IT WAS HARD to tell how many hours had passed since I lay down in bed after shower. My phone was in the other bedroom and the wall clock in this room had long stopped working.
Being in the spare room felt strange, lying under the cold sheets, eyes wide awake with my thoughts running loose.
I hadn't slept a blink. Trust me, I tried. I forcefully closed my eyes and waited for sleep to consume me, waited for the blankness to ease my mind. But my brain had refused to stop recalling every bitter thoughts and triggering memories.
The voices inside my head was too loud, I was scared they would tumble out in the open and fill the room. I was scared it would manifest as anger and I end up ruining things. The last time I was really angry was almost two years ago. Solving the problem with rage never ended well.
Only then I realized it was six in the morning when I heard our bedroom door open and Daniel's footfalls in the hall. Undoubtedly his work came up, and he had to get up early for it.
I had no interest to talk to him, look at his face, be in the same room as him. I felt sick living under the same roof as him. I needed to leave him and start anew. I knew I had to.
There had been way too many thorns prickling our way to just pretend we were happy together. I was incompetent and he was an ambitious achiever. I was mentally unstable and he didn't have time to acknowledge my emotions. But then I had become a hypocrite, mirroring his actions, and I hated it. I hated the victim mentality I was in right now. I wasn't exactly a good person to him. We both deserved better: he needed a loyal girlfriend and I needed to be alone for quite some time.
I lay there, listening to the rustling in the kitchen. I stayed immobile and listened to him move about and cook breakfast. Today was Sunday and it meant avocado toast and apple juice. Tomorrow, he'd make well-scrambled eggs with a side of salad. He'd stuck to the same schedule for three years now. I almost smiled at his precision and over-planning. Some things never really changed.
I waited ten minutes for him to finish his breakfast and leave. I was thankful he didn't come knocking on my door. Instead, he just stepped down the stairs and left our house---I waited until I heard his car rev up and pull out of the driveway.
I pressed my cheek against the cold pillow and closed my eyes momentarily. If only I could sleep my worries away. I sat up and winced as the sheets scraped against the underside of my thighs where I cut myself the most.
Awfully exhausted from the lack of sleep, I waddled my way to the bathroom and inspected my face in the mirror. Red-rimmed, swollen eyes stare back at me. I washed my face, showered again, and left the spare room.
My phone sat on my pillow, battery half-drained. I rolled my eyes. Of course, Daniel probably went through my emails, iCloud, and even Subway Surfers too.
I tossed myself on the bed, dialed Tina, and breathed out a little, waiting for her to pick up.
"Hey, Sara, what's wrong?" She answered in her morning voice.
"Can I come to your place?"
"Right now?" Tina asked groggily, her voice in a small whine.
"In an hour?" I said.
Tina groaned. "Alright, alright, let me try to wake up. I guess I'll see you later then."
I changed into a white shirt and flair jeans. I did my makeup and walked into the kitchen to cook my own breakfast. The lights were off, but I didn't bother flipping the switch on. There was enough daylight filtering from the hallway to cast the space a dimly glow.
I scoured through the cabinets to look for something to make when a strong smell of avocado hit my nose. I looked to the right end of the counter to see a plate of avocado toast and apple juice.
Of course, Daniel didn't forget to cook for me. He always remembered. Sure, I was still upset about what happened last night, but I appreciated his effort.
Quickly finishing breakfast, I drank a full glass of water to calm myself and walked back into the bedroom before I started packing.
I stuffed a week worth of clothing. And I took off his promise ring and placed it in the bedside drawer.
What I needed was a few days away from him, so there was no reason I'd wear something that'd constantly remind me of us.
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I PUSHED OPEN the door to Tina's apartment, backpack slung over my shoulder, wanting to curl up on her couch and maybe cry in her arms. As I turned the knob and entered, half-expecting to see her watching TV. Stunned, I stood, perplexed at the sight before me.
Across the living room, Amy was leaning on the counter that divided the kitchen and the living room. She was dressed in what I identified was one of Tina's flannel shirts. And her emerald green eyes were narrowed as she blabbered on to Tina, who was currently perched on the couch, looking passive as hell. But I know she was holding back a few colorful curse words from escaping with her lips tight.
"I wish you'd just take me with you."
