Jackie: Brads, we need to talk. Call me when you land.
When we landed in New Zealand, to play our first to group matches, I knew I had to call her. I knew I couldn't leave this situation unattended to. But I also didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how I felt let alone be able to explain those emotions to someone who was currently in a different country to me.
I was staring at my phone, when a calming presence walked up behind me.
"Everything okay?" A person with a Boston accent asked me. I turned around to see Kristie looking over my shoulder.
"Want the truth or a lie?" I laughed.
"The truth Brads, always the truth."
"I think me and Jackie may be over," I said, looking down at the ground, trying not to make eye contact with Kristie.
"Why do you think that?" she asked me, and I flipped around my phone to show her the message.
"Don't assume anything, Brads," Kristie said, trying to instil something in me, "it could be anything."
"I don't know Kris," I replied, "it had been weird recently. It was like we were on a different wavelength." Kristie thought for a second, before responding.
"Maybe, then, this may be a good thing. Give each other some space and when you get back to England, it can be a time to sort everything out."
"I am not sure I am going back to England," I responded.
"Really?"
"I've had a few offers, from different clubs."
"That's incredible Brads. What's stopping you then?"
"Her."
"Oh."
"Listen, Bradie, I know this may be tough to hear, but you are one of the best strikers in the world. You are an incredibly talented and gifted player. If Jackie loved you enough, she would let you go and be that incredible player, without her. That's what Indi did."
"What do you mean?"
"When Jill got offered that opportunity at Wolfsburg, she was about to turn it down. She was going to stay at Arsenal and be with Indi. but, Inds didn't let her. Indi made her go, without her, and they broke up in the process, but Jill got to go and live out her dream, and become the player Indi always knew she could be. That is love right there. That is true love."
"What if it's not true love?"
"Then maybe it's not meant to be."
Kristie gave it to me how it was. She didn't fluff about, but rather told me the truth, and I appreciated it more than she realised. I knew that that was what I needed. Someone to give it to me straight.
We landed in New Zealand prior to our first group match against Brazil. We knew we had one of the tougher groups in the competition, but we weren't going to let that scare us. We had to go out there and do what we needed to do to get the win, and come top in the group.
As I got into the hotel room, with Tierna and I both falling onto our beds, I was glad to be back with my normal roomie.
"I've missed you T," I said to her, as we lay on our beds.
"All is right in the world," she answered, and I smiled.
As Tierna left to go downstairs, I knew I had to ring Jackie. I had to get this scary ordeal over and done with.
The phone rang several times, before a response on the other line.
"Hey," I heard a voice say over the phone.
"Hi," I answered, "you wanted to talk?" I knew I couldn't walk around the truth. I just had to ask.
"Yeah, I thought we should talk," Jackie responded.
"Okay."
"Well, this is harder than I thought it would be," she started to say.
"Jack, just say it."
"I might be leaving too," she said.
"Huh?" I was surprised by this sudden revelation.
"Yeah, I got an offer somewhere else."
"Actually?" I said, confused.
"Yes, actually."
"Are you going to take it?" I asked her.
"I'm not sure. Are you taking up one of your offers?"
"Jack, I told you before and I'll say it again, I don't know."
"Well, I do. I am taking mine." She's leaving? She is leaving England?
"Where is it?"
"PSG."
"As in Paris?" I asked her.
"Yes, as in Paris."
"Okay," I responded, not knowing what else to say. I thought that it would be a thing we would decide together, but apparently not. Apparently this is what she wanted, and I knew I had to respect that.
"Are you going to say anything else?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Bradie..."
"Jack, I don't think I can do this, not right now."
"Do what?"
"Any of it."
"What do you mean?" I didn't want to do it over the phone, but I knew I needed time. Needed time to process all of this. Maybe that time was best to be had without her. Without Jackie.
"I need time. I need space."
"You have space. We're a whole sea apart right now."
"I know, but Jackie, I can't do this anymore. How could you decide that without me?"
"I didn't want to, but you wouldn't talk to me Bradie. You didn't want to discuss anything about our future."
"Maybe because it scares me. Scares me to the core. I can't think about a future when I still relive the past."
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"You don't get it. You never have."
"Bradie."
"I'm sorry, Jackie. I'm sorry it had to happen like this."
"I'm sorry too then. I'm sorry I poured my heart into something that you never saw working out."
"That's not what I meant, jack."
"Then what did you mean?" I wanted to explain to her how my brain works. How I live with trauma that will forever be embedded into me. But she wouldn't get it. No one does. No one except one person.
"I don't know. I just need time. Need space."
"Then I'll give that to you because I need it too."
"Okay."
"Okay," I repeated.
"I'll see you in Australia."
"I guess you will." She hung up the phone first, and when I put it down, I immediately froze. It was as if my mind was working in overdrive but my body couldn't move. Did that really just happen? Was it actually over?
I heard a knock on my door, and I wanted to get up. I wanted to answer it. But I couldn't. My body wouldn't work.
The door knocked again, and again.
"Bradie?" I heard a voice say, "Is everything okay?" I tried to get up, but I couldn't. Soon, the door opened, and two people were standing outside.
"Thanks T," one of the voices said, "I'll take it from here."
Emily came inside, and saw me in my current state. I was sat, on the ground, my eyes wandering around, but my body unable to work.
"Bradie?" Emily said, kneeling beside me.
I couldn't speak. Words weren't able to form.
She knew what this meant. She had seen me like this before. She got me off the ground, and lay me on the bed, holding me tight as I stayed frozen.
"It's okay," her voice said, soothingly, "it's going to be okay." I managed to curl into her, trying to listen to her steady heart aiming to mimic it myself. She brought me closer to her, trying to apply pressure to my body.
After an hour of laying with her, I managed to say a few words.
