A/n: Hello readers! Inuna ko ang author's note for this chapter because it contains some sensitive content. If you're faint hearted a minor or just not that mature please stop reading. And SPG din pala to. Hehehe
Xoxo
SANDRINE
Maybe it was time that I faced my fear. For the longest time, I was afraid that Gustave might discover my past. Although I somehow knew that he already has an idea. I sat quietly as I took a sip of the wine.
"I was nine years old when I ran away from home." Simula ko.
Habang nag ku-kwento ako ay hindi ko siya magawang tingnan. Binaha ako ng mga alaala noong bata pa ako. Mga alaalang kahit anong gawin ko ay hinding hindi mabubura.
"I was abused by my mom.She starved me, burned my books, barely even let me go to school. She would hit me and laugh at me when I cried."
I laughed in disgust when I remember how bad it was. I was only a child, but my body already suffered much. My skin was black and blue. One time, my eyes got so swollen when she hit me in the face that I couldn't open them for a while. I didn't know then, how to take care of myself. She barely bathed me. I grew up wearing my sister's old clothes. They were so old that I can physically tear them into pieces.
"She was whore. I was a product of an accident. Nagkaron siya ng customer na pranses, hindi siya pinanagutan. It was only a matter of time. I know what she'll make me do what she does."
Tandang tanda ko pa ang hitsura ng sarili kong ina at ng nakatatanda kong kapatid. Sigurado ako na kung makakasalubong ko sila ay matatandaan ko ang mga mukha nila pero ako? Tiyak na hindi nila ako makikilala. Hindi dahil sa mga alahas, mamahaling suot o make-up ko. They simply would not recognize me because I didn't matter to them.
"So one night, when I had the chance... I ran away. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong nagpalaboy-laboy. And then one day, my savior came." I felt my eyes flooding as I looked far away, to the disappearing trees.
Tahimik at payapa sa lupain ng mga Salguero, tanging ang liwanag ng buwan ang nag-sisilbing ilaw namin.
"Mamang is a gay beer club owner. He took me in, fed me, clothed me. He sent me to school and I was able to finish highschool with honors." I smiled as I remember how Mamang was so good to me.
Hindi niya ako kaano ano pero kahit minsan hindi ko naramdamang iba ako sa kanya. Madami akong pag-sisisi sa buhay ko at isa na don ang hinayaan kong mawala siya sa akin.
"But then he got sick. Kidney failure. The beer house wasn't doing well and we barely had enough to cover our expenses and his medication." I glanced at him but he was just looking at the wine glass. He took a sip, put it back and played with the glass while listening to me.
I wish I could read his mind. Or if he could just tell me what he thinks.
"I— I tried, looking for a decent job at fifteen. No one wants to hire me because I'm a minor. So one day, I decided to put slutty clothes that barely cover any of my body and I danced in front of a bunch of dirty old men."
I can still remember it. The dirty looks that I had, the catcalling, money thrown at me and me picking it up like a crazy person. Nilunok ko ang lahat ng iyon para tustusan ang pag gagamot ng taong kinilala kong magulang.
"Mamang realized what I was doing and where all of the money is coming from. Mataas ang pangarap niya sa'kin. He wanted me to finish college and work a corporate job, or an accountant or even a doctor. He got mad, and his health suddenly deteriorated." I chocked on my own saliva. I wiped a tear that fell down on my cheeks.
Nakita ko kung paano humigpit ang hawak niya sa manipis na wine glass. Kitang kita ko ang pag-labas ng mga ugat sa kamay niya at ang pamumuti ng mga daliri niya. Kaunting lakas pa at mababasag niya na iyon.
"I realized that he was doing worse. And that the only thing that would save him is a kidney transplant. Kung pwede ko lang ibigay ang kidney ko, ginawa ko na. Pero hindi kami match. We were at the bottom of the donation list. One day, I visited him at the hospital and I came in and he wasn't breathing, he wasn't moving and when I held him, he was cold." I sobbed and I looked down. I refuse to let him like this. I don't want his pity.
"I'm so sorry..." He said. His voice was husky and it was almost breaking down.
Umiling ako.
"D-don't..." I silently muttered.
Nang hindi siya sumagot ay itinuloy ko ang pag kukwento.