Tina mumbled back. "You know that's not true."
I only caught on a snippet of their argument, which probably stemmed from their conflicting schedules, as Tina looked over at me and smiled.
"Sara, I didn't know you'd be early."
That caused Amy's narrowing eyes to shift to me and turn into a slight glower. It was safe to say Amy didn't like me. She always had been paranoid of Tina's relationship with me. She refused to believe I was solely heterosexual.
"Yeah, I was bored out of my mind and I didn't think you'd have a guest over." I flopped into the vacant space beside Tina after carelessly dumping my backpack on the couch.
That seemed to tick Amy's nerves, because she walked past Tina with an eye roll and rounded the corner to enter the kitchen area.
"So, what did the fucker do this time?" The concern was evident on her face but she did a small laugh to lighten up the mood.
"It's complicated."
Tina glanced over to my backpack sandwiched between us. "I could tell."
I'd only ever stayed over at Tina's place for only two times in the past three years; the first time when Daniel was out of town with his friends, the second time when Daniel and I got into a rather serious fight.
"You can stay with me however long you need to." She said as she clutched my hand in hers.
She squeezed my fingers, and I leaned my head on her shoulder, soaking in the warmth seeping from her body. I stayed like that for a while, no thoughts but me and my best friend, until Amy came back from the kitchen with a can of soda and water in her hands.
She casually slid in beside Tina, mindlessly popping the can open and taking a swig. After a few sips and leaning her head on the couch, she passed the can to Tina which she gracefully accepted. Amy looked over at me, her brows knitting together in curiosity, or mild judgement, I didn't know for sure.
She let out a sigh and unscrewed the cap, later handing me the bottle.
I couldn't respond immediately, bewildered by her hospitality. This wasn't like her to be friendly with me, much less offer me water. Either some entity took control of her psyche for her to be behaving this way. Or either, I looked miserable enough for her to even consider the notion of being civil towards me.
As if to remind me, Tina nudged my side and I reluctantly took the bottle Amy was handing me over. I muttered a thank you, taking the bottle.
In lieu of a response, Amy gave me a small smile, something sympathetic lurking in her green eyes. God, I definitely looked miserable. I took a sip and set the bottle on the table, trying to find a word to say.
Tina seemed to be aware of Amy's sudden hospitality, quite stunned by her girlfriend's change of behavior. She tapped her left foot on the parquet floor, almost as if she was at the airport and she missed her flight.
Wordlessly, Tina flipped on the TV and turned to a random news channel to lessen the tension thickening inside the room. The room was filled with such awkwardness only the sound of the reporter updating about a house fire lingered.
All of a sudden, Amy scrabbled to her feet and grumbled. "I need to get going. Kevin is probably waiting for me."
She went into Tina's room and came back out with her beige cardigan on. She stood by the coffee table, as though she was waiting for Tina's response.
I felt Tina visibly tense beside me, clenching her jaw tight. She stared up at Amy, brown eyes boring into her green ones, her gaze challenging her to dare leave.
Then, she shook her head dismissively even though I expected her to stop Amy. "Okay."
Amy's lips twisted as Tina didn't bother moving from her spot like she used to. As it became obvious that Tina wasn't planning to hold her back, Amy stormed through the front door, slamming the door as she left, her blonde ponytail swaying behind her.
Even after echos of Amy's footsteps disappeared, Tina still had her jaw shut, hands clutched in fists. From the fury lurking under her eyes, I could tell she was on the verge of snapping.
"I guess you might need to cool off," I dead-panned.
Tina gave a head shake which later followed by a deliberate eye roll. It was clear as daylight that she had no desire to talk about Amy.
"You want some popcorn?" She said just as she stood to get to the kitchen.
"Sure," I yelled after her, sinking myself further in the plush couch.
It was only then I felt someone shaking my right arm and I had opened my eyes that I realized I dozed off for a while. Gradually, I woke up, rubbing my eyes in drowsiness.
I yawned and smiled when I smelled caramel popcorn sitting in a bowl on Tina's lap. Stretching, I let Tina feed me and focused on the TV screen to see Gone Girl's initial scene where Nick and Amy first met.
I was still sleepy to tell her to watch something else, and Tina seemed like she needed to watch this psychotic movie to let her buried anger go.
