My mind is in official lockdown, my thoughts are in a prison back in my mind. I can't feel a thing anymore, just numbness. My hands shake when I write down in my journal and I keep thinking about when Taehyun saw my phone. I cannot believe he saw it. I feel like yeeting myself outside the window- too bad it's barred. I try to eat but it's hard, I just don't have motivation.
"You've been improving, Kamal,"
"That's good, right?" I know its what they want me to say, they want me to be happy and wanting to get better. I sort of wish I could get better and be fully healed..but I'm stuck in a large hole and no one's really helping me. It's been two weeks since I had a PTSD attack with my younger sister. My manager had covered his backside with a stupid story when I told the doctor about when I saw Hiyyih turn into him.
'It was just anxiety and stress, that's all.'
"What would you like to talk about today?" I shrug, this time just wanting to be alone and ponder on my lame thoughts. "Are you excited to see your members today?" Of course I am excited! You forced me to only see Taehyun and then when I had the 'episode', they came in but you WOULDN'T LET ME SEE THEM afterwards. I don't say those words, I keep it to my volcano inside of me and reply with a simple sentence.
"Yeah, I can't wait," I try to say enthusiastically. He sighs and pats my arm to get my attention.
"Kamal.. I know you wanted to see them but you know why you could see them."
"We didn't want to risk another breakdown," I reply what they've drilled into my brain the last two weeks. "It's too early to ruin my mental stability."
If only they knew how bad my stability is right now. I wish they knew I wasn't crazy, I just had a mental health problem, that's all. In fact, I think it's worse than when I tried to jump off the bridge. I can't feel anything, and I think that's a bad thing..?
"Anyways, I would like you to tell me how you feel about seeing your hyungs,"
"I feel happy about it,"
"Go on," He urges but I don't really wanna say anything. I just want to see them and not talk about them. JUST LET ME SEE THEM. I stifle a yawn and twiddle my thumbs.
"I miss them," I look up at the framed photo of me and my hyungs. It was a very old picture but it brought a lot of happy memories of our debut.
"Kai, I think you're ready to see them," I shrug, knowing i can't do anything. He gets to his feet, walks to the door and opens it to reveal my four hyungs. They see me differently, I can tell. The bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. I've lied so much to just see them for once.
"Hi, hyungs," I give them a little wave, wiping my palms on my sweatpants. I stand to my feet awkwardly hoping they would accept me with open arms. Maybe they will hate me like my suspicions and dark side tell me. Maybe they will still love me. I hope for the latter. Beomgyu and Taehyun walk to me first and give me a big hug- not even asking. For a second I stand there, feeling quite lost because I haven't had a real hug in ages. All because of that stupid doctor.
I hug them back and then Yeonjun and Soobin walk over, tears brimming in their eyes.
"Um, can we join?"
"Of course, string bean hyung," I reply awkwardly hoping to get rid of the aching tension. It helps some and we all hug together. A big group hug. It hurts to think how long ago I had a hug like this and not for a photoshoot.
"We're going to monitor you from a camera to make sure everything goes well," The doctor says before leaving. My annoyance flares because he's monitoring everything I do. To make sure I'm behaving well and all that crap. I can't even be sorta alone with my family members.
"How are you holding up, jagi?" Yeonjun asks, as they all sit down around the sturdy coffee table that was completely glued to the floor. It was completely safe from anything happening. I shrug.
"It's an asylum, hyung," Telling him the truth was not on my agenda. I was not going to tell him that my manager still got to visit me and annoy the heck out of me.
"Oh, um, I'm sorry we couldn't visit-" Soobin says trying not to choke on his words.
"It's okay, hyung," I give him a sad expression. "It's not your fault."
"Manager said you weren't feeling up to it," Beomgyu chims in. "I really wanted to give you a letter, did you get it?" I shake my head, feeling lower than before. He had sent me a letter and my amazing doctor didn't give it to me?? Well-
"Your doctor told us not to talk to you about anything that would set back your progress," Yeonjun mumbles quietly. "I want to talk to you though."
"I really don't care about that, Junnie hyung. You can talk to me about anything. I don't care." I reply, leaning back in my own chair. I lift my gaze to glare at the camera blinking in the corner of the room. I hate that camera.
"So what have you been up to lately?" I ask, breaking my gaze from the evil camera. They all look at me like my head was chopped off. They think that I can't act normal? I've always acted pretty normal and still wanted to yeet myself. Soobin swallows hard and looks at the older next to him who brushes his hand through his hair.
"Um.. producing music.." Beomgyu speaks instead of them.
"Why are you guys acting so awkward?" I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief. Taehyun narrows his eyes at me before speaking. I feel a little confined because of the stare but I breathe in a couple of times so I can calm down.
"You almost died in my arms, Hyuka, we're trying to not trigger you." That's sweet but also not sweet y'know?
"I'm not glass, Tae hyung." I reply trying my best not sound rude or mean. "I just want to be normal."
"You do?" Beomgyu asks, smiling a little. "Maybe you can come home again and we'll play video games and-" Yeonjun pats his knee to let him know to stop rambling.
"I miss Gyu's rambling," I defend, giving Gyu my own genuine smile. "I've missed all of you guys."
"Aw, you're being so cute," Yeonjun coos, patting my thigh, making me feel antsy. I freeze, suddenly remembering someone I didn't like touching my thigh. "Maknae? What's wrong?" I didn't realize I had been holding in my breath for over five seconds, my hand squeezing Yeonjun's extremely hard. I let out a long breath and shake my head a little. "Sweetheart?"
"Uh, hyung, I think I'm fine,"
"Are you sure? When I touched your thigh you froze.." Again a phantom touch came over me and I felt shivers.
"Hyung? He's frozen again," Beomgyu states worriedly, getting to his feet. "He got triggered by you touching his thigh.. why would he act like that?" He tilts his head to the side trying to figure it out while our two oldest hyungs look at each other. I sit there, still frozen in a dream-like trance. I can hear them but I can't really do anything.
"Um.. Hyuka, darling, can you look at me please?" Soobin asks. I look at him with only my eyes. "What's wrong baby?"
"I- I don't k-k-know... I just feel.. dirty," I shake my head in disgust as if I was trying to shake off something. "I don't want to feel this way, hyung." Soobin swallows extremely hard and holds my other hand comfortingly.
What's going on with me? I don't understand this anymore.. He can see my fear and confusion in my eyes so he wraps an arm around my shoulders, and I lean into my hyung feeling a little bit safer. Yeonjun slowly lets go of my hand but I grab his wrist, making him stop.
"Don't leave me." He nods, a lone tear leaking from his eye. It shatters my heart a little but I push the feeling away.
"Don't worry, aegi, I'm never leaving you again,"
Too bad it's not true, too bad...
--
this story is going to be a little different, this time it's not going to be kai hurting himself mentally/physically (like in tear myself apart), some other characters are gonna be in there.. BUT there will be kai beating himself up mentally and all that mental health stuff.
i wanted to make this clear since its going to be a lot in this story, denial of being suicidal and doing self-harm is actually true. i used to be in denial of it all, i couldn't believe or realize that I, Lilyrose, was suicidal and was doing a form of self-harm. anyways, yeah there goes my longish author's note.
Don't forget to tell me if you liked it <3 Thank you for your support and love.