Perrie gripped my hand painfully tight as we finally made our way off stage, like she was trying to keep me with her, afraid I would run off.
At that moment I wasn't sure what I wanted to do; I was numb. I was trying to process what had just happened. So I let her pull me along. She was talking, but I couldn't hear a thing, the noise from the crowd louder than I had ever heard it, enough to take the roof off if they carried on. And I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
How were they all going to react to what Perrie had just done?
"Perrie."
Perrie didn't shoe any signs she had heard me. She kept power walking down the corridor, the opposite way to where everybody else was going, prompting a few of the dancers to whistle and whoop.
"Perrie stop."
"One minute."
"Perrie stop! Where are we going?"
Perrie stopped outside a random door, trying it. When it opened she said, "in here." And pulled me inside.
It was dark, and there was a loud clatter as Perrie walked into something, swearing loudly. "Agh my fucking leg, what the fuck-"
"Where are we?!"
"I think it's a cleaning cupboard or something."
"Perrie-"
"I'm sorry... I- I didn't even stop to think about you or if you'd want that or - I'm sorry babe. I'm not sorry I did that but if I've upset you I am... look please don't go, there's so much I wanna say to you, please don't leave. I know I've fucked up but let me try, please."
Perrie stared at me hopefully, her eyes wide and desperate. When I didn't answer straight away she raised a hand to my cheek. Her forehead creased slightly as she stroked the skin, and I knew she was remembering slapping me right there only days before. She cautiously leaned in and kissed the spot, sighing softly.
"I'm sorry for everything." She said, her voice shaking. "If you wanna go... I'll understand. I'll hate it but I get it. I'll give you some space if that's what you want-"
"Perrie."
"Y-yeah?"
"That was amazing."
"Wh- really?!"
"Really. But - do you realise what you've just done?"
I wasn't expecting Perrie to flash me that beautiful, bright, room-lighting smile. "Yeah I do. And I'd do it again. I thought it was amazing too. But... what do you mean? Might you..." Perrie hesitated, taking my hand and playing with my fingers. "Might you stay?"
I cupped her chin and lifted her head. "Of course I'm staying."
"Really? You're not going back with your dad?"
I shook my head. "You're right. We've got a lot to talk about."
"I do." Perrie corrected me. "There's so much I need you to hear... you're really not going home?"
"You're my home." I said. "Wherever you are... even in a cleaning cupboard that smells like bleach."
"I can't smell it." Perrie giggled, placing her hands on my middle. "Can I kiss you?"
Rather than answer verbally, I wrapped my arms around Perrie and lifted her off her feet, kissing her hard. She laughed into my mouth, gripping me juwst as tight and deepening the kiss.
"God I've missed this." She sighed a couple of minutes later as I set her back down. "Are you really gonna stay with me?"
"I'm really staying babe, I promise. Don't worry. But we'll have to talk some other time-"
"What? Why?"
"Don't look like that babe... I just mean there's people waiting for you, your family are here, my lot are probably waiting to go to the train station."
"I don't care about any of that. Do you think you could, like just call your dad and tell him were working things out?"
"Of course... but what about your-"
"One phone call." Perrie smiled, pulling her phone out of her bra.
"Have you had that down there all night?"
"No, just the last minutes on stage. I'm gonna call my mam... babe it's just me and you tonight. Everyone else is just gonna have to wait."
**
Perrie and I lay together in semi darkness, just looking at each other. Perrie had her hand resting on my face, and my hand was on top of hers.
Perrie had spoken to her mam on the phone, having had a couple of missed calls from her already. She had simply told her that they wouldn't be seeing her again that night, and hung up before her mam could ask too many questions.
I had spoken briefly to my dad; he had guessed I would be staying with Perrie after what had hapepned on stage. But Alfie had snatched the phone from him before I could say much, begging me to get hold of Lauren before his phone blew up; I guessed from that that the internet probably had a thing or two to say about Perrie's actions. I hadn't spoken to Lauren other than to text her and tell her I would call her the next day to stop her bombardment of calls.
Since then, it had just been the two of us. Nothing had been said yet but I knew Perrie was building up to it. Her thumb continued lightly stroking my face, a pained expression on her own features.
"Don't look like that." I said quietly.
Perrie smiled a little. She slid closer to me, so we were almost pressed together, propped up on her elbow.
I was startled when tears filled her eyes. "What are you crying for? Babe don't, please..."
"The one thing I promised you is I'd never raise a hand to you and I couldn't even manage that." Perrie sniffed.
"I more than asked for it-"
"No you didn't, Jakob-"
"Perrie I accused you of having no feelings for me. I would've hit me too."
"Don't." Perrie said angrily. "I hate myself for that, more than anything else... I'm so sorry Bear. I never should've acted that way."
"It's forgotten."
