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I
Dear void,
(that's who Sister Woo told me to address)
Sister Woo told me to clear my head I needed to write how I feel. She even gave me this notebook to help me begin.
I'm Jo Siyeon. I'm 6 years old and I'm an orphan. A lot of couple have visited but none chose me, but Sister Woo told me today might be my day because important people are visiting us!
I want a family. I hope this is my chance to have one.
love,
Siyeon
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II
Dear void,
They adopted me!
I thought they were normal people, but when I saw the house I was going to live in from now on, wow.
I now have a brother but he won't talk to me. He only looked at me when I first entered the room, it kind of made me sad but Ms. Minseo, no wait, mom, told me he just needs some getting used to.
Yeah, maybe in the future, everything will be alright.
love,
Siyeon
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III
Dear void,
They're very strict about my health, I wonder why.
love,
Siyeon
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IV
Dear void,
I finally spoke to my new brother!
love,
Siyeon
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"Do you also want tea, Siyeon?" The maid had asked when Siyeon took a peak of the kitchen where she saw her brother sitting there quietly with a mug on his hand.
"I-I've never had tea." She confesses, remaining on the doorframe of the kitchen, afraid of joining her step brother inside, who showed no clue of liking her.
"Oh that's fine! Come here, I'll make you one." The maid walked to her, holding her by the hand as she helped Siyeon sit on one of the chairs. There was one seat that separated her from Haeseong who kept his attention on the book he was reading. "Here, I hope you like this." The maid hands her a smaller cup which fitted her small hands better.
The maid left a few minutes after, claiming she had to check on something which meant the only two people left in the room were the step siblings. Siyeon thought they would sit there in silence while she takes a sip of the tea, but when she winced in pain because she accidentally held the part of the cup that was hot, everything shifted.
"Are you okay?" Haeseong asked, looking at her then back to her hand that was now red. "I'll get you something cold." He says, filling a glass with cold water before giving it to her. "Here hold this."
"Thank you." She mumbles, accepting the glass from him. "W-What are you studying?" Finally, she mustered up the courage to speak to him, as though the action from earlier had sparked a hope that there was a chance they could still be siblings.
"Biology." He merely answers, and just as when she thought she wasn't going to get any more reply, he continues to speak. "Mom told me you're smart, do you want to read with me?"
Her eyes lit up. "Of course!"
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V
Dear void,
I'm now closer with my brother.
We speak casually and now we go to school together compared to back then when we always leave separately.
But, it took over a year for me to finally learn why my brother was always in the hospital.
I was always alone in the house. The family would come home late, join me to dinner then go to sleep. I once asked why and they said it's because they were training Haeseong to be the heir of our hospital. I understand, of course!
But when Haeseong collapsed in front of me, his hands on his chest, they finally revealed to me that he has been suffering from a heart disease since he was born. That's why he was always gone, always too weak to play outside with me.
If there was a way I could help him, I wish there was. I don't want to lose my brother just yet.
love,
Siyeon
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VI
Dear void,
I'm finally 9 years old! It's been three years since the Jo family took me in as their own.
Dad promised he would bring me anywhere I desired or give me anything I want. So I asked for one thing, a trip just the four of us in the countryside at one of our beach houses.
Mom gave me a necklace which she owned and was now passing to me. She said it suits me better than it has ever suit her.
Haeseong gave me another notebook in case I fill this one in the future. But this is very far from getting filled, I only have six entries so far and it's been three years since I had this.
My fault mostly because I keep forgetting to write.
This day had been one of days where I felt like I actually had a family, that I was actually part of them and not some outsider child they took in.
I wish my family will stay like this forever.
love,
Siyeon
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VII
Dear void,
I want to be as good as my brother.
I realize now how great this family is, filled with overachievers who studied at schools from the other side of the world.
I want to be like them.
I have to be like them.
love,
Siyeon
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VIII
Dear void,
Two years passed.
