****NOT EDITED
I spend two whole days talking to various therapists and doctors to talk about the inpatient care house. Kendra sat down with me for hours as we went through pictures of it, how it would work and what my options were.
I was released from the hospital hours ago but I couldn't find the courage to go back to the dorms. Every time I tried to leave I pictured my friend's faces, the disappointment on them when they see me. The shame I feel every time they look at me.
And Warner.
It felt like everyone was giving up on me. Like they were sending me away because they couldn't deal with me anymore. I was abandoned by my father before I could walk, I was abandoned by my mom for being a disappointment and now it felt like I was being abandoned by my friends and boyfriend because I was too messed up to stay.
Kendra said it was the best thing for me but what if they all forgot about me? What if I'm sent away and they all realize how much better their lives are without me?
These are the thoughts that plague my mind as I sit on a bench outside the hospital.
I don't realize that the spot next to me has been taken until a hand squeezes my shoulder. A second later an arm is wrapped around me, and I'm squeezed between two friends.
"We thought you were coming home hours ago." Abby scans me head to toe.
"I tried...I just—" my words falter and Sarah gives me a reassuring squeeze. She is not one for comforting others so it meant a lot coming from her.
"It's okay. We are here," Abby puts her hand on top of Sarah's.
"For as long as you need." Sarah nods.
We sit there in silence for a while, both of them holding onto my hand. Neither of them pressures me to get up or talk and it's nice to sit with my friends for a while. It gives me the courage to say what I've been worrying about.
"Am I...Am I too much?" I whisper into the air but I know they both hear me.
"What do you mean?" Abby asks.
"Are you guys trying to send me away because I'm too much? Because you don't want to deal with me anymore? ...Are you mad at me?" I squeak out, unable to look at them.
I hear a small gasp and Sarah's fingers tighten around mine. "Look at me, Juliet." She tells me, her voice stern and when I look at her she lightly holds my chin up.
"You are not too much. You are strong and you are an amazing friend to all of us. We want you to go to inpatient care because we want you to get better. We want you to be able to focus on yourself instead of putting everyone else above you." She releases my chin and Abby continues where she leaves off.
"Nobody is mad at you. We just all want you to get better and if all of the professionals are saying that this is what is best for you then, of course, we are on board. You have been such an amazing friend to all of us but it's time you start helping yourself the way you help us. But to be clear are never getting rid of us! You hear me?" Abby is full-on crying now and even Sarah has a tear falling down her face.
"I Just—I feel like I failed."
Sarah squeezes me tight, "You didn't fail Juliet, there's no shame in needing help. That's what those services are there for. You've suffered immense trauma over the past few months—not just the incident in the parking lot, but your own mother's bullying. It's all so much... so heavy."
"Do you guys really think I can get better there? Away from everyone?" I ask them, feeling a tear run down my own face.
"It'll be hard at first," Abby tells me, "But I know you can do it. We all believe in you." Abby rubs my back, and I spin to face her fully. She looks at me with more concern than I thought possible.
I hold both their hands, "Thank you." Tears build. "I don't know if I can do this without you guys."
"You'll be able to. Not now, but you'll get there." Sarah nods at me, determination in her eyes.
"I'm scared." I inhale a strained breath. "What if I don't get better?"
She squeezes my hand. "You will. You're going to get through this, and we are going to be there every step of the way."
I wipe my cheeks and then wrap my arms around them both, hugging for a long, long time. To tell them thanks, I'm sorry, and I love you.
"We all love you too. But I think there's another person you might need to talk to." Abby gives me a knowing look.
Warner
___
What do I say to him?
I drag my feet as I round the last corner that leads to the dorm building, digging in my pocket for my key. I am too busy staring at the sidewalk that I don't notice that I'm not alone until I am at the edge of the stoop.
And a large pair of white sneakers come into view.
My heart stops in my chest at the sight of them, at the dark gray joggers that cuff at the ankle of legs I could draw blind, I knew them so well now. I clutched my key in my hand as my eyes trailed up those sweats, the Westshore's soccer sweater, and finally to Warner's face.
His miserable, tortured face.
Kind, fractured, heartbroken Warner.
I couldn't speak, couldn't do anything other than watch where his knee bounced, one of his hands playing with the ribbon on his wrist. His nose flared, red eyes taking in the length of me like he is looking for something he couldn't find even with a magnifying glass.
"You're back!" He says to me. "I wasn't sure. I...I called you earlier, a few times actually but I never heard from you, so I wasn't sure when you were coming home."
He wasn't sure if I was coming home.
