"You did really good" one of the boys to my right smiled at me encouragingly and I smiled back, my teeth slightly peeking through my lips and replied "Ah, thank you", still jittery from the adrenalin coursing through my veins, face hot and flushed from the attention.
He must have noticed and was kind enough to distract me or maybe he just tried to gain my or the viewers sympathy by being a sweetheart, so I couldn't be too sure about how genuine the compliment was, but despite that and our competitive environment I was grateful to have reason to look sideways, facing him and shielding my tomato colored head behind my long strands of hair, away from the fascinating moving cameras that were still hung up on my figure right after my first stage.
The next round was announced and like before, about a dozen of teenagers were on their feet, meeting right in front of the platform leading to the main stage.
This time however, there was no one clearly faster than the others and so a battle of rock paper scissors broke out. A few yells of defeat and happy victory cries later, a pair of two walked to the front. Mr. Confident, whose name was now revealed as Park Jay and a boy called Park Sunghoon, whose posture reminded me of a nervous penguin, not that he waddled to the front or looked too out of place on the stage.
It was simply his black shirt and his fair skin and the way he kept his eyes trained on his feet as he waited to step off the moving square which conjured up the image and his introduction of being a figure skater which didn't help his case in my mind.
As he had then looked up and I finally paid closer attention to their faces, his distinct features, perfect teeth with little fangs grazing his lips and multiple little beauty marks adding to his unique beauty.
Jay too kept up his cool appearance and it became blatantly obvious to me that Bang PD-nim knew exactly what he was doing when he placed each and every boy onto the show. They all had some individual charming point, a selling point if you will, and they all had reason to be here.
The only curveball here was me, the elephant in the room. And I did feel like a literal elephant when I was up were they were standing now.
Now however, I completely lost myself in the performances, appreciated the effort they must have put into training, especially as most weren't allowed to interact much beforehand and still delivered a perfectly synchronized dance.
After Jay and Sunghoon, who were both my age, got IN - of course I had voted for them as well, who wouldn't after a great NCT performance, especially 7th sense, one of my favorite songs?- Niki, Hanbin and Nicholas went up.
To say I was thoroughly impressed by their energetic movements and dancing skills wouldn't entirely fathom how proud I was of the small boy, even though I didn't know him well yet.
I had a tendency to get attached to people my brain deemed worthy of protection and I knew I couldn't really act like a proud mother when I only met him about an hour ago on national TV, but I still smiled and clapped a little more enthusiastically than I had intended to as he landed in his ending pose.
Hanbin too, I noticed, seemed especially charming, a smile like sunshine and an accent that provided me with ease, knowing I wasn't the only one who's pronunciation was off sometimes and knowing that an accent could actually sound rather cute.
Sadly, he was the only one of the trio not to get voted into ILAND as the number dwindled lower and lower, fear of their own failure enticing the others to vote more critically.
I felt bad for running up to the stage like I did, but I also knew that I wouldn't have made it otherwise. After all, this was a competition and I needed more strategies to make it if I didn't want to return empty-handed.
I had always feared that dreaded time after graduating, when you didn't know what to do with yourself, which job to take for the rest of your life and the constant pressure of time causing you to overthink each option and therefore finding flaws everywhere. And though I did deal with a ton of anxiety around my current position, the cameras, the spotlight, so many people stuck in a big cube, it was still my best bet at finding happiness.
I could dance like I always wanted to. I could sing and pursue fashion and all the things most teens loved. I had an actual chance at gaining what so many dreamed of. I wouldn't let it go to waste.
I congratulated Niki and Nicholas, as they sat close to me and I was genuinely glad I could share my surroundings with them for the next weeks in ILAND. But their attention laid with their teammate. I knew pity shone through my eyes and had to hold myself back from reaching out to place a comforting hand on their shoulders.
"I really liked your energy when you danced", I couldn't help but direct at Hanbin. It was a mere observation, but I still felt more genuine than a simple and general "you did great out there, keep your head up buddy".
