Chapter 48: Chained
Before I completely passed out, I noticed Kristan holding something in his hand. He was holding that thing tight as if his life depended on it.
A book.
I heard heavy footsteps slowly approaching my location. I have been conscious for, I think, ten minutes now, but I had no strength to open my eyes. I couldn't feel my lower body. It was as if I got paralyzed.
Where am I?
Sa lahat ng kaguluhang nangyayari sa akin, alam kong nakahiga ako ngayon sa kama. Alam ko rin na may pumipigil sa lakas ko kaya nanghihina ako. Is it still because of the poison? No. I would have been completely healed by now if what's affecting my condition was still caused by that bite.
The door creaked open. Narinig ko ang mga marahan niyang yabag palapit sa kama. May nilagay siya sa tabi ko. Sa amoy no'n ay alam kong alak at tinapay.
"Finally. You are awake."
Nung marinig ko ang boses niya ay parang mas lumala ang panghihina ng katawan ko. Kahit na siguro may lakas akong imulat ang mga mata ko ay pipiliin ko na lang pumikit at magkunwaring walang narinig.
"Nathalia..."
What the hell is happening?
I had to figure it out.
Dahan-dahan ay nagawa kong imulat ang mga mata ko. Sa una ay malabo. Habang palinaw nang palinaw ang paningin ko ay nabuo ang isang imahe.
"I'm happy you are back..."
"H-Hestia..." Even my voice sounded lame.
Hestia gently sat on the bed beside me. May pumatak na luha sa kanyang kabilang mata. Marahan ay hinawi niya ang buhok ko habang nakangiting nakatingin sa mukha ko.
"I missed you," she whispered.
I stared at her and tried to figure out what felt wrong. It took me a moment for me to realize what it was. Sa pagkakatanda ko ay maiksi ang buhok niya. Mahaba na ito ngayon.
Mula sa kanyang mukha ay bumaba sa mga binti kong nakabalot ng puting kumot ang aking tingin. Nagkaroon ng lakas ang kamay ko para hawiin ang kumot.
"What the fuck is this?" I hissed and tried to free myself from the chains that tied me to bed. I angrily turned to Hestia after my attempt failed. "I don't know what's happening, but I don't like it."
She swallowed. May inikot siya sa gilid kaya umangat ang taas ng kama kasama ang katawan ko. Nakaupo na ako ngayon ngunit nakasandal pa rin sa kama.
"I know you have a lot of questions," she said as she poured a glass of wine. "I am here to answer all of it. But you need to regain your strength first."
Sinubukan niyang ibigay sa akin ang baso ng alak pero hinawi ko 'yon. Nahulog 'yon sa sahig at nabasag. Sinubukan kong bumangon ngunit hindi tumutugon ang ibaba kong katawan.
Hestia sighed as she picked up the shattered glass pieces from the floor. Napansin kong sa sobrang pagkakahawak niya sa bubog ay dumugo ang kamay niya.
"Why am I chained in bed?" I asked.
"You are asking me why after you acted like this?" aniya sa pagalit na tono. Nilapag niya sa tray ang mga bubog saka nagpunas ng dugo sa tissue.
"Sa tingin mo ay aakto ako nang kalmado gayong nakakadena ang mga paa ko?" Madiin ko siyang tiningnan. "What happened, Hestia?"
"What happened?" she asked me back.
I swallowed. "H-how long have I been unconscious?"
She bit her bottom lip as she responded, "Six months."
My eyes widened after I heard that. Sa sobrang pagkabigla ko ay natulala ako nang ilang segundo. I have been lying in this bed and unconscious for six months now? Kaya ba biglang humaba ang buhok niya? That's because half a year had already passed.
"N-Nathalia... I'm sorry." Tila gripong tumulo ang kanyang mga luha. Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko kaya tumama ang tuhod niya sa ibang bubog na hindi niya nalinis. "I was so scared. Please forgive me."
I teared up not because I was emotional. It was because I still couldn't comprehend what's happening. Pakiramdam ko ay matagal nang gumuho ang mundo ko at ngayon ko pa lang napagtatanto.