So far I am very good at school, but I'm never first place. I thought my parents would be more upset about it since they once scolded Haeseong for falling to second place, but surprisingly, they didn't care.
They told me it doesn't matter what grades I get.
Maybe they expected more from Haeseong because he was meant to inherit more important things than me. Maybe that's it.
Or maybe they just don't believe I'm as capable as my brother.
love,
Siyeon
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IX
Dear void,
Why is everything getting harder?
love,
Siyeon
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X
Dear void,
I spent the whole day in the hospital.
Haeseong wasn't feeling well, and mom and dad couldn't take care of him so I offered to do it instead.
It's fun hanging out with him anyway.
We managed to study together and distract ourselves from the fact his heart was getting weaker.
I overheard mom and dad.
I wish things would get better.
I wish my brother would live longer.
love,
Siyeon
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XI
Dear void,
How long has it been since I wrote in this notebook?
I was 12 during the last entry and now I'm 16.
Wow, it's been so long. I just entered high school about a week ago and it was half an hour ago when I manage to fish this notebook from the corner of my room.
Change, of course, being the only ever constant in the world had its effects on me both good and bad. Good in a way that I finally proved myself capable by entering one of the most prestigious school in the country, not to mention I'm in Class A, or rather the class filled with the best students.
The bad change consisted of my brother's heart continuing to deteriorate until mom and dad feared that they may be able to predict the number of years he has left.
Before entering school I was also instructed not to let anyone know I'm adopted, which was a task that I found trivial considering telling everyone they were my parents had never been part of my plan.
Reading the entries before this makes me want to wish that I would see my parents the same way I did back when they first adopted me, but right now, the only thing I ever see when staring at them are two people I have to please.
The two people I can't fail.
love,
Siyeon
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XII
Dear void,
I realized now that I was in a classroom filled with people who had their life planned up to ten years while I, do not have an inkling clue if there is a life meant for me.
Is it possible for someone not to dream?
Is it possible to live an aimless life?
I have no clue, but sometimes I wished I could relate to the people in this classroom.
Yet I'm stuck in an endless loop of wondering and worrying, never finding anything to do in between.
Do I really have a purpose in life?
love,
Siyeon
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XIII
Dear void,
Turns out I did have a purpose.
I was 17 when I learned it.
Siyeon
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"Hangyeol, calm yourself! Siyeon will hear you!" Minseo raises her voice to her husband who paced back and forth in his office, pinching the bridge of his nose as he thought hardly about something.
Siyeon pressed her back on the wall, holding her report card in between her arms as she eavesdropped to the fight her parents were having. The moment she arrived home, she immediately searched for her brother who surprisingly wasn't home studying in his room or eating the last of the cookies the head maid had baked. Once she concluded he wasn't home, she went straight to her parents to show it to them, hoping that this was enough reason for the family to gather and eat dinner outside like they usually did.
"She's old enough, Minseo! She's old enough to know why we truly adopted her! She's old enough to execute her purpose!" Hangyeol's loud voice had caused Siyeon to flinch.
What are they saying?
"Let's not overwhelm her with it. Please, we can't. Remember, if we do, we don't know how she'll react." Minseo sounded almost as if she was pleading, but the silence from her husband had proved he disagreed with her.
"Siyeon!" He hollered and Siyeon took that as her cue to enter the room. Slowly, she twisted the doorknob as anxiety began to fill her chest as she looked at the expressions both her parents held.
"W-What is it?" She asked, hiding her report card at her back.
She jumps when her father immediately gripped both her arms furiously. "You have to listen to what I have to say Siyeon! Keep in mind you owe this to us, you owe this to your brother!"
"Hangyeol, don't-" Minseo tried to stop him but she was shoved away.
"Mom!" Siyeon tried to reach out to her but the grip on her arms only got tighter.
"You have to give your heart to Haeseong! That's the only way for your brother to live! That's the only reason you even became a part of this family! We've done enough for you, it's time you pay us back."
Her purpose.
