Blake
My first week has been great so far, my classes are are nice and the students have been cool. I have two lectures in the morning back to back, then a break and another one in the afternoon. I have a TA who's great, I met her on my second day and we hit it off. I haven't seen Ryder since my first morning where he helped me gather my papers that fell.
I was completely taken back when I heard the old nickname he called me. He probably thought I was having a seizure or aneurism since I stood there staring at him at first, without saying a single thing. It was a complete blast from the past, and I knew it was bound to happen since we're both faculty. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.
When I left him that note, it broke my heart. I didn't blame him for what had happened to me, he couldn't have known. I would have never imagined what happened that night, happening to me and I think a lot of people feel that way. I blamed myself for the longest time because I felt like I could have fought harder to get away from him. It was my therapist who convinced me otherwise and that took years.
A piece of my died that night and was left in that room. But it was eventually replaced by a much stronger version of what it once was. If I spend all my time focusing on the why, I'll never move on. It was what I had to tell myself when I sank into a deep depression; at my lowest point. I cut everyone off that night not only Ryder but Riley, Maddox, Cayden, Dylan and other friends I had made.
I was lost, confused, angry, ashamed and hurt. I wanted to feel safe and went to the only place I knew made me feel that way; home. I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he saw me or when I had told him what happened. The same goes for Storm and Corey, they wanted to kill the guy. It took a lot of convincing to hold them back. They're the three men in my life who have always shown me unconditional love, support and respect. They're representations of the kind of man I want to be with.
Ryder was so much like them and I knew once they all met, they would have loved him. But, they never got a chance to. Ryder was the most amazing guy I had ever met, so patient, kind, caring, funny, smart and so unbelievably hard working. He allowed me to be me and never judged me for it. He never rushed things, if anything he took forever to make it official. But that's what I loved the most about him.
Not to mention he's one of the most gorgeous men I've ever laid my eyes on and still is to this day. For how handsome he is, how smart, charming and the amazing football players he was; he could have been so different. But, instead he chose to be kind and selfless. He chose to be a good person and that is what always drew everyone to him.
I won't forget what happened between us that night though. How he picked a fight with me and then walked off to dance and flirt with other girls. That part still hurts me, because I wouldn't have done that to him if the roles were reversed. We were better than that but he chose to be an asshole instead of having a conversation with me.
I'm sitting in my apartment which took me all week to unpack and get set up. Luckily my dad talked me into hiring the delivery guys to set it all up for me. After class every day I came home, unpacked and then slowly started to decorate and make the apartment feel more like me, and more like home.
I forgot to get wine on my way home today so I slide into my sandals and grab my keys. Luckily there's a cool, little market right around the corner so I can just walk over. It's fall, so the temperature has cooled down but there's still that California warmth. I have on leggings and a a long sleeve with my hair up in a bun on top of my head.
I don't plan on seeing anyone I know so I could care less how I look. I get to the market in four minutes and pull the door open, it dings and the cashier flashes me a friendly grin. I walk to the win fridge in the back and pull out a giant bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and then I snag some snacks. I walk over to the front when the door opens and Ryder walks in.
He looks directly at me "Hey" he says in a friendly tone.
"Hi" I must look ridiculous with a bottle of wine in one hand and bags of chips and candy in the other.
He looks at my full hands and smiles "Movie night?" I nod because he still remembers.
"Yeah after a long week it's much needed" the door opens behind him and in comes a beautiful brunette.
She walks right up to Ryder and puts her hands on his shoulder "Alcohol, lots of alcohol" she says with a grin and he gives me an uncomfortable smile.
Her eyes meet mine and she looks between us "Next in line" the cashier calls out and I move forward to pay for my things.
"Have a good night Blake" he says as they walk off towards the back of the store and I don't respond.
The cashier gives me a sympathetic smile like she new exactly what just happened. I finish paying for my things and then I rush out like a bat out of hell. I unknowingly put a pep in my step and practically speed walk back to my apartment where I feel safe. I head inside and take the elevator up to my place.