His eyes are glassy. He's been crying. He seems to think that if he's peppy enough I won't notice.
I watch him set down his coffee. Warner's hands are shaking ever so slightly. His face looks pained as if it's working overtime just to remain even.
It aches to look at him, to know that he's trying so hard to be OK right now, that he's trying to be understanding and patient and secure, when he's anything but.
"How did it go?"
His question surprises me, especially with how slow and achingly it comes from his lips. It is barely a croak like the words burned his esophagus on the way out.
"Honestly?" I ask in a slow breath. "Awful."
I stare at my shoes, at Warner's, at his hands that are still white-knuckled.
After a long moment, I manage a swallow, pulling my gaze to meet his. "Why are you out here?"
He looks at me, Adam's apple bobbing hard in his throat before he dares to push forward.
"I couldn't eat," he starts, knee still bouncing. "Couldn't train, couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything other than make myself sick thinking about whether or not you were okay."
My breath catches at the need, at the pure, desperate possession that rolls off his tongue along with those words.
"I tried to pull my head out of my ass, to remind myself that this is what you need to do, what we both need to do." Warner shakes his head. "But it was useless."
He drops his gaze from mine, staring somewhere at the ground between us, instead.
"I want you to be happy, Juliet," he continues, voice ragged. "Maybe more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. And if I don't do that anymore I will leave. Right now." His gaze snaps to mine. "I will walk away, and I will leave you be."
His words are just a whisper, and emotion wraps its hands around my throat, gripping tightly as I hold onto every word he says.
"Why do you keep trying to leave me?" I ask. My chin wobbles.
Pain slashes across his face. "Jules..."
"Just because I messed up doesn't mean you can leave me. You can't move on without me while I'm gone."
A low growl rumbles from his chest.
Warner rubs my tear away with his thumb, his touch infinitely gentle, but his eyes blaze with intensity. "There's no fucking moving on. Not for me. Not for us."
"You kicked me out of your room days ago." Fresh hurt strangles my lungs. "You walked away from me twice already."
He'd been angry and rightfully so. But the memory of his words...the look in his eyes...
Warner blanches, and the pain on his face sharpens. "I'm sorry..." He pushes a hand through his hair. "I reacted poorly when you told me the truth. More than poorly. I should've just stayed and listened and I'm sorry." His Adam's apple bobs from the force of his swallow.
"Everyone I have ever loved or trusted has lied to me. But you...I've told you things I've never told anyone. Things that hurt to admit even to myself. Did you really think so little of me that you thought I'd judge you for things you were manipulated into doing? That I wouldn't have been on your side and told Dr.Ivey to fuck off? I understand why you were scared to tell me you relapsed right away, but after a whole month...That's what hurt the most. That I considered you worthy of trust but you didn't think the same of me. You lying to me hit harder than I thought it would. I know it took a lot of courage to tell me and I reacted badly. And I..." His voice cracks. "I was an idiot. And I'm sorry. And I love you."
I suck in another shallow inhale. It does nothing to clear my light-headedness. "But you just said you would leave."
He freezes, and his breaths are heavy with regret. "I said I would leave if you wanted me to. Because the last words you said to me were that you hated me. If you still want me, I will never leave you, Jules. There's no letting you go. I would sooner tear my heart out with my own fucking hands." He rubs another tear from my face.
Warner buries his face in my neck. Dampness touches my skin and I realize I'm not the only one crying.
"I'm sorry," he says hoarsely. "For not treating you the way you deserve when you're the only thing I've ever wanted."
A small sob rises in my throat.
"I'm sorry, baby," he grates against my forehead. "I'm so fucking sorry. I shouldn't have left. I should never have left or made you cry. Please forgive me."
I hiccup into his neck and nod: I would forgive him for anything at the moment if he just stayed.
Before I can say anything he continues. "I am sorry, it was wrong of me to get angry at you for protecting yourself. What do you want me to do Jules?" His voice splinters into something jagged and painful. "Do you want me to fucking beg? Say the word, and I'll be on my knees."
I shake my head, my chest aching.
I was afraid
I was terrified of not being enough, and of actually being loved when I didn't deserve it. After a lifetime of being unwanted, I had no clue how to handle someone who wasn't willing to walk away.
Maybe it was time I learned.
"I didn't mean what I said to you in that hospital room, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. I just thought you had given up on me." I hiccup the words out.
Warner kisses my nose, then my forehead, his arms resting on each side of me. He pulls my gaze to his, holding it, "Juliet...that was me fighting for you. That was me fighting for your healing, your joy, your smile, your laughter... your beautiful, broken spirit. I never stopped fighting for you and I never will."