This was it. All those days spent pondering why she was adopted by two rich and powerful people, why she ended up having a brother who took care of her as if their blood was one, why she became a nobody to somebody. This is the only explanation she ever really needed.
This is what she's always meant to be. A pig for slaughter.
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XIV
Dear void,
I thought that if I learned my purpose, I would be able to walk forward even faster than I initially was, but I fell behind the race.
Finding out why I even became Jo Siyeon distracted me so much that I fell to 50th place. And everyday my parents made up for the fact they delivered the news in the manner they did. Is it even fair to call them my parents anymore? Not when now I know I was never a daughter to them.
What hurts even more is that I can't even tell Haeseong the truth.
He asked me earlier why I won't talk to mom and dad or why I keep making up excuses to eat alone.
But I can't tell him.
I hate the truth, it's so heavy.
Siyeon
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XV
Dear void,
Why did Haeseong have to find out? I wanted to do this without him knowing.
Why is life never kind to me?
Siyeon
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"Haeseong, it's been a while!" Soohyun, their family lawyer, greets him as soon as he enters their house. "I was just about to leave, but it's great running to you."
"It's great to see you too, Soohyun." He greets her as well. "What brings you here? You rarely come to our house."
"Oh your father called me to talk about his will. You are set to inherit a lot." She emphasizes on the last two words.
"Did he change something?"
"Yeah, actually it's a change I don't understand. Has he and Siyeon been in bad terms?" Soohyun asked an unusual question.
"Siyeon has been a little distant lately so I don't really know what's her current relationship with dad." He explains. "Why? Did he change something about her inheritance?"
There was a reluctance on her face, as though she didn't want to say the contents of her business with his father. Haeseong understood why but his interest was immediately piqued by the mere mention of the connection between his father and sister's relationship and her inheritance. Somehow, he couldn't help himself but be worried.
"Soohyun, you're our family lawyer and may I remind you I'm part of this family, the oldest son even. Whatever business you have here involves my father and sister." He states in a stern way which pressured the lawyer to speak of the contents of her conversation with his father.
A minute after Haeseong barged inside his father's office without so much of a knock. His nose fumed of anger as he stared furiously at the old version of him, the man whom he spent his life respecting as a doctor and a father. The image of his role model immediately dissipates in a moment as he confronts his father about the dreadful information he had squeezed out of the lawyer.
"You disinherited Siyeon?!" Haeseong angrily says as he disrespectfully stomps inside.
His father, who did not even change expressions, only looked at his son in a stern manner. "How did you find out? Did you speak with our lawyer?"
"It doesn't matter how I found out! How could you disinherit your daughter just like that? Is it because she's not your biological daughter?!" He hits the table afterward. "She's part of this family whether by blood or not. How could you take that away from her?"
"That girl is not my daughter nor is she your sister. She will no longer be inheriting thirty percent of my possessions, everything will go to you, my blood." Haeseong's fist moved on its own, almost hitting his father if not for the hand that encaged his wrist, which simultaneously pushed him away from the table.
His mother's worried face gazed at her son who seemed to have grown even more angrier than earlier. "You raised her for a decade! You took her in as your own, gave her your name and privilege, and yet you still don't see her as your daughter? I don't understand."
"I took her in so you would live! Everything I did for you!"
"What do you mean by that?"
"She's your heart donor! We've been nourishing her heart for your sake. She's not your sister. She's not a part of this family."
"Hangyeol!" His mother interferes when the truth slipped out of his father's mouth.
"This is your punishment for disrespecting me like this. To learn about the truth." A devilish look appeared on his father's face.
At that moment, Haeseong's chest began to ache and he couldn't quite figure out what had caused it or rather which among the current events did. Was it caused by his heart disease? Was it his heated fight with his father? Was it the truth about Siyeon's purpose in their house? Or was it the figure of her sister who stood behind him with tears flowing out of her eyes?
All he knew was that his chest hurts.
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XVI
Dear void,
It has been two weeks since Haeseong last spoke to me.
