Narrator POV
After this intimate conversation, sleep was unthinkable. They did lie back on the couch, trying to close their eyes and make the most of the last few hours of the night, but there was no chance of quieting their minds. They both just lay awake, tossing and turning, before deciding to use one of Perrie's tactics and watch the film of the last tour.
When the sun was finally up, telling them that they had survived that horrible night and that morning had dawned, they didn't flinch and quickly got dressed to make their way back to the hospital as soon as possible. They all know that every second with Jade is precious and valuable and should be used. So they think nothing of it when they rumble into the room early in the morning and Leigh looks at them with sleepy eyes.
"Why the hell are you waking us up all the time?" she complains, rubbing her tired eyes, yawning fervently and then glancing at Jade, who is still keeping her eyes tightly shut.
"Someone here was longing," Jesy explains in a whisper.
She quickly grabs a chair and sits on the other side, just barely resisting the temptation to take her hand and instead just stares at her so as not to wake her. Still, it's not long before Jade's eyes flutter open, as if sensing Perrie's presence and aura.
"Morning," she croaks out, smiling sleepily at her. That alone is enough to make Perrie jump up. Emotional as she is, she can't hold on and quickly presses a kiss to Jade's lips, grabbing her face with her hands and disengaging only to look deep into her eyes, soaking in every pore.
"Was the dream that bad?" Jade asks with a tired laugh, to which Perrie replies, albeit half-heartedly. The dream was so real, felt so real, that it's almost unreal for her to see Jade in front of her, to be able to touch her, to be able to kiss her, to be able to look into her eyes, to hear her talk, to see her laugh.
"The worst one yet," she's honest, it's never hard with her.
"Come here," Jade whispers without thinking twice about it and Perrie doesn't need to be asked a second time. She climbs onto the bed, lies down beside her, holds her in her arms and presses herself tightly against her. In an instant she already feels better, calmer, more secure.
"We'd better leave you to it," Jesy whispers then, feeling like she's intruding on a very intimate moment, but Jade shakes her head.
"Wait," she holds them both back, earning two questioning looks. "What time is it?" she asks.
"8 am," Jesy replies.
"Sam's coming over soon," Leigh explains, which prompts more questions, but she quickly follows up with, "We wanted to discuss something with you, but I think we'll just wait for Sam. Then we'll only have to say it once."
"What's it about?" asks Perrie quickly, always far too curious.
"An idea we had," Jade explains, letting it be known from her tone that she won't say anything else until Sam is there too.
But they don't have to wait long.
Stressed and frantic, she comes rushing into the room a few minutes later and seems to breathe a sigh of relief when she sees Jade sitting well and alive in her bed. She greets everyone with a hug before grabbing a chair and joining them, at Jade's bedside.
"So, some explanation please. What exactly am I doing here?" she quickly gets to the point.
At first, however, no one answers her, no one really knows how. Jesy and Perrie have no idea themselves and Leigh-Anne has trouble finding the right words. So, as tired as she still is, Jade takes over.
"I need a stem cell transplantation...as soon as possible," she explains succinctly.
Sam just stares at her for a moment, unable to understand exactly what that means, before a light dawns on her.
"Fuck," she speaks from the heart of everyone.
"You say it," Jade agrees with her. "And we've already gone through our families and registered donors. There's nothing there," she remains surprisingly calm, surprisingly matter-of-fact. Sam, on the other hand, puts her forehead in her hands and can only process the information with great difficulty.
"What...what exactly does that mean?" she almost doesn't dare ask.
But before Jade can open her mouth, Perrie beats her to it, "Please don't say it."
And this time she falls silent, eyeing Perrie sadly instead, before choosing her words more carefully, "Meaning we desperately need a donor who isn't registered yet."
Sam merely nods as Jesy and Perrie breathe a sigh of relief.
"I guess you guys have a plan," Sam huffs hopefully.
"Jade has one," Leigh interjects. "A great one, but hard to organise."
