The cab starts off down the road, the driver already knowing where to go, weaving easily in and out of the city traffic. We sit in silence in the back, both staring out the window at the neon lights and too-bright billboards. It's been less than a minute when as we're passing one, and the screen changes to a picture of me. I look away quickly, feeling awkward but unsure why.
Goh's looking back at me when my eyes wander to him. He's frowning, and I know he just saw what I saw. I start to wonder how I look from his eyes.
"Does Team Rocket still bother you?" He asks out of the blue.
It's such a random question that it catches me off guard, and I stutter a few times before I can come up with a coherent answer. "Uh, no. No, not for a couple years now," I say. "I think they're radio show hosts now. Why?"
"They haven't bothered me in eight years. It's been kind of peaceful, actually." He goes back to looking out the window. His words have stolen the breath from my lungs. Our first conversation in so long, and yet I can't think of anything to say back to him. Anxiety creeps in, its hand a death grip on my chest. I'm not even sure if he wants me to reply or not. He's got his chin resting on the palm of his hand, his elbow propped up on the door. I can't help but feel like this is a slippery slope, and I'm not sure if I want to be at the top or the bottom.
"Is that it?" The words slip out before I can stop them. Goh twists to face me again, his eyebrows furrowed, his jaw tight.
"Is what it?"
"Is that all you're going to say to me?" Why am I saying this? I'm so stupid-
"You want me to say more?" He has one eyebrow raised, and is almost leaning in towards me. I blanch, feeling heat rush to my face simultaneously.
"I don't know. No?" I try, then grumble, turning away from him, embarrassment phasing into annoyance, which is only amplified when I see my own face smirking back at me from another building. Then, as if things weren't bad enough, I hear him snicker. I want to ask him "Are you really laughing right now?", because we haven't spoken in eight years, and this is how he's acting, but I don't. I bite my tongue and hold my ground, not looking at him.
"Is that what you do now?" He starts again, and I know he's referencing the billboard without having to ask. I grind my teeth, trying to ignore his patronising tone. "Pose for a camera?"
"I'm studying in Unova, actually. Funny, I don't see Mew with you," I taunt, shooting him a smug look. I see his eyes flash, caught between annoyance and amusement.
"I've sighted it many times-"
"Well, anyone could say that," I cut him off. All of a sudden we're back to where we were eight years ago, lying in our bunk bed in the Cerise Laboratory, practically at each other's throats, taunting and teasing, first humorously, and then with venom. This isn't me. This is the opposite of me. After all these years, is this still what we bring out of each other?
He's gone silent now. I don't need to look to know he's seething. I should probably apologise, but he started it, so I don't. The cab starts to pull up, and I take in the first venue: a dark club, escaped strobe lights flashing pink and green across the pavement. A neon sign flashes above an entranceway crowded with people already too drunk, either smoking or looking in desperate need of air. I thank the driver and push open my door, the cold air rushing over me. The music inside is loud and bassy, the rhythmic booming filling me with dread.
I start to walk in, not checking if Goh's even out of the car. The bouncers let me through, and I see the familiar flick of recognition in their eyes as I pass. There's a desk where I buy entry, and the lady standing there recognises me too. The difference is, she tells me so. I smile politely and hold my hand out for her to press a stamp into the back of it, confirming I'm allowed to be there. The whole thing seems pretty dumb, but it's what Gary wants, so I'll go along with it.
I push through a set of double doors into the foggy, dark room. The music is so loud I can barely hear myself think, and as I wander aimlessly inside, I notice the floor is sticky, the smell of alcohol thick in the air.
I spot the bar and head for it. I can sense Goh behind me, but ignore him as I slide onto one of the many free barstools. Most people are slithering against each other in the numerous seas of bodies on the multiple dance floors, or making out along the walls.
The bartender nods his head at me, so I order a vodka soda, hoping that's a normal thing to order here. Goh sits on the barstool beside me, frowning deeply, but doesn't speak, thankfully.
