In the eighteen star-circles I have lived so far, I have learned that there are moments that change the way we are and view life forever. That is rather common knowledge but I didn't acknowledge it till I felt it in my bones.
My life had been quite linear till my father died. I thought it to be sad, lonely, and unjust but that morning when I woke up with the throbbing pain at the back of my neck I understood that, even if imperfect, the life I used to have had been quite privileged. There are different degrees of freedom, I think, and that muffled pain had just stripped me of yet another one, but that I was going to understand only later.
After I lost consciousness during the ceremony of the white stone I was quite convinced my life ended but that throbbing pain made me wake and convinced me it wasn't over yet. Whatever torment my life was bound to be from that moment on, it was only beginning.
"You didn't die," said a somehow familiar voice.
"Is that a question?" I muttered and tried to tilt my head toward the one that talked. It was dark in the room but Mairi was awake, staring at me from her bed.
"Why are you awake?"
"I wanted to see if you would die. I wagered three silver coins you would," she said unapologetically.
"You are awful," I answered resentfully.
"Maybe, but who cares. Life is hard."
"I do. Did..." My throat was dry and every time I tried to swallow it hurt so much, tears gathered in my eyes. "... someone bet that I would survive?"
That damn moment seemed too similar to the night before.
"Only Salma, as if her prissy ass isn't lucky enough already. Why didn't you do what I told you, stupid!?"
"It hurt... anyway and I thought you lied to trick me."
"Now you know better than to question my words ever again, weed."
"What?"
Mairi stood up and brought a water cup to my lips. That time I drank without question.
"Weed. That's what you are called now."
"By whom?"
"Us."
"Why? It sounds ugly."
"Because you just wouldn't die, like a weed. The White Grace said your heart stopped for a bit and they thought you were dead but then it started beating again."
"They probably didn't check well," I answered, knowing that it was really hard, even for magic healers, to restart a heart that had stopped.
I started feeling better bit by bit.
"When will this thing stop hurting?" I asked, bringing my hand to the back of my neck."
"In a few weeks," answered Mairi nonchalantly. "It depends on the person. Not sure what the rule is, but I was in pain for weeks and so was Chioma. Salma was fine in days and the others didn't tell me."
"I am afraid," I confess not sure why, knowing that Mairi would probably only have a snarky remark at hand and make fun of me.
"Of what?" she asked instead and I was a bit surprised.
"Of the future. Of what will become of me."
"Nothing memorable, I'd wager, but you seem to be blue-blooded since you are in the wife classes. All our destinies are bound to be similar. At some point, after we come of age, we will be bought off by a rich enough family to benefit from this service but not noble or rich enough to get an actual magic-bearing girl, and forced to breed. If you are lucky and produce a magic-bearing child you're good, if not, it's likely to be worse. And I am not saying the baby-making part will be great. Most men that get a wife or concubine like this have at least one big issue. They are likely ugly, fat, sick in some way, cruel or crazy."
Mairi was most certainly the most cynical person I had met till that young age.
I couldn't hold back tears even if I knew I would be mocked for them once again.
"Don't cry," she said and sat down on the floor near the bed wiping them away. I was surprised. "It is just a bad hand we all share. Sucks to be the second sex."
"Second what?"
"Yes. The Grand God of Everything made the males first and then he made females from the bones in their back to serve them as shields and vessels."
Quizm were monotheistic, they believed in The Grand God of Everything and that was in short the story of their creation. My people, the manab, have several gods they pray to. But our chants, prayers, and priests also say that the females should be the neck that holds the male head, their support, help, and so on; mainly a secondary role in everything there is. And all that because females are naturally not so physically strong.
Magic had equilibrated the balance of power, because unlike everything else, magic was neutral in this regard and powerful sorcerers were male and female alike, hence why we have gods and goddesses that shared the Throne of Daylight. But when the magic started to fade from our world it was easiest to blame for it the ones that bear the children.
I just sighed not being sure if I should voice my opinion. I have been told by Hara, my wet nurse, that my father hoped that I would be born female because like that I could be the consort of Prince Dair. That of course if I would have bared magic. He was one of the few people in the world that could sense the presence of magic in the blood of a person before it blooms around the age of six. He knew right away that I was empty. He knew right away that I wasn't what he expected me to be.
If I would have been male, I probably would have been enrolled to be in the royal guard of the emperor. At least like that, I would have learned to fight and I could hurt back everyone that would hurt me.
Several years later I would learn that being a soldier wasn't that much different from being a wife with a controlling stone on the back of your neck.
"I think everything is crap," said Mairi, which made me raise an eyebrow. "I don't think gods said anything like this. Maybe The Grand God of Everything is female or both or none and doesn't care about this at all. Nobody really met him as far as I know."
I was so surprised at the blasphemy that came out of her mouth that I just kept staring.
"What? I prayed a lot after my family died and I was brought here. I prayed every prayer I knew for a whole star-circle but nobody listened. So I suppose he doesn't like me, doesn't care, or doesn't exist."
It felt like she was voicing my thoughts, the deep ones that I wasn't brave enough to face or grasp. It was encouraging and unsettling alike.
"Your family died?" I just managed to ask.