Leigh smiles at her expectantly, but Jade just smiles tiredly back at her and says quietly, "You tell them", whereupon she rests her head on Perrie's shoulder and struggles to keep her eyes open. It seems to be another one of those days.
"So we thought the more people who register, the more likely we are to find a matching donor for Jade and hopefully many more for other patients," Leigh then begins to explain without batting an eyelid.
"Sounds plausible," Sam says thoughtfully.
"Exactly and we thought Jade is one of the more famous patients and she has media attention that we could use."
"So you want to bring it to the attention of fans and followers on social media and at best get them to register," Sam concludes.
"That was my first thought too," Leigh replies. "But Jade has thought a bit further and...bigger...than that," she glances at her again to make sure that's really the plan and that she's really allowed to tell them.
"I'm listening," Sam indirectly prompts her to continue.
"The biggest thing we've come up with is kind of a festival," she then spits out.
"A festival?" repeats Sam in surprise.
"Yeah, exactly. The Jade Thirlwall Defeats Cancer Festival."
"We don't call it that," Jade interjects.
"Little Mix vs. Cancer or something then," Leigh continues to think. "The name hasn't been decided yet," she explains with a laugh, then stands up to walk closer to Sam.
"But we do have lots of famous friends and we do know some singers. If we explain the situation, I think some will want to be there. It's for a good cause, after all. And it's not tour season, so most of them should have time or at least be able to squeeze it in," she doesn't let Sam's sceptical, thoughtful look faze her and just keeps talking blithely, "We're definitely not sending Jade on any stage and we can't get Perrie out of the room here, which means Jesy and I are on our own and we're certainly not making a comeback like that. But we could host the show. And we keep advertising during the show to register as stem cell donors and position such registration stations at the venue."
"Okay...", Sam stops her. "That actually sounds like a good plan, at least a way to draw as much attention to the cause as possible. Only who's going to pay for the whole thing?"
"We will, if need be," Leigh says immediately, as if it were obvious.
"Leigh, do you have any idea how much something like that would cost?", Sam expresses her doubts.
"No, but it can't be that much," she stays naïve. "At least the acts fees will be cheap because I'm sure no one will charge."
"If you say so."
"It's for a good cause after all," Leigh-Anne reminds her.
"I know," Sam replies. "It's a good idea, a great one even. We just need to see if there's any way to organise it. We need a venue, a promoter, some acts to perform, preferably someone to broadcast it globally..."
"And it needs to happen as soon as possible," Jade reminds her and Sam looks confusedly at her until it becomes clear what she means. Until everyone realises what she means.
"I'll do my best," she says sincerely, then shoulders her bag. "Give me a day, I'll start right away." And with that she disappears again, even more stressed and frantic than when she came.
"What do you guys think?" pokes Leigh.
"It's great," Jesy says directly. "If we manage to organise this, no one will talk about anything else."
Only Perrie is surprisingly quiet, which makes Jade lift her head and eye her questioningly. "What do you say, Pez?"
"Sounds good," she says in a heavy voice, very touched by all the thoughts Leigh and Jade seem to have had last night. But mostly by the fact that Jade wants to keep fighting, that she doesn't want to give up, that Leigh did talk some sense into her, that she wants to use her name and celebrity status for some good, that she wants to leave no stone unturned.
All the hope that died last night is now reviving. She knows it's probably the last chance, but they have to make it work.
Satisfied with this new hope, this new optimism, she tries to relax when her eyes fall on a book that wasn't on Jade's bedside table yesterday.
"What is this?" she asks, but before she gives Jade a chance to answer, her curiosity wins out and she already has the book open in her hand.
It takes a moment for Jade to realise what she is holding in her hand and what she begins to read, which is why she is too slow to stop it. But she does not leave it untried.
"Pez," she says, already reaching for the book, but the first page Perrie has opened is enough to make her turn away, to turn the book away so she can continue reading, while her expression darkens more with each word.