I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, and glance over them at Gary, who's grinning from ear to ear. The bartender places the glass in front of me, and I hand him a note as Gary slides into the now vacant barstool beside me. I hadn't even realised Goh had moved. I look around, and see him talking to Quillon just a few feet away.
"Well?" He calls over the music, leaning into me. "Did it work? Did you talk?"
I scowl. "If you class snide comments and insults as talking, then sure."
Gary's disappointment is evident. "Really? After all this time?"
I shrug. "Apparently." I take a big swig of my drink. The soda is flat, and the vodka is strong. I wince. "Is this really what we're going for tonight?" I gesture to the ocean of sweaty bodies.
Gary's notorious grin returns. "This is exactly what we're going for, Ketchum."
"Great." I roll my eyes.
"And you're still technically single, remember?"
"And?" I toss back the rest of the drink and suck in a breath through my nose, trying to ignore how bad it is. I'm going to need it to get through tonight.
Gary shakes his head, then stands and pats my shoulder, hard. "I'll work my magic for you."
I'm about to argue, when a girl catches my eyes. She's blonde, and small even in her high heels, her blue eyes bright and wide as her mouth falls open. My heart does its familiar sink when she moves, heading in my direction.
"Oh my God, you're Ash Ketchum," she says to me, practically screaming over the bass.
I smile and shrug. I'm never sure what to say to that. All of Leon's coaching always goes right out of my head the second I need it. I wish I was in the crowd now, moving so much no one would have time to get a good look at me.
"Can I take a photo with you?" She asks. "I have to show my friend!"
We proceed to take probably the worst photo ever, the dim lighting and fog machines making it hard to even tell what it's a photo of, but she seems happy, so I don't comment. She smiles awkwardly and jogs back over to her friends, giggling. They huddle around her, looking at her phone. I sigh and turn back to the bar to order another drink.
An hour or so passes, and I mostly talk to Brock and Sophocles, watching as Gary drags a very unhappy Quillon into the crowd to dance. I'm finishing my third drink when he announces we're moving to another club just down the street. I don't complain- I've had enough of the repetitive music in this one.
The next club is much the same, except this one has multiple floors, all just as busy as the others. We push through the crowd and order drinks, but then there's nowhere to sit, and nowhere quiet enough to have a conversation, so we're forced to sway with the others. Admittedly, it isn't horrible. I'm almost enjoying myself, the alcohol going to my head and making my brain fuzzy. Gary's pretty drunk, making a fool out of himself, which makes Brock and I howl with laughter.
I'm not sure how long passes, but somewhere along the line, I get drunk, too. It's pushed all rational thoughts out of my brain, and now I'm happily a part of the crowd I was scowling at earlier, not even minding when girls push themselves up against me. I dance with them, and with Gary, who isn't even drinking anymore, just losing himself to the rhythm of the music, which is much better here.
It's then that I notice that Goh is gone. I pause in the crowd, scanning it for him, but it's impossible to make anything out over the bouncing heads and raised arms, so I start to push out of it, to the edge of the room and the stairs.
Brock is leaning against the wall there, looking like he's drunk too much. I'm sure we were supposed to head to at least one other bar before now, but I suppose the plan has gone out of the window.
"Have you seen Goh?" I ask, slurring my words. I don't even know why I care.
He shakes his head. "Not for a while."
I nod, and start to head down the stairs. At the bottom, I edge through another crowd, which takes a lot longer than it should, eventually breaking through and out the open doors into the chilly night, the fresh, cold air hitting me like a ton of bricks.
I look left and right, stumbling down the street a little, looking to my right again down the side street, into the alley where a bunch of drunk people are smoking, laughing too loudly, and-
Goh is there. He's standing with his arms crossed, talking quietly with another man that I don't recognise. He looks... annoyed. I take a step towards them at the same time the man reaches out and grabs Goh's wrist, yanking him forward roughly.
A surge of adrenaline rushes through me, heightened by my drunkness, and I storm forward, reaching them quickly and step between them, slapping his hand away, scowling.