"Did she break up with you?"
"No. I did. The other day."
Well, that was new. I was about to ask why but she beat me to it, filling my mouth with another piece of popcorn.
"No, Let's just forget she exists tonight."
She folded her arms with a frown on her face as she turned her face to study mine. Annoyance turned to worry, and she wrapped her arms around me, as if she could feel the misery radiating off me. "Whatever you're going through right now, you can talk to me about it. You know I'd never judge you."
I let myself melt in her embrace, leaning my head on her long strands of light brown hair. I know she was the safest person to share my secrets with, but I hated burdening her with my recurring relationship problem. Of course, even if it was the same trouble, she didn't make me feel bad about delaying the process of breaking up with Daniel. Even if she didn't understand how my mind turned sometimes, she always made me feel understood. And I loved her for that.
I could feel the onslaught of tears when she held me tighter, letting me know I could just stay like this and not say a word, she still understood me.
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too, Sara."
Pulling away, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, and laughed a little to lighten the mood. "I can't believe I'd have to watch this horrible movie again, but gosh, I'll forgive you this time, only because you make the best popcorn ever."
"Whatever. Acting like a hater won't make you cooler."
"Are you implying I'm lame?" I raised a brow, feigning offence.
"Well, I doubt I'd have to imply it when it's... " Tina's face broke into a grin midway.
"What?" I asked, stuffing more popcorn in my mouth.
Tina laughed, placing the popcorn bowl on my lap. "Shut up and finish the damn bowl, I can make another one."
She got up and returned with her mini purple crochet blanket. Sitting down, she draped the blanket over us, muttering how it was way too chilly in the morning. On cue, a breeze rushed in through the slightly agape window beside the couch.
I nodded, snuggling close to her for body heat. I knew the plot of Gone Girl from heart. Nick cheats on Amy, which causes Amy to be crazy and goes out of her way to do crazy shit, but then ends up being so anti-climatic by the end.
Tina seemed fascinated by the movie as if she hadn't seen a scene before. I smiled, munching on the tasty popcorn. After a good half-hour, I was flitting in and out of sleep, only catching snippets of the movie unfolding in front of me. I didn't notice the popcorn gone until' Tina got up with the bowl and came back with another.
I didn't have a mind to help her finish the other bowl, considering I was already half-way dozing off. I was pretty sure I had been asleep through most parts of the godforsaken movie.
I was woken up by the slight shaking sensation on my shoulder, turned out it was Tina. She muttered something but I was too sleepy to catch her words.
"Jeez, let me sleep, Tina." I groaned, snuggling closer to her.
In my hazy vision, the credits rolled on the screen, and something from my backpack kept vibrating. Crap, Mrs. Kenneth was definitely calling me.
I groggily sat up and took a hot minute to retrieve my phone and answered Mrs. Kenneth's call. She was probably pissed I forgot all about work.
Mrs. Kenneth's tone was calm, her words gentle even though I'd braced myself for a round of her telling me off.
"Sara, I just called to check up on you,"
I darted my tongue out to wet my lips and my throat felt like it was sucked dry. I cleared my throat, trying to sound cheerful.
"Mrs. Kenneth, thanks for checking up on me. I'm getting better and I'm sorry I forgot to call you this morning."
Mrs. Kenneth responded almost immediately. "There's no need, Sara, I just wanted to tell you to take the time you need to recover. That's the least I could do for you."
My chest lightened at her words. "You're the best employer ever. I'll see you on Monday. Love you, bye."
I hung up the phone after, turning to look at Tina who had a quizzical look. "My boss is already up my ass for being late and you're one lucky bitch to have one hell of a cool boss."
"Stay jealous, babe." I rolled my eyes and flashed her a grin to annoy her.
"Drink up some water in the kitchen, I think you drooled on me during the movie."
"I never drool," I groaned, irritated at her accusation.
"You do."
"I don't."
The last of our bickering ended when I entered the kitchen. I knew I would feel better coming here. The next week might pass in a blissful blur and I intended to make the most out of it and spend time with her.
᮫ ᮫ ᮫
JUST LIKE I PREDICTED, Daniel showed up at Tina's doorstep in the evening after I just finished dinner with her. In the middle of me wiping the dishes clean and talking to Tina, three rapt knocks came on the front door, followed by Daniel's voice booming into the quiant bubble we built just for us.
