Feelings set aside for later, your focus dawned looking at the rows and columns of horses. You buckled and unbuckled the gas locks, playing with it, counting the remaining seconds in your head.
You cannot afford to fail in this plan of yours. There are lives at stake if you do.
Veterans were stationed in the outer rows for enemy detection.
Fresh recruits were installed in the second row for relay.
Some were scattered in the inner rows to protect the carts.
Commander was in the very front.
"Launch the 57th Expedition!" Green flares filled the sky.
"ADVANCE!"
***
For once, you understood the fear that a bottomless ocean could induce.
You were stationed in the rear left as a member of the cart convoy, just a tad bit below Levi's squad. It was convenient, not only can you keep an eye on Petra's location, but also you belonged to the safest position of the bunch.
You looked ahead to look at Eren's back. You couldn't decide if he's lucky to be so well-guarded, or to feel sorry that soldiers die to guard him with their lives. His first line of defense was the humanity's strongest; the second layer, the capable soldiers Levi hand-picked himself. They were still at sight's reach, and the gap was getting wider the longer you travelled.
Wind slapped your face as the horse moved at an aggressive pace, the trotting of its feet made a steady, but battle-like rhythm. You could still see the members of the convoy when you turned around, even with the distance now. You remembered to put on the gift, the pin they thoughtfully chipped in to give as thanks.
And it was late until you realized that you were clutching it so tightly, only to let go of it, and put on your strong front. Now is not the time to be emotional.
Keep your eyes open, keep your senses awake.
Be wary of the slightest anomaly.
Any gaps, any unsounding pattern to the formation— anything could be suspicious.
Now if Annie, who belongs in the military police, would show up, where would she pop out?
You rode in a pace to plant yourself near the center rear; stealthily moved past everyone to tail Petra's team as close as you could. No one will notice who is who by now, given the eventual scattered nature of the formation in this spacious field.
There's always a headcount before an expedition, so it would be impossible for her to pose as an additional member... unless she disguised herself, and joined the last row at the last minute.
Then...
Red flares became more frequent as you rode closer to the forest. Black is when you demand that your horse's legs should push a little faster, gaining fresh fear of the abnormals from the breach of Trost. You kept a close watch on your sides in case a jumping titan suddenly does its horrifying contortions, or worse, Annie's titan suddenly shows up.
The dots were slow to connect right now, being preoccupied with your safety, keeping an eye on Levi's squad and the bouncing rhythm of this horse that made your insides burn and your legs strained— but something, something feels off.
There's something that you're missing.
Say Annie disguised herself on the last row after the headcount, and you're in the rear left...
You quickly turned around, the female titan's footsteps came wide strides rather than a ferocious run.
You tightened your hold on reins of the horse, stirring it to a direction away from Levi's squad before firing the black flare. Your goal is to make sure she doesn't notice you. No trees to maneuver. One stomp from her and you're surely done, surely done—
Annie's march started to a brisk walk, to a jog, to a full blown run, straight to ask and kill, only meters away. Your skin prickled at the thought of being stepped on, a hurricane swirled at the pit of your stomach. She'll catch up to you if this damned horse didn't try harder.
You kicked the horse's side, demanding that its legs go past its limits. You fumbled over your flare, but decided that now isn't the time. The female titan is intelligent. Fuelled by Marleyan martial arts, a perceptive mind and an agile body, there is nothing that Annie couldn't do if the girl chose to end you right here and now.
But why is Annie not going in Reiner's direction? Doesn't she know where they are? Wasn't she tipped before joining the expedition?
Your skin felt sticky from the miles-long ocean wind, until its slaps and the trotting of the horses faded in your ears.
You could feel the land shake and rumble by her mere footsteps, and you knew— you knew it's your turn to be asked, and you're as good as dead.
You looked back and instantly regretted seeing this chaos— the bloodbath right before your eyes.
And her fibrous foot casted shadow over your head, your mind was blank and waiting for a miracle to happen. They say when you die, your life will flash before your eyes, but all you felt was utter, unspeakable dread. She's gonna kill you— you know it, and your body was paralyzed in fear to move and save itself.
"PHOEBE!"
It was the swooshes of their gears that woke you up from the trance, the muffled calls of your name came only later in your ears.
And when you looked around, they were trying to slice up the tendon of the female titan!
Your words came in an awful shriek. You could feel your bladder betraying you; your breakfast demanded its way out of your throat. Black and purple smoke pillared over your rigid form, the sound of the flare prompted you, that you almost jumped out of your horse.
