Arzoo
Being brave does not mean not being scared.
It means despite being scared, you hang in there.
He was taken to the emergency ward and the scene was chaotic outside. Tension filled the air. Dr Drevis was in an important discussion with Dr Tanya and the other doctors when I ran to him. 'Where is he? Is he okay?' I asked him looking inside the room expecting to have a glimpse of him. Dr Drevis walked away without responding to my questions. He went inside the ward with sympathy in his eyes. 'Arzoo you need to calm down' Dr Tanya said as she held my shoulders stopping me from going to Dr Drevis. 'Calm down?' I mumbled as I lost my senses.
'How can you tell me to calm down when Atif is in such a condition? Are you out of your mind?' I yelled at her and the corridor went silent.
'Arzoo, we're afraid we can't save him' she responded ignoring my disrespectful behaviour. 'Atif was one of the most talented doctors we had here and we want to save him as much as you do but we're afraid we can't' she paused talking as I kept staring at her.
'He has multiple fractures and a glass pierced in his chest' She added.
'Dr. Drevis is the best surgeon we have here. He's going to try his best to save him. I'm a cardiologist too. I will be with him throughout the surgery. Please-'
'Please save him' I cried to her. 'Do whatever it takes. Please save him' I wept as I went down on my knees. She sat down as she held me. 'We're going to try our best Arzoo' Her voice broke as she hugged me blinking away her tears. 'Pray' She said and left inside the ward leaving me crying in the corridor.
I picked myself up and walked toward the ladies' washroom. It was empty. I looked at myself in the mirror. My dress and apron were stained with blood. My face blotched with his blood. I looked at my hands, bloody. I opened the tap and left my hand under the running water and watched the colourless water turning red. I closed my eyes and splashed water on my face. His face appeared in front of my eyes.
He dressed up as a groom on the Nikkah stage.
His laugh in the theatre.
His gentle smile when we accidentally crossed paths on the street.
His last smile while heading out with the tulips.
My brain recalled the sound of the crash and I bawled in pain.
I sat on the bench outside the operation ward desperately waiting for the doctors to come outside and tell me he was fine. I sat still continuously praying for his life, remembering all the good moments I had with him.
I remembered how he held my hand in the theatre. I looked at him as he walked holding my hand. I looked at our hands. They perfectly fit into each other. Almost like my hands were made for his.
I remember it was one of the first few days since I came to Amsterdam. One night his hand was on my stomach. I looked at him astonishingly but he was deep asleep. I remember how my hands hesitated to touch his arm. I picked his hand very hesitantly and kept it aside gently. Sometime later, he put his arm around my stomach again. And for some reason, I didn't move it aside this time. I let it be.
How one morning, the first thing I saw as I opened my eyes was him. Out of the shower, his hair wet, shirtless with his towel wrapped around his waist, his white shirt swirled in the air as he put his arms inside the sleeves. He glanced at me while buttoning his shirt. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.
And one time, He wrapped his arm around my shoulder when Maa video called. He spoke respectfully to my parents and looked at me with eyes full of love. I still remember the way he looked at me. That look of his was enough to make me feel loved.
How he took care of me when I got sick. Making sure I had my meals and meds on time.
Hours later, I zoned back when Dr Drevis came out of the operation theatre with the other doctors. I looked at him with hope in my eyes. He stopped in front of me and said 'Please come to my office Arzoo' My heart skipped a beat as he said that.
'We've done the surgery and made his condition better. He's not okay but not completely in danger at the same time. If he survives this, there's hope to live' He told me very honestly.
'We'll know that in some time if he gains consciousness' he added. I stood there looking at him breathing heavily. 'Please sit' he said and offered me a glass of water. My hands trembled as I reached out the glass and took a sip. 'Atif is like a brother to me. I will go to any extent to save him' he assured his eyes started filling with tears.
A young boy who looked like an intern knocked on the door and walked in. He kept two empty files of two different colours on the table. A green one and a blue one. I was in shock when Dr Drevis aggressively threw away the blue file. 'How dare you?' He yelled. 'How dare you bring this file?' He held the boy by his collar and shook him out of rage. The boy stammered as he was filled with fear.
The other doctors entered the room after hearing the commotion and loosened his grip on the boy. 'Let him go' Dr Tanya yelled. The boy immediately left the room out of embarrassment and Dr Drevis sighed out of frustration. He apologized for his behaviour. 'I'm sorry but don't you dare bring that to me' he said as he pointed towards the blue file on the floor. 'Atif is going to be okay. His records are not going in there' he said in a very serious tone staring at all the other doctors.