"How can you be so... forgiving?"
"You just kissed me on stage in front of thousands of people... that took balls."
Perrie smiled shyly.
"But I - I just feel..."
"It's okay babe, tell me. I get how I've made you feel and I can't just make it go away with a kiss, I know the damage I've caused and I'm gonna make it right. Just the fact you're still here with me means the world to me, anything you wanna say you need to tell me, I don't care because everything you're worried about is my fault and I will make it right."
I watched Perrie take my hand, concentrating on the way our fingers slid together. It was easier not to look at her.
"What you did up there was amazing... it felt amazing. I'm just wondering if you know what you've let yourself in for after you seemed so against it-"
"I did what I did because I wanted to." Perrie said firmly. "Jakob... when I looked at you on that stage I've never wanted to kiss you more... and that made me realise how much I didn't give a fuck if the whole world saw us do it. I hate myself for ever making you feel like I was ashamed of you... babe look at me."
I reluctantly raised my eyes, hating how upset Perrie looked. I hated that I still had doubts but seeing her trying her best not to cry made me want to hold her and tell her it was all okay, despite everything.
"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. How I've treated you is out of order, and if you let me I'll spend forever making it up to you. I was always scared in a way that for whatever reason you'd leave me - no let me finish babe... but I never meant to make you want to. Bear..." Perrie sat up, pulling me with her, and I quickly brushed her tears away, quietly hushing her.
"Bear I'll never make you feel anything less than the most important thing in my life again, I can't lose you..."
Perrie burst into tears, unable to carry on, and I pulled her into my arms, squeezing my own eyes shut so I wouldn't cry.
"Ssshh, babe please, please, it's okay..."
"No it's - not okay-"
"Perrie stop it. Listen to me. I never wanted to leave you babe, and I never do. I said what I said because I was upset and I didn't know where I stood-"
"I get that, that's my fault, no..."
Perrie shuffled onto her knees, placing her hands on my face. "Before anything else I need you to know there's nothing between Jaron and me. There never was, there never would be in a million years and if I'd known on any level that bloody cake and that bloody kiss would make things turn out like this I never would've done it."
"I believe you... I know I overreacted about that."
"No, I've not been able to stop thinking about how that must've looked to you, and what happened after it as well... I love you Jakob. I promise you it meant nothing. And nothing like that'll ever happen again I swear."
"Okay Pez." I whispered. "Breathe babe."
"You're too forgiving you know, you're just telling me everything is okay when it's not-"
"Well you did kiss me live on stage..."
We shared a smile. "Babe, everyone's gonna be freaking out you know."
"I don't care. I just wanna be with you."
"But... I'm sorry, I don't want to keep talking about it, but since what happened with Jaron... I'm guessing a lot of people will be confused... what are we gonna do? Shouldn't we say something?"
"I think you're right, we should probably do something sooner rather than later." Perrie said, chewing her lip.
"Got anything in mind?"
"No... I didn't really think about that at the time."
"I didn't think so."
"Bear... before we think about that... are we alright? Like... will you stay with me?"
I gently tugged Perrie's lip out of the grip of her teeth, leaning closer to her so I could feel her breath on my face. "Where else am I gonna go?"
We dived in for a kiss at the same time, our bodies colliding so I fell back on the bed, Perrie landing on top of me, her tongue exploring my mouth like it was new to her.
"I know I'm not done making this right." Perrie said breathlessly, pulling away after several minutes of just kissing. "I promise babe, from now on I'm only gonna make you feel good things. It kills me that I've hurt you and made you feel less than important to me. I'll be honest I was scared... I still am. But I'm more in love with you than I am afraid of everything else and now it's out there I actually feel brilliant."
"If I ever put any pressure on you I'm sorry." I said, putting a finger on Perrie's lips so she would let me finish. "I meant it when I said I'd wait as long as it took for you to be ready, and I didn't mean to make out like it was important, it never was... I guess I just... got scared too."
"What were you scared of?"
I looked away from Perrie before answering. "That you didn't want to be with me, and I... didn't want to lose you either, so I... probably got more intense than I meant to."
"Look at me."
Perrie placed a lingering kiss on my cheek, moving slowly to my lips. "I'll never make you feel that way again. I can't be without you. I'd rather everyone know you're mine and hate me for it than lose you. And I'm sorry for what it took for me to understand that."
"I love you." I told her, sweeping her hair back to see her face properly.
"I love you too... with all my heart."
She kissed me again, this time slowly and tenderely. Her hands started to wander, even more slowly than her kisses, and I sensed her nerves; she seemed more nervous than she had been the first time we had been together.
Her hands made goosebumps on my skin as they moved along my abs, and when I shuddered she stopped, starting to pull away. I held one of her hands in place, leaning back a little to meet her eyes.