I never exerted the effort to talk to him anyway so this is partially my fault. I isolated myself too much from this family. I hated going home because every time I did, I'm constantly reminded of my inevitable end.
The teachers spoke to me earlier. They said I wasn't able to make up for the fact I dropped to 50th so I was going to be transferred to Class B. Not that it mattered, I couldn't careless about my education anymore.
As soon as I got home, I went straight to my room and called it a day. I slept and slept until I had to repeat the tedious cycle of life.
I always go back to my old entries and envy my young self.
What a pity you've become, Jo Siyeon.
Siyeon
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XVII
Dear void,
Haeseong finally spoke to me after a month of avoiding me.
And it was because of his horrible attempt in getting me away from our parents.
He should've known it was pathetic to even try.
Siyeon
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XVIII
Dear void,
My last year of high school began today.
Boring as usual.
Siyeon
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XIX
Dear void,
This Jake guy is so competitive.
Why is he glaring at me? I only corrected his wrong answer.
Men and their ego.
Siyeon
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XX
Dear void,
Messing with Sim Jake is kind of fun.
Sim is smart, I got to give him that but he's clumsy when he solves and often look pasts his mistakes. That's why it's so easy to catch his mistakes and correct him.
But it's annoying when the tables are reversed.
I recently learned he's friends with Lee Heeseung. I remember him from Class A, of course I would, he's one of the smartest.
I feel like messing with Jake even more.
Siyeon
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XXI
Dear void,
Messing with him isn't fun anymore.
Not when the teacher placed us next to each other.
Siyeon
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XXII
Dear void,
Haeseong collapsed again. Mom and dad delivered the news to me that he needs a transplant as soon as possible.
I didn't want to leave just yet so I asked for a little more time and I was given until school has ended. To make up for the fact they basically placed a limit to my life, they bought me all sort of expensive things. It felt like a bribe to be honest and I hated each material I received.
So I destroyed them all.
I was in the process of destroying the new gifts given to me when Sim decided to butt in my business. Why is he snooping in my business? Does he not have a life of his own?
I dislike him.
Siyeon
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XXIII
Dear void,
Sim woke me up with a pencil.
With a pencil.
I have to say, he's funny.
Siyeon
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XXIV
Dear void,
I'm starting to have fun again.
And I hate the fact that it's because of that loud breathing jerk.
My life has started to lose its color and it almost grew dark, but something is slowing it down.
Or he's slowing it down.
Siyeon
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XXV
Dear void,
We ended up as partners.
At first, I thought it was going to be a disaster, midway I thought we could make it work, but towards the end I started to see that my first assumption was right.
I heard from someone they saw Sim and Kang cleaning the music room around the time I was expecting his presence in the infirmary. It's extremely dumb of me to assume that he'd pick me over the girl who he spent his childhood with and most probably his future as well.
Just when I thought he couldn't get any more annoying.
Siyeon
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XXVI
Dear void,
Jake brought me to his house and I managed to see what kind of person he was outside our classroom.
During my stay in their house, I finally got a glimpse of what a true family looked like. My parents were never chatty, and if ever they were, the topic has always been about Haeseong's achievements. Haeseong himself also isn't chatty when our parents are around.
My life in the Jo house made me feel constantly afraid and pressured.
They kept calling me that day, worried that I was exerting my heart that was meant to be given away. Haeseong texted me once and it was a stay safe.
Jake and I spoke, and for a minute I was proud of us for being civil. For not at least throwing a spoon at each other.
He called me a mystery and I feared he was growing more intrigued of what I was hiding. He can't know about the truth.
He can't know what truly hid behind Jo Siyeon.
Siyeon
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XXVII
Dear void,
I don't need a will to live. I don't need another reason to run away.
I can't look at Jake in any other way, because if I do, we're both doomed to a horrible end.
Siyeon
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XXVIII
Dear void,
I ran away from the hospital when the nurse had accidentally doubled the dose for my medicine.