Once I'm inside, I kick of my shoes and plop down on the couch. I grab the remote from under my ass and turn the TV on. I flip through Netflix and try to find a movie that captures my interest while I unscrew the wine lid and pour into my plastic cup. I try not to think about the awkward run in with my ex and I can't help but wonder if that's his girlfriend. If so, how long have they been together for?
She was beautiful with her giant brown almond shaped eyes and chocolate brown hair. She had a more natural beauty like she was some sort of model. The way she touched him and looked at him, well it made me feel some sort of way that I hate. It's been six years of course he's moved on. Shouldn't I?
I've tried to, when I was ready of course which took a couple years as pathetic as it sounds. I still flinch when a guy reaches towards me, so you can only imagine how bad it was all those years ago. My dad and brother's keep telling me to put myself back out there but I honestly don't know how. I refuse to use a dating app or anything of that sort. I prefer the old fashion way; meeting someone in person.
I do live in a college town again, there are tons of bars and restaurants I could go to and try to make some friends or meet a cute guy. But the thought of showing up to a crowded or busy bar alone gives me anxiety in the pit of my stomach. How do adults meet friends anyways? It feels impossible.
I drink down my first glass and then pour another one. I open one of the bags of chips I got and I start stuffing my face with them. I end up going with the movie Endless Love because it's one of my all time favorites and I haven't watched it in weeks. I set the remote aside and pull the blanket behind me over my legs. I get comfortable and then memories flood through me.
Nights like these when Ryder and I would bing watch scary movies and eat our body weight in popcorn. Or when Riley and I would have girls nights, stuffing our faced with chocolate and chips while crying as we watch one romance movie after the other. I think back to the movie nights we had with all of the guys at their house and how much fun we used to have together. I hate taking trips down memory lane because all it does is remind me of what I lost.
I tried reaching out to Riley a few days after I left but she never answered or returned my calls. I texted her multiple times but eventually gave up after not ever getting a response. I didn't text Maddox or anyone because I didn't know what to say to any of them. I kept ignoring Ryder's calls until I eventually changed my number. I guess after a little, I had this mind set where I couldn't move forward if I kept focusing on the past.
It turns out that's not true at all, because no matter what your past will sneak up on you with a pretty brunette in toe and make you regret moving back. I chew on a handful of baked lays and then tell myself no more self pity. I worked hard to gain my strength back and to get to where I am and I refuse to let him have any power over how I feel.
I'll go out tomorrow and try to meet some new people. I will force myself out of my comfort zone so that I don't spend every weekend alone like this. Sometimes its nice, having some me time but it's also nice to have company. I lost years while I was getting help and recovering, so I have some lost times to make up for now. I live in a beautiful city that has so much to offer.
I finish the movie and clean up all of my trash. I put the rest of the wine in the fridge, fold the blanket and the turn off the TV and lights. I walk down the hallway to the bathroom to rinse my face and brush my teeth before going to my room. Even though it's been a week... its only been one week and I still panic a little going to bed. I go over the doors and windows being locked and having my pepper spray in the nightstand drawer, next to me.
I reach over and grab the bottle of sleeping pills that my doctor prescribes and pull one out. They help me sleep and make sure the nightmares don't come back. I went from having night terrors about the accident to night terrors about the attack. These pills are the only way I can get any peaceful sleep.
One of the feelings I hate the most in this world, is feeling alone. Right now as excited as I am to be here again, I'm also terrified and lonely. I keep telling myself that I made the right decision but sometimes on nights like tonight, I'm not so sure.
I've never been one to have a ton of friends or a group really. But in college I had finally found a good group until one bad thing after the next ruined that for me and I question if it's the world trying to tell me that I'm destined to be alone. Maybe I'm the common denominator in all of the problems and this is how it's supposed to be. I don't want to be negative but sometimes it's hard. I close my eyes and feel the pill start to kick in so I take a deep breath as I let it carry me away.