"Back off, man," the man hisses, glaring up at me. Then his eyebrows fly up, and he laughs. "Well, fuck me, if it isn't Ash Ketchum."
"Leave it, Ash," Goh says sternly behind me, his voice a warning, but I don't look away from the guy leaning against the wall, who's smirking up at me.
"Yeah, Ashy, leave it," the man taunts in a deliberately high-pitched tone, mocking Goh. I may have been doing the same a few hours ago, but now it enrages me, and I take a step closer, looking down my nose at him.
"Leave," I say, my voice deep and a tone I've never heard myself use. The man narrows his eyes, hesitating for a moment before holding his hands up, laughing nervously.
"Alright, man. You can have him." He starts to shuffle away, and I make sure I glare at him until he's fully out of sight, disappearing onto the main road again. Goh's breathing is heavy behind me, and for some reason I can't bring myself to turn to face him. I sigh, the alcohol making my head spin, and push my hand up into my hair.
"You didn't have to do that," Goh grumbles. I feel my patience waning.
"Alright, I'll let him carry on next time," I say sarcastically, and start to walk away, still not looking at him. I wait for him to say something, to stop me, but he doesn't, and I don't know why I thought he might not. I slip back into the crowd at the door, pushing past sweaty bodies, needing another drink. I'm halfway in the door when a familiar voice calls out from behind me.
"Ash!"
I pause, dread sinking in deep, because it's Maria, and she's already seen me so I can't avoid her. I close my eyes and suck in a breath through my nose, trying to mentally prepare myself, though it just makes me dizzy. I'm too drunk for this, but she's already circling around, grinning up at me.
"Hey!" she calls over the music. She's wearing a little gold crop top and a black mini-skirt, flashing the entire length of her legs.
"Hey," I say back, less enthusiastically.
"I didn't know you'd be here. C'mon." She takes hold of my hand and starts to drag me towards the bar. I shoot a glance over my shoulder and see Goh standing in the doorway, glaring at me, eyes narrowed like he's trying to figure something out.
"Maria," I start, trying to pry my hand gently out of hers, but she has a tight grip on it, and squeezes even harder when she feels me trying to escape. "I've gotta find Gary."
"He's still here. I just saw him." She presses herself into the bar and waves at the bartender, ordering two drinks. I look around for someone to save me, but it's hard to focus, and everyone's moving so quickly. Maybe another time I'd have entertained this, but right now it's too much.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I reach in with my free hand and pull it out, the screen unbearably bright, and blink until my vision clears enough to read the text from Brock.
Taken Gary home he's too druynk. Let me kn ow if ypou want me to return for u.
I curse at the screen. That means the others are probably leaving too, and there's another hour until the club closes, and if I'm still stuck here Maria will probably try to come back to the gym with me, and she can be very persistent.
"Maria," I start again, this time pulling my hand away before she can stop me. "I have to go. Emergency." I hold my phone up like that's an explanation, and start to leave. I feel guilty, just like I always do when I run away like this, but the situation is stressing me out, because I can't feel what she wants me to feel, and I don't know why.
I stumble away from her, not hearing what she says in reply, and push through the crowd into the night again. Only when I get outside and take in a breath of cool, fresh air, do I realise she's followed me out.
"Are you okay?" she asks, reaching out and putting her hand on my arm. Her face is scrunched up in concern.
"Yeah. I just have to get back now." I look up and down the street for a cab, ready to wave one down if I have to. The situation with Goh has left me reeling, and I badly need to sleep it off.
I feel the sudden urge to cry, a lump forming in the back of my throat, making it hard to breathe. I think I might panic if I don't get away. It's not too busy out here, yet I feel claustrophobic. There has to be a cab somewhere-
"Well then let me come with you." Maria squeezes my arm, a glimmer in her eyes.
"Maria, please," I say, shaking my head at her. "Not tonight."
Her face falls, a frown blooming. Tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Her bottom lip trembles, and I think she might have just realised I'm trying to get away from me. Another surge of guilt makes me feel nauseous, and then she says, "I love you, Ash."
