"Hey," I looked at Kiro who suddenly appeared beside me while walking. I just finished my classes and I don't have any plans today so I'm going home.
"What do you need?" tanong ko.
As for what happened last week, it was fun. After Nathalie's celebration, our parents let her come with Maeve and me, I tried to take Kuya Ash with me but he said he needed to read a lot because there was too much to do in law school. Hay, 'buti na lang, I didn't take law. I love the law, I like them, but there is something in my heart that is really interested in medicine, I pursued medicine. Anyway, I also wanted to be an Attorney. Prosecutor, to be exact.
But being a doctor is what I really want, mom and dad did not stop my decision. They want to support our every decision as long as we follow their rules, they didn't force us to be like them. They just let us make way for our future. You know, they made us. They are only there to guide us, not to control life. As long as we know our limits, we're stable.
"You," I made an irritated face and rolled my eyes. "Kidding. Do you want to have dinner together? I'll pay,"
"As you always do," napairap ulit ako nang hindi siya tinitignan. "Give me a reason to agree to your request," I kept talking as we walked to the parking lot. Hindi ko ba alam dito kung paano niya ako nakita rito, the campus is so big, you know.
"Because it's libre?" I stopped walking when he quickly stopped in front of me to be the reason I stopped walking.
I bit my lip to stop smiling.
"Oh, yeah. It's libre," I just laughed at what he said and passed him. I also waved to my friend who I met in the hallway. I just sighed when I felt him follow me again. "Alright, just text me when you want to have our dinner." Pagsuko ko. I just heard him grin, seems to have succeeded because he made me agree. I only once agreed to have dinner with a man, kapag trip ko, pumapayag ako. My time is precious, I don't waste it on anything.
When I arrived at the condo, I immediately went straight to the room to lie down because my body was really sore. I don't think there's a day that goes by that I'm not tired. Never mind, I'm also to blame. This is what I wanted, so I deserve this. I didn't realize that I fell asleep and woke up when my phone vibrated.
"Shit, I fell asleep..." bulong ko at sinabunutan ang sarili ko dahil sa katangahan. Notification lang naman 'yung gumising sa akin, thanks! I left the room and looked for something to eat because I felt hungry, nagluto na lang ako ng itlog at nag-half bath after eating. Nag-aral lang ako about analytical chemistry and others. I just took notes and there are memorized ones for when we have a quiz or recitation coming up.
Hindi na ako natulog mula nang nagising ako. Dumaan ako sa Starbucks before pumasok, I also met some of my friends. My day is more and more stressful and tiring, but there's really nothing I can do. I can't quit. Biglaan ulit ako sa Pop Up dahil nag-aya si Andrei. Apat lang kaming magkakasama; Andrei, Rafi, Maeve, me. Stress na raw kasi siya kaya kailangan niya ng chillnuman.
"What are you planning on your birthday?"
Lahat kami ay napatingin kay Andrei na nagsalita, which of us is he asking? Sa pagkakaalam ko ay tapos na lahat ang birthday namin. Does he see something we don't? Or is he really just crazy to talk all of a sudden? Never mind, normal siya.
Napatingin din sa amin siya kaya kumunot ang noo niya. "Huh? Ikaw, Nadeleine, ikaw. Balak mo?"
"Rafi, pigilan mo 'ko. Sasapakin ko 'tong boyfriend mo," pagbibiro ko. Umayos ako nang upo bilang pag-amba.
"Go lang," Rafi answered without looking.
"Mahal mo pa ba ako?!" nag-iba ang timpla ni Andrei. Knowing Rafi, she's always chill, you will never know if she's happy or not because her face is always emotionless. Just sometimes. Many people think that she doesn't love Andrei anymore because of what she always does. But what they don't know, Rafi is very sweet when they are together.
I just watched them talk while finishing the bottle of beer. And yes, after a few minutes they were both fine again. That's how easy it is for them to be fine. Sometimes I wonder to Rafi how she can put up with Andrei who has so much energy and then she is so calm. Napailing na lang ako, what would happen now if I continued my relationship with him? Am I not afraid to trust now if he didn't cheat? What if we fixed it then? Would I always be with him now if we had a good relationship?
Ugh, I curse those what ifs! Nothing will happen to me if I choose to stay with him. I will just destroy myself again.
