I'm sitting in the window of our room looking out at the grass, when a familiar face catches my eye from the green. Neil, accompanied by Pitts and Meeks, are walking across the campus, books in hand, laughing and shoving each other. I think back to the times when Neil and I would walk, bumping shoulders and nudging each other. Did Neil like me then? I sure liked him. Every time he would give me a playful shove, or flick me on the forehead like he does, would a jolt of energy run down his spine? It was always just little things, small gestures, but they always meant the world to me. I wonder if it was the same for him. I move from the window sill to my bed and lay down, thinking about some of the little moments Neil and I shared, before our one big moment changed everything...
<3
I'm standing on my very tippy toes, belly pressed against the bookshelf, reaching for Pride & Prejudice. I flick the bottom of the spine, but I can't quite reach the book. Stretching out my torso, I try to hook my finger to pull the book off the shelf, but I don't succeed. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and see the other reach up above my head. A body presses up against the side of mine, and I twist my neck to see the sharp angle of Neil's jaw. He slides the book off the shelf, and bops it on my head on the way down. "Shorty," he says with a light laugh in his voice. He flicks my forehead as he walks away, and I turn, my eyes following him as he disappears from the aisle.
<3
"What?" Neil is staring at me from his bed, a deep look in his eyes. "Seriously, what are you looking at?" I look down at my sweater and pull the bottom out, scanning the knit. "Is there a hole? Like a rip or something?"
"No you fool," Neil replies laughing. "You just look, good, in that sweater."
"Yeah maybe I can seduce the lunch lady to give me an extra slice of bread." I retort.
Neil chuckles. "I'm serious Todd, you just look very nice in that colour, it suits you, I like it." He smiles brightly and returns to the book he was reading. Then there was that feeling I got in my stomach, the feeling I only ever got around Neil.
<3
I walk into our room to see Neil laying on his bed, facing the wall.
"Hey, Perry, what's up?" He doesn't respond, and for a moment I think he's asleep, but then I hear a quiet sniffle come from the corner room, so quiet, I don't think it was meant to be heard. I gently approach his bed, dropping my stuff onto my own. I take a seat on edge of his bed, so barely on that I'm nearly falling off.
"Hey, Neil, is everything all right?"
"I'm fine Todd, really." he chokes out.
"Neil, no offense but it really doesn't sound like you are. What's wrong?"
"Todd, really, don't worry about me, its fi-"
"Yeah I heard what you said Perry, and like most of everything else you say, I'm going to ignore it." I hear a stifled laugh, a smile, knowing I've gotten through to him. He rolls over and swings his legs off of the bed, so that he's sitting next to me. I get a look at his face, and he definitely isn't okay. His whole face is red and flushed, his eyes beyond swollen, his lips too.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
There's only one thing that could get Neil this worked up, and only one thing that he wouldn't want to talk about.
"Was it another call from your father?" Mr. Anderson had been giving Neil grief lately about Neil's recent interest in acting. I had the misfortune of overhearing one of his father's calls. I knew Mr. Perry was an unpleasant man, but I had no idea what kind of cruel words he was capable of spitting out at his own son.
He sighs, but doesn't reply right away. Instead he shifts a little closer to me and lightly drops his head onto my shoulder. "Yeah."
"Okay." I pull my arm back and wrap it around his shoulder, resting my head on his, and Neil melts further into me. I know when he feels like it, he'll tell me about it. He always does. But this one must have been worse, so I don't ask him again, just let him be.
And even in a moment like that, I could still feel the butterflies. Maybe I wasn't paying as much attention to them as I was to Neil at the time, but there's no denying they were there. They've always been there, since the moment I first saw Neil, they started fluttering. It took me a while to realize what they were, but boy am I glad I did.