Maybe it was the medicine affecting my inhibition but at that moment I was looking for Jake. I was looking for the light. I needed the feeling he gave me, the one that reminded me of being alive.
And for once I believed in fate when he appeared in front of me. His attire reminded me of the invitation to a recital I had turned down. I didn't want to go to a hospital when he asked me to, I wanted to stay where we are. Under a waiting shed awaiting for something to happen.
Everything has always been so dark ever since I learned of the remaining time I had left, but he changed that. He illuminated the abyss, yet the radiance wasn't strong enough to change me completely.
It was the afterglow. A hint of light which will eventually be eaten by the dark.
That's what the two of us will ever be.
Siyeon
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XXIX
Dear void,
Holidays were never celebrated in our house, only achievements.
So it had been an experience when Jake asked me to go out during New Year. By now I knew how he felt for me, it wasn't as if he tried to be subtle about it, but that knowledge didn't urge me to move forward knowing that I feel the same.
Instead his feelings had only pushed me away. I have never been so scared of him finding out the truth. I don't expect him to understand why I agreed to have my time cut short, I know he'll act just like my brother; desperately trying to save me.
A soul that refuses to be saved, could never be saved.
This was the truth. I feel too much for Jake to hurt him in any way.
That's why any form of affection from him, scared me. Including the kiss which I can't get my mind off no matter how hard I try.
Siyeon
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XXX
Dear void,
Hyejin found out. What do I do now?
Siyeon
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Hyejin was looking for Jake under strict orders from his parents. She knew he was somewhere with Siyeon and despite her refusal to look at any form of affection between the two, his parents had been adamant when they asked her to search for him. Her search immediately came to a halt when several familiar voices could be heard at one corner of the school where no one ever passes. Walking closer to that corner, she took a peek of the people speaking under the hopes of figuring out who those people are, and much to her surprise it was Siyeon and her parents.
"We have waited until school is over. It's time you pay your end of the deal." Siyeon's father speaks. "Haeseong needs a heart as soon as possible, any longer and he would be unable to pretend he's okay."
Hyejin pressed her palm on her mouth as she closely listened to the conversation.
"Y-Yes, let's do it as soon you're ready." Siyeon answered with a low voice.
"Good. Say your goodbyes immediately Jo Siyeon, you can no longer escape the purpose of your adoption." He tells.
"Hangyeol don't speak like that so freely. What if someone hears you?" Her mother scolds.
"We're desperate here Minseo. We can not wait any longer anymore." He answers. "Come on, Minseo, we still have to talk with other people. Follow along Siyeon when you're ready."
Hyejin hid in a corner where they wouldn't see her once they passed by her. After assessing whether the coast was clear, she showed herself to the other girl who remained standing there, looking down at the ground as though she had been crying. Yet the lack of tears on her face had disproved Hyejin's assumption and soon, she began to speak. Her voice had startled the gloomy girl.
"Hyejin." Siyeon never bothered to hide the shock on her face because of the current situation she was in. "W-What are you doing here?"
"Jake and I were wrong. You never needed a heart donor..."
"You are the heart donor."
"Hyejin, please don't tell Jake." She pleads to Hyejin, whose eyes were wide as she still tried to make sense of everything. "Please, please don't tell him!"
"Siyeon, you do understand the magnitude of this right? You think I can stand at the sideline, watch my best friend— no, the man I love, agonize over your secrets, and leave you to die in the hands of your supposed parents?!" Hyejin didn't mean to raise her voice on Siyeon, but she felt as if that moment called for it. "And you dare call me a coward." She adds, remembering back to the one conversation they had in the past.
"That's right, I'm a coward for keeping this secret to myself; for asking not to be saved. But please Hyejin, all I ask is your silence. At least do this to protect Jake. If he finds out, what do you think he'll do?"
"The right thing, Siyeon! Save you!"
"I don't need anyone's help."
Siyeon was about to turn her back on Hyejin, but the latter managed to stop her with one sentence.