"I met Arnie when I was sixteen, a year after Mamang passed away. I was the one handling the beer house, I was dancing but that's it. I'm not a whore." Paliwanag ko.
"Gustave... I didn't grow up like you. Alam kong alam mo 'yon. I had a rough childhood and I was forced to do those things because that was the only way I know to raise myself."
"You shouldn't blame yourself. None of it was your fault." He said.
"I met a lot of bad men when I was working on that beer house. But Arnie... Arnie saved me."
Unti unting bumilis ang pag-hinga ni Gustave pero nakita ko kung paano niya pigilin ang sarili niya. His hand balled into a fist and his nostrils are flaring with anger. He stopped himself from saying something and I saw his jaw clenched.
"He gave me a scholarship with one of the most prestigious colleges in the Philippines. We weren't having a relationship then, but when I graduated... That's when it started." Mariin akong napapikit.
I knew he already knows everything else that I had to say. But all of those are just assumptions on his part. But now, he is hearing it directly from him. Hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresyon niya. I don't know if he is mad or he is hurt.
"I know it wasn't conventional, but I fell for him. And he fell for me. His daughter Charlotte, is my best friend. She's one of a few people that understood."
I looked up and wiped my tears from my cheek as I sighed. I couldn't stop the sobs. He might think that I am crying for Arnie but I wasn't. I was crying because I know I am hurting him. I don't know if he could look at me the same way after I'm done telling my life story. I can't afford to lose him now. We had something. Something special.
"Did you sleep with him?" He asked without a single care in the world.
Humikbi ako at hindi nakasagot. Hindi ko mapilit ang sarili ko na um-oo kaya tumango nalang ako.
"Tangina." Sambit niya sa hangin.
Gustave knows that I wasn't a virgin when we first had sex. He must be disgusted with me. His wife, had sex with a man twice as her age.
My nights with Arnie are mediocre. He was old, let's not forget. I would usually lie down and he would do his deed. He pleasures me too, but I was young. I was hungry for it. So I would admit, that I was not too satisfied with the sex but it wasn't about it. Arnie and I loved each other. We are companions. I could tell him things about myself that I can't tell anyone. Pinasaya niya ako.
But with Gustave, it was different. No one knows but before we got married, I researched about ways to pleasure a man. Not because he was a playboy, he was not. But because I didn't want to disappoint him. A bachelor like him surely have a lot of experience and I didn't want to disappoint him. Everything I know, I learned for him. Our nights are as passionate as it can get, with the roughness that I was desperately looking for. I loved when he pulls my hair, bites my skin and sometimes, his hand around my neck. I loved the way he would take me carelessly because only him can make me feel the satisfaction that I need that I never felt with Arnie.
"He groomed you." I can hear the bitterness from his voice. I knew how enraged he was but he was stopping himself from blowing up.
"Maybe... But Gustave, when you grew up like me, experienced the things that I did... Sometimes, a little 'nice' is all it takes." Halos pabulong kong sabi habang humihikbi.
Hindi ko na mapigilan ang bugso ng damdamin ko. Humagulgol ako na parang bata sa harap ni Gustave. Ako, na ni minsan ay hindi niya nakitang mahina...
Simula nang ikasal kami, wala akong ibang insekuridad kundi ito. Ang isipin niyang madumi ako, na kahit anong gawin ko ay napulot lang ako sa isang beer house sa Monumento. Kahit gaano pa kamahal ang suot ko, kahit gaano pa kadaming alahas ang mabili ko at kahit gaano pa ka ganda ang make up ko...
Isa lang akong Sandrine Avenida, dancer sa beer house... At kahit kailan ay hinding hindi ako magiging sapat na asawa ng tagapagmana ng Salguero Tropics. Hindi ako karapat dapat sa kanya.
Ayaw kong masaktan, kaya hangga't maaari ay itinutulak ko siya papalayo, pilit na isinasantabi ang mga bagay na ipinaparamdam niya sa akin. Inilagay ko ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko at patuloy na humagulgol. He would never look at me the same way again.
"Look at me." I heard his voice near me.
I looked up and I saw him kneeling in front of me with his face so close to mine. His eyes were glistening, the moon reflecting on it.
"You are my wife. Fuck your past. Fuck all of them." He said and I just broke down more.