"DON'T TRY TO FIGHT IT!" You roared, gaining a second-worth of courage. The sounds of their gears masked your desperation.
"STAY AWAY! DON'T—" The female titan grabbed the cable of one of the soldiers and span it around like a shepherd's sling, the end of the rope where the body should be, was unnaturally bent. The soldier wasn't even screaming anymore— not when she whipped her body in the trees, and dragged what remained of it while the female titan walked.
You should run for it.
There's no way you could land a blow and survive a shifter.
Breathing went easy to labored; the wind was harsher than ever, it even cut your cheek. You looked back— just how many of them— these idiots are trying to kill an intelligent titan? Why do they think they could kill it? If it looks different from the others, the first thing to do is to run away and save yourself, isn't it?
Some soldier screamed before he took off with his gear, fighting like a mad dog against a bear he had no chance against.
"It's a thank you, we all chipped in. We understand how the gear works a little now because of you..."
Why are they risking their lives for one puny soldier who fixed their crappy gears? Stopping there to fight it meant breaking the formation, compromising the supplies of the soldiers— costing more lives if that titan decided to jog in between everyone and kill them on sight.
"JOHNSON!"
"I feel like we can actually survive the expedition. We saw our comrade die because the gears were slower than those jumping titans—"
Who cares if they die? It's not them that you prepared for. Besides, you already gave them the means to fight on their own. It's just a matter of their decisions to keep themselves alive.
"Anyways, thank you for teaching us how the gear works, Febe."
"PHOEBE!"
Their lives are their own problem.
"It's almost a miracle you're sent to this world."
"Fuck— FORWARD LEFT!" It was the first thing you thought of and screamed, realizing now that you're giving Armin, Historia and Jean's position. Why did you scream some random shit? You don't know! But the female titan stopped in its tracks, as if she heard you!
"RUN! DON'T FIGHT IT— RUN!" You screamed at the top of your lungs, kicking your horse's ribs to overdrive. You couldn't help but shiver, your muscles trembled knowing that Annie will now come for you—
She didn't come after you.
Instead of running away, the soldiers saw it as an opportunity to attack.
"Just what are they doing?!"
You kicked your horse, turned its neck to go back to the titan's direction. Why on earth are you doing this? You have no idea! Your hands sweaty and cold while wrapped in the reins of your horse; your muscles involuntary quivered at this imminent, almost inevitable horror before your very eyes. The gallops of horses, the wheezing of gears, their screams— all of that faded before you could even process them.
You should run.
The female titan fell on her knees when the soldiers maimed her ankles. Now on her knees, the soldiers got ambitious enough to maim her wrists. Just what does that do? If a few minutes will give a new pair of hands— then how many seconds will it take for mere tendons to regenerate?
But why aren't you running— you should turn your horse around!
Would it be relevant to save these people? Would it make a difference? You don't know anymore— no, you know nothing at all! Your instinct to survive burned you, consumed you and now, you let it rule how you moved. Every inch of you was terrified, trembling, paralyzed .
But if you don't do something about these idiots wasting their lives to save yours, what good would you be, even if you saved Levi's squad, or anyone else?
You pulled your horse's rein, putting it at a sudden stop.
With one flicker of your finger, your saddlebag flipped open, grabbing the bomb. You don't have time to dilly-dally— no cause or consequence, because now you knew one thing:
These people can't die because of you.
One of the soldiers successfully stabbed the female titan in her left eye, before the monster chewed him in half and spat his screaming torso like a cigarette ash. The titan's next prey became the fresh recruit, grabbing her like a glass of water. You hooked your cables on the titan's knuckles, taking all your strength to slice her fingers and free her captive.
The pull of the gear was harsh and quick; she couldn't grab both of you in mid air. The monster's fingers were mutilated; her eye, stabbed. The other soldiers who saw the flares assisted in her capture, tightly tying her in the legs, until the cables pressed in the fibers of her muscles, mutilating her with the thin cables of their gears.
But no more calculations— the wait is over and damn it all to hell— fuck if you can't go back home, fuck everything if you get killed. You haven't seen Arianne for years, haven't heard your mom's scarce dinner calls, or that nagging professor calling you in no end to do his thesis...
Fuck them all, but not today.
"ANNIE!"
You dived right in— a few seconds of her distraction was just what you needed to make her look at you and throw the bomb in her right eye. Her unfeeling, exposed facial muscles around the eyes exuded so much heat enough to trigger the fuse and blasted anyone in the near perimeter.
BOOM!
