CHAPTER FOURTY-SIX !
[ real life ]
❝ NOT IN LOVE ❞
📂﹖﹕𓂃𐩐💻
ʳᵉᵃˡ ˡⁱᶠᵉ
matt picks up a fry from his school lunch tray and aggressively chomps on it once it's in his mouth.
"and then i was like—" ross' voice fades out in matt's mind as he rolls his eyes and looks elsewhere. the sound of this guys voice when he talks is just.. gross. he hates this kid so much.
who is he even talking to? he's using his hands to make motions as he tells some story and genuinely not a single person is paying attention. kid is just talking to talk.
he's also directly across from matt which matt is 99% sure the gods above have done purposefully just to make him really feel like shit. it's working!
matt sighs to himself and slowly glances around every one at the lunch table, trying to find a single person who is intrigued in whatever the fuck this guy is going on about. he comes up unsuccessful, pausing once his eyes land his aurora next to him. fuck—matt catches himself, not his aurora anymore.
her eyes are set on her phone in her hands as ross yaps and yaps and yaps. she just looks so disinterested and matt is sure she never looked like that with him. at least he kept her entertained with conversation, even if it was arguing over pointless shit.
he must've been looking at the girl for too long because her eyes snap off of her phone and land right on him. matt blinks and plops a french fry in his mouth while his eyes are on her and her eyes narrow in response.
he hasn't said anything about the note.
although it's been four days since she gave it to him and he's sure his silence makes him look bad, he refuses to speak about it. he can't say anything without fully exposing his past self which is something he's just not ready to do.
plus he's gotta figure a few things out first, like where the fuck this note even came from because he's as sure as hell he didn't write some dumb shit like that.
that's why he has some important plans after school... well, after the other plans.
"rory, are you listening?" ross' agonizing voice pulls auroras attention away from matt.
matt simply can not help it, he leans further back in his chair and rolls his eyes. aurora catches him doing it and he doesn't care. her eyes linger on him for a moment before she sighs and sets her phone face down on the table, turning to ross.
"yes, you were talking about your first time doing shrooms or whatever the fu—" matt tunes them out with a scrunch of his nose. ross would be the type of the guy to do shrooms.
well, so would kingston but it's okay when it's kingston.
speaking of kingston, matt turns to chris in the seat next to him and leans over him on the table to talk to kingston who's next to his girlfriend makayla. the group had moved from their previous table where they sat at when aurora was clearly avoiding matt and back to this table—this time unfortunately with ross. also like.. it's not like aurora isn't avoiding matt anymore because she definitely is but she's returned back to the groups hang out spots and stopped distancing herself. she talks to everyone again now, just not matt. lucky him!
just kidding! he is not lucky, he is actually a wreck. he would do anything for aurora to pay the same attention to him that she pays to everyone else, even if they were just glares or arguments again. he just misses her company. he is very extremely bothered by her sudden absence from his every day life. it's like.. she's here but she's not here with him.
"matt?" kingstons questioning tone snaps matt out of his internal thoughts. "you tapped my shoulder and just like.. zoned out for a solid five seconds, bro. you good?"
"yeah, yeah, sorry," he blinks repeatedly, leaning back into his seat and ignoring the weird look he gets from chris. "i was just making sure you're still good to help with the whole aurora bakes blindfolded video after school?" he asks. it was a video they planned forever ago since auroras a fan favorite out of all of their friends and the audience just loves matt and auroras.. bickering. that's actually kind of funny now since they aren't exactly on bickering terms but they already settled on filming the video today so...
he notices aurora perk up in the corner of his eye and almost grins, satisfied by catching her attention from bringing her name up in conversation. he pretends not to notice it and continues looking at kingston until he answers. "oh yeah, i'm still down, don't worry," he responds easily.
"good," nick speaks up from where he sits at the chair on the very end of the table on their side. one person has to sit on the edge because venus and raven are sat in the spots next to aurora and ross. they had a perfect amount of seats without anyone sitting on the edge before ross shoved his way into the group. fucking ross. "the fans have been asking for it since forever because they know how funny rory would be."
aurora grins and ross enters the conversation even though no one invited him into it. "wait what's baking blindfolded?" he asks.
matt stares at him like he's a fucking idiot, which he is. is this kid hearing himself? what it is, is literally in the fucking name.
"it's..." nick trails off for a moment, blinking. "baking something while you're.. blindfolded."
"oh."
dumb fuck.
woah, matt blinks, he sounded like rory there for a second.
rory.
rory, rory, rory.
okay matt, stop having a little mental conversation with yourself, he thinks.
"yknow what? when i think about it, imagining you baking without being able to see anything is actually hilarious," ross suddenly looks to aurora teasingly and matt groans so loudly in his mind. "especially with your temper."
matt watches as aurora rolls her eyes amusedly at him and feels the extreme urge to just die. she would always roll her eyes with the same amusement at him when they argued and seeing her do it with him is just something he can not bare. he decides then and there that he never ever wants to see her roll her eyes with that sort of fondness at someone who isn't him. ross simply does not deserve that type of playfulness from her.
"okay ross," she sighs before giving him a sarcastic smile. "i'm gonna lose my temper on you if you don't shut the fuck up!"
ross just grins and matt wants to projectile vomit everywhere over the nerve he has to look at her like that. "seriously though," he chuckles as aurora just narrows her eyes at him. "you'd definitely miss the pan when pouring stuff every single time and then blame everyone else."
ross just thinks he knows every goddamn thing about her but no, if he really knew her, he'd know she wouldn't just blame 'everyone else,' she'd blame matt. it was kind of her thing and matt didn't even care all that much because it started arguments between them and that was kind of their thing but now it's started an actual fight between the two so... nevermind.