"What the hell am I reading here," she mutters, barely able to believe what she is holding and having to swallow even harder as the words decipher as Jade's handwriting.
"What my funeral is supposed to look like," she reads aloud, which also makes Jesy wonder and frown, while Jade looks down at the ground in shame and Leigh closes her eyes wearily. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"Play Diana Ross all the time, Sunday Roast for dinner. You planned your whole fucking funeral?!" she states, stunned.
"Pez, come on, don't do this now," Leigh wants to interject, but she can't calm Perrie down, no one can right now. She stands up abruptly, book still firmly in hand, eyes transfixed on the words as she continues to turn the pages.
"You can't be serious," she almost shouts as she reads through the next page.
"Is this a will?!" she can't believe it, she doesn't want to believe it. She doesn't want to read it, but she can't look away either.
"Thirds of my fortune to my family, cancer research and cancer foundation," she reads on aloud. "Perrie gets the flat, she can do what she wants with it. How gracious of you," she laughs bitterly.
"Perrie, don't," Jesy tries to get to her, but she won't hear any of it. She continues reading and falters as she reads the next page. Her anger was hard to contain before, now she is losing it completely.
"Are you kidding me right now?!" she says, stunned. "Little Mix should continue as a threesome," she reads aloud. "You think we're thinking about the fucking band right now?!"
"Perrie, calm down!", Leigh admonishes her one more time, but Perrie sees red.
"No, you stay out of this. Both of you!" she shouts. "Why the hell are you writing all this?!"
She scrolls on, seeing much more details.
"Jade, there are numbers in there! Some random numbers, bank numbers, passwords, contacts. It's all in there, just fucking everything!" she screams, unable to contain her anger, her disappointment.
"Fucking EVERYTHING!" she screams again, wanting for some reaction from Jade, at least something, but she remains silent, doesn't say a word, doesn't even lift her head.
"Get your fucking face up and talk to me!" she yells, hurling the book across the room with all her might, making everyone cringe in shock, but Perrie doesn't even notice.
"What do you want from me?" Jade asks meekly.
"A fucking explanation!" she screams. "Why? Why are you making such a fucking book? Why are you doing this to me?!"
"I'm doing it for you!" she clarifies.
"Bullshit! I never asked for this!"
"No, you're ignoring it! You don't deal with it and I don't want you to fall into a hole after this..." she argues.
"After what?", Perrie dumbfounds herself.
"After my death, Perrie!"
"Stop saying that!"
"Stop being a child about it!", Jade defends herself now and it takes everything she has. "Stop ignoring it! As of now, I will rather die than live. We have to accept that."
"So you led me on and gave me hope for a second with the bloody festival," she concludes.
"Stop saying shit like that! I didn't lead you on in any way" Jade yells. "The festival is the last chance, if no donor comes out of there, I die. End of story. I want to be prepared and I want it to be as easy as possible for everyone," she declares, barely noticing herself that her breathing is getting harder with every word.
"I'm so stupid," Perrie becomes hysterical. "I'm sitting at home having panic attacks and nightmares about you dying and you're sitting here planning your own fucking funeral."
Jade stares at her, aghast, now having such difficulty breathing that she can't form a word, which everyone notices except Perrie.
"Perrie, back off!" Leigh admonishes her, but Perrie is too enraged.
"You're so selfish, you know that? You think you're doing me a favour by planning all this beforehand? Where do you get such an idea?!"
Jade's breathing quickens and she looks in panic at Jesy, who quickly reads the situation.
"Perrie, I swear to God, shut your mouth."
"I don't know how to live without you and you think no problem, then I give her a fucking guide?!"
"Get her out of here," Jesy says to Leigh, who nods quickly and grabs Perrie by the hand, but she doesn't budge.
"I did everything for you, EVERYTHING! And this is the thanks?! I'm not asking for anything except that we don't keep talking about your eventual death and you write a whole fucking book about it!"
