Shane walked through the hallways, now looking into the other's bedroom. It was quite similar to his, yet it was bigger. It has a king size bed and a wardrobe, yet it didn't have a desk. In its place it was the giant wardrobe and in the left there was a access to the suite bathroom. It wasn't a big deal, just a shower, a sink and a toilet. Kinda reminded him of his bathroom, yet more modern. He went downstairs, finding the younger sitting down watching tv. Shane laid down on the couch whit them, laying his head on the other's lap. Whitout saying a word, Ian pat his head, playing whit his hair. The older's eyes watered. The farmer wasn't going to ask him anything, but the taller spoke.
Shane: If I get better this will be gone won't it?...- he asked sad, the other answering in a sweet yet worried tone.
Ian: No darling... I won't leave you unless you want... I'm here for better and for worse.
Shane: What did I do to deserve you? A friend?
Ian: Shane, everyone deserves a friend...
Shane: But I'll... I'll leave you. One bad day and I'll leave you and this world.
Ian: I know right now it always feels like you're one bad day away of ending it all, I've felt that, but it won't happen. And if it does, I know it's not my fault.
Shane: Why do you understand it?- he asked whipping off his tears, now laying looking at the other.
Ian: I was bullied since a kid. That and other situations, mainly of discrimination, has left me an anxious and depressed mess... But whit the farm life and a high dose of serotonin I'm better.
Shane: You're on anti depressants?
Ian: Yup... Life is hard, we just have to get help sometimes. I needed more then just therapy, but I don't know, maybe you do maybe you don't. I won't tell you that what helped my mental health will help you but I'm open if you want to talk about options. I don't know much but I know some.
Shane: From personal experience do you...- he sighed- Does therapy work?
Ian: Well yes, it does.
Shane: And you don't feel silly?... Like men to men- the younger smiled- we were taught to suck it up, that we shouldn't be weak...
Ian: Confronting it is part of the journey, it's hard but you need to open up. Just talking it helps.- he stated still smiling.
Shane: You're right... Just talking to you makes me feel better.
Ian: I'm glad it does.
They didn't spoke much, staying in comforting silence has they watched tv. It was currently 11 pm, Ian was wide awake, his anxiety kept him up, meanwhile on his lap was Shane, whit a fuzzy warm blanket. Ian's heart tightened had he think of what he had promised. Once again plagued by how his loved one's life was in his hands. His breathing became troubled had he held his chest, yet another panic attack. Was this the second or the third of the week? If only could he reach his sos meds. But no, Shane got him stuck in the couch. He couldn't breathe, he was gasping for hair, which in turn woke up the other. He snapped out of his sleepy daze, noticing the other, he sat up putting his hand on the other's back.
Shane: Ian are you alright?! Need me to get something?
Ian: My a-anxity meds. In the bathroom.- the older got up and quickly ran to the bathroom, finding some the medication, since it was in a pouch labeled has such, then he ran back, handing it to the other. Has he searched for the exact meds he needed, Shane grabbed him a cup of water. After taking the meds and deep breathing Ian felt himself calm down, Shane rubbed his back.
Shane: Why did you have a panic attack?
Ian: o-oh it's nothing...- he replied looking away, Shane moving his face so he stared at him.
Shane: It was because of me wasn't it? I-I'm sorry I shouldn't had b-burden you- Ian, held onto the other's hand.
Ian: It's not like that Shane I just... I don't want to lose you and the promise that I made, even tho I stick by it, makes me anxious... I really like you I wouldn't want you to be out of my life... God I'm selfish.
Shane: You're not... I also want you in my life... I'm sorry I'm making you nervous.
Ian: It's fine really... My brain always gets me to a point I'm having panic attacks for whatever reason... Anyways, thanks... It's getting late now we should probably you know.
Shane: Oh yeah right.- he said letting go of the other's face. They walked upstairs before saying goodnight, yet neither of them slept. No. Shane was to worried about the other, so he would check in each hour or so. The third time he did this, he was confronted.
Ian: Shane do you have insomnia?- the other blushed from the hallway, the younger had caught him.
Shane: N-no I was just checking on you... Wait have you been pretend sleeping?
Ian: Yeah... Got me... Come here- he said, pulling away the cover's and patting the side of his bed- If we're both awake might have well watch some TV.
Shane: You got a tv in your bedroom?- he asked has he made his way to the bed, seeing the tv on the wall of the door. He covered his legs has the younger turned on the tv.
Shane and Ian sat watching a random show that was on. Shane was quick to fall asleep. His head against the farmer's shoulder and his hand on the other's thigh. Ian's heart beat faster, yet not because of a panic attack, no this time because he was flustered. He slowly moved his hand over to the other's, his heart beating faster, his face pinkish, before he held Shane's hand.
God Ian you are so crushing for this dude.... Fuck, would he even understand?
He sat there and wondered if pursuing his feeling's was even worth it. Shane most likely did not swing that way and if he did didn't mean was safe from harm's way. But he didn't want to think about it for to long. Isntead enjoying tonight, having his crush by his side, sleeping instead of feeling worse about himself. Enjoying this small victory. He turned off the tv, rested his head on the taller's before closing his eyes. He heard the rain outside, that made him even more sleepy. But there was also something rather comforting about the rain, specially after such a cold winter. It was almost spring. And with the ice melting there came good things. Hopefully it also meant there was good things coming for their relationship.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter if so please comment your thoughts and vote.
Much love!!
-MissevilXD