"ross," she shakes her head, suddenly picking up the open twizzler package in front of him and shoving it in his face. "shut the fuck up and eat your twizzlers or something."
genuinely what is this. are twizzlers like.. their thing now? that is bullshit! matt has never even seen aurora eat twizzlers in her life until this past week.
yknow what? this kid would probably get aurora iced caramel coffee with no extra caramel just like cameron. he actually is kind of a slightly less-sucky version of cameron.
matt wonders if punching ross would get him in auroras good graces again. punching cameron kind of scored his first kiss with her but that was also after she got the ick for the guy or whatever.
matt's eyebrows scrunch together slightly. what's a way he can get her to get the ick for ross? does matt even hold that type of power? cameron did it to himself because of how gross he was but ross is better at hiding his douchiness so it'll take longer for aurora to get the ick for him.
wait... did matt kissing another girl make aurora get the ick for... him? he almost shutters at the thought. god, he hopes not.
he wonders if just dropping to his knees and like.. begging for forgiveness would give her the ick. he hopes not because if she doesn't snap out of this weird ross trance she's under soon, that's kind of his last resort.
"matt, hello? why are you making a weird face? did you hear me?"
matt blinks, turning to chris who stares at him like he's some sort of weird, treacherous creature. "what."
chris rolls his eyes. "i said," he sighs, reaching his hand out and gesturing slightly to aurora and ross. "you should enjoy this taste of your own medicine because you and rory were like ten times worse than this."
matt glances over at the pair as aurora is making a weird and secretly amused face at ross while he laughs, his face scrunching up. "shut up, no."
"yes," chris emphasizes with a crossing of his arms. "you were like.. way more blatantly in love than ross though."
"ye—" matt begins to agree absentmindedly as his eyes are still on the two across from him before realizing what chris said and immediately turning to him. "shut the fuck up. i wasn't in love with her."
"you were about to say yes!" chris points out with a laugh as matt just groans. "oh my god."
"i literally didn't hear what you said."
"yeah, sure," he agrees mockingly before shrugging. "you're right though, my bad." matt is about to just nod his head when chris continues with a nonchalant, "you're obviously still in love."
matt's face drops and he instantly sits up, ready to defend himself. "what the fuck? no. i can't 'still be in love' with her if i never was in the first place, you fucking dumbass."
"matt," chris narrows his eyes at his brother, beginning to grow serious. "you're so stuck on this shit about hating her that you won't just open your eyes and look around. she is literally with ross!" he whisper-shouts, pausing to glance over at aurora and make sure she didn't hear. she's still indulged in conversation with ross though so chris sighs and leans back in his seat, giving matt a knowing look. "it's okay to admit it now, bro. you've genuinely got nothing to lose."
his pride, his ego, his self assurance, literally every thing he's ever known—matt could name about five thousand things he could lose from admitting to something like that. good thing he will never have to admit to anything even close to that! matt is not in love with aurora.
"i'm not fucking in love with her," he repeats, words now harsher as he's beginning to grow annoyed.
chris scoffs almost disappointedly. "if you don't own up to your blatant feelings soon, this," he subtly points to aurora and ross. "is going to be the rest of the school year."
matt just shakes his head, turning away from him and slouching back into his seat with a scowl. in what world would matt ever be in love with aurora?
to matt, hating aurora makes the stars align every night, causes the sun to come back up every day, keeps the earth turning perfectly on its axis, and stops asteroids from coming down from the sky. loving her just wouldn't make sense. he could never be in love with her, it would just make every thing wrong.
but also, he was never supposed to want to kiss her, want to see her smile, want to hear her morning voice, want to have her in his arms, want to have her. he was never supposed to want any of that but he did. he wanted it badly—he craved it. and he got all of it.
but the stars still make constellations in the night sky, he still wakes up to sunlight coming through his windows, the earth doesn't randomly flip upside down, and there's certainly no asteroids crashing around them. so if wanting her and having her was never in the cards but still worked out perfectly fine, what about—
his thoughts are cut off by the sound of her laugh. he glances up to see the sight before him and is suddenly reminded of how he doesn't even have her anymore. ross is saying something to amuse her as he tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, her laughing at whatever he said and not paying attention to his admiring grin.
he hates it but he wants to be ross. he genuinely wants to be ross. he used to have aurora but he doesn't anymore and he wants her back. he wants her back so fucking badly his heart is in physical pain every second he spends being around her being with someone that isn't him.
he feels like a fool sitting here across from the pair as he ponders on chris' words and wishes he was someone else. he just wants aurora back—his aurora and he knows he did this to himself but fuck, it hurts.
wanting something he knows he can't have hurts. it hurts so much it's nearly unbearable. he wonders how much worse loving her would hurt because fuck, is this painful enough.
it's a good thing matt is not in love with aurora.
but he wonders if there's as thin of a line there is between love and hate with love and want. he really fucking hopes not because it seems he's already struggling enough with the first one.
he closes his eyes for a second and repeats in his head, i am not in love with aurora, i am not in love with aurora, i am not in love with aurora. seems like something a person not in love with aurora would think.
matt sighs, content with himself, and opens his eyes again.
why is he suddenly scared asteroids are going to come raining down from the sky?
💌
help this is the most unplanned chapter i have ever written like this was supposed to go in a completely different direction i don't even know how i got here i. this is also rlly short but like... if it was longer it would've taken like five more days so🤗🤗
matt is lowkey aware of his unawareness about being in love with aurora ❤️❤️❤️ i know this makes so much sense woah ❤️❤️❤️
basically matt is like this 🤏 close to realizing he's in love guys everyone cheer!!!
next chap u get to see aurora doing a blindfolded baking challenge vid and maybe if we're lucky we'll hear more ab that silly lil fifth grade note haha😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
<3
jaden