up as I was.
We'd been putting a lot of pressure on him to search for Verando, he was trying, and for that, I had to be thankful.
"John and Legardo are finishing up the stalls for tonight." Tonic catches my gaze. I flinch at his face, the Alpha mini-me. "I know you don't want any more delays but with Verando missing..."
How could we send Randy back? Yet, how could we not?
I hold Darrius closer, kissing his cheek as he wraps his arms around my neck to hide from the prying eyes. It was getting more and more difficult to hide that the child was different, we were using him too much and he was creating whispers that he could be the cause for the warlord's disappearance. Too many people had seen too much to keep pretending that he was an Elf and with his current mood, I feared what else might be triggered.
"Everyone's staring," he whispers. "I want them to go away." The room shivers, I clutch him nervously to hopefully soothe the boy. Verando was his commander, his disciplinarian, I'd hardly been alone with the boy for more than an evening.
"They're just shocked by how pretty you are, baby," I tell him, squeezing him before carefully allowing him to slide down my body. "I think I hear Sylvia watching a moving in the living room, why don't you go play?"
Darrius pouts, reaching up to grasp me in an attempt to climb back up. "No! I want up!" I'm startled by the outburst of the mild-mannered boy. "Up!" He shouts, I glance awkwardly at the prying eyes, embarrassed and pleading for any kind of guidance. I was the middle child, there was little I did to help with my siblings and I didn't spend much time with our children in this aspect.
Verando ran a tight ship, he had lived in foster care, and it almost came second nature to him. Without warning, Darrius perks up, tilting his head to listen, "That's not a movie. That's Daddy!"
Running into the living space, I hesitate to rush after him, it was unfair to get my hopes up.
Following the youth, leaving the scrutinizing eyes behind, we enter the living space only to see that it was just the younger version of my husband singing along to a song on the video Sylvia was watching. A movie about an ice queen, one of her favorites, Cas attempted to keep up with the pair but it seemed to be a wasted effort.
Even as a mortal, the man had a true gift to sing. What if the world hadn't been against his kind, what if he could have found his place on the stage in our time? Actors were a dime a dozen but true talent with a handsome face might have landed him in a prestigious place in life. Maybe he would continue his blacksmithing, or travel- siring dozens of children worldwide.
With a sniffle, Darrius turns to cling to my legs, wrenching at my heartstrings. "I want my Daddy."
"We're doing everything we can, baby," I respond softly, eyeing the singing man. He was still pale, not active, just singing along in a seated position. It'd worn him down, perhaps it would be enough to help taper off the change. I'd seen the beast and I was beginning to doubt that a stall would be enough to hold him, the fact he was willing to take his own life to protect us had me questioning the sanity of those willing to remain in this house.
But, we had to contain him. Losing him to the wilderness was not an option.
Randy glances over his shoulder at me, "Want to come sing with us?" he holds out his hand. At first, I thought he was talking to me but I see it's Darrius he's addressing. The boy shakes his head.
"No!"
Pulling his lips into a thin line, I fear what he might do, but instead, he hops up and approaches cautiously. "Has he eaten?" He asks me before rounding me to greet the hiding child.
"No... we just got up." I glance at the late hour, later than I thought.
In quick work, I hear the tiniest giggle. Darrius clutches me a little harder before giggling again, I spy Randy using me to hide and peer at the child. "Want some pancakes?"
"Yes!" Ditching me almost instantaneously, Randy easily catches the boy in the pass over, careful to avoid his injured arm. "I want pancakes! And syrup! And strawberries! And jam!" He says excitedly, I enjoy the hint of an English accent he'd picked up from how much time he spent with Verando, hearing the two talk was too much as I quickly move out of the house, onto the porch to get some air.
He wasn't dead. He was just missing, yet here I was acting as if I'd never see him again. Clutching the large post, I can only take big heaving breaths as I attempt to steady myself. Only, I don't get a moment, as I hear Helen coming out to check on me. "You're the last person I want to see, Helen." I spit, irritated.
"You're not alright." She nearly accuses, exasperated I roll my eyes so heavily it's a wonder I don't fall over. "Nic, you don't have to be alright... you're allowed to be sad and.. to grieve."
"Don't you dare insinuate he's not coming back." I startle myself with the violence in my tone.
Helen knows better than to push, she only nods, not stepping forward or backward. "He's going to come back, Nic. I know you don't need help, but if you want it, I want to make sure you're not to damn stubborn to accept it from me. Much as you might not like it, I'm the closest ally you have in this circus of a team. I want to get him back, too, you know."
I believe her, I believed every word, but how could I trust her? How could I ever fathom getting close to her after what she'd done? After the side she'd chosen? Yet, thinking about Verando and Caspian's relationship, I supposed that that wasn't the true question I was being asked. Shutting my eyes for a moment, I feel sick, realizing I truly hadn't eaten much in the last two days either. "How about some breakfast?" It would make him happy if I made peace with her, I use that to motivate me.
She smiles gently, nodding, "I'd be more than happy to do that."