'What about it?' I asked looking at the file. There was a moment of silence in the cabin. I looked back at them demanding an answer.
'The green files are to maintain the records of our patients' Dr Tanya spoke out clearing her throat.
'What about the blue ones?' I asked.
'The blue ones...' she paused and looked at the other doctors. She exhaled.
'It's for the dead' She said.
I raised my gaze from the file to her face and looked into her eyes. 'But Atif is okay now' she reassured.
The blue is for the dead.
I was looking at Tanya but I was looking through her. I was physically present in the room with them but I was somewhere else mentally. I was at home. At the moment when I found Maheen's file in his wardrobe. It was a blue file.
'Atif is out of danger'
'He's going to be fine'
I heard their voices like I was on top of the hill and they were shouting from the ground when in reality we were all present in the same room.
~
I opened the door of a house that was once ours. I walked inside straight into his room and opened his wardrobe and looked for the file. It was exactly where I found it last time. A blue file. I reached out to it and opened the file. Patient name: Maheen.
I found general details of her like her name, age, height and weight. I flipped the pages feeling restless, my hand stopped at a page. My blood ran cold as I was looking at a certificate of death. I stared at her name, Maheen.
Date of death: 8th November, 7:33 pm.
I sat on the bed as my legs could no longer carry me. I recalled how Atif took the file away from me that day just after I read the name. How he flipped through the pages and stopped at one. I remember how he smiled at it.
Maheen is dead?
She's not a living person?
Why would Atif tell me he's in love with someone who is dead?
I looked around the room and at the bed that I was sitting on. I wondered why there was such a big distance between us when we had everything right. Atif lied to me. He lied about loving a person who is not even alive. But why? My mind stirred with questions and I knew there was only one person with answers.
~
'Who is Maheen?' I asked Dr Drevis keeping her blue file on his table in front of him. He looked concerned at me. He picked up the file and went through it. 'This is a dead patient's file, how do you-'
'Who is Maheen, Dr Drevis?' I repeated my question very sternly this time. My skin crawled as he told me who she was.
~
I walked inside the room where Atif was resting. He looked deep asleep. I pulled a stool and sat next to his bed. There was cold silence in the room. The only noise was the beeping sound of his heartbeat and my soft weeps as I thought of what Dr Drevis told me.
'Maheen was the patient Atif failed to save'
'She was not any special. Atif treated her just as he treats his other patients. With complete care and concern. She had dystonia. Atif tried curing her with the best treatment and medications but exactly one month after her first visit, she came to the hospital again. But this time in a stretcher, in a very abnormal posture. Her eyes popped out and her mouth twisted. Her entire body was crooked. People ran away thinking she was possessed. Despite my studies, I was frightened too. 'It's a possession' some said. It was Atif who stepped in to save her then. 'She is a patient and no one talks about my patient like that' He said.
Her friends explained how she suddenly got seizures in the middle of the party. They were frightened, they stammered as they spoke. Almost her entire nervous system had started to collapse. Her entire body faced spasms but she was conscious. Her eyeballs moved. She made eye contact with each of us. Looked like she tried saying something but no one could understand as her mouth couldn't move. One can only imagine what kind of pain she went through.
Atif handled this case very patiently. Especially after knowing that a part of her is conscious. Seeing and feeling everything. He treated her normally unlike others. He was getting everything ready when she looked at him and said something that only he could understand. He nodded and said 'Of course. I remember'
He smiled at her despite feeling unbearable fear and pain in his heart.
'Happy Birthday' he said after which she stopped trying to talk and her eyes stopped moving. Her body froze and that's when we knew she was gone. It was a case that was difficult to be explained. She died in a very heart wrecking position. It was Atif's first failure as a doctor.
He shut his eyes and his fist tightened out of extreme disappointment.
Post-mortem reports confirmed that she never took any medications that were prescribed to her. How can one not take their life seriously? Atif often asked me to which I had no answer. He never spoke a word about that case after that.
What Atif has told you is true. But only half of it is. It is not true that there was anything between them. She was just a patient he couldn't save and nothing more. She's the only one he couldn't save' his narration of truth ran in my head as I stared at Atif with a straight face. I wiped tears that slipped down my cheek.
'Why did you make that up?' I asked him with a heart broken into million pieces.
'You better wake up soon and give me my answer'