It felt as if a light switch had turned off and the room became just a tad darker when his smiled had left his face. I almost felt a peng in my heart, as if it wanted to hurt along with him in solidarity.
He nodded at my words as if to acknowledge them, but he didn't meet my eyes. I almost felt relieved he didn't. If he had, I would likely have thrown all my inhibitions out of the window and hug him like I would have hugged my European friends back home.
The cultural difference was something I still had to get used to, but I knew the rules, since they were clearly laid out for me by the company, and I did not want to provide any chances for the editors to let out their frustrations of having to watch our faces for almost 24/7 now on me.
If I learned one thing as a Kpop fan, it was that the mercy of the editors made or broke your image in the public eye.
Taking another breath in to gather myself, I turned my attention back to the front. The show, or those parts of the recording that made it into it, had to go on after all.
The next to conquer the stage was the tall doe-eyed man in the blue oversized shirt. His name was Heeseung. He stood like a model, as one of the others had commented. And he looked like one too.
His expression was schooled and as the lights changed and the music started to play yet another NCT song, he looked like he belonged there. On a stage, dancing and singing.
As the song picked up speed his vocals left me stunned.
My eyebrows shot up on my forehead and my hand left hand went up to the tip of my nose, covering my slightly opened mouth before awkwardly forming a hesitant fist and backing back down to my side as if nothing happened.
So much for keeping composure.
His fierce expression was captivating. His dark brown hair swept in front of his eyes, but I still felt like he was staring right into my soul. Well, all of our souls as there was no way of determining where he was looking exactly.
We all clapped our hands loudly for him and he bowed. "Thank you!" his voice now sounding much deeper than during the song.
A glance around the room told me that almost all of us were thinking the same thing when the booming voice asked us to vote.
All hands shot up without hesitation, all except one boy's.
I didn't know what his deal was, but I also didn't question it at first as it could have been a strategic move to eliminate the biggest competition. But when I he said, "He really wasn't as good as I expected", it was my turn to throw side glances like that other rather sassy boy did during Seon's performance.
Like the others I held up my two thumbs and nodded in his direction, a smile gracing his face, perfectly straight white teeth shining back at all of us. His company must have already invested a lot into him for a trainee, which wasn't surprising at all considering his seemingly well-rounded talent, formed by extensive training, and an overall amazing first impression.
His voice, I decided, was my favorite of his features so far.
Next up was K, another tall man, who looked like he had stepped right out of a Japanese manga. He was another phenomenal dancer, though nervous like the rest of us, and earned himself a spot in ILAND right away. Niki especially appreciated his moves and I smiled unconsciously as I watched his upper body sway forward, head bobbing to the beat.
The smile stayed on my face this time, when Daniel, the youngest of the bunch and therefor another soon-to-be target of my closeted affection and protection, and EJ, a boy with a rather soft appearance, let us become witnesses to their version of Zico's Any Song. I couldn't help swaying along this time and had to bite my lip not to sing along. This was harder than any of those try not to dance or sing challenge videos Lissa and I tortured ourselves with willingly every once in a while, to see who could resist longer.
It was safe to say I usually failed about 2 songs in, and I regretted not ever learning to put more effort into suppressing my love for the music. It certainly would have come in handy now.
The Shoot out by Monsta X performance that followed started off strong, but I couldn't help thinking that this song was one of those, that I would not have shown to my not so Kpop accustomed parents, and it had a few too many "walker walker growling"-s for a live performance. It sounded slightly awkward sang by the boys on stage.
I did not raise my hand this time. Not because they were bad, but because I had to find some kind of criteria to go by, even if it was something as petty as song choice, as all of them were too well prepared to actually do badly and make real mistakes on stage.
Geonu, Kyungmin and Jaeho did well and it was obvious how intensely they had been training for that moment. Their posture and timing was great, but only Geonu was able to raise enough hands. Geonu, the only one not to vote for Heeseung. Geonu, the one who immediately raised his own hand for his teammate, despite there being very little spots left. I didn't need to understand his motifs to know that I still respected his loyalty completely.