Her words hit me hard, but I feel nothing at all, beside the hurt that had been there already. They echo through my empty heart, and I try to speak, but words won't come. What is there to say, anyway? I won't lie and say I love her too. I won't pretend I know what that feels like.
There's a cab coming down the road, starting to pull up at the sidewalk, knowing it'll find someone to pick up here. Nobody's headed towards it yet. I step away from her towards the cab, watching the heartbreak in her eyes. I swallow back all my guilt, panic and self-hatred, reaching for the handle. It's then that, out of the corner of my eye, I see Goh, leaning against the wall. He must have seen the whole thing.
"I'm sorry, Maria, I just can't do this," I say, and start to get into the back of the cab. She doesn't bother trying to follow, just stands there, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Where to?" The cab driver asks, looking at me in the mirror. I steal another glance at Goh, who's pushing off the wall.
"Hold on," I say, and gesture with my head for him to get in. I see his hesitation, and his quick glance at Maria, still standing on the sidewalk, hands clenched in fists at her sides. I tell myself that I'll call her tomorrow. I'll explain that it's not her; that there's something wrong with me.
The door opens again, and I slide over to the other seat so Goh can get in too. "Cerulean gym, please," I say to the driver, but keep my eyes on Goh. His hair is messed up, his eyes slightly bloodshot, like he's been crying. He won't look at me.
His hand is resting by his side as the cab pulls away. I don't know why I stare at it, but I do, and watch as his fingers twitch towards me, his hand sliding ever so slightly closer. I look away quickly, my face burning, an unfamiliar feeling fluttering in my stomach. I stare out of the window for the rest of the journey.
- - - -
We don't speak when we get back, and when we head upstairs, I go to Dawn's room and knock on her door. She's there in seconds, already in her pyjamas, her hair down and her makeup gone. She looks sober. She takes in the sight of me, in my drunken state, and frowns, stepping to the side to let me in. I throw myself down in the chair by the dressing table and put my head in my hands.
"Goh?" She asks, sitting on the edge of her bed, facing me.
I shake my head. "Maria."
"She was there?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"She told me she loved me," I say, the words making me sick as I say them. "And I just stood there. Then I left."
Dawn sighs, standing up again and pacing back and forth, shaking her head. I know I can tell her anything, which is why I'm sitting here right now, drunk and on the verge of tears. "Okay," she says, more to herself than me. "And you don't feel the same, I'm guessing?"
I'm afraid if I speak, my voice is going to crack and I'll cry. That, or the words will start spewing out, and I won't be able to stop them. When I open my mouth, I learn it's the latter. "What is it supposed to feel like?" I ask, not caring how pathetic I sound. "Because it doesn't matter who, or when, or how. I like them, but no more than my friends- no more than you. Less than you, actually. I think there's something wrong with me-"
She stops her pacing and cuts me off. "There's nothing wrong with you, Ash. Nothing, okay?"
"But-"
She throws her arms around my shoulders suddenly, startling me into silence. Her face is in my neck, and her shoulders tremble like she might be starting to cry. "You don't have to know what you want or who you want now. It's okay."
I think maybe I might have struck a nerve I didn't mean to. The warmth of her calms me down, though, and I suck in a deep breath, my head still spinning from the drink. "Okay," I say, nodding. "Thanks, Dawn."
She pulls away, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, smiling. "Maria was no good for you anyway, Ash."
I stand, a little dizzy on my feet. "I'm gonna try to sleep this off." I shake my head, embarrassed at my outburst now.
"Alright. As long as you're okay." She's still smiling that warm, fond smile that lets me know she didn't mind my intrusion. "See you in the morning, then."
I leave her room feeling nothing but exhausted. I stare down the hallway for a moment, wondering which room is Goh's. I wonder if he cares about what he heard earlier. I wonder if he thinks I'm heartless for treating her that way. I drag myself back to my room and pull off my shirt and pants, collapsing into bed and burying my face in my pillow, willing thoughts of Goh and Maria away until I drift off to sleep.