Daniel didn't halt his knocking even though both of us hadn't bothered to answer him. His voice grew urgent just as the knocking grew relentless.
"I know you're in here, Sara. Open up."
Tina went to answer the door and told me to stay and not to follow her and show Daniel my face, no matter what bullshit he spat out.
Before I could disagree with her, Tina had long exited the kitchen, after sparing me a knowing, sympathetic glance.
I tiptoed around the kitchen and tried to listen to how their conversation went. Tina only ever opened the door a slight bit, considering Daniel kept demanding her to open the door and let him in.
"No, can do, bud, you have to leave."
"I know she's here. Don't lie to me because I'll have to involve the police if you brainwash her into staying with you."
"How about we talk about what you've done to her?"
My brows rose and I silently applauded her for standing up to him. I hadn't actually told her what happened. It was just a whole lot of information I wasn't ready to spill, and Tina had her own problems. Just her letting me stay over was more than enough for me.
A frustrated groan came from Daniel. "Look, we only had an argument. You're making it seem like I abused her or something. I knew you'd get ridiculous ideas."
"We both know you did something for her to actually pack her bags and come to me. So, just get lost and leave her alone. Go mind your own business."
The door slammed shut and Daniel continued to pound on the door vigorously. "Alright, if she isn't back by the next week, I might have to do something about it."
I sighed. Daniel and his threats. Not that they were empty and harmless. I knew he was stubborn and would do anything to carry them out. Thinking about going back to live with him already had my throat dry and my hands clammy.
Tina wasn't having his stupid threats that she didn't linger by the door to listen to what else he had to say. She was already sauntering over to the kitchen, her expression contorted into agitation.
"One of these days, I'm going to bust his face with a baseball bat." She rummaged through the cupboards and made herself a drink.
"I'd love that." I laughed, downing the drink she made for me.
For the rest of the evening, we didn't talk about Daniel, we binge-watched The Chronicles of Narnia series and called it a day.
᮫ ᮫ ᮫
TINA HAD WORK EARLY in the morning the following day, so I did grocery shopping for her.
I wheeled the cart into the dairy aisle, after convincing myself I didn't need more than three bags of Takis.
I skimmed over the note on my phone to make sure I got everything Tina needed. I smiled, my eyes landing on one of the last items listed: hot sauce.
Later, I strolled down past the vegetables aisle to another one, stopping before a shelf to get a bottle of hot sauce. I read the Scoville heat unit listed in the ingredients and shook my head at the ridiculously high number. Still, Tina loved all things spicy and flavorful, there was no way I could convince her to stop consuming what kept her happy.
Placing the hot sauce in the cart, I walked further down aisles after aisles, my mind temporarily wandering to my mother.
It'd been over a year since we hung out, scratch that, she forced me to meet her so she could verbally abuse me. She hadn't bothered to text me to improve our relationship, neither had I.
She only sometimes shot me a text about her financial problems, which she'd send Cole on behalf of her, knowing he's my soft spot.
And I could tell Cole hated depending on me from time to time too, but I'd support him till he figured out a clear career path. That's what siblings are for.
I was caught up in pushing the cart and just looking at shelves, that I almost bumped the cart into something. I opened my mouth to apologize when I realized it was someone and that someone was Dominic.
Thankfully, he had side stepped to avoid my cart and offered me a tender smile full of amusement and curiosity.
I probably looked awkward as hell, standing behind the cart, and my hair in a messy pony tail.
"Nice seeing you again," Dominic's face morphed into utter elation, his full lips stretching into a genuine smile.
Mesmerized by the way his front curls cascaded down his smooth forehead and touching his right brow in a seductive manner, I gripped the cart handle, gulping the saliva gathering at the back of my throat. He looked absolutely divine in his grey shirt and matching sweatpants. And I looked like I just crawled from some dusty hole in my beige cardigan and short jean skirt.
Nervous, I swooped the front of my hair that fell into my eyes and returned his smile, meeting his deep blue eyes and nodding.
"Yeah, I guess." I eyed the basket in his hand that was full with fruits, vegetables, yogurts, healthy stuff. No wonder he was fit and good-looking.