You unclutched the hook of your gear, the shrapnels of your bomb cutting you everywhere like a thousand papercuts, the remnants of her eyes and brain splattered over your hair. The steam that came from her flesh was warm on top of your clothes. You were just too close when it exploded, the blastwave shoved you to the ground, rolled you far in the bloodied soil, hurt, horseless and utterly defenseless.
Your ears rung at a high pitch, the sound of screams and trotting of horses muted at an alarming sense of danger and urgency. You need to get up, you need to get up, damn it!
Your limbs protested with stings and ache, the impact of the fall violently and simultaneously introduced themselves all over your body.
The hell behind you unveiled itself in an annoyingly slow manner when you turned around. It's like those scenes in the movies where the bullet seemed to take forever before the protagonist gets shot, only to grab her blade in her thigh and throw it to her enemy's throat, before the bullet hit her in the shoulder.
You wondered, did the lady soldier who gave you the pin got away? Is the team okay?
Did they survive?
You crawled, the scarlet mud gathered in your chest as the smell of metallic blood pooled in your olfactory. You gagged, sour bile burned your throat. What difference does this make? Will you get away when you crawl as hard as you can? You chuckled — what difference does this make, you're gonna die here anyway—
"She's here!" Someone said in the background, it was muted, slow. It was as if you were underwater and you couldn't hear them, or the chaos around you.
You laid in the middle of the pool, water was above your head and yet you could breathe. The light danced gracefully when it reflected in the water. You wanted to extend your hand and trace the swirls it made but your arms felt comfortably heavy.
You were underwater and yet, there wasn't a struggle taking in the air, like the world swapped your lungs for gills. It felt so calm, you could fall asleep. The water felt cool and yet you're not shivering, your muscles relaxed...
You wanted some buttered chicken. Maybe some lumpia and meatballs too. That would be great. You haven't tasted those in ages, and you'd be willing to kill anyone for a full plate.
"Get a horse!"
Waffles would be nice too. Or a strawberry cake. Fresh, sugared strawberries and lightly sweetened cream piled together above this rich, moist chiffon would feel heavenly in your mouth.
"SHE'S BLEEDING IN THE HEAD!"
Who's bleeding in the head?
"... bring her to the cart!"
Cart? Why? You're underwater, right?
"Don't let her fall asleep, talk to her! Don't let her fall asleep!"
"Get her to the cart before the abnormal titan recovers!"
What abnormal? What are they talking about? There's no abnormal titan he...re...
"Levi's squad are about to enter the forest sir, we are stationed to wait in the trees—"
Right, Levi's squad.
Petra.
Female titan.
Trees.
Like a tissue in a pull-out box, silence was torn off your ears, unveiling your senses to this horrid scenery. The members of your wing helped you stand, and you couldn't help but wince in pain as your cuts and bruises registered one at a time, and then all at once.
"You should stay in the cart—"
"My horse." You grunted, wiping the blood off your temple. Your head hurt so much it was difficult to concentrate.
"Come on, the abnormal is regenerating!"
"AN ABNORMAL AT TEN O'CLOCK!"
They carried you to ride the cart, on the way to the forest, where you were ordered to wait. The girl who gave you the pin, now Clara, bandaged your head as best as she could as the cart moved.
You sat there, disoriented. What now? Your horse ran away, you have no bomb to use against the female titan and you're barely conscious. What good would you be if you went inside the forest, and took on the female titan as you are now?
"Hey, Clare." You mumbled, gaining her attention. "We packed numbing pills, right?"
She nodded. Perfect.
"Can you give me one?" She hesitated.
"Just give me one."
"Sorry Johnson, we're not allowed to just take—"
"It still hurts." You cut her off her bullshit, your patience wearing thin. You were a few meters away from the forest and you'll be needing to get off soon.
"It really hurts, I need it. Lots of it."
"We only have morphine—"
"Give me." You growled at her, taking her aback. They already injected you with an energy boost shot, but with this much pain, you couldn't think straight.
You had an inkling any more dosage and uncertain combinations would kill you, but the gravity of the consequences have not yet kicked in.
"You know what morphine does to you—"
"Damn it Clare, just give it to me." You snapped at her, before paying a glance at the huge trees which towered over everyone. Your eyes snapped back to a hesitant Clara still yippy-yapping about whether to give you, or not to give you.
Until you couldn't wait for her anymore and helped yourself through the boxes of syringes, with labels and color codes to indicate its contents.
Without hesitation, you grabbed at least a couple of them, shook your gear to check and refill your gas range and took off, taking one of the cart's horses with you.
***