"Perrie, get the hell out of here, NOW!" Leigh yells now.
"Jade, calm down, everything's fine, try to breathe," Jesy makes an effort to get Jade back somehow, but to no avail. Suddenly the monitor next to her bed that shows her heart rhythm goes crazy.
"Fuck", Jesy curses loudly and immediately presses the red button above the bed while Leigh turns all the strength she has against the still angry Perrie to get her out of the room.
"It's not fair! Why are you doing this? Why is this happening?!" she sobs and screams at the same time as she is pushed out by Leigh and doctors sprint past hers into the room she has just left.
"Perrie, shut up, calm down already!", Leigh urges her.
"You were helping her! You helped her do it!"
"Because she asked me to," she clarifies, grabbing Perrie hard by both shoulders and forcing her to look at her. But Perrie can't look at anything, she can't focus on anything, concentrate on anything.
"It's not fair," she just repeats, suddenly starting to sob hysterically, to which Leigh does the only thing she can think of. She hugs her with all the strength she can muster and squeezes her against her. And that's all it takes for Perrie to break down in Leigh's safe arms.
"It's okay, I've got you," she says. "I've got you. You're okay. It's gonna be okay," she keeps whispering, holding a sobbing Perrie tightly in her arms.
"You didn't read it all," Leigh says after a while, with Perrie still hiding her face in her neck.
"I think I've read enough...like forever."
"No," Leigh vehemently disagrees. "There's one last page. You have to read it."
"No, I don't," Perrie remains stubborn, only Leigh doesn't care. She breaks away from her, puts both hands on Perrie's shoulders and looks deep into her eyes.
"Trust me," she says forcefully. "Read it."
Many tears later, Perrie was able to calm down and even though she was still angry with her, she regretted everything she had blurted out. She would have liked to take the words back, let Jade forget everything, start the day anew or simply erase the last 24 hours. She would have been back in the room by now, on her knees begging for forgiveness, but something inside her stops her. Guilt, shame, anger at herself. She doesn't dare go back and face the consequences for her outburst. At the same time, she is so frightened by the fact that she seems to have so little self-control that she fears it is about to happen again. She doesn't want Jade to get any more upset because of her. That the emergency button has to be pressed again, calling for the doctors. She doesn't want to be the cause of any more suffering.
So she waits. The whole day. Jesy came at some point and explained that Jade was fine, but that she had been given sedatives and would sleep for the next few hours. Perrie skilfully ignored the pleas and begging of the other two to go home again to rest and sat transfixed in the waiting area until a nurse, who had almost become a friend by now, told her that she could also sit in the room with Jade and wait. But she remained seated at first, hesitating for a long time, struggling with herself. But when Leigh and Jesy had to leave and she was left alone in her chair, already almost glued to it, she decided to swallow all the hard feelings and go to Jade's room after all. Who knows how many more opportunities she will get?
She was still asleep. With her eyes tightly closed, she looked peaceful, content. It put a smile on Perrie's face, even though it's so bittersweet. The only reason Jade is sleeping peacefully right now, free from pain or bad thoughts, is because of the strong sedative she had to be given just because of Perrie.
She looks around the room and discovers the book still lying in the corner, right where she threw it. She picks it up carefully, runs it through her hands, sees that the cover has been slightly damaged by being thrown against the wall and that some of the pages are crumpled. Otherwise it looks intact. The content, which gave Perrie the rest, appears to be undamaged. She doesn't know whether to be happy about it, to laugh or to cry.
She keeps the book on her lap and thinks about Leigh's words for a long time. She certainly hasn't read it all the way through, but she didn't want to, she realised that after the first page, the first word. But apparently there was a page, the last page, that she should read. Is she strong enough to open the book again? Does she want to read whatever is in it?
She struggles with herself before deciding to show strength and at least try it. But just as she is about to open the book, Jade opens her eyes.