I pushed the cart, hurried to get away from what? There was no denying he had me all nervous like a freaking teenager. I just trained my eyes at the items in my cart and kept walking.
"So, Sara, How have you been?" His deep, delicious voice sent a flurry of butterflies to erupt in my stomach.
"I've been doing better. What about you though?"
"I am fine, but couldn't be better knowing you're doing alright."
I swooned a little at his words, knowing he cared about how I was actually doing. Maybe, he saw a smile slip on my face, because he cleared his throat as if he wanted to say something. He didn't say another word and pasted a quick smile on his luscious lips, brighter this time.
All the while I forgot how to act properly, he was walking just a few paces behind me, casually picking out more stuff. And I was struggling to not break out into a puddle of sweat at how good he looked and how he made me feel some type of way.
Just now, I felt a dip in my stomach when he caught up to me, his delicious cologne evading my senses. We didn't exchange another word, both of us heading toward the cashier in comfortable silence.
When I pulled out my card to pay, he intercepted his card to the confused cashier who had spent a solid three minutes looking at us prior our verbal exchange, probably wondering why a fine-looking man was talking to someone average-looking like me.
"Let me."
I was about to argue, but the cashier had already accepted his card. He even helped me carry the grocery items, too. I almost died when the muscles in his arms flexed to get a hold of my things and helped me carry them. When we reached outside, I grabbed my things, already feeling bad that he paid for everything.
"I'm gonna walk home now," I shifted on my feet, getting even more nervous that he was standing before me, his tall frame towering over mine.
He licked his lips and looked away for a prolonged second, displaying nervousness. If it wasn't for his tanned skin, I could've sworn he was blushing. "Do you maybe... Are you in the mood for some ice cream?"
I saw no harm in eating ice cream with him. Being with him would be a needed distraction for me, I could relax, have fun, and forget about my relationship crisis.
᮫ ᮫ ᮫
MOMENTS LATER, I was in the passenger seat with my grocery in his car's trunk, my mind a nervous mess. We opted for drive-thru ice cream. I got vanilla and he got mint chocolate chips.
I held both our cups as he drove to the local park that was only half a mile away. His eyes remained on the road, but I felt like when I looked out the window, he was staring right at me. Or maybe, I was being paranoid as fuck. Either way, this felt like an ice cream date, even though this was just two friends hanging around.
"Are your panic attacks frequent lately?" He questioned, his voice soft.
"No, I had one last year." I said.
Telling him the truth wouldn't hurt, so I continued. "On my birthday, actually, and I was in the bathroom at my mom's house. Obviously, we don't have the best relationship."
I glanced at him to see him nodding, his face concerned. "I'm really sorry, Sara. Let me know anytime you want to tell me anything that's bothering you. I'll try my best to make you feel better."
"It's fine. I'm really grateful I have a friend in you."
His eyes darkened at the word 'friend' but he didn't say anything. As we were about to reach the park, I muttered. "What about you? You said you used to deal with these."
"Used to, yes, I was engaged three years ago, and I was in a bad place mentally back then. I even had to see a therapist because I was overthinking all the time, be it my career or my love life." He exhaled, slowing to a stop to park his car. "I broke up with him four months later. My friends say I was stupid for that, but sometimes people fall out of love, it's not something you can control. You just have to move on and keep living."
Well, that was a lot. I nodded, suddenly aware of the cold freezing my fingertips. He lost someone he loved. And I wasn't sure what transpired between him and his boyfriend. But his situation reminded me of mine.
Maybe, just maybe, I was slowly falling out of love with Daniel. Thinking of him still sent a jolt down my spine, but not the exciting type like before. Now, all I could feel like dread hanging above my head like a bad omen, a warning. My stomach lurched at the thought of actually breaking up with him.
The question hovering over the tip of my tongue slipped out.
"But how? How do you move on from someone you love so much?"
Dominic furrowed his brows in contemplation, the wind flirting his hair when he rolled down the windows. "At the time, he became someone I used to love. It was hard to tell the truth, but he deserved to know it. I couldn't be selfish to deny him closure."
He sighed. "And it was difficult to live alone after the break up, but I had to mourn the loss and let myself be upset without drowning myself in work and suppressing my emotions. Every single day was hard, but once you get over someone, it's all worth it in the end."