"Thinking about him again?" Umangat ang kilay ko nang marami ko ang boses ni Maeve. Napaayos ako nang upo at umiling bilang sagot ko sa tanong niya. "Deny it even if it's obvious on your face," she sighed and took a sip of beer. I bit my lip to stop talking, I didn't want to talk about him anymore. Nahalata na nga ni Maeve, magtatanong pa siya.
I drank the last beer in the bottle, there was a bit more but I drank it like water. I clutched my chest when I saw a group of men walking towards the table near us. Maeve rubbed my back because I was still coughing. He's here! I felt goosebumps. What the heck is he doing here?! I noticed another man with him, they were Ateneans. I know them. So, he's friends with them, huh.
Tinuro ko kay Maeve kung nasaan sila. "The who? 'Yung naka white t-shirt ba?" I nodded, I only occasionally give them my attention. "Sino 'yan- tignan mo 'tong dalawa, mosang kayo, 'no?" Napatingin ako sa mag-jowa na tumingin sa kanila. Rafi probably also knows Kiel's companion. Kiel, right? That is what is written on the handkerchief as well as on the jacket I am wearing. Oh, right. The jacket. I'm wearing his jacket.
"Si Kiel, love," sabi ni Andrei kay Rafi. He knows Kiel?
"Kiel ba 'yun? Siya 'yung nasa hospital?" Maeve asked me, she was just whispering it. Isa pa siya, chismosa rin. Tumango ulit ako, not talking. My heart is pounding for an unknown reason. "Uwi na ba tayo? Ubos na-"
"No, we'll drink. I'll buy." Padabog akong tumayo at kinuha 'yung wallet ko. I said, I want to go home. But I saw a woman approach him, a big smile immediately flashed on his lips. So that means he has a girlfriend. Why did he lend me a handkerchief and a jacket if he already had one?! That's cheating!
Pagkabalik ko sa table namin, napanganga sila sa binili ko. "Oh my, are you broken or something? You should have told me so I could have introduced you to one of them," Rafi looked at me, tumingin pa siya roon sa table nina Kiel. Mukhang nangangasar siya.
"Light and small lang 'to. One bottle lang," nilapag ko ang bacardi sa table. And when we finished one bottle, I just found myself texting Kiro; saying that our dinner tomorrow night is tuloy. I was feeling a little dizzy while walking to my car, nauna na 'yung tatlo. I closed my phone and continued walking.
Our dinner had a good outcome, he admitted that he likes me but the problem is with me. I'm still not ready, my heart is not open for anyone. My life is just going round and round again, busy with acads with lakads, going to parties and drinking, visiting family, and fixing problems. I also always shop for new things when needed.
In December, I always go home because it is our month. I'm thinking of a plan of what we can do as a party or something, but their suggestion is that we leave the country. That's what my parents wanted, so I made the reservation, as always. Ako palagi ang gumagawa ng plans namin dito kapag may event. Then, after Christmas, we will leave again for the new year. Mag-iisip na naman ako kung saang country kami magta-travel! It's fine with me that we travel now, because we didn't leave the country during last year's holiday. And my siblings also want to travel as a family, so we took the chance to travel because we are all free now.
My Thomasian friends offered me to go to the paskuhan, but even though I wanted to, I refused. P'wede bang bumawi na lang ako next year? Family first! I will go with them but tonight, we fly to New York, where we decided to celebrate Christmas. Five hours before our flight, we went to the airport. We'll just wait here rather than rush. So much traffic! Sina Mommy at Daddy rin naman ang may gusto na pumunta kami rito nang maaga.
While waiting, I just opened my laptop to plan what we would do there, where we would go, where we would buy things, where there would be delicious food. This is not the first time we are going to New York, it has been a long time since we traveled there. I just want to find a new place for us to go. Sabi nga, you won't find something new if you're still living where you last went. I don't know, sinabi lang sa akin 'yon ni Maeve noong broken siya.
Since I have already planned what we will do each day, I have also prepared the outfits that I will wear that day. Marami naman akong dinala na damit, hindi ako mauubusan. And of course, magpa-plano pa ako para sa next country. Hay, tiring! Edi kapag kinulang 'yung outfit ko, I can buy naman. Mamimili naman talaga kami sa New York so my outfits isn't my problem anymore. Kung ano'ng meron ako, that's it. Saka bibili pa ako ng souvenirs for my friends.