Immediately Perrie slams the half-open book shut and carefully places it on the bedside table.
"Hey," Jade says in a scratchy, still very sleepy voice.
"Hi," Perrie replies, almost dreading what is to come now that Jade is awake and praying that she remains able to control herself.
"I'm sorry about the book," she hears Jade say quickly. "At least that you found it that way."
"I'm sorry for the freak out," Perrie then gushes out. "I honestly don't know what's wrong with me."
"You're hurt," Jade concludes. "Sad, angry at the world. I understand all that, I feel the same way."
"You're so much calmer though. I wish I could be as calm as you," Perrie says.
"You've always been a bit more quick-tempered," Jade reminds her with a thin smile.
"I'm not handling the situation very well, I'm really sorry about that", Perrie is honest.
"No one would ever expect you to," Jade quickly clarifies. "I also wish we could just erase the last day. Believe me, I'm just as pissed off at the world and can't stop wondering why the hell I had to get so sick and why just nothing works. But I don't want to waste what might be the last few weeks I have with being angry."
Perrie looks down at the floor sorrowfully, unable to stop her eyes from glazing over again, as they actually do all the time lately. She can't look at Jade, she doesn't want to hear the words, wants to escape this conversation even though it's so important to have it.
"Perrie, look at me," Jade demands and reluctantly Perrie obeys. "I know you don't want to talk about it, and I know you'd prefer to ignore all of this, but we can't."
"Why not?" she remains defiant.
"Because I need to know that you won't fall apart should the worst happen," Jade explains in a heavy voice and again Perrie avoids her gaze and fails to form any words.
"I don't feel ready to die," Jade confesses. "I have so much left to do, I feel way too young. But I'm not scared anymore."
This, however, makes Perrie wonder. "You're not?" she asks incredulously, as she shits herself at the mere thought.
"No," Jade replies. "I've had time to come to terms with it. I'm pissed off, it sucks, it really does, but I'm not scared of death."
"How can you not be?", Perrie says, astonished.
"Because look at my life. Look at what we achieved. I was able to do what I love for years on end. I've seen the world, been on stages all over the world, inspired and touched people all over the world. I've won awards, we've won best group. Look at this legacy. If I have to go now, I know I haven't wasted my time," she explains, moving herself to tears as Perrie watches her speechless.
"I lived, really lived. And I have loved, Pez," she says in a heavy voice. "I took a bit to come to this conclusion, but no, I'm not afraid of death, not anymore. I'm more afraid of what I'm leaving behind. For you, Pez."
"You don't have to worry about me," Perrie says, not believing a word she says.
"I will either way, you wouldn't feel any different. I know you too well," Jade quickly realises. "I sort of wanted to give you something to do with this book, to give you something to think about, you know...afterwards. That you don't have to worry about, you know, my funeral and stuff like that...You can just follow the book."
"Not a bad idea to be honest," Perrie has to admit then too.
"And I've wanted to write a will ever since I was diagnosed," Jade confesses. "It has nothing to do with giving up the fight or giving up on myself. It's just the logical thing to do."
"That's very mature of you," Perrie agrees, even if it takes everything she has.
"I have a lot of money in my account, it has to go somewhere. You have enough on your own, but I wanted to make sure my family never had to worry about money. That my nieces and nephew have the financial basis for, you know, later. And that parts of my fortune will be used to help more people with the same illness," Jade continues.
"I...I know and it's all really well thought out," Perrie says.
"Everything in this book is important for the...the after," Jade now stutters in great dismay herself. "I just wanted to make it as easy as possible for everyone to deal with it."
"It's not going to be easy for anyone to deal with," Perrie counters sadly.
"I know," Jade also admits. "But it's better that way than having to talk to a hundred lawyers. And, I don't know, hearing that finality yesterday, knowing that there's not much more that can be done should there be no donor...it made me realise that time is running out, you know? I'm getting more tired and weaker every day, I just wanted to back it all up and write it down while I'm still able to."