His hands gripped the sides of my head and with a little pressure, he forced me to look at him.
"Look at me, Sandrine. Your past does not define you. Forget whatever I said about you in the past. Mali ako. None of it was your fault and that is clear to me now." His eyes were wide, so full of emotions but I couldn't take it. I couldn't look at him.
Niyakap niya ako at nang tumama ang pisngi ko sa balikat niya ay mas lalo pa akong naiyak. Mali din ako sa kanya. This man was not heartless. He wanted to know my story and he heard me. He understood me. Mas lalo pang lumaki ang takot ko na baka isang araw ay itapon niya nalang ako sa bangketa at ma realize niya na wala akong bilang sa kanya.
He didn't talk, he didn't complain about kneeling for a long time. He just hugged me until I calmed down.
"You know... There's only one thing that I ever wanted to do in my life."
"And what is it?" He asked still hugging me and planting little kisses on the top of my head.
"Dancing. I love ballet. The only think that I came so close with my dream was when I was pole dancing in front of those men." Humigpit ang kapit niya sa batok ko.
Humiwala siya sa akin at muli akong tinitigan ng mata sa mata.
"In that case, dance with me..." Paanyaya niya.
"There's no music."
"We don't need music."
He stood up and took my hand. Dinala niya ako sa magarbong kwarto namin, napansin ko ang kurtina na hinahangin gawa ng bukas na pinto ng balcony. He held me so close to his body, my head resting on his shoulders. His left hand on my waist and his right hand holding mine. With no music, we danced.
We danced all of the pain and the worry away. And i had never felt such a strong connection in my life. None of us talked. We just savored the little peace and quiet that we had. It was a Monday night and I know we have to go to work tomorrow but at that moment, I forgot about it. About my past, about how fucked up we are together. Nothing mattered but us, both wine drunk, dancing in the middle of our bedroom with no music.
And then we just stopped.
"I'm sorry I made you cry." Aniya.
I bit my sore lips as I looked at him. We sort of got stuck and the moment and I just realized I was pulling his grey sweatshirt closer so I could kiss him and he obliged.
"Please..." I closed my eyes and muttered.
"Please don't change the way you look at me." I pleaded.
"Nothing that you will ever say will make me change the way I see you. You are my wife. You are a Salguero, the moment you sign that marriage contract. Naiintindihan mo ba?" Tumaas ang mga kilay niya at mataman niya akong tinitigan.
And for a moment, I lost my guard. I chose to be vulnerable around him. I nodded and I just felt his hand on my neck, forcing me to face him. And there was the rush that I was talking about. His kisses greeted me and without warning, his tongue was invading every side of my mouth.
He stopped for a moment and whispered on my lips. His one hand is still on my neck and the other is on my butt, gripping so tight.
"I know he never made you feel the way I do." He said while breathing on his mouth like he was having a hard time breathing. He slowly let out his tongue and licked my lips and when I tried to kiss him, he moved his head away.
"Tell me, did he kiss you like this? Does he know where to touch you to make you go crazy?" He said as his hand travelled to a sensitive part on my thighs.
Malakas akong napaungol, nasasabik sa halik at hawak niya. Pakiramdam ko ay mamatay ako kapag hindi dumikit sa akin ang katawan niya. Gusto kong maramdaman ang init ng balat niya.
Tinanggal niya ang kamay niya sa leeg ko at marahas na hinila ang buhok ko dahilan para mapatingala ako. Naramdaman ko ang hininga niya sa leeg ko kasabay ng pag-takas ng lakas ko. Kung hindi niya ako hawak ay matutumba ako.
I know what he is doing. He's reminding me who owns me. Arnie might be my first but Gustave know the he is my best. He knows my body more than me.
"When all is said and done, no one will ever be good enough for you but me. You will not think of any man other than me. No one will make you feel the same way as me. This, all of this is mine." He whispered on my ear, followed by his tongue and then his lips, sucking on my earlobe.
"Gustave..." I moaned.
"Do you understand?" Bulong niyang nagdulot ng kilabot sa buong katawan ko.
"Ye—yes..." Paungol kong sagot.