"So, you'll wait for me? Even if I'm gone awhile?" I ask the question, scared of his answer.
"You're it for me. That will never change. I've made mistakes and I'll make more in the future. But the one mistake I'll never make is letting you go. I'll wait. For as long as it takes." Warner cups my face with his hands. A tiny smile tips his lips and his eyes search mine with cautious hope. "I told you were stuck with me forever and I meant it."
His words ink into my skin and fill every inch of me with their warmth.
After a beat of hesitation, I breathe out a small "Okay." And my lips part in tentative invitation.
Relief explodes across Warner's face and he takes it, his mouth moving over mine in a deep, almost desperate kiss that makes my toes curl. I melt against him, savouring the taste and feel of him again.
My chest loosens and every nerve ending sparks with awareness
Some kisses you feel in your bones. This one I felt in my soul.
"And you will still love me if I go away for a while?" I ask, just wanting to hear his reassurance again.
"Jules, you accepted every piece of me and dealt with the scraps I could offer. Those eyes find me when you walk into a room like I'm the only person you're looking for. Your strength is beyond amazing. And you smile for me like you smile for no one else. That makes a man feel powerful. And when I'm with you I smile like I never have before. It's a sense of equality, a teammate. It's rare to find someone who matches you step for step and you do. I fucking love you, Juliet Matthews, even when you drive me crazy. Especially when you drive me crazy."
"You must be a masochist then." I can't contain my smile. "It's okay. I love you anyway."
A small grin blossoms on his face, "Music to my fucking ears."
____
The house looks cozier when we pull up, but maybe it's because of the snow blanketing the peaks of the Victorian architecture like a real-life gingerbread house.
The check-in process is easy, Kendra is there to greet us in her grass-green tunic with a purple shawl wrapped around her shoulders. Then she whisks Warner away while a counsellor I don't know shows me to my room and checks my bag to make sure I haven't smuggled in something from their forbidden list.
The rest of my friends wanted to come but I knew it would be too much to say goodbye to them all at once. I had already spent all morning crying with Amy, Emma and Sarah. Even Kenji came down to say goodbye. And I swear I saw a tear leave Winston's eye.
I'll finish out the school year through a tutor who comes to the house five days a week.
It's time to say goodbye now. Warner has sleepless circles underneath his weary eyes, and he looks beaten and tired. Three feet separate our bodies, and I wonder who will close the space first —if at all.
"What do we say?" I breathe. "Goodbye?"
"No." He shakes his head. "This isn't goodbye, Jules. I'll see you."
I give him a weak smile, desperately trying not to cry. But once I see a tear slide down his cheek, it's over for me. I sniff. "Don't change too much," I tell him. I fear I'll return and won't fit into his life anymore. He'll grow beyond me while I stay stagnant and alone.
"Only the bad parts," he says.
He takes the first step forward. And then another. And another. Until our shoes touch, until his thumb strokes my cheek. "I'll always be yours. No distance or time apart will change that, Jules. You need to believe that. You have to know that..."—his chest constricts underneath my palms— "...that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do." He licks his lips. "It's harder than saying no to my father, than leaving his business, this, right here, kills me."
"I'll be okay," I whisper, trying hard to believe the words. "I'm going to be strong," I tell him, taking his hands in mine. I squeeze. "I'm going to get better."
"I know you will. But here is a little extra help in case you need a reminder." Warner pulls out a ribbon from his pocket. A ribbon identical to the one I gave him. A lucky ribbon.
"A lucky ribbon for some good luck while you're here. Not that you will need it."
"Thank you. I love it. I love you." I stand on the tips of my toes and press my lips against his. He holds me tight against his chest as if he is afraid of letting me go.
The way he kisses me is different than any time before. He cups my face with the palms of his hands as his lips mould against mine, teasing me until I feel dizzy. His thumb brushes across my cheek back and forth, and heat rushes down my spine straight to my belly. He makes me feel cherished. Protected. Loved in a way that makes me never want to come back down to reality.
I could spend forever being kissed like this and still feel like it isn't enough.
"I love you so much." His voice is breathless and full of fear. "I'll love you forever. Even when I can't see you."
My tears fall harder at his words. "And I'll love you forever. Even when I can't see you."
We cling to one another as we experience a sadness so excruciating, that it makes it hard to want to live beyond it. I tell him I love him because I need him to know. I tell him I love him again. I keep saying it, more times than I've ever said it out loud. Every time I say it, he tells me right back.
I GOT MY WORD DOC BACK !!!! MY cat failed its mission!!
Thanks for reading everyone<3