"I cannot lose you," she sobbed.
"W-why?" I asked.
"A-alam mo na, hindi ba?"
Umiling ako. "I don't fucking understand what you mean. Just fucking release me so we can talk about this properly. You know how much I fucking hate being held hostage!"
Hestia shook her head. "I cannot do that."
"P-please..."
She rose slowly from her knees. Hinawi niya ang mga bubog na dumikit sa kanyang tuhod. Saka niya tinulak mas palapit sa akin ang side table kung saan nakalapag ang alak at tinapay.
"Hahayaan muna kitang mapag-isa. Please drink while you are at it. I will try to explain—" Umiling siya. "I don't think there's any explanation that will make our situation better. Still. I will come back later."
"Don't leave me here!" I screamed when she began to walk away, but she refused to look back. "Hestia! Release me now! I beg you!"
She didn't listen. Mas bumuhos ang mga luha ko no'ng makalabas na siya at nagsarado ulit ang pinto. Sa sobrang pagkadismaya ko ay kinuha ko ang bote ng alak saka binato sa pader.
"Hestia!" I screamed her name at the top of my lungs. "Release me from these shackles!"
No matter how loud I screamed, she didn't listen to me. Gano'n pa man ay hindi ako tumigil sa pagsigaw sa kanyang pangalan. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilang beses na akong nagmakaawa sa kanya.
I screamed until I got tired. Tila natuyo na rin ang luha sa aking mga mata. Ramdam kong mas lalong bumagsak ang lakas ko. Parang pati katawan ko ay tuyot na.
I leaned back and gazed at the ceiling. Pinakiramdaman ko ang paligid. I heard the waves crashing on the shore outside. We are at the beach.
Hermison Island. We are here. She brought me here.
Where's Kristan?
Tumigilid ang tingin ko sa isang picture frame na nakapatong sa lamesa. Ito ang kuha naming dalawa ni Hestia sa isang photoshoot. We were both smiling. We were both good.
What happened to us?
Why did she do this?
I still don't understand, but it's already hurting me. Paano pa kapag naintindihan ko na ang lahat? Paano ko pakakalmahin ang sakit na dulot ng isang babaeng minsang naging mundo ko?
There's fear in her voice that I haven't felt before. There's also a sense of desperation. Whatever her reason was, she did this due to desperation. What I don't get is, what's the reason?
Kung halos kalahating taon akong nakaratay rito, ibig sabihin ay kalahating taon na rin ang lumipas magmula nung magpakita ako sa mundo.
Umayos ako ng pagkakaupo nung makarinig ng mga yabag. Inasahan kong papasok na si Hestia para pakawalan ako, ngunit nabulabog ako no'ng iba ang pumasok.
Pumasok si Kristan na may dalang pamunas ng sahig. I watched him as he cleaned up the spilled wine on the floor. He didn't even dare to look at me.
"K-Kristan..."
As expected, he was unresponsive.
"Mr. Admiral..." I tried again.
No. I don't think he could hear me.
Nung matapos niyang punasan ang sahig ay aktong aalis na siya. Sinadya kong hinulog ang picture frame namin ni Hestia. Nabasag ang salamin no'n at nagkalat sa sahig ang mga bubog.
Lumapit si Kristan at yumuko para pulutin ang mga bubog. Sa malapitan ay halos hindi ko siya nakilala. Sobrang puti na ng balat niya na parang hindi nasikatan ng araw. Bahagya na ring humaba ang kanyang buhok. Ang mas lalong gumulat sa akin ay nung mapansin ko na buong puti ang kanyang mga mata.
"K-Kristan..." Imbes na tawagin ang pangalan niya para magpatulong na makalaya, nabanggit ko ang pangalan niya sa malungkot na tono.
Matapos niyang linisin ang mga bubog ay tumayo na rin siya. Nilapag niya sa lamesa ang picture saka na rin lumabas ng kwarto. Ni hindi ko na nagawang makapagsalita pa.