"Enough of my rumbling, I don't want our ice cream to melt away." He laughed to lighten the mood, but I was still speechless, mouth agape.
"Yeah, right, ice cream." I gave him a sad smile. "Thank you for telling me about it. I appreciate it, really." I handed his ice cream to him, before scooping a spoonful from my ice cream.
Cold late November wind bellowed in, ruffling my hair. It wasn't freezing cold, but the air was tinged with a promise of inevitable snow next month.
To divert our conversation to something lighter, I said. "My mom hated it when I ate ice cream when it was freezing outside."
A soft laugh escaped his lips. "Mine too. They just don't get it, you know."
I nodded. "Yes, I mean, it just hits different when it's cold outside."
When we finished our ice cream in silence, he started. "Okay, I forgot to ask when you mentioned earlier. When's your birthday?"
I caught myself smiling before I could stop it. "Oh, May sixteenth."
"I'll keep that in mind. And Mine's on August second." He replied.
Before I could say Cole was born in August too, his phone vibrated, catching his attention.
Reading the name, he gave me an apologetic look, picking it up.
He talked about what seemed to be his unedited manuscript, explaining scene ideas from a chapter to who I assumed was his literary agent. Heat coated my cheeks hearing him briefly explain those scenes.
All air left my lungs when he mentioned his characters having sex in a car. I almost clenched my thighs at his possible flirtation. I had a strong feeling he was saying this on purpose. But maybe I could be wrong.
After a while, he hung up the phone, thanking his agent for putting up with him.
Dominic turned to look at me. "It's obvious my agent hates me. Deadline is in two months and I only have two-third of my book done."
"Yet, you're procrastinating to go out with me." I shook my head, amused.
I imagined it or did he lean forward to speak? Jeez, his car was spacious but it wasn't enough for me to have a clear head with him being so close to me.
"I'm not in a rush though, I prefer quality over quantity. Plus, seeing you strikes me more inspiration than reading any book could."
I struggled to regulate the beating of my heart, so I leaned back in my seat, feeling hot despite the wind cradling my skin.
"Thank you, Dominic. Maybe, hmmm... I could help beta-read it for you." Noticing the slight shake in my voice, I ended up blabbering more to put on a brave front. "As long as the scenes are not boring, it's alright."
"Trust me, Sara, what I write is nothing short of what I'm capable of."
Seriously, god, why did he have to be so hot and self-assured? I wanted nothing more than for him to pull up his tainted windows and fuck me. The fact that he smelled so damn divine on top of having a gorgeous face and a killer body didn't help me ease the ache in my legs. Pretty sure I was so wet right now.
Only when he inserted the key to drive that I gathered enough courage to reply to him. "I could tell." I ran a hand through my hair to ease my frustration. He seemed far amused at my visible frustration. "Well, don't look at me like I haven't had car sex before."
I held my breath before letting my armor falter. "I have. Just not in a BMW X6 before."
Was I too bold for saying the model of his car aloud? Did I care? At this moment, no.
His jaw ticked, his eyes sparkling, and I noticed his breath catch for a millisecond. I loved that I affected him just as much as he did me. I loved that the feeling was mutual. If only, if only I could let myself lose control.
He stared at my lips, like he wanted to kiss me. His fingers flexed, clutching the steering wheel, knuckles almost blanching from the pressure. He hadn't started the engine and I could tell he didn't want to just yet.
Maybe, I spent a far longer time thinking of running my fingers through his hair, because I was straddled on his lap before I could use better judgement to stop myself.
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pls don't kill me, I finally updated and ilyall for being so patient 😭 it's honestly amazing
also I keep forgetting I'm 18 like a few months ago, I visited an 18+ Patreon page and the web asked me if I was 18+ and I was like ??? What age am I 💀 Tbh I still feel 16 at heart fr
and I want to start taking my story seriously and dedicate more of my time to writing so I wanna specify Cole's age. He's actually 24 and older than Sara <3
I've read a couple of books the past few months and the following books are in the top 5 of the darkest books I've ever read <3
so here's your book recs;
The Wild series - K. Webster
(cw: incest)
The Skeleton King - Charity B.
(cw: necrophilia)
Untouchable - Sam Mariano
(cw: non-consent)