Sa isang mabilis na galaw ay pinaikot niya ako. Inipon niya ang mga buhok kong nag-kalat at dinala sa kanang parte ng katawan ko. Mariing nakasandal ang katawan ko sa kanya at ramdam na ramdam ko ang matigas na parte niya. Hinila niya ang tali ng roba ko at nalaglag iyon sa lapag. Wala akong ibang suot kundi ang silk na pan-tulog.
I exhaled as he started kissing my neck, gently sucking on one sensitive part while his hands are roaming around my body. His right hand pressed on my right breast, with my silk nightgown preventing contact. His left hand found the hem of my night gown and he pulled it up so he can caress my thigh.
"I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll forget that there's any other man before me. Do you want me to? Hmm?" He whispered against my skin.
"Yes... Please..." I answered, breathless.
I am dying to feel his hand on myself. I would do everything for him to take me.
"I hope you know..." He said, a hint of danger in his voice.
"W-what?"
"That you're mine." He said with a bite on the skin on my neck that made me go crazy.
"Say it, Sandrine." His hand is now caressing the area around my naked slit. Just the warmth of his hand near it made me drip.
"I'm yours, Gustave. Only yours." I said, almost out of breath.
He got my hair and pushed me down the bed. He was behind me and I was laying on my stomach. My heart was pumping nonstop like I just ran a marathon.
Nilingon ko siya sa likod ko at nakita kong hinubad niya ang grey na sweatshirt niya. Nakatingin siya sa mga mata ko nang utusan niya ako.
"Bend over." He ordered which I gladly obliged.
I bent over like a freaking pornstar. I felt the breeze on my wet slit and I was just dying to feel his mouth on me. I saw him took two fingers on his mouth and sucked it. It was dripping when he took it out. He did all that without breaking our eye contact. He rubbed his finger on my slit and the moment it hit my skin, I could almost come. But it wasn't enough. I felt him put both his fingers inside me and it slid in so swift.
"Ahhh! Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed.
He was hitting the sensitive spot inside of me with his finger and I writhed in pleasure, my cheeks pressed against the soft mattress. I gripped our sheets so hard so I can divert my attention from the overwhelming pleasure that he's giving me. Just when I felt my orgasm coming, he stopped. How does he even know? I stopped myself from complaining and tried calm my breathing.
"Turn around." Utos niya.
I turned around to face him and I looked him from top to bottom. Masyado na akong naiirita sa telang nakabalot sa akin kaya mabilis kong hinubad iyon. Tumambad kay Gustave ang hubad na katawan ko. I know him, he couldn't resist me. Not when I am like this. I saw him lick the side of his lips as he roamed his sight on my body.
Itinukod ko ang mga siko ko sa kama at ibinuka ang mga binti ko. Giving him a full view of my dripping slit. I noticed his dick flick inside of his sweatpants but he didn't give me the reaction I wanted. His face remained plain but his eyes sold him away. He's full of fire inside of him.
Unti-unti kong isinara ang mga binti ko pero bago ko pa man matuloy ang plano ko ay marahas niya ulit na binuka ang mga iyon. I felt my pussy throb when I felt the bed weighed with his body. All of that, he did while looking straight at me.
"I'll eat your pussy so hard, you won't ever remember that old man's touch. Do you want me to do that?" He asked, eyes still over me while kissing my thighs.
Nilunok ko ang malapot na laway na bumabalot sa lalamunan ko at tumango.
"Yes, please." I begged.
The dirty talk just made me more hungry for him, his kiss, his touch, everything. I felt so vulnerable yet in control. He is showing me that he has the power to make me forget but only if I want to and I loved that.
I watched him as he dipped his head in between my thighs. He found my clit and he immediately gave it the attention that it's been begging to get. His tongue flicked through it up and down and when I am almost at may climax he would stop. That made me beg for more and I mean literally beg.
"P-please..."
"Do you want to come, Sandrine?" He asked, moving a little bit away from my slit.
My body felt like it has a mind of its own. I started rubbing myself on the bed, hoping that it would lessen the anticipation of him finally giving me what I want.
"You're going to come on my face. And you will say my name while you're doing so. Do you like that?"
"Yes, please. Make me come, Gustave. Please!" I pleaded, tears flooding my eyes.
I looked down on him and I saw him grin. His lips are glistening with my juices. I could never be more turned on. I was starting to lose my patience so I raise my bottom half just so I could reach his face.