I'm sure that Hestia is behind this.
Sinubukan kong igalaw ang mga binti ko pero bigo pa rin ako. As long as I am tied with chains, I am paralyzed. Hindi ko alam kung paano makakawala kung walang kusang magpapakawala sa akin.
I am hopeless for now.
I couldn't believe I would wake up one day only to find out that I was tied with chains. It enraged the shit out of me. What aggravated me even more was that it was done by someone who knew how much I despise being chained.
I need to release myself. Hindi ako palalayain ni Hestia at hindi rin ako matutulungan ni Kristan. Tanging sarili ko lang ang makakatulong sa akin sa mga sandaling ito.
Kailangan kong maibalik ang lakas ko.
After a few minutes, Kristan came back in my room. May dala siyang pagkain at alak. Nilapag niya 'yon sa gilid ko. Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang pagmasdan siya.
I didn't talk to him because I knew that was futile. I just silently observed him. He was conscious but also unconscious, like a puppet being controlled.
Hestia is still behind this.
Nung matapos siya ay agad din siyang lumabas.
Kumuha ako ng tinapay at kumain. Nagsalin din ako ng alak sa baso. Wala akong ganang kumain, pero pinilit ko ang sarili. Naubos ko ang isang bote ng alak. Saktong dumating si Hestia.
A smile formed on her lips when she saw me drinking. It was a relief. She stood and maintained the distance between us. As if she knew that sitting beside was not the wisest thing to do.
"Bumabalik na sa dating kulay ang mga labi mo," aniya habang nakangiti pa rin. "You are recovering fast, Nathalia. I am happy for you."
Hindi ako kumibo. Sumandal ako sa kama saka pinikit ang aking mga mata. Ramdam ko pa rin na nakatingin siya sa akin.
"Nasasaktan din naman ako na kailangang humantong tayo sa ganito." Nanginig ang boses niya na para maiiyak na naman. "Sana ay mapatawad mo ako."
"Get out of here, Hestia. Your voice disgusts me."
My eyes were shut, but I knew that those words hurt her just like what I intended to. Nasaktan din naman ako sa sinabi ko. Pero ang sakit at pagkabigo na namumuo sa dibdib ko ay nagiging pagkamuhi.
"You don't know how happy I am that you are here, Nathalia. I don't care if you hate me now. As long as I am with you, I don't care about anything else."
"Selfish bitch..." I muttered.
"You approved this, Nath."
That's when I finally opened my eyes. If my stare could kill, she would be decapitated by now. Shit. That thought backfired and hurt me as well.
"Approved what?" I arched a brow. "To be chained? Are you fucking out of your mind, Hestia?"
"No." Umiling siya. "Peace after the chaos. Hindi ba gusto mo rin ito?"
I laughed mockingly. "Do you think being tied up is the peace that I want? Fuck you!"
"I'm sorry—"
"Fuck you, Hestia!" I teared up in so much wrath. "I don't understand. I still don't fucking understand a thing, but the moment I free myself, you will realize how much you fucked up."
She smiled. "That's why I have no plan of releasing you."
"Siguraduhin mo lang..." ngumisi ako.
She sat on the rocking chair and slowly moved it. I suddenly imagined her sitting there and watching me suffer in bed for half a year.
"Why are you doing this?" lumambot ang tinig ko, baka sakaling makuha ko siya. "We should be enjoying the freedom together, Hestia. I don't see any reason for you to do this."
Hininto niya sa pag-ugoy ang upuan. Saka siya tumingin sa labas ng bintana kung saan pumapasok ang malakas na ihip ng hangin.
"Naalala mo ba nung sinabi ko sa 'yo na mas magiging malakas at matapang ako sa susunod na yugto ng buhay natin, Nathalia?" aniya habang nakatingin pa rin sa labas ng bintana.
I just stared at her. Wala siyang hawak na susi. She must have kept it away.
"I am brave now..." That's when she turned to me. There was a sense of enlightenment on her face. As if she has been looking forward to this day all her life. "I am finally brave to get you."