"It's okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah... I've missed you."
I couldn't imagine ever in my life getting bored of that smile.
"I've missed you too. In every way."
Perrie picked up where she left off, closing her eyes and placing her mouth over mine once again. She still seemed hesitant, so I moved my hands to her breasts, grazing my thumbs over and hardening her nipples through the fabric of her bra. Perrie kissed me harder, spurred on by my advances she struggled to get my shirt off. After taking her bra off I tried to roll over so she was under me, but she shook her head, murmuring a quick "uh-uh" against my lips before pulling away.
"Let me take care of you tonight." She whispered, kissing down to my neck and tugging at my pants.
"Why don't we take care of each other?" I said, pushing my hands into her trousers and gripping her bum so she gasped, arching her back. "Get these off Edwards."
**
Perrie and I lay together, the sheet wrapped haphazardly around us. She was curled into me from behind, her hands around my waist and her face buried in my neck.
"You asleep?" I said softly.
"No... you?"
"... Who do you think said that?" I chuckled.
"Oh yeah, loser."
"Aren't you just."
"I've missed this so much." Perrie sighed, sitting up slightly and kissing around my neck, along my jaw and meeting my lips. "Babe I know it's a big ask to say let's never fight again... but if we do, let's always make up before night time because god have I hated not sleeping with you."
"You've got a deal there." I murmured sleepily. "I've hated not sleeping with you too."
We lay in silence for several more minutes, content enough just to be together. But something was nagging me.
"Babe?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm not having a go or anything, it's just a question."
"Okay?"
"Now we've... done what we did on stage... how are we gonna handle it?"
"It's nobody's business Bear." Perrie said firmly. "I can love who I please. I don't have to explain myself to anyone."
"I know that... but your fans, at least... I dunno, they worship you. Some of them might've guessed but there are plenty who must be wondering what's going on."
Perrie shuffled around a bit behind me. I kept my eyes closed, feeling tired but needing to say this while I had the words straight in my head.
"You're right." Perrie whispered.
Through my closed eyes I was aware of the flash of a camera. I spun around, seeing Perrie turn her phone around and grinning at the screen.
"Oi, what was that?!"
"Please don't delete it... look." Perrie handed me the phone. I couldn't help but smile too, Perrie and I wrapped together, both of our eyes closed, Perrie with a sleepy, serene smile on her face.
"Dare I ask what you might be doing with that?"
"Putting it on Instagram. A picture speaks a thousand words babe, and the fans can take what they will from this."
"But you know the press will use it too."
"And that'll be all they get. Can I?"
"Let me have one more look."
Perrie laughed as she handed me the phone back. "Don't worry." She said, kissing me all over the face. "You - look - handsome."
Pouting, I handed her the phone back. "Go on then. Let me see what you put though."
"Hmm..." Perrie pulled a face. "How's this?"
I watched as she tapped the caption box and wrote '#myguy #completelyinlove' and put one little red heart after it. "How's that?"
"Are you sure?" I muttered, avoiding her eyes. Perrie squeezed my arm.
"If you're really asking if I'm sure about us... then it's not even a question. Can I press send?"
"If you're sure."
Perrie wrapped her arm around me the same way we had been lying before, holding the phone in front of me, and sent the photo.
"You ready for the madness that is my life?" She giggled into my ear, dropping the phone onto the floor on my side of the bed like it was nothing."
"I'm ready for anything. And Perrie..." I turned onto my back so I could see her. "I know it's gonna be hard and you don't have to pretend you're not scared, but I'll do everything I can to make it better. You have to tell me if you're feeling stressed or upset, even if I can just give you a hug... I want you to let me be there for you, okay?"
Perrie's eyes brimmed with tears once more and I laughed, catching them as they fell. "God, not again! You're gonna drown us if you carry on! Give it a rest babe!"
"That is exactly why I love you so much." Perrie said, curling up against me. She lifted her head onto my shoulder and I grinned, kissing her forehead and hugging her tight.
"So you promise?" I said.
"I promise. I pinky promise."
Perrie raised her hand and I wrapped my little finger around hers, giving it a squeeze.
Perrie's phone started to buzz and make the same noise over and over again. Laughing hollowly she said, "babe will you pass me that please?"
I leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed the phone, handing it to Perrie. Her Instagram notifications were going up by the second.
I expected her to start going through them. But Perrie switched the phone off and placing it on the table on her side of the bed and laying on my shoulder again. "Want to get some sleep?"
"Sounds good to me." I switched the light off, plunging the room into darkness. Perrie's lips pressed against my bare skin a couple of times and she wrapped her arm over my middle. "Jakob?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
Again, I kissed her forehead, putting my arms back around her. "I love you too Perrie. It's going to be okay you know."
"I know. Everything will be okay as long as I'm with you."