And finally he did. He attacked my clit with his merciless tongue, flicking it up and down. I screamed when he bit at it and when he realized that I liked that, he did it again. I felt his hand snaking through my thigh until he found my sensitive spot and he grasped it.
"Oh! Gustave, I'm coming... I'm coming!" Bulalas ko.
Hindi niya tinantanan ang pag-halik sa akin. I started shaking uncontrollably but he didn't stop. Until I felt so exhausted and I lost count of how many times I came.
My eyes are closed, I was savoring the high of my orgasm when he suddenly pulled my leg closer to him. That's when I saw that he wasn't wearing his sweatpants anymore. He was standing there, brazen. So ready for me.
I flinched when he started rubbing his dick on my slit feeling like so tired that I thought having another orgasm would make me pass out.
Mabilis ang pag-hinga at malakas ang tibok ng dibdib ko. Hindi ko mahulaan kung ano ang susunod niyang gagawin. Mapungay ang mga mata ko siyang sinulyapan na sinuklian niya din. Nalaglag ang panga ko nang naramdaman ko ang ulo ng parte niya na unti-unti niyang ipinapasok sa akin. Napa buntong hininga ako nang tuluyan niyang maibaon sa akin ang kanyang sarili.
He pinned me down with his body and feeling him so close made my lips long for his lips. I want his mouth on mine, his tongue rummaging inside my mouth. So I held on to his hair and pulled his face closer to mine and I kissed him.
I closed my eyes when I did but when I opened them, his eyes are already wide open. He watched me as I writhed in pleasure below him.
"F-faster..." I moaned.
Nakakabaliw ang mabagal na pag-galaw niya. Kahit na iginagalaw ko ang ibabang parte ng katawan ko ay hindi sapat. Gusto kong ibaon niya ang sarili niya sakin ng tuluyan. Ang maging isa kami.
Without warning, he started moving roughly. Every time he thrust, I can feel his tip hitting my cervix. It hurt a little bit but it was overpowered by the pleasure he's giving me. He moved faster, harder... As I hear his groans, the way his manly voice moaned my name. It was enough to bring me to the edge.
He raised his head while looking at me straight in the eye. Marahas niyang pinisil ang mag-kabilang pisngi ko at hinalikan ako sa labi. Nag-sasabay na ang mga ungol namin at hindi na ako mapakali.
"You're mine... You hear me? Mine." He said through gritted teeth.
I held out as long as I can but I can't take it anymore. With one last thrust, we reached our climax at the same time. The thick, warm, liquid coming out of him and spurting inside me just made my orgasm longer. He didn't pull out immediately but all of his roughness earlier are gone. His lips rested on the top of my head as we both try to calm our breaths.
I let out another moan when he pulled out of me and I felt his seed drip out of me when he did. Umalis siya sa ibabaw ko at agad kong nahagip ang braso niya para pigilan siya. I don't want him to leave. Even for just a bit.
"I'm not leaving." Aniya.
"A-anong gagawin mo?" Tanong ko, hingal pa din.
"This."
He moved and in one second he is between my thighs again. My eyes widened because I thought that we are going to do it again and I legit felt like I can't anymore! My slit throbbed when it felt his tip for a second but then I felt him below my hole, he started rubbing his tip in there and the pushing it inside of me but not fully. He wasn't fucking me, he was doing something else.
"There. There. We don't wanna waste my cum now, do we?" He said after he's done.
"What?" I almost laughed.
Ibinagsak niya ang katawan niya sa tabi ko. Nawala ang mapag-larong ngisi niya habang iniipit niya sa tenga ko ang mga ligaw na buhok na nag-kalat sa mukha ko.
"Thank you for telling me." He muttered.
"Can you still look at me the same way?" I asked.
"I would never change the way I look at you. One more thing, I can just fuck you until you forget everything you did with the bastard that came before me." Marahas na aniya.
"He's your grandfather's friend." Paalala ko.
"And I am your husband. I am the one that you're going to spend your life with. And I want that too." Lumambot ng kaunti ang tono niya at hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko.
"Despite how we started? Despite everything?"
"Despite everything. I want us to be real. So let go of him now, Sandrine. I don't like sharing." Umiling siya at nag-salita ng may pagbabanta.