Our flight was tiring and I still had jetlag so I fell asleep in the hotel right after we arrived. Mamayang gabi na raw kami lalabas at matulog muna nang maayos dahil hindi kami comfortable matulog sa airplane. 6 days and 5 nights lang kami sa New York, may ticket na rin kami papunta sa Sydney, Australia. I booked three rooms, that's what my parents said; Mommy and Daddy, Kuya Ashton and Adrian, Nathalie and me.
"Ate, wake up," I opened my eyes when I heard Nathalie's voice. Wait, am I awake or asleep? I don't feel like I'm asleep. "Mommy asks if you want to eat outside or just eat downstairs so we can rest again,"
"I'm still sleepy," I ignored Nathalie's question and hid under the blanket again to sleep. Alam na niya kung ano 'yung sagot ko roon! Wala sa choices. I don't feel like eating, I feel like I have too much weight on me and I don't have the strength to move. Tinatamad ako kumilos, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. Hindi na nga ako nakakatulog doon sa Manila dahil busy ako mag-aral, I also avoided drinking alcohol because I was busy with our exam.
Good news, dean list pa rin ako. I've been on the dean's list since my 1st year here at Ateneo, my grades didn't drop either so Mommy and Daddy's grip on me is more relaxed. Because we have a lot of deals, if I fail the sem, I disappear from the dean's list, my grades drop, I'm dead. My cards will be confiscated, my allowance will be reduced, I won't even have a car, I'll just go to school and home again, I'll be kicked out of the condo, and I'll also be transferred to a university but not the course I want.
Some people wonder why my life is so free, they say I'm always in bars or clubs, they say it's okay for me to wear showy clothes, or whatever I want to do is okay with my family even if they are connected to the law. If my parents let me, I will. But if not, I won't do it. I can do whatever I want as long as I'm on the dean's list, as long as I know my limits, as long as I know what's around me, as long as I don't do anything that will pollute Vienaiaz.
"Talking to your boyfriend, huh," hindi siguro ako napansin ni Nathalie na gising na ako. Jerome's association with us is fine, he will gain my trust in a little while. I can also see that he is a good person, I can also see that he really loves Nathalie, he is a kind person. He is a hardworking person. Nginitian lang ako ni Nathalie na nakaupo sa sofa, pumasok na ako sa bathroom para mag-half bath, nagpalit na rin ako ng damit pangtulog. "Did you eat already?" my voice has changed.
"Hindi pa, Ate. Hinihintay kita magising so we can eat together," sinuot niya 'yung slippers at naglakad papunta sa lamesa, kung nasaan ako. Bitbit niya 'yung laptop niya, ilang hours na kaya 'to magka-call?
"And why? How about Mommy and Daddy? Kuya Ash and Adrian?"
"Oh, the two of them were still asleep earlier so they asked them to just deliver the food. Maybe they have eaten because I heard Adrian earlier. Sina Mommy kumain na sa labas dahil tulog pa kayo, magde-date na lang daw sila," A smile flashed on Nathalie's lips. I just rolled my eyes, okay? Sana all.
We had a great vacation in New York, I posted a lot of it on Instagram. I also enjoyed the food and the places we went, it was a lot of fun. Sunod naman kami sa Sydney, sobrang ganda rin dito. Noong lumabas ako mag-isa, I've talked to a lot of guys but they're only up to Instagram. Next year, ang goal ko ay magtravel sa Korea, I'll just visit my oppa. Kidding! I also took many photos with my family, these are also memories. We are paying attention to each other now because like I said, we haven't traveled in a long time and we are busy again when we come to the Philippines
Malapit na magbagong taon noong pumunta na kami sa may yacht. Halos mahulog pa nga 'yung puso ko noong sasakay na kami sa yacht, hindi naman kasi ako sanay sumakay rito, sa ganito. Baka kasi mahulog ako, nakakatakot. Nasa gitna 'yung yacht, si Daddy ay naka-akbay kay Mommy, si Nathalie at Adrian ay kausap si Jerome, si Kuya Ashton ay may hawak na wine. While me, umiinom din ng wine, dito sa gilid. I sighed and opened my phone, ilang minutes na lang bagong taon na.
"Five,"
"Four,"
"Three,"
"Two,"
"One,"
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" they shouted at the same time and immediately heard the fireworks.
"Happy new year," I smiled to myself while watching the beautiful fireworks. This year, I hope I will have the strength again and have a reason to continue, I hope I won't get lost on the dean's list, I hope I don't lose hope and lastly, I hope I learn to open my heart again. In this new year, I want to meet a new me. A better me.
* * *