My gaze seemed to unconsciously drift to the left as my thoughts processed and I caught myself staring at Heeseung absentmindedly.
His hair looked slightly messy now and my eyes followed his hand as he brushed it past his brows and out of his face. He must have felt my eyes on him as he let his own wander over each face to find the source of scrutiny. Our eyes met across the room, and only then did I realize what I was doing.
"Oh god you are being a werido, Ava. Get a grip!" But my realization came too late, and he was already well aware of my stare, so I forced the corners of my lips upward, forming a grimace that I hoped to be a smile and quickly averted my gaze very much embarrassed.
Just before I set my sight back to the stage I saw his left eyebrow quirk up in question, a slight smile blooming on his face in response. And sure enough, my cheeks once again radiated heat.
On stage was the boy Niki had been glancing at since I walked in, Taki, another very young Japanese boy. He started dancing and singing Monster, but his round cheeks in under his cute cap made him look like a baby bunny trying to be intimidating.
I didn't look right at all, but it did make me "Aww" a little in my head.
My nose scrunched up as I watched. How someone could look so angry and adorable at the same time was beyond me. But when he started locking, the puzzle pieces connected in my brain and my hand confidently raised itself, suddenly forming a mind of its own.
Next up was a group of three, who introduced themselves as Yoonwon, Taeyong and Jungwon.
The latter was the one with the beautifully symmetrical face and feline eyes. I was enjoying their stage, a switch up of genres overdue, but when I was once again tempted to sing along and vibe with the music, when I suddenly thought, the stress was getting to me.
"Did he just sing Pokémon...?", I asked myself, my brown and eyes squinting together in confusion and shook my head slightly, ready to dismiss my thought.
"Pokémon?" a voice questioned to my side. I looked into Niki's eyes, his head tilted to the side curiously and let out the chuckle I was holding in before. He looked like a puppy and this time I did reach out to rake my fingers into his hair, messing it up a little and simply shook my head dismissively. "Don't worry about it, I just misheard something" I laughed lightly.
Of course, Niki had to immediately pick up my mumbled words through the loud music as soon as I mentioned the Japanese game/anime franchise.
He silently bared my administrations, which only lasted about 3 seconds, and, only after I had already retracted my hand from his head, proceeded to shake out his hair and scrunch up his own nose a little. "Hey!" We both ended up laughing a little more and I was relieved he didn't seem to feel uncomfortable with our interaction.
This whole situation didn't actually seem as bad and as tense as I thought I would. A lot, if not all of them, were ambitious and very aware of what was at stake, but they weren't as stiff and hardened by the reality of the business that was Korean Entertainment as one would expect from people who have been training for perfection for years in some cases. And I was so so unbelievably glad to realize this. They were only teenagers and their motivation and strive to follow their dreams was inspiring and refreshing and an incredibly big relief.
They were still so full of life and will to fight, not ruined by their desired profession and I prayed to whatever entity was listening that it would stay that way forever. That Niki would keep his puppy like charm.
Lost within my thoughts I only just became aware of the glaring red number, that had reached its lowest point, obviously not allowing anymore INs, but I already raised my hand for Jungwon. If I got in, so should the others, who all stared back at us from the stage with that precious passion gleaming in their eyes.
And the number lowered even further, -1.
But what I also hadn't noticed, were the pairs of eyes that had turned to linger on us, or specifically me, after my hand's little run-in with the now shaggy looking strands of Niki's hair.
I only witnessed heads turning away from me rather quickly as I turned mine towards the last 3 male participants left to go up and perform their song in anticipation.
They sat next to Sunghoon on the middle row and as I turned my head, so did those on Sunghoon's other side, the left row of seats, which was directly facing the one I was sitting on.
Jake, Youngbin and Sunoo, who I already knew would be delightful to be around, judging by our nonverbal conversation during Seon's Got7 cover, introduced themselves and shortly after sat down on the stage, legs spread out to form a perfect 90-degree angle.
They performed Crown by Tomorrow by Together and charmed all of us and the viewers with their expressions.
-4...
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