"I'll tell Jake everything." Hyejin said that as a lie. She knew that secret was and will never be hers to tell. "But I'll keep my silence if you tell me right now you won't leave without at least telling him the truth."
The hesitance on Siyeon's eyes had been enough to answer the latter's question. "If you're not going to tell him, please don't leave him out of nowhere. Spend at least a day with him before you go." Hyejin never even realized that she had been pleading at that time.
When she realized Siyeon was not going to change her mind even after reminding her of the things she could do, Hyejin had no choice but to ask her of this.
So that in the end, even for short moment, they would have one more memory to cherish.
A calm before the storm, she would like to say.
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XXXI
Dear void,
I brought Jake to the orphanage.
When he asked me why I brought him there, I couldn't think of an answer but as I watched him play with the kids, I soon realized what had urged me to click on his contact and call him.
I saw how well he fit with the Jo Siyeon who was part of a prominent family, now I wanted to see how well he fit with the Jo Siyeon who was the child of a couple who gave up their child as soon as things got hard.
And he fit perfectly with both.
I agonize everyday that a perfect day ended like that.
Our last conversation made me think back of my conversation with sister Woo.
Siyeon
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"Siyeon, you seem to be having more fun compared to your past visits." Sister Woo approached Siyeon who stood by the sideline as she watched Jake happily playing soccer with the kids. "Could your friend be part of the reason why?"
"Don't say that to Haeseong, he's going to be mad." Siyeon jokes while simultaneously ignoring the question asked by the Sister. "Which reminds me I have to talk to you about something."
"What is it?"
She took a sharp breath first before the sentence escaped her mouth. "This is my last visit."
"Oh?" Sister Woo seemed surprise to hear that given the fact that Siyeon grew up in that orphanage. "You seemed troubled dear, what could be the reason?"
"Everything." She answers, forcing a smile on her face as her gaze instinctively traveled back to Jake. "When my current parents adopted me, I thought that my life would go well after that. But right now, everything fired back to me and now I'm forced to leave."
"Siyeon."
"I wish this orphanage all the best. I did spend the last years of my freedom here and I'm quite sure Haeseong would never abandon this place." Her reassurance couldn't wipe the look of dismay on the other's face.
"You make it sound like you're leaving for good, as if you can't call or check on the orphanage through the phone. Is everything good, Siyeon? You can always tell the truth to me."
The truth.
If only it was that easy. If only the truth won't change them.
"I'm alright, Sister." She lied.
"Does he know your adopted?" Sister Woo shifts the topic after sensing that an appropriate response was not going to escape the other's mouth any time soon.
Siyeon was caught off guard when the topic immediately transitions to Jake, and finding no point in concealing the fact she had brought him here without at least telling him why her visits there were too frequent, she answered with the truth.
"No." The simple answer had decided the path of their conversation.
"Is it correct of me to assume that you do not like this man enough to tell him the truth of your identity?" Sister Woo continues to ask questions pertaining to Jake.
"I'd say the opposite. I'm scared that when I tell him about the truth of my origins, the truth that I'm not born in the same standing as him, would make him realize that I'll never be good enough for him." Siyeon explained to her how she truly felt.
"I think you're misjudging him. From the way he looks at you, I do not think that's a look of a man who can easily be scared just because you're not born with the privilege you have right now." Sister Woo tells her, looking at the child in the same motherly way she does every time they see each other. "I can see how scared you are, Siyeon. But do not quickly judge the lengths love can push someone through."
"Love?"
"If your fear is not love and his look is not affection, then what word can you think of which can better describe the position you're both in?"
Siyeon stood there, thinking of a word that better described their position yet none came to mind. It was another truth she was forced to confront that day. The truth that she was in too deep in love with someone who's bound to get hurt if they continue on with this path. And just thinking of the repercussions her affection mixed with her secrets hold, it scared her deeply.
Siyeon never knew how scary the afterglow was.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE :
5000 words.....