"T-to get me?"
"I have been doing this all my life." Tumayo siya mula sa rocking chair saka lumipat sa paanan ko. Mahinang hinaplos niya 'yon ngunit hindi ko man lang naramdaman. "Fighting for you without you knowing."
I shook my head. "We have been fighting for each other, Hestia. Sa tingin mo ba ay aabot tayo nang ganito katagal kung ikaw lang ang lumaban?"
"You don't get it, do you?"
"I get it—"
"I have always told you that Terrence was not the kind of man you think he was. Hindi mo ako pinakinggan," madiin niyang sinabi. "Yes. He loved you. He loved you too much that it became an obsession."
She was right about that. Hestia had already warned me about him, but I paid her no attention. Who would have thought anyway? I didn't expect it would lead to that.
"But you seemed okay with it." Lumungkot ang boses niya. "Alam mong siya ang pumatay kay Teacher Rona, pero parang wala lang sa 'yo. Hindi mo rin nga ako pinakinggan."
"I-I didn't know—"
"I fucking told you, Nathalia!" napasigaw siya sa pagkadismaya na nakita rin sa pagpatak ng kanyang mga luha. "Sinabi kong siya ang pumatay kay Teacher Rona kasi pinagbawalan niyang kitain ka ni Terrence. You didn't believe me. You chose to believe in him instead."
She closed her eyes for a brief moment. Halata ang pagkabigo sa kanyang mukha na hindi ko maipagkakailang kagagawan ko. I made her like this.
Natutop ako sa kinauupuan. I didn't believe her because I was too naïve and dumb even to consider that. Perhaps I suffered because of my own fault, too. I let him. I believed in him.
"Naniwala ka na lang no'ng nagawa na rin niyang patayin si Bella," aniya na tinutukoy ay ang isa rin sa mga kaibigan namin no'n. "Terrence killed our best friend, Bella, after she tried to report Teacher Rona's death to Lord Severo. Doon ka pa lang naniwala."
Hindi ko namalayan na umiiyak na rin pala ako. Alam ko naman na ako ang may pakana ng lahat, pero ang marinig ang katotohanan sa mismong kaibigan mo ay masakit pa rin. Alam kong hindi naman niya ako sinisisi. Naging bulag lang ako.
"H-he tried to kill me, too, Nath..." she sobbed. "Pero nagawa ko na siyang isumbong kay Master Brixton. He killed Terrence before he even got me."
"W-why are you saying this?" I shook my head and wiped my tears. "Alam kong kasalanan ko ang lahat. Aminado naman ako. Pero... bakit kailangan mong hungkatin?"
"For you to realize that the fear in me was because of you. I became like this because of you. There's always a fear that, that it will happen again. Na mas paniniwalaan mo ang iba kaysa sa akin. Muntik na namang mangyari..."
"I-I'm sorry, Hestia. Please release me now."
"Wala dapat akong pakialam, hindi ba?" Suminghap siya. "No'ng mas pinili mo siyang paniwalaan kaysa sa akin, dapat ay matagal na akong umalis. Sobrang sakit kaya no'n. But you see? I am still here."
"I will always be grateful for that." I gulped the lump in my throat. "I will try to be better, Hestia. I promise."
Natulala siya sa akin nang ilang segundo bago natawa. Madiin na hinawi niya ang mga luha sa pisngi.
"Sa tingin ko ay hindi mo pa rin nakukuha ang gusto kong ipunto. Walang kaibigan ang mananatili pa rin sa tabi mo kahit na ipagtabuyan mo na ito! That's the reality, Nathalia!"
My lips quivered. I kind of understand her point, but not entirely. Probably it was against my will to get it.
"Do you think I would risk my life like that for you?" she asked in between heavy sobs. "But I did it. You know why?"
"H-Hestia..."
"Inasar mo pa ako na may gusto ako kay Erikson dahil inaway ko ang girlfriend niya," natatawa niyang saad. "Pinalabas mo pang kay Albina ka may gusto. Alam ko naman na si Melanie ang gusto mo..."