"I'm sorry," I said to her.
"Don't be sorry," she answered, "no need to be sorry at all."
I then fell asleep. I fell asleep in her arms, just as I had done only a few years prior.
"What happened?" I heard Sam say, a little while later. My eyes were still shut, and both Emily and Sam presumed me to be asleep.
"She had a panic attack," Emily replied to Sam.
"Shit."
"She used to get them from her ptsd, but I'm not sure how this one came about. She couldn't speak. Couldn't move. It was as if her body was frozen in time."
"Fuck."
Another person soon came in. It was Kristie.
"Oh no," Kristie said, "is she okay?"
"No, not really," Emily responded.
"I think I know why," Kristie said.
"Care to share?" Sam asked.
"Jackie messaged her, and it seemed to really worry her. Worry her a lot actually. I'm not sure I was too useful in comforting that."
"Kris, what did you do?"
"Nothing, I swear."
"Will she talk when she wakes up?" Sam asked Emily, "you have more experience in her panic attacks than I do."
"Sometimes she does, and other times she doesn't. It depends."
"This isn't good. We start our campaign tomorrow."
"She'll be okay," Emily said, reassuringly, "she just needs to sleep."
Sam and Kristie soon left, and I opened my eyes to see Emily watching the Australia game against Vietnam.
"Hey," I said, groggily.
"Hi," she said, letting me sit up, resting my back against the bed frame.
"I'm sorry," I said to her.
"Stop with the sorrys."
"Sorry," I said again, laughing slightly.
"Are you okay?" She asked me and I shook my head slightly. "Well, I have an idea." She got off the bed, and picked up one of the soccer balls that lay on the ground.
We left the room, and headed outside, to the field that we were able to use for training. It was dark outside, but the lights were on so the field was lit up.
"You really know how to make me feel better," I said to her, laughing.
"I know you hate to admit it Bradie, but I do know you. Know you quite well actually," she said, as she passed the ball to me. I stopped the ball with my foot, smiling at her.
"I don't hate to admit it," I replied, shooting the ball towards the net, "I know you do."
Being out on the grass has always made me feel better. It was as if all the fears and worries and past thoughts lifted from my mind when I had a ball at my feet, and grass under my cleats.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily asked.
"We broke up," I said, smacking the ball again into the net. It hit the top left corner, and I was proud of the shot.
"I'm sorry Bradie," Emily said.
"It's okay," I shouted back, running to get the ball, "these things happen I guess." I was distracted by the ball and the adrenaline of the field to actually think about what had just occurred.
"Are you okay?"
"I will be okay," I said, looking at her, with the ball at my foot still, "I will be."
The next day, we had our match against Brazil. It was the first game of our World Cup campaign, and I knew it was going to be important. I couldn't let anything get to my head.
"You going to be okay?" Sam asked me, before we were set to walk out.
"I'll be fine," I replied, "I talked to Em about it."
"I'm here for you, you know that right?" I nodded my head.
"Thank you, Sammy."
Before the match, I bought two tickets. Two front row seats. One for Mom. One for Dad. I knew that if they were still here, still living and breathing on this earth, that they would have wanted to be here. They would have been here. Those seats were for them. For my parents. For my whys.
The game against Brazil was tough. Being in the group of death always is. Brazil had star players, and they were not going to let us win easily. I had a few chances, but none that were easy. None that would have been guaranteed goals.
But when a corner from Mal landed on my head, and glided into the back of the net, we were up. I had my first goal of the tournament. As a striker, it is always relieving when that happens. It takes some of the pressure off for the rest of the tournament. For the rest of the month.
I saw Emily cheering on the side, and I smiled at her, knowing that she still cared so deeply about me. Still had some inch of love left inside of her. Maybe I did too?
When the second half commenced, Brazil came out firing, and a slip up from Becky in defence, gave Brazil a penalty. Marta converted, and it was soon levelled. I knew this couldn't end in a draw. I wouldn't let it. I had to do something.
We kept pushing in offence, but nothing was happening. Nothing was being created. Kristie soon subbed in, and so did Emily. I was hoping that these changes would spark something. I saw Trinity warming up on the sideline, and although I had a lot of love for that girl, I knew I wanted to stay on. I wanted to get that goal.
Kristie passed a ball over to Sophia on the wing, and as she sent a low cross in, I pushed it past the keeper. In the 79th minute, we were up again. And that goal won us the game.
"Thank fuck," I said to Kristie, as we got together after the final whistle.
"A brace," Kristie laughed, "what else can we expect from our little BVD."
"Some more composure would be nice."
"Don't worry, you already have that."
"Amazing!" Emily said, lifting me up, and spinning me around slightly, "I always knew you could score."
"When doesn't BVD save the day?" Tierna exclaimed.
"Guys stop!" I said laughing, "I only finish what everyone else starts."
"That is true. Sophia's cross was pitch perfect," Emily joked.
"And your corner," Krsitie said, hugging Mal, "was chef's kiss."
I posted three pictures on my instagram that night. First was me celebrating with Mal after the first goal. I was smiling at her, as we hugged. Second was a team huddle photo. And the last was Emily picking me up and spinning me around.
Bradievandyk: first game of world cup starting off w +3 points. Love this team @uswnt
Sammymewyy: my girl with a brace!
Kmewis19: bvd comes to nz and scores two golden ones
Emilysonnett: wow. I look strong.
This post also came with questions, from many confused fans.
Soccergirl13: im confused. Bvd & sonnett?
Preathxjindi: this confuses everything
Brackie4life: does this ruin my username?
Everyone was confused, and to be honest, so was I. But, this life, the life I was living at that present moment, was not something I was going to be scared of. I was going to do what I wanted, and since that infamous phone call, who cares? Who cares what will happen? Because, I most certainly do not.