"That makes sense," Perrie replies quietly. "It just hurt to read it, that's all. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did."
"I'm sorry I cause you so much grief," Jade surprises herself with these honest words.
"You don't ever have to be sorry about that. The only reason I grieve so much is because I love you so much. I don't regret anything, you know that, right?", Perrie says quickly in response, but Jade nods with little conviction. "Being with you was the best decision I ever made. Nothing will ever change that, okay?"
"Grief is the price we pay for love", Jade realises sadly. "Even though the last year has been complete shit...I'm glad you chose me," she confesses in a heavy voice. "I love you, Pez. No matter where or when or what happens. I'll always love you."
"I love you too, so so much," Perrie says and gives her a tender kiss, putting all the emotions she is feeling into it.
"You're tired, aren't you?" she then asks when she notices that Jade's eyes have almost fallen shut.
"It's okay," Jade wants to wave her off.
"No, stop it. You're tired, so sleep. I'm staying here, I'm not going anywhere."
And with those words of assurance, Jade is able to relax a little more after all. She snuggles up to Perrie, who has once again taken her trusted place on the bed, and is fast asleep in a few minutes. Perrie, however, cannot calm her thoughts at all and quickly knows that sleeping will not be an option tonight. She feels terrible that she has given Jade such a hard time for this book, which was actually meant to be a good thought. She wishes she could somehow make it up to her, prove to her that she understands and show her there's no need to worry.
But who is she kidding? She knows herself that there is reason to worry. She knows that in the past, without Jade by her side, she was, literally, completely lost and everyone saw it. She hasn't even been able to show that she can be strong without her, that she can survive without her. She has been so focused on Jade being okay and being there for her that she has forgotten herself. She knows that the reason she so vehemently ignores Jade's possible death is because she can't tell what will happen to herself then. She simply doesn't know. But chances are she will fall into said hole and never get out of it. Even if she has never said it out loud, but the chances are there that at night, after some panic attack, the negative thoughts will come and overtake her and perhaps even persuade her to follow Jade. Only now she realises how much Jade worries about it, how carefree she could be if she knew Perrie would be okay. To know that she would miss her, but that she wouldn't be completely lost.
Perrie keeps running Leigh's words around her head, wondering what special thing it says on the last page, that she should read. Something inside her tells her that it might help her, that it's important to read it, to know what Jade was trying to tell her.
So, after much deliberation, she finally opens the book and turns to the last page to find some answers.
"Dear Perrie, read this when it's over," is the first sentence, already making her gulp. She is about to put the book down again, to listen to Jade's words and not read it until, or if at all, the time comes. But Leigh's words won't let her go: Read it.
And curiosity and the hope that it will help her in some way win out and she continues to read:
Close your eyes, don't try to hide all those tears for me
I know you're sad, this kills you just like this is killing me
But when it will be over then I need you to stay strong
Even if you won't have the strength to simply carry on
Please, stay safe and sound
Don't forget to stick around
Don't follow me to the grave
I want you to be okay
I will love you in the dark
Even if we're gonna be apart
There will always be this between us
Even if life got us defeated
But I know
You'll be okay
Show me your face, your smile, your eyes, let me observe it all
I want you to be my last ever sight, before I leave the world
I need to hear your laugh once more, even if we fight
Cause soon our time is up and I will have to say Goodbye
Please, don't fall apart
I can't take your breaking heart
I need you to be brave
I need you to be okay
I will love you in the dark
Even if we're gonna be apart
There will always be this between us
Even if life got us defeated
But I know
You'll be okay
I'm sorry I have to go, to just leave you behind
Even if it feels so hard now, promise that you'll try
To stay who you are, to not forget to breathe
Cause I want you to live and not just survive
I will love you in the dark
Even if we're gonna be apart
There will always be this between us
Even if life got us defeated
But I know
You'll be okay
And I'm sorry that I have to leave you.