My tears froze as everything began to make sense. I suddenly wished that my thoughts would freeze as well because I didn't want to know how this was going to end.
"D-do you understand me now, Nath?"
Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumitig kay Hestia.
Lumapit siya sa akin saka hinawakan ang aking mga kamay. Nilapit niya 'yon sa kanyang labi saka mahinang hinagkan. Humagulgol siya saka yumuko sa hita ko habang hawak pa rin ang kamay ko.
"G-gaano na katagal?" tanong ko.
Umangat ang ulo niya. Punong-puno ng luha ang kanyang mukha.
Marahan siyang tumango. "Since the beginning..."
Natulala ako.
"I like you, Nath. But if I stayed with you despite everything, I don't think I just like you..." She looked me in the eyes. "I think I like you too much."
My tears began to resurface around my eyes.
"I'm sorry..." she whispered.
I sobbed.
"Nathalia..." Sinubukan niyang hawakan ang pisngi ko pero umiwas ako. Nakita ko ang kabiguan ang pait sa kanyang mga mata.
"Gusto ko munang mapag-isa..." bulong ko habang nakatingin sa ibang direksyon. "Please."
She nodded. "Sure."
Pagkaalis niya ay doon bumuhos ang mga luha ko.
Shit.
I didn't know that. Neither did I consider it.
Kung gano'n na katagal na niyang nararamdaman ito, malamang na dapat ay nakaramdam na rin ako kahit papaano. Siguro ay naghinala na rin ako, pero ayokong hikayatin ang ideya na 'yon.
It was really her.
There's in no way Terrence would know that I once had a feeling for another woman. It happened long before I met him. Only Hestia and I knew about that.
Terrence Andreus Maniago didn't return in the body of Dylan Carter. That's why it baffled me how he could still recognize me despite his heart being torn apart. He could still remember me, not because his memories had been restored. He remembered me because those memories were not his. Those were Hestia's memories.
Hestia manipulated me into thinking Terrence really came back for me. She made him up using her memories. I have no idea why she did that. Why would she bring my nightmare back? What was she up to?
But to think that Hestia openly admitted that she did desperate things just for me, I wouldn't be surprised if she was also the reason why every time someone would try to approach me, something tragic would happen.
Just like what happened to our life as insurgents. No'ng napapalagay na ang loob ko kay Ellie, doon ito biglang nagbago. Did Hestia manipulate Ellie's mind into thinking I could save her from being insurgent? Si Hestia ba ang nagsiwalat ng totoo kong pagkakakilanlan sa kanya? Is that what she meant when she admitted that she did desperate things just to stay with me?
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa dami ng iniisip ko.
I've been lying in this bed for half a year now, but it felt like everything happened just yesterday. I am still exhausted. My memories of yesterday are still fresh in my mind.
That's the last time Hestia visited me in my room. Dalawang araw na ang lumipas simula nung huli kaming mag-usap. I'm still chained in bed. Si Kristan ang laging dumadalaw sa akin. Gano'n pa man ay hindi ko pa siya narinig na nagsalita.
On the third day, Kristan came in my room again. May dala na naman siyang pagkain saka alak gaya ng madalas.
"Where's Hestia?" I dared to ask.
Hindi siya sumagot.
The frustration ate me up. Kinuha ko ang bote ng alak mula sa kanyang kamay saka hinawakan nang mahigpit hanggang sa nabasag ito sa kamay ko.
Naramdaman kong lumabas ng palad ko ang dugo.
"How dare you forget about me?" I asked, furious.
Kristan stood still. But I caught a glimpse of emotion in his eyes the moment he smelled my blood. Napatingin siya sa akin na tila nakilala ako.
"What's happening here?" Hestia pulled Kristan away from me. "Umalis ka na Kristan. Ako na ang bahala rito."
Hanggang sa paglabas ni Kristan ay nakasunod lang ako ng tingin sa kanya.
He recognized me by the smell of my blood.