"Yes. We were low born quizm and we had to steal for a living. We were really good at it though; never failed at a job until we did. The royal guard caught us. They killed my father and sisters on the spot but they spared me and brought me here."
It made me remember Imelda's screams. Seeing all that must have been a thousand times worse.
"That sounds awful. I am really sorry. How comes that they spared you?"
"I was the youngest, only ten, and they saw me set the barn on fire."
"Why is that a good thing?"
"You are not as dumb as you look, Weed." She came closer until her lips were really close to my ear and her right hand went under the blanket. "I will tell you a secret. If you tell anyone though, I will kill you," she whispered really low. Then she lifted the blanket a bit so I could see how a tiny fire bloomed in her palm and went off right after.
"You are magic!" I whispered in awe. "Why are you here then?"
"Because I am a poor orphan and my magic is weak. What you saw is all there is. But you don't need magic to kill someone, a blade used well does the trick just as well. Now sleep. Tomorrow will be just as crappy."
What Mairi showed me didn't let me rest. My young brain couldn't help but envy her. She was also right about the next day when right after the breakfast consisting of a thin porridge me and Salma went to have dancing classes, while the other three were learning spear combat.
My sleep-deprived brain didn't let me function properly, and neither did the throbbing pain that kept irradiating from the stone. The dance we learned was a familiar one, so even if unable to focus properly I managed to not embarrass myself.
At the end of the class, Salma came over accompanied by another girl. I had seen her before at breakfast; she was also a ghazal, just that her hair was a myriad of shades of brown just like her eyes and she was older than us. She was also pretty and had the natural grace of their kind but not as pretty as Salma.
"Hello, Zaretha. It's good that you are well. This is my friend Amal," she said.
"It is good to meet you, Amal. Did you also lose money betting that I would die?" I wasn't sure what came over me. "At least Salma betted that I would survive."
They both blushed.
"It's alright. Seemingly everyone is playing cruel games here."
"Apologies..." whispered Salma. I finally thought that it wouldn't be good to make enemies out of everyone. In the end, I smiled a not-so-genuine smile and walked away.
We continued walking together to our next class which was about the different people and geography of the continent.
At home, I always liked to read about places on the continent and fantasize about visiting them. I stared at the map in the book and smiled tracing with my finger the outlines of the realm, recalling the tales.
Quomared occupies the biggest surface of the continent and is located in the south and center. It contains luxuriant jungle ecosystems and dry deserts, the White Desert to the east and the Red Desert in the center bordering with the rocky slopes of The Gray Mountains that were harboring the realm of the mountain people, called Hark'alsu.
To the northwest lays the Independent Realm of Tajir, an alliance of city-states where different people like quizm, midrib, muskhs, quitas, and many others live together in relative harmony.
To the northeast was the Grand Plain of Almeiz, which was occupied by the realm of Alemeida, home to mostly ghazal, almaez and some other minorities, a vassal state of Quomared. Even if connected by land with Quomared, to reach it, the people of Almeida had to cross The Pass of Bloodshed, which was very dangerous, so many preferred to come by sea.
The name was not a coincidence; it was narrow and dangerous and in the big battle that ended the War of Scales, it was told it had been literally drenched in blood raining from above.
The waters surrounding the continent are plagued by strong storms that come out of nowhere. Every time sailors ventured into the sea for a long journey they never made it past the Cape of Alm to the East or the Iles or Milth to the South and to the North are the mountains where none of our people can venture and survive because of the savage mountain clans. There were legends from the time of the Tannee about other continents but nobody had ever seen them. The Tannee were flying on their Yins and could cross the sea like this, but the last dragon dies a long time ago and so did the actual knowledge of other faraway lands.
"Zaretha which is the capital city of the Independent Realm of Tajir?" said the white-dressed woman that was in charge of the lesson. She was already prepared to strike me for not paying attention and not knowing the answer. So were also all the watchers.
"Each of the four city-states that form the alliance has its own capital and the honor of hosting the government gathering changes every four years."
"That is correct. But next time if I catch you not paying attention you will get a beating."
"You get here a beating even for breathing..." I whispered under my breath and Salma gave me a half smile.
The lessons ended around the time the great star set.
That evening we were allowed to bathe. All the girls were gathered in the bathing quarters of the monastery. Back home I used to have my own bath chamber and privacy so I was again not used to the ambiance.
In that crowded space, I struggled to take off my tunica. The other girls seemed to not care whatsoever and paraded there in all their naked glory under my blushing gaze.
"Weed, we don't have the whole day. If you don't hurry there will not be any warm water left," said Mairi taking nochalantly her tunica off, throwing it at me, and walking with Chioma past me.
The two seemed to be friends, or Mairi seemed to hate her less than anyone else. I wasn't sure what I felt in that regard.
In the end, I sighed and took my clothes off to step under the water stream. It felt good to finally wash the sweat and dust off. I didn't wash since the funeral. That had been a long time in any books.
Feeling slightly better I moved my gaze over the room and noticed how the girl to my left was staring at me. It was the black-haired human girl called Itotia.
"Why are you...? " but my voice was cut off when I saw the blood trickling down my thighs.
I couldn't hold back a scream and